Noon of the Living Dead

By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson

Written: June 29, 2000

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I am God so I own the rights to everything! How dare you puny mortals suggest that I'm stealing someone else's characters! Your souls will be mine!

Disclaimer 2: On second thought, I am Satan…YOUR SOULS WILL BE MINE! (That's better.)

Summary: The title sort of explains itself. Really just a bunch of insanity in a graveyard—not your regular lost-in-the-woods story.

Disclaimer 3: Oh, never mind. I'm not really God. Or Satan. (I think—that one's iffy…)

Author's Note: If you want a real disclaimer, you're gonna' have to beat it out of me!

Author's Note 2: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I don't own them! (Don't hurt me…!)

(It's the Psychoneurotic Narrator again, everyone…)

P.N.: It was noon, and not a nice noon. It was one of those icky kinds of noons where you're not sure if it's going to rain or just stay…really icky. (shudder) I hate those kinds of noons! But anyway, as I was saying…Ash and his pals had become lost again—WAIT, WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! Don't you want to see what happens?!

(Silence.)

P.N.: Oh—oh, I know it sounds cliché and all! I mean, haven't we done this before about a million times?! Practically every goddamn humorous fic out there (not to mention half of the television episodes) start this way, but hey, they're all different, aren't they?! NO, WAIT, COME BACK! Okay, maybe they're not all different—but this one is! Just give it a chance! (on his knees) PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE! I really need this job and my psychiatrist says I need to cut down on my stress level or I might have another mental breakdown! I DON'T WANNA' GO BACK TO GLENDALE! (blink) So you'll read it?

(Nod.)

P.N.: (shameless groveling) OHTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! NICE PERSON, NICE NICE PERSON!

(…;…;…)

P.N: (blink) Ah…ah…ha ha ha…(sweat drop) Now…where was I? Ah yes! (scene reappears) Ash and his friends were lost again. But this time they did not find themselves in a thick woods, nor a big, bustling city. No, this time the situation was quite different…This time, our young friends were lost in a graveyard.

Ash: Spooky.

Pikachu: Pika.

P.N.: (shiver) It is, isn't it?

Misty: We should hold a séance!

Brock: I'm too busy holding myself!

Ash: This map is truly worthless…

Misty: More like the map wielder.

P.N.: You know, it just occurred to me, how on earth do you get lost in a graveyard? I mean, they're not really big and they're usually close to a city—

Misty: Oh, shut up! Maybe it's a really big graveyard or maybe it's on some far away lonely hill in the middle of nowhere.

Ash: Or maybe you're just really stupid and got us lost again…

Misty: YOU WERE THE ONE HOLDING THE MAP!

Ash: (pressing his index fingers together sheepishly) You know, you're probably right about that lonely hill thing…

Brock: (whimpering nervously) I want my mommy…!

Misty: Brock, your mommy's dead!

Brock: (wide-eyed) MOMMY!

Ash: Oh, smooth Misty! How could you be so insensitive?!

Misty: It's not my fault his 'mommy' croaked!

(Brock bursts into uncontrollable crying.)

Pikachu: (sweat drop) Pi…

P.N.: This is all very weird…(covertly pops some pills) Okay. So Ash-tachi is lost in a graveyard—

Brock: A scary graveyard!

P.N.: Yes, a scary graveyard. With ghosties and ghoulies and dirty tombstones.

Brock: AAAAAGHHH!

P.N.: Just kidding. They weren't really dirty. Anyway, who should suddenly appear but…!

(Silence.)

P.N.: (blink) Um, I said, who should appear but…(hiss) Guys, that's your cue!

Voice: We don' wanna'!

P.N.: (panic) But you have to! It's part of the story!

Another voice: I know…but couldn't we just have a nice séance and take advantage of this neato creepy atmosphere?

Misty: That's what I said!

P.N.: (frustrated) JUST FOLLOW THE SCRIPT! YOU'RE GONNA' GET ME FIRED!

Voice 3: Fine! (mumble) Party pooper…

P.N.: Ahem! When who should appear but—

Ash: Barney on Ice?!

