Augustus' POV

I hopped down the stairs after Isaac, listening to him go on and on about Monica. I mean, I know they're like "in love" or whatever, but did he always have to talk about her?

Oh god. Don't even get me started on the word always! I swear, their whole text conversation was

Isaac: always

Monica: always

Isaac: always

Monica: always

And so it goes. Mental Eye Roll.

When we reached the Literal Heart of Jesus, I took a seat in one of the small molded plastic elementary school chairs. I sat down, slouched with one of my hands half in the pocket of my dark jeans.

I sat there, just looking around, waiting for the actual support group to start, because the sooner it started, the sooner I could get the hell out of here.

I only came at Isaac's request, because I knew how he fealt, even if he won't show it. Those last days before the cancer steals a part of you, eyes, leg, anything, are terrible. All you want is more time.

That's all anyone ever wants, really.

I looked back at the stair well that we came down, already dreading going up them. I could still do lots with Ol' Prosty, but not being able to bend your leg at the knee made going up the stairs a little bit more difficult then it was for the normal person.

That's when she walked down.

A girl, with short hair, wearing faded jeans and a yellow t-shirt advertising an old band, walked in dragging a cylindrical green tank behind her. I watched as she walked over to the table filled with dry grocery- store cookies and artificially bright- coloured drinks. She grabbed a cookie and poured a drink into a paper cups before turning around, letting me see her face for the first time.

Her eyes met mine, but I didn't look away. I couldn't.

It was amazing and horrifying, all at the same time. It was like seeing a ghost of Caroline, right there in front of me. Time seemed to freeze, and I swore I could hear Caroline next to me, whispering the same insults in my ear over and over, laughing like a maniac. But yet, this girl didn't look like Sick Caroline. She looked like the Caroline I knew before the tumour had taken over her brain; the girl I saw on the swing set, day after day.

Time unfroze, and the girl looked away, blushing. She glanced at me a second time, quickly, before looking away and walking towards the circle. I looked more carefully this time. I could tell just by looking at her that she was beautiful, hidden by the monster that had brought us all together today: cancer.

Fascinated, I watched as she took the seat next to Isaac, just 2 seats away from me.

Looking at her was like reading a new book, or how I imagine Christopher Columbus felt when he first discovered America. I just wanted to explore her mind and know everything about her.

Support Group had just become my new favourite place.

She quickly glanced at me again before pulling out her phone and checking the screen.

I wanted to scream out in frustration. I couldn't even get her to hold my gaze! I had never had any trouble with girls, but this girl was different. In a good way.

In a very good way.

The circle quickly filled with the cancer-ful teenagers, and the group leader, (Peter, Pat, I couldn't remember his name, just that it started with a P) began a prayer,

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I stared at her the whole time, still fascinated by this beautiful angel that had been sent to me from heaven. Of course, she was not the average kind of beauty. Her worn out clothes hid her curves, and her dark hair lay flat on her head. She wore no makeup, no perfume, and no jewellery. No tight or exposing clothes, like most girls my age. But yet I had never seen anyone so gorgeous, and the fact that she didn't even try only made her even more beautiful.

As the group leader, (... PATRICK! I remembered Isaac mentioning that to me on the way here!) Patrick, started talking again, she looked back at me again. Only, this time she didn't look away.

For infinite years, I stared into her green eyes.

Green had just become my new favourite colour.

Thinking she was staring at me because she was annoyed I had been staring at her, I smiled apologetically and looked away.

Only, when I snuck a glance at her again, she met my eyes and flicked her eyebrows up as if to say, I win.

Feeling stupid, I shrugged my shoulders as Isaac started talking. I turned away from her to concentrate on Isaac. I was here for him, after all.

"I'm Isaac." He said to the group, "I'm 17. And it's looking like I have to get surgery in a couple weeks, after which I'll be blind. Not to complain or anything because I know a lot of us have it worse, but yeah, I mean, being blind does sort of suck. My girlfriend helps though," And your amazing super awesome best friend too! I thought to myself, "And friends like Augustus." He said as if reading my mind. "So, yeah, there's nothing you can do about it."

"We're here for you Isaac" Patrick said, "Let Isaac hear it, guys." Not sure what to do, I watched as everyone in the circle repeated him in dead, monotoned voices.

When they got to me, I smiled a bit before starting.

"My name is Augustus Waters," I said, "I'm 17. I had a touch of osteosarcoma a year and a half ago, but I'm just here today at Isaac's request."

"And how are you feeling?" Patrick asked.

"Oh, I'm grand." I smirked, "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend."

