By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson
Written: October 30, 2000
Rating: PG "viewer discretion advised"
Summary: Just a silly little story about the characters of Pokémon getting together for a Halloween bash. (Includes Mondo, and my original characters from the "Insanity" series—Neko-chan, her Raichu, and Galaxia.)
Spoilers: Jess and James wear skimpy costumes (tee hee ^_~)
Disclaimer: What, you mean I don't own them?! Damn! (But I do own Neko and Galaxia! Kekekeh…!)
Open: The Pokémon League stadium. The entire stadium has been decked out in Halloween party get-up, including laser lights and DJ booth, and the place is packed with trainers and the such all dressed up in strange and exotic costumes. Nurse Joy is standing at the entrance, greeting guests as they arrive and signing them up for the costume contest.
JOY: Why hello sir, miss! And who are you suppose to be today?
JESSE: I'm Cleopatra—isn't it obvious you half-wit?!
JOY: (sweat drop) Er, why of course you are. Pardon me. It's a wonderful costume!
JESSE: (irritated) Of course it is you airheaded nurse, I designed it myself! (grumbling to self) I'm freezing my ass off in this thing—this had better be worth it!
JOY: (turning to James) And what is your costume, sir?
JAMES: (shivering violently) COOLLLLDD!
JESSE: (elbowing him roughly) Don't listen to him—he's Marc Anthony!
JAMES: (whining) But Jesse, I don't want to be Marc Anthony! I wanted to be a combat officer!
JESSE: James, combat officers don't win costume contests—combat officers get their plastic weapons confiscated at the door.
JOY: (cheerful) Oh, no that's okay! We allow toy weapons as long as they're not used in any way—
JESSE: Shut up, Nurse! Who asked you?!
JAMES: Jesse, this costume is stupid—I look like a half-naked nut case!
JESSE: Shut up, James, and try to look like a prince!
James grumbles a bit but straightens up.
JAMES: Can I at least put a shirt on?
JAMES: How about some pants?
JOY: (sweat dropping some more) So, shall I just put you two down as "Cleopatra and Marc Anthony"?
JAMES: …the combat officer.
JESSE: Marc Anthony was not a combat officer! Marc Anthony was a great Roman emperor!
JAMES: (superior) Ah contraire, mon ami! You forget that Marc Anthony never truly retained the throne and was therefore never ruler of Rome. (gleeful) He was, in fact, merely a general!
JOY: Oh dear! He's right!
JAMES: (akanbe) Nyah, Jesse, nyah, nyah!
JESSE: Shut up, James before I have you beheaded…
MEOWTH: Can we just get to da food already?
JOY: And what are you supposed to be, kitty?
MEOWTH: A fancy doorstop.
JOY: Oh, how cute! (blank look) I don't get it.
MEOWTH: (sigh) Lady, you're one OAV short of a series…
The group wanders off towards the refreshment stand. Elsewhere in the stadium…
JOE: So…what are you supposed to be Ash?
Ash has an ultra-serious look on his face, decked out in large black glasses, ripped white tee and jeans and little bits of tinfoil glued at random places on the right side of his face. A huge Nerf bazooka nearly half his size is slung over one shoulder.
ASH: (phony Arnold voice) I am not at liberty to divulge that information to you, civilian.
JOE: (sigh) Man, this is getting old. I'm going to go see if they restocked the punch bowl…
ASH: Halt! I did not give you permission to leave the premises!
MISTY: Ash, cut it out already with the stupid Terminator impressions! If I here "I'll be back" or "Hasta la vista, baby" one more time, I'm going to deck you with that stupid bazooka!
ASH: But Misty, I have to get in character so I can win the costume contest! No one's going to pick a Terminator saying "Hey, how's it going, dude?" to win!
MISTY: (laughing deferentially) Oh, Ash, so naïve! Everyone knows I'm going to win the costume contest! You don't stand a chance!
ASH: Misty, the only costume contest you'll be winning is "Most Frightening Costume" and you don't even have to dress up for that one…
MISTY: Oh yeah?! I'll show you, Mr. Unoriginal! My "Little Mermaid" costume is going to wow the judges and you'll be the one mistaken for something that fell off the trash heap!
