The Sauron-Schicklgruber Paradox

Chapter 1: Present is Prologue

March 6, 2011

An apartment in Pasadena, California

Let us join the scene, already in progress...

"It's MINE! MINE! My Precious!" screamed the giant-sized, human analog for a six-year-old Muppet, (aka Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D.), as he clung to a thick golden chain, which other end was temporarily in the possession of another (much shorter) human analog for a ten-year-old Muppet.

In other words, Leonard Hofstadter (also Ph.D.) was not having a good day.

The young bespectacled physicist was in the middle of a tug of war in the middle of their living room with his roommate over a movie prop - and it was looking more and more like he was Deagol to Sheldon's Gollum, as he was losing his death-grip on the chain holding the last version of the One Ring.


Of course, it had all started at a year before when the short, dark haired man and his friends had discovered the ill-gotten item at a flea market. After a ridiculous day and night of the group coming to blows and Survivor-like tactics (whoever hangs on the longest, no matter what...) Leonard had managed to convince the others that he had returned the Ring to Peter Jackson, the famous director of the Lord of the Rings movies (and the person who would have had the final say on who got what tchotchkes from the set). Instead, he had actually hidden it and had been congratulating himself on his cleverness - until now.

Now, he was right back to square one.


Today had been the quarterly disaster preparedness drill (under the Roommate Agreement) and when Sheldon's earthquake simulator triggered a real earthquake (don't ask) they both got stuck in Leonard's bedroom closet (really, don't ask), whereupon the shoe-box where Leonard kept the Ring fell and exposed its contents, unhappily allowing the twosome to escape (really REALLY, don't ask), ending up in the living room where we began this scene (currently in progress):

"MINE! MINE! My Precious MY Pre-cisiussss! MINE!" shrieked Sheldon, lanky arms akimbo, as he tried in the most awkward manner possible to gain the leverage that his significantly greater height should have afforded. Leonard could only stubbornly hold on as the chain began to stretch, and curl into a hunch, in an attempt to thwart Sheldon latest tactic (which was jumping up and down, punctuated with a "MINE" on each landing).

"Sheldon," began Leonard, (in a futile attempt to reason with his demented friend)

"MINE" (Sheldon was starting to get color in his normally pale face from the exertion)

"this is ab-"


"-surd, can't"

"MINE" (Sheldon's brown bangs were now plastered against his forehead)

"we talk"

"MINE" (Leonard thought that Sheldon's arms resembled a pair of wet noodles, they flopped so)

"this over?" Leonard gasped, jerking his head back, trying to keep his eyeglasses perched on his nose without the use of his hands.

In response, Sheldon gave the chain a final desperate yank which - now follow me here - caused this chain reaction:

(A) Chain snaps violently; causing

(B) Leonard, chain & Ring to go flying backwards; causing

(i) Leonard's body to achieve zero gradient in 0.25 seconds;

(a) Leonard's arm, holding broken chain, also reaches zero gradient simultaneously;

(1) Knocking the table lamp over; as

(2) Leonard's head hits the edge of the table.

(ii) Chain & Ring curl over the lampshade; and

(b) Strike light bulb with shattering force; causing

(C) An electric surge; causing

(iii) Building wide blackout; and

(iv) Leonard to be mostly electrocuted and slightly alive.


The last thing Leonard heard as he passed out and beyond, was a strange voice, strident yet commanding, whispering:

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
In Germany where the Shadows lie.

Germany? But that's not how the line goes, thought Leonard, and then he thought no more.


A/N: My thanks to the encouragement of my core team, Snooky, Kat & Wolfie, as well as the Olsen of the group, our "Outside Man" Gene, and a new member of La Resistance, Jenny.

I do not own Hogan's Heroes, and my real name is not Chuck Lore, who with his writers and CBS own The Big Bang Theory and the wonderful characters therein.

Finally, my name is also not J.R.R. Tolkien, and the poem of course belongs to the famous Rhyme of Lore from the book the Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Rings, The Council of Elrond.