After an agonizing wait, it was finally her turn. I smiled in anticipation of this mysterious girl finally having a name, as if that would make her any less mysterious.

"My name is Hazel," she said, "I'm 16." I like younger girls anyways "Thyroid with mets in my lungs. I'm okay."

She had spoken so little, and I found myself aching to hear her voice again. As cheesy as it sounded, her voice was like music to my ears, and I wanted to hear the song over and over.

For an hour, people spoke. It seemed that everyone except her and I had spoken. I watched her the whole time, never getting bored of looking at her. If she was uncomfortable with me staring at her, she didn't show it. She even met my gaze a few times.

I noticed that whenever someone talked about ridiculous things like anti- cancer diets, or special exercises, she would look at Isaac and sigh. Shortly after, he would sigh in response and shake his head ever so slightly.

Whenever this happened, I felt a pang in the pit of my stomach. It took me a while to figure out the feeling. It was jealousy.

Jealousy was a stupid thing to feel towards my best friend who was already in a relationship, but I couldn't help it. I had, however, agreed with myself that I was allowed to be mad at Isaac for not telling me about Hazel.

Knowing the doppelganger of my dead girlfriend was going to be here would've been good to prepare for.

The longer this went on, the harder it became for me to hide my jealousy. Finally, Patrick called on me. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding, glad for the distraction. I didn't hear the whole sentence, just

"...share your fears with the group."

"My fears?" I asked.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hazel perk up at the sound of my voice. Seeing that gave me butterflies in my stomach.

I've never gotten butterflies from a girl before. I thought girls only got butterflies from guys. What the hell?!

"Yes" Patrick said.

"I fear oblivion." I said without hesitation. "I fear it like the proverbial blind man who's afraid of the dark."

"Too soon." Isaac said, smiling.

"Was that insensitive?" I asked, smiling too. "I can be pretty blind to other people's feelings."

We were both laughing, but Patrick stopped us by saying,

"Augustus, please. Let's return to you and your struggles. You said you fear oblivion?"

"I did" I agreed, settling down.

Patrick looked confused. "Would, uh, anyone like to speak to that."

I didn't expect anyone to raise their hand. But then, after a moment, she half raised her hand.

"Hazel!" Patrick called with great enthusiasm. I guess she didn't talk much during Support Group.

She looked me right in the eye.

"There will come a time," she said, "when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything." I watched her, stunned. Her beauty seemed to double with each word that came out of her mouth. "There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this-" she gestured around the room "will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be a time after. If the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that's what everyone else does."

After she finished, everyone was silent. I felt a smile spread all the way across my face, and I didn't try to hide it.

"God damn," I said quietly, but loud enough so that she could hear, "aren't you something else."

Neither of us spoke for the end of support group, but when it was over, I pushed myself out of the plastic chair and walking over to her. She was shorter than me, and I kept my distance so that she wouldn't have to crane her neck to look at me.

"What's your name?" I asked

"Hazel" she replied.

"No, your full name."

"Um, Hazel Grace Lancaster." she said.

I opened my mouth to reply but Isaac walked up.

"Hold on." I said to Hazel Grace. I turned to Isaac.

"That was actually worse than you made it out to be." I said.

"I told you it was bleak." He responded.

"Why do you bother with it?" I asked, not really understanding the point of sitting in a circle while listening to a group of canceristic children talk about how strong and brave they feel.

"I don't know," He said with a shrug, "It kind of helps?"

I leaned in so Hazel Grace couldn't hear.

"She's a regular?" I asked.

"Ya. She looks just like Caroline, doesn't she?" He replied, quieter than me.

"I'll say." I responded and clasped Isaac on the shoulder before stepping back. "Tell Hazel about clinic."

And so he recounted The Story of The Stupid Doctor, while I watched Hazel's lips, a smile teasing upon them.

"He sounds like a winner," She said after Isaac finished, "I'm gonna try to get me some eye cancer just so I can make this guy's acquaintance."

"Good luck with that. All right, I should go. Monica's waiting for me. I gotta look at her a lot while I can." Isaac said, and I rolled my eyes.

"Counterinsurgence tomorrow?" I asked

"Definitely!" Isaac replied over his shoulder as he ran to the stairs, taking them 2 at a time, leaving me alone with Hazel Grace.

I turned back to Hazel Grace.

"Literally." I said

"Literally?" She asked, confused.

"We are literally in the heart of Jesus." I responded, "I thought we were in a church basement, but we are literally in the heart of Jesus."

"Someone should tell Jesus." She said, "I mean, it's gotta be dangerous, storing kids with cancer in your heart."