ASH: Say that again, bitch!
MISTY: Okay, trash-boy! Trash-boy, trash-boy! Nyah, nyah!
ASH: Hasta la vista, baby…
Ash chases her with the Nerf bazooka as Brock walks up in a Dracula costume.
BROCK: Would you two please stop fighting over who's going to win the contest already? Both of your costumes are stupid.
BOTH: Are not!
BROCK: Whatever. (brightening) Ooh, it's Misty's sisters! (runs off) Hey, Daisy, I vant to suck your neck—ah, I mean blood! …
DAISY: Agh, get away!
ALL THREE: EEEK!
PIKACHU: Pi ka… (sweat drops and drinks some more punch) *hiccup*
Another Ash (really Neko ^_^) suddenly runs by, followed by a Raichu dressed as a Pikachu and a girl in a cute pink Clefairy costume (that's Galaxia.)
NEKO: (in husky little boy voice) I'm Ash Ketchum from the town of Pallet! I want to be the greatest Pokémon Master ever! Go, Pikachu!
RAICHU: Pi, chu! (electrocutes some random guest wandering by)
NEKO: Yay, another victory, Pikachu! We're unstoppable!
GALAXIA: (sweat drop) You're having way too much fun in that costume Duplica borrowed you, Né-chan…
NEKO: (ignoring her) What's this?! Pikachu's learned another attack? Use your karate-chop action now, Pikachu!
Both Neko and Raichu begin to practice their kung fu moves while Galaxia shakes her head in embarrassment.
NEKO: To infinity…and beyond, Pikachu!
GALAXIA: Wrong costume, Né-chan… (sigh)
MONDO: (walking up) What's she doing?
GALAXIA: Working off those six caramel apples she ate an hour ago.
MONDO: Hey, caramel apples sound good right now! I'm gonna' get some of those! (runs off at the speed of light)
GALAXIA: (frantic) No, Mondo, not more sugar!
The pair rush past Professor Oak, Professor Ivy, Mrs. Ketchum, Tracey, Professor Elm, Gary and whole bunch of random other Pokémon experts from various episodes (like Bill) sitting in a large circle of coffee house sofas.
OAK: It's so wonderful to see all the familiar faces all dressed up and getting togeth—who the hell are you?
IVY: (patiently) Oak, I'm Professor Ivy. Your colleague.
TRACEY: Professor, Professor Ivy and you have known each other for a long time and both of you conduct similar research on the behavior of Pokémon in their natural environment. She's the one who sent you the GS ball for study.
OAK: (grumpy) I still don't know who the hell you are! And what the hell's a Pokémon?!
GARY: Grandpa, did you take your "special" pills this morning?
OAK: I already told you, boy, I'm not taking no damned crazy pills! My memory is perfectly fine! Now you run along and play with your little dolls, Susie.
MRS. KETCHUM: Is the Professor feeling alright?
GARY: Just ignore him and slip this in his punch.
MRS. KETCHUM: (clueless) Okay.
BILL: Oh, Miss Ivy, I admire your work in the research of tropical Pokémon! It's truly fascinating and I was enthralled by it's beauty…not to mention the beauty of it's researcher. Might I ask if you're free this—
IVY: Oh give it up, Bill—we all know you're gay.
ELM: When are they going to get to the judging? I want to know if my replica of the Pokémon reproduction system won any prizes.
GARY: You fool, this is a costume contest, not a science fair!
ELM: (crestfallen) So you don't think it will win?
Meanwhile Galaxia is trying to wrest a jumbo bag of candy corns from a sugar-crazed Mondo in teddy bear pajamas over at the refreshment stand as Jesse and James watch from the sidelines.
GALAXIA: For the sake of all sanity, let go of the candy!
MONDO: Come on, just a little more! Just five more pieces!
GALAXIA: You've already eaten five bags!
MONDO: I can't let go! I'll suffer sugar withdrawal!
GALAXIA: You don't need sugar, you need some Valium for Christ's sake!
JESSE: Do you think we should help?