Brock: (terrified) Barney on Ice?! AAAAAGHH! SAVEUSALL!

Jesse: (irritated) No, you incessant bumbling fools! Team Rocket!

TR: Duh!

Ash & Brock: Oh.

James: We've lost our edge.

Misty: You never had an edge!

Meowth: I knew we shouldn't 'ave come…

James: Let's go have a séance.

Meowth: Okey-dokey!

Jesse: (hands on hips) We are not having a séance, already! Now get back over here and help me—

Ash: (yawn) What, capture Pikachu?

Jesse: No, find my glove! I lost it when that stupid narrator ordered us over here!

P.N.: (banging his head on a headstone) This is not going well!

James: (crawling around between headstones) Jess, is this it?

Jesse: No, James, that's a piece of rotting, purple flesh. (double takes) ROTTING PURPLE FLESH?!

James: (making a face) Eew!

P.N.: (tremble) Suddenly, the arm connected to the flesh reached out and grabbed poor James by the leg!

Misty: Poor James?!

James: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE BEING GRABBED BY A DISCONNECTED ROTTING LIMB COMING OUT OF THE GROUND?!

Misty: Point taken.

Jesse: JAMES?!

Meowth: AGH! RUN, BUDDY!

James: (angry) I can't, you imbecile, it's got my leg!

P.N.: Suddenly, another rotting arm shot out of the earth, grabbing Misty by the arm! (climbs onto a headstone) I'm not going to sit down there to get grabbed by some un-dead corpse!

Misty: Eeeewwww! This is definitely worse than bugs!

Jesse: Agh, one's got me! (kicks it off then runs to help James who is now pinned to the ground by zombie arms)

James: (tiny voice) help…me…!

Brock: I REALLY WANT MY MOMMY NOW!

P.N.: Soon, the group was surrounded by an un-dead army! (kicks at reaching hands) Stay away! I'm a Christian!

Zombies: Flesh! Flesh!

Jesse: (battling zombies) GET OFF OF JAMES, YOU FLESH-EATING FREAKS!

James: Ow! Hey, stop gnawing on my arm! Eeee!

Meowth: Hey, hey! My tail! Leggo'! Aaaaaaaagghhhh!

P.N.: I DON'T REMEMBER THIS BEING IN THE STORY! SINCE WHEN DOES THE NARRATOR GET KILLED BY AN ANGRY UN-DEAD MOB?! THIS WASN'T IN MY CONTRACT!

Brock: MOMMY!

James: I WANT MY MOMMY TOO!

Jesse: JAMES, YOU HATE YOUR MOMMY!

James: (sniff) Could you be my mommy then?

P.N.: I DEMAND THAT OUR MOMMIES APPEAR!

Pikachu: (can't talk—being devoured by flesh-eating zombies)

Togepi: (similarly occupied)

Ash: (uselessly punching at a zombie) You don't scare me, you mean old dead guy! You can't eat me! You don't even have teeth!

Zombie: Flesh…flesh…(starts gnawing on his arms with his gums)

Ash: (shameless weeping) Okay, okay, I give up! MOMMY!

And so, everyone including the narrator, was devoured by the flesh eating zombies and the rest of the world lived happily ever after because…the zombies didn't eat them. And because world peace was accomplished and world hunger was solved, but that's another story.

P.N.: WAIT A SECOND, WHO'S NARRATING?! I'M NARRATING! WHAT'S GOING ON?! WHO'S DOING THIS TO—

The End

P.N.: WAITAMINUTE, WAITAMINUTE!

Carrot: (snicker) Ha, ha, ha! Payback for that last story you narrated, buddy! Sayonara! (rubbing his hands together) And now for a little girl chasing…

The (real) End

P.N.: Hello? Hello? Anyone? We're not dead!

Brock: Just really badly hurt!

Ash: Could you throw us a Band-Aid?

Misty: Or perhaps some anti-bacterial ointment?

James: I think my legs are broken! No, no, let me check! OWW, OWW! Yes, they're broken!

Jesse: Oh, quit whining! It's only a minor flesh wound!

It's really The End now…^_^;;