"I would tell him myself," I replied, "but unfortunately I am literally stuck inside of his heart, so he wouldn't be able to hear me." I thought it was a lame response, but I heard her laugh. I shook my head, smiling and just looking at her.

"What?" She asked, looking self- conscious.

"Nothing." I said

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

Just tell her, Augustus! "Because you're beautiful. I enjoy looking at beautiful people, and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence." When she didn't say anything, I continued to fill the awkward silence. "I mean, particularly given that, as you so deliciously-" Really, Augustus?! DELICIOUSLY?! "pointed out, all of this will end in oblivion and everything."

She scoffed, "I'm not beau-"

"You're like a millennial Natalie Portman. Like V for Vendetta Natalie Portman."

"Never seen it." She said.

"Really? Pixie- haired gorgeous girl dislikes authority and can't help but fall for a boy she knows is trouble. It's your autobiography, as far as I can tell," I flirted.

A girl walked past us. "How's it going, Alisa?" I asked her.

"Hi Augustus." She mumbled and smiled.

"Memorial people," I explained, "Where do you go?"

"Children's," She said, her voice much shyer than it was before. I nodded, not knowing what to say.

"Well," She said, and started walking towards the stairwell. I followed. "So, see you next time, maybe?" She asked

As long as you'll be here, I said in my head, but knew I shouldn't say that out loud. This was awkward enough. She said it as if she was saying goodbye. And I was not ready to say goodbye to Hazel Grace just yet.

"You should see it," I said, ignoring her question. "V for Vendetta, I mean."

"Okay," she said, "I'll look it up."

That's not the point of watching the movie. You're supposed to watch it with ME.

"No. With me. At my house. Now." I said.

She stopped walking. "I hardly know you, Augustus Waters. You could be an ax murderer."

All I could think while she said that was how my name rolled off her tongue, so naturally; so beautifully.

I nodded. "True enough, Hazel Grace." I said, and walked passed her. Her answer was final. There's no point in thinking What Could Have Been. And besides, i had just met Hazel Grace, I shouldn't have thought that she would just, I don't know, jump in my car so we could drive off into the sunset and live Happily Ever After.

We both stumbled up the stairs. I tried to make it the least obvious I could, but I could feel myself limping a bit. When we reached the top, we came out of the church to see Isaac and Monica making out against the wall.

"What's with the 'always'?" Hazel Grace asked.

I sighed. "Always is their thing. They'll always love each other or whatever. I would conservatively estimate they have texted each other the word always 4 million times in the last year."

After a few more cars took everyone else away, it was just Hazel Grace and I, watching Isaac and Monica make out.

"Imagine taking that last drive to the hospital." she said quietly. "The last time you'll ever drive a car."

"Your killing my vibe here, Hazel Grace," I said, "I'm trying to observe young love and it's many- splendored awkwardness."

"I think he's hurting her boob." She said.

"Yes," I replied, "it's difficult to ascertain whether he is trying to arouse her or perform a breast exam."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my pack of cigarettes. I took one out and put it between my lips.

"Are you serious?" Hazel Grace asked angrily. "You think that's cool? Oh, my God, you just ruined the whole thing."

"Which whole thing?" I asked, turning to her. The smile had faded from my lips and I watched her eyes dance between the cigarette between my lips and my eyes.

"The whole thing when a boy who is not unattractive or unintelligent or seemingly in any way unacceptable stares at me and points out incorrect uses of literality and compares me to actresses and asks me to watch a movie at his house. But of course there is always a hamartia and yours is that, oh, my God, even though you HAD FREAKING CANCER you give money to a company in exchange for the chance to acquire YET MORE CANCER. Let me just assure you that not being able to breath? SUCKS. Totally disappointing. Totally."

"A hamartia?" I asked.

"A fatal flaw." She explained and turned away from me. Just as a car pulled up (that I assume was hers), I grabbed her hand. I felt the silkiness of her skin before she abruptly ripped it out of mine.

"They don't kill you unless you light one," I explained, desperate for her to understand. "and I've never lit one. It's a metaphor, see: you put the killing thing right between your teeth but don't give it the power to do its killing."

"It's a metaphor," She repeated, doubt hinting her voice.

"It's a metaphor." I agreed.

"You choose your behaviors based on their metaphorical resonances..." She said

I smiled. "Oh yes. I'm a big believer in metaphors, Hazel Grace."

She turned to the car. The window rolled down. "I'm going to a movie with Augustus Waters." She said. "Please record the next several episodes of ANTM marathon for me."

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

As we walked to my car, I already saw it: Hazel Grace was going to be mine. Heaven had sent this angel to me for a reason. I wasn't going to let her fly away.

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