JAMES: Mondo is a little hyperactive…but it's candy corn, for the love of God! That's a man's God-given right!
JESSE: I'm frightened, now…
MEOWTH: Da doorstop wants some punch.
JESSE: Stop begging or I'll kick the doorstop!
Neko runs up with Raichu, carrying Ash's Nerf bazooka.
NEKO: Look what I jacked off some kids brawling over by the sign-up booth!
JAMES: Agh, scary! Ash with a gun!
NEKO: (imitating Ash) Freeze, Team Rocket! I've got you now! I'm hauling your sorry butts down to the station for attempted theft and trafficking in illegal contraband! Bam, bam!
JAMES: (pretending to keel over) Ah, he got me, the little bastard!
Ketchup begins oozing out from between his fingers where they lay on his chest. In irritation, Jesse rips the bazooka from Neko's hands.
JESSE: Oh, quiet, Twerp! If you had us arrested, I'd just have you sued for assault with a loaded Pikachu!
NEKO: (faking a wound as well) Ooh, touché!
James quickly swipes the bazooka off of Jesse.
JAMES: Whoo-hoo, now I'm a real general! (runs off shooting guests at random) Freeze, turkey!
JESSE: Marc Anthony, get your royal—er—militia butt back here this minute! NO DONUTS FOR A WEEK!
NEKO: (gasp) The horror!
MONDO: (bouncing around insanely) More candy, more candy!
GALAXIA: Down boy, down! Somebody restrain this kid!
MEOWTH: MEOWCH! Watch out for Meowth—I'm a doorstop, not a doormat!
Finally, the lights dim as Officer Jenny ascends the small platform set up at the middle of the stadium to announce the costume contest winners.
JENNY: Attention, everybody, can I have your attention please.
Everyone ignores her.
JENNY: (snapping) I SAID QIUET, DAMNIT!
There is complete silence.
JENNY: Thank you. I wish to welcome all of you to the 31st annual Pokémon League Reunion Halloween Bash. I'm overjoyed by the amazing turnout, not to mention all of the great costumes you've come up with. Our judges have been having a hard time deciding on the winners; you've all done such a wonderful job that it's hard to pick just—
GARY: (near the back) Cut the consolation speech and get to the winners!
OAK: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
JENNY: *ahem* Alright then, as I was saying…Judges, present your votes, please.
Lt. Surge, Susie, Koga, and Lorelei hand her their ballots from the judges' table.
JENNY: In third place, we have Samurai as "The Silent Little Metapod"! (loud applause) Samurai, please come up to receive your prize!
Samurai comes up to the stand and Jenny hands him a ribbon.
SAMURAI: Thank you, Officer. I am honored. I would just like to say—
JENNY: Yeah, yeah, can it, bug-boy…*ahem* Next, we have a tie for second place: Ash Ketchum as "The Terminator" and Misty of the Cerulean Water Flowers as "Ariel, the Little Mermaid". Both of you come up and receive your prizes! (loud applause)
BROCK: (half-heartedly) Yay, they won. Whoopdie-doo.
Ash and Misty rush up to the podium, knocking each other over and pushing each other out of the way.
ASH: Outta' my way, Misty! She said my name first so that means I won!
MISTY: No, I won, you dolt! Get off the stage!
JENNY: (knocking both out of her way) And now, for the runners up: the couple costumes.
JESSE: (hugging James tightly) This is it, James! When all our hard-work and sacrifice pays off!
JAMES: But Jesse, you had our costumes custom-made—we didn't do anything!
JESSE: (hiss) Quiet, you dolt! Don't give away an artist's secrets!
JENNY: Our two couples are…Neko-chan and her Raichu as "Ash & Pikachu"…(loud applause as Neko and Raichu take the stand)
JAMES: (giddy) Ooh, Neko made runner up! (waving to Neko) Hey, Né-chan, over here!
JESSE: James, shut up! She's the competition!
JAMES: Oh, that's right! (game face) Grrr!
Neko and Raichu give James a weird look. James just shrugs and points at Jesse, who punches him in the shoulder roughly.
