13Disclaimer: I do not own this maze of bone and flesh and word and wit. But I do swear, that if I dare, I'll make something of it.
A/N: This entire story is based off of a Tumblr post that basically said: "Give me Eugene's snarky narration of summer freezing over suddenly and Rapunzel's exasperated attempts at getting him to behave."
So. You're welcome.
"This is the story of how I froze to death…"
"Eugene!" Rapunzel elbowed her fiancé sharply in the ribs. "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't narrate our lives anymore!"
"I agreed to stop narrating your life," Eugene retorted cheerfully. "I never said anything about mine."
"Eugene, we're together practically all the time, though!" Rapunzel said exasperatedly.
Eugene winked at her. "That's what you think." Waggling his eyebrows in what was probably supposed to be a mysterious gesture but mostly ended up looking ridiculous, he started backing away. Rapunzel stared at him in outrage.
"Why you –! Eugene! Have you been sneaking out of the castle and having adventures without me again?"
"Maaaaaaaybe," he drawled, looking up at her from under the fringe of hair that always managed to flop into his face. Try as she might, when faced with that ridiculous little smile and the ever-bright twinkle in his eyes, staying mad at Eugene was impossible.
"You," Rapunzel said to her future husband, "are impossible."
"Yes," he agreed happily, "but," and he stepped forward suddenly and took her hands in his, "do you know what else I am?"
"What?" she breathed, leaning forward to bump her forehead against his.
He tilted his head, smiled down at her, and whispered.
"I. Am. Freezing."
000
When one is the princess of a kingdom, and one is invited to the coronation of one's allied nation's new queen, one does not really have a choice in the matter, but must leave one's home and travel north, north, north, north, north until one reaches a land where they call a lake a fjord, and then one must try to keep one's fiancé from picking the pockets of all the other guests.
It had been a long day.
Eugene and Rapunzel had arrived in Arendelle along with various other ambassadors and representatives from the many kingdoms Arendelle traded, allied, or was vaguely familiar with, and had immediately decided that they didn't want to be in the same group as most of them. So, rather than announcing themselves as "Princess Rapunzel and her fiancé Eugene Fitzherbert," they simply blended in with the crowds that were all straining to catch a glimpse inside the newly opened castle gates.
Naturally, neither of them really knew anything at all about Arendelle, or Arendelle's princesses –Rapunzel because she'd been locked up in a tower until about a year and a half ago, and Eugene because, well. Eugene. So when the young lady with auburn hair flew out of the gates and into the crowd, they didn't immediately connect her with Princess Anna, younger sister to the soon-to-be Queen Elsa, they just got out of her way and let her go wherever she was going.
(She was singing. Singing was Serious Business. You did not want to get in the way of someone who was running down the street singing at the top of her lungs. You just didn't.)
Of course, afterwards, when they had both, somewhat sheepishly, been presented to Queen Elsa and Princess Anna by a disapproving footman, Rapunzel and Eugene found themselves unable to stop giggling over the fact that they hadn't even recognized one of their hostesses when she had all but flung herself into their arms. And then, because they were Rapunzel and Eugene, they couldn't stop giggling about every other little thing that struck them as remotely amusing.
And quite a lot of things struck them as amusing.
"Maybe it's the fondue," Eugene had mused in between chuckles as he led Rapunzel off the dance floor and to the side of the room underneath a gigantic painting.
"No," she had gasped back, "I'm pretty sure it's just the duke of Weaseltown's dancing."
"I think it's pronounced Wesselton," a voice informed dryly from behind her. Rapunzel turned to find a handsome young man in a uniform, holding a glass of champagne.
"Hello," she said, smiling. For some reason, Eugene had suddenly gone very tense beside her. The young man either didn't notice or didn't care, because he smiled in return and gave them both a slight bow.
"I am Prince Hans of the Southern Isles," he announced.
"Pleased to meet you!" Rapunzel said cheerfully. "I am –"
"Princess Rapunzel," Hans finished for her. He grinned boyishly at her surprise. "You are the Lost Princess of the Golden Lanterns," he said, shrugging. "Everyone knows who you are."
"Oh," she tried not to sound as startled by that as she was. "Alright then."
Hans bowed again. "Please excuse me, Princess. I just saw someone I wish to speak to rather urgently." He turned away and moved effortlessly through the crowd.
Rapunzel eyed Eugene. "Alright, let's have it."
He jumped a little. "Have what?" he murmured, trying for nonchalance. Rapunzel took his hand.
"Come on, out with it. What's got you spooked?"
Eugene's shoulders relaxed almost instantly. "It's that prince," he answered immediately. "I don't like him."
"Why?" she asked. "He seemed perfectly nice to me."
"Yes," he agreed. "That's the problem."
Shaking her head, Rapunzel tugged on Eugene's hand and led him back to the dance floor. "Come on," she said softly, "don't worry about it."
He let her pull him into the dance.
Then, not a half hour later, everything just became absurd. Queen Elsa was apparently capable of some extensive magical… stuff and nobody, not even her sister, had known about it. And then the queen, quite naturally, had become frightened when everybody lost their minds and started acting like she was evil for no reason at all. Anna had ridden off on horseback to find Elsa and bring her back, leaving none other than Prince Hans of the Southern Isles in charge until her return because apparently they were engaged now or something.
Oh yeah, and everything, and that really does mean everything, was covered in ice and snow.
Eugene was already getting tired of Arendelle.
000
"And so, here we are, stranded in a foreign land with moody royals and moodier weather. It is a few degrees less than freezing cold outside, which makes me feel very sorry for all the people who are outside, while simultaneously feeling very glad that I don't have to be one of those people anymore, and slightly confused as to why they all don't just go home? I mean, presumably they live here, it is their country after all –"
"Eugene!"
Snapping out of his narration, Eugene managed a sheepish smile for Rapunzel. "Yes, darling?"
She smiled back at him, sweet in a way that reminded him of prehensile hair and frying pans. "You were narrating again."
"Hmm, so I was," he pretended to be surprised. She laughed.
"Come on, Eugene, it's not as bad as you make it sound. Think of it like this: we are in a foreign kingdom, alone, without my parents around to make me act like a princess and you like a… fiancé to a princess. We could have an adventure!"
"Uh, Rapunzel? This isn't enough of an adventure for you? An eternal winter just set in because a pair of sisters threw synchronized tantrums."
She mock-frowned at him. "Come ooooon, Eugene! There has to be something that you want to do!"
Well. Now that she mentioned it.
000
"Wheeeeeeeeeee!"
Sliding down the railing of the enormous, curving staircase in Arendelle's castle was just as much fun as Eugene had thought it would be. Rapunzel's parents, bless them, were wonderful, but they were also very conscious about Rapunzel behaving in a manner befitting a princess. And that, unfortunately, meant no banister sliding.
At least, while her parents were actually around.
And they definitely weren't around now, so Eugene and Rapunzel ran to the very top of the stairs, ignoring startled glances from servants and guards who probably didn't want them running all over the castle but weren't quite sure about ordering around a future royal couple. Whatever, Eugene was totally going to slide down banisters when he and Rapunzel were married.
Giggling, they both climbed onto the railing and settled carefully. Rapunzel wrapped her arms tightly around Eugene's waist, he looked over his shoulder to flash her an excited smile, and then they were off, flying down a polished banister and spiraling towards the ground.
Somewhere, Eugene thought smugly, someone is having way less fun than I am.
After three more repetitions of sliding, Rapunzel finally begged dizziness and she and Eugene walked back to the front hall, where Prince Hans was organizing some kind of blanket and soup kitchen.
"As we wander through the Great Hall, I question the sanity of the people of Arendelle. Why don't they just go home? Perhaps they are all just really concerned about their queen and princess. Or perhaps they're really hard up for entertainment up here…"
"Eugene, stop narrating everything!"
000
"We could go ice skating," Rapunzel suggested, in the tone of voice one employs when one knows that one's suggestion is not going to be received well.
Eugene looked at her incredulously. "Please no. I'm begging you not to even bring it up again. It's too cold. It's just too cold."
"Well alright then," she huffed, sitting back and crossing her arms over her chest.
This was boring. She was bored. And what did that say about her? The new queen was missing, the princess was missing, some weirdo claiming to be engaged to the princess was in charge of Arendelle, and Rapunzel was bored?
A clinking noise came from her right, where Eugene was slumped against the wall. She turned to find him staring disconsolately at a long silver chain necklace that he was letting slip through his fingers over and over only to catch it at the last second before it fell.
"Eugene!" she hissed. He looked up and met her eyes shamelessly.
"What?" he asked. "I'm bored."
She exhaled in exasperation. "You can't just steal people's jewelry because you're bored, Eugene Fitzherbert."
He ducked his head and then looked up at her from under his eyelashes.
As usual, she caved.
"Ohhh," she groaned, bumping her head back against the wall. "I'm bored, too. What is wrong with us? The entire kingdom is completely frozen, and we're sitting here trying to come up with ways to keep ourselves entertained? Something is obviously wrong here."
"We shouldn't interfere," Eugene said placidly. "It's not our story. Anna and Elsa need to play this out in their own way. Our getting involved could do more harm than good."
She side-eyed him. "What about Prince Hans?"
He scowled. "What about him?"
"You don't like him."
"I don't like lots of people, Rapunzel. That doesn't mean they're evil."
She frowned. "Uh, actually, that's usually exactly what it means. Remember that other prince who came to visit our castle not long after we went to live there? You didn't like him right from the start, and everybody kept saying you were just jealous even though I couldn't see anything for you to be jealous over and then he turned out to be an assassin and not a prince at all."
"Well," he started, only to stop in confusion a moment later, "wait, you didn't know why I would be jealous?"
Rapunzel shrugged. "Well, no, not really. I mean, why would I be?"
Eugene stared at her. "Rapunzel, he was trying to court you. Everybody in the castle knew that."