JENNY: And our second couple is…(drum roll) Jesse and James as "Cleopatra and Marc Anthony…(squints at her paper)…the combat officer"?
JAMES: (jumping up) Yay!
JESSE: (smacks her forehead) Grrr, I can't believe she wrote the combat part…!
JAMES: Do I get to be a combat officer now?
JESSE: (sigh) Just get on stage, James, before I 'combat officer' your ass…
JENNY: Now, each couple will be given a chance to win votes. I'll raise a hand over each couple and the rest of you must cheer when I raise my hand over your favorite couple. Ready?
JESSE: Hope you two don't mind eating our dust!
NEKO: It's you who's going to be eating dust!
JAMES: You two sound like a bunch of vacuum cleaners…
JENNY: Okay, here we go!
Jenny raises her hand over Neko and Raichu, who receive loud applause accompanied by loud whooping.
NEKO: Beat that, Egypt-girl.
JESSE: Better than a cross-dresser!
JESSE: Sorry, James.
JENNY: That sounds like a pretty big vote for Neko and Raichu! Let's see how well Jesse and James do!
Jenny raises her hand over Jesse and James. The crowd is cheering and shrieking loudly, accompanied by a chorus of inappropriate whistling.
JAMES: (blushing) Jesse, why again did I have to wear this costume?
JESSE: (blushing also) So that I wouldn't have to stand up here alone in this skimpy costume.
JAMES: Good point.
JENNY: Alright, the votes are in, people! We have an awfully close match here. Judges?
The judges confer for a moment, then Susie steps up to whisper something in Jenny's ear.
JENNY: (gasp) Folks, it has just been brought to my attention that a rule has been broken that will disqualify one of the contenders!
Murmur of surprise in the crowd.
JENNY: (sternly) Miss Jesse, is it true that you are wearing cosmetics NOT sanctioned by the FDA as animal safe?
JESSE: (sweat drop) Well, I might—I mean, I never looked—I guess they could be—I never meant to—
JAMES: (gasp) Jesse, you didn't! (turns away) I'm ashamed!
JENNY: I'm sorry, but in light of this, I must grant the place of runner-up to Neko and Raichu!
NEKO: (bored) Damn. It's no fun winning by default. (behind her hand to Jesse) Just pretend we kicked your ass.
JESSE: (depressed) Whatever… (bursts into tears)
JAMES: (patting her shoulders comfortingly) Don't worry, Jesse. Next year we'll be sure to buy you L'Oreal for the competition.
MRS. KETCHUM: Oh look, Ash won! How nice! (waving) Honey, I'm so proud of you! I hope you put on fresh underwear this morning!
TRACEY: Mrs. Ketchum, that's not Ash. This is a costume contest.
OAK: For Christ's sake, who the hell is Ash?!
GARY: Grandpa, just drink your punch.
NEKO: Hey, wait. We're only runner-up! Who the hell won first?
JENNY: Oh, that one's easy.
Officer Jenny suddenly tears off her wig and mask, revealing herself to be Cassidy underneath.
CASSIDY: I do, because no one ever guessed Jenny was really me!
MEOWTH: (from the back) I did! I could smell your funk way over here, Cassidy!
CASSIDY: Shut up, doorstop!
NEKO: Argh, I lost to you?! No way! (bangs her head on the podium in frustration)
Mondo walks up.
MONDO: Candy corn?
NEKO: Candy would be nice…
JESSE: You mean that was you all along?! I should have known, you rotten sneaky witch! You should be disqualified!
JAMES: If you're here, then where's Butch?
Nurse Joy rips off 'her' wig and mask as well.
NEKO: (cringing) Eee…
GALAXIA: Now that's just gross.
JESSE: I thought that Nurse Joy seemed stupider than usual.
The two teams glare at each other for a moment (the rest of the guests have lost interest and gone back to their own conversations), Neko and Mondo systematically shoving fistfuls of candy corn into their mouths.
JAMES: Uh, now what?
Cassidy hands him and Jesse bars of fancy soap.
CASSIDY: Here's your consolation soap.
JESSE & JAMES: Thanks!
Now wasn't that a truly creepy tale? And just in time for Halloween. =^0^=
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