Her eyes went wide. "I didn't."
And then Eugene was laughing, sliding down the wall to sit next to her on the bench. "Of course you didn't," he said fondly. "It never even occurred to you."
Rapunzel tilted her head to one side and smiled at him. "Why would it? I have a fiancé."
Eugene looked thoughtful. "I sort of want to kiss you right now," he informed her. She grinned at him.
"Then what's stopping you?"
BANG!
"A horse apparently," Eugene said dryly. "Story of my life."
As it turned out, the horse that had just crashed through the doors was the one Princess Anna had ridden away on when she went after her sister. Prince Hans immediately freaked and decided that he would take some volunteers out into the frozen wasteland to find the missing princess.
Eugene thought about volunteering for about three seconds.
"But then I thought, why would I do that? It's cold out there, and also, not my story. Besides, Hans is probably more than capable of handling the situation. It's not like there's some kind of enormous ice monster out there waiting for him."
000
"I couldn't believe it. I could. Not. Believe it.
"Rapunzel isn't here right now, so I can narrate to my heart's content. She's off somewhere with some of the castle maids, trying to figure out what is wrong with the central heating in this place. It's like a castle made of ice or something.
"As it happens, there was an enormous ice monster waiting for Hans. My mistake. Unfortunately, the big lug didn't eat our fair prince, and now the idiot's dragged Queen Elsa back and locked her in the dungeon. In the dungeon! I swear, I don't know what's wrong with this place. Snow and ice in summer, locking the queen in a dungeon, and don't even get me started on the fjords.
"When they brought Elsa in chains I said to Rapunzel: 'This would never happen in our kingdom.' And then she said to me: 'Eugene, this happened last week in our kingdom when you sneaked into my bedroom in the middle of the night and the palace guards thought you were an assassin because you refuse to use the door.'
"That is true. I spend an awful lot of time being chained up by the palace guards, to be honest. If I didn't know better, I would think that they were upset about me stealing Rapunzel's crown out from under their noses.
"Bitter much?
"Anyway –whoa, okay, there's some kind of commotion happening downstairs. Window, window, where's a window when you need one –aha!
"Okay, okay, so… there's Princess Anna. She looks okay, except for that she's shivering. Which, actually, I guess is normal because everything is frozen. Oh, and also her hair is striped now. I suppose that means something… there's some guy with a… is that a reindeer? Right, okay, so some guy with a reindeer just dropped Anna off at the door and now he's leaving and the servants are calling for Hans and…"
"Eugene? Eugene, where are you?"
"Annnd, I should probably climb back inside before my princess decides to close the window and leave me out here to freeze to death."
000
Rapunzel stared hard at the reindeer, whose name, she had learned, was Sven, and did her best not to blink. Eugene was ignoring the staring contest, choosing instead to shake his head fondly over Rapunzel's adorableness and then pretend she wasn't talking to the reindeer. He just hoped she wasn't about to take a bite of the animal's carrot, like its owner did sometimes.
Kristoff wasn't a bad guy. Eugene rather liked him, even if he was a bit socially impaired and also weirdly obsessed with ice. He and Anna would have beautiful crazy little babies, Eugene was sure.
"And how did we end up here, you ask? With Anna marrying Kristoff instead of Hans?
"What an excellent question. I'd like to know the answer myself…"
What happened was this:
Hans turned out to be evil and tried to kill Anna and then Elsa. The queen escaped and ran away from the palace, creating a huge snowstorm in her wake. Which, of course, ruined Arendelle's castle for central heating ever again. The pipes must've been frozen solid by now. Anyway,
Anna survived somehow, and went out in the storm to find Kristoff, who was her real true love (or at least, that was the garbled explanation Eugene managed to get out of the talking snowman… which Eugene was carefully not thinking about because what?), and ended up saving her sister from Hans' evil attempts to… evil. Because Anna loved her sister truly, and apparently there's more than one type of "true love," who knew?
And after that, Eugene wasn't entirely sure what had happened because nobody would settle down and explain anything to him except for the snowman, and he wasn't quite ready for that, he didn't think. All he knew after Anna saved Elsa was that Elsa melted all of the ice and snow and suddenly the fjord was running again.
And then Anna punched Hans in the nose.
Heh.
"I don't want to say I told you so," Eugene began when Rapunzel finished her contest with Sven (she won, of course –Sven was good, but Rapunzel had competed in staring contests with Pascal and the reindeer really didn't stand a chance). She came up next to him and snuggled herself under his arm and into his side.
"Oh, yes you do, shut up," she retorted cheerfully. "Don't even pretend otherwise."
"Alright," he agreed, "I won't."
"Eugene?" Rapunzel sighed.
"Yeah?"
"Let's go home."
"I thought you'd never ask," he answered fervently.
A/N: I decided to write this at 1:15 AM and did it while also reading fanfiction and watching Leverage.
My dearest wish for the outcome of this endeavor is to be recognized as a freaking magical enchantress and also queen.