A/N Spoiler for Vikings. If you're new to the fandom, this will squeal a few things, so many come back after you've thoroughly watched season 1. Characters and settings do not belong to me. I'm just taking my turn playing with them.
Father, you're back!
Don't cry. Mourn if you need to, but don't cry, I am fine. You talked about wanting to stroke my hair. It always made me feel better when you did. I don't need that now to make me feel better but I know it would make you feel better, therefore, I wish you could. Wouldn't it be funny if others knew that Ragnar, the rugged and fierce Ragnar had such a soft spot for his children? Remember when I used to run away and tell you to come find me? You would look and look and if I didn't start giggling while watching you look or Bjorn didn't tell you where I was, you would, eventually say "Ah-hah! I see you, Gyda!" You weren't even looking my way, how did you know I was there?
Walking through Kattegat, holding your hand, stopping to talk to this person and that. Sometimes I think you forgot I was there but it was nice to listen, even though I didn't always know what you were talking about I was just proud that it seemed that everyone knew you. Going through the woods and Floki jumping out and startling me. Dear Floki, I will miss his giggle.
When I started sneezing and getting sick, I thought it was because I had been running in the water when it was cold and I didn't wrap up later on that night. There was no warm water for me to soak my feet in before bed like you used to do. I didn't want to ask mother, I didn't want her to know I had been in the water. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I told Athelstan to make me a cup of hot milk. He did that and he brought a pan of warm water, too for me to hang my feet into and wrapped a blanket around me as he told me stories about his God. They're quite a bit alike, his God and Odin, aren't they? Maybe they're actually brothers.
Speaking of brothers, please keep peace with your brother. I know you are always fighting who is better but the only thing that makes you better in my eyes is that you are my dear father. Otherwise, you are both the best, even though he never really got the hang of my not being a child anymore and played foolish games. I played because I didn't see him often and he meant well. I don't think he had anyone else to play with.
Anyway, when my throat got sore and I started coughing, I thought I had caught the chill you always threatened me about when you found me playing in the water on cold days. I thought I was going to be in trouble when you came back. The next morning when I woke up, I was so hot, Father. My eyes, when I could open them, stung like everyone's do when Mother is cooking with pepper. I told her the pepper was stinging my eyes but she said she wasn't using pepper, it was just the fever. I wanted you to come home because when I used to have fever, you would take me to the lake and walk right in there with your clothes on while you held me in your arms. The water cooled me, then you would wrap me in your cape and you would shiver as you carried me back to the house and handed me over to mother. She would shoo you off to the fire and brought you a blanket after she put me back to bed.
When Mother told me that Athelstan was also sick, I felt bad. I had told him to bring me the milk, he brought me the warm water and the sat up and talked to me. I probably made him sick. I don't know how Siggy and Thyri got sick though, I hadn't been around them. Thyri is here with me though, she said it wasn't my fault.
I can't tell you the truth about the Gods - what is right and what is wrong but I can tell you, Father that it is so beautiful here. You know the look that mother gives when you know she can't possibly love you more than she does at that moment? It's even more beautiful than that. I know that she doesn't like you anymore but I promise you, Father, she still loves you. That's why she is hurt. You'll like it here but you can't come yet. I don't know when you or Mother will join me. I think it's one of the few surprises we still get - some day I will look and you will be here. Part of me wishes that it was right now but once you're here, you have all the answers. You know all the reasons 'why' your loved ones can't join you yet. Imagine if we were all to come here at once! It was busy enough after the fever and then after various battles and natural causes. The only bad thing about being here is that I worry that you will forget me. The bad thing about being here is that your loved ones think you're so far away, when it's the opposite. I am closer to you now that I ever could be when you were across the sea or even when we were holding hands going through Kattegat. Even closer than when you used to sit in front of the fire and hold me until I fell asleep when I was a child. I always loved hearing your voice and heartbeat in your chest as I dozed off and now I get to listen to it all the time.
When I couldn't fight the fever anymore, a beautiful lady came to get me. She said she was your mother but she didn't have to say it. When I looked at her face, I saw you. I never met her before but she knew my name and told me I had to follow her and not be afraid. I promise you, father, when it is your turn to join me, I will come and get you. I will visit you any time you wish, too but you will know it's the real time because you will feel my hand in yours. The warmth and feeling of that will be unlike anything you have ever felt before and you will follow without question. It will all feel just right. Until that day though, father, you, too can talk to me any time you wish. I am close, I do hear.
It's odd that I am wiser than you are now isn't it? Please don't mourn the children I didn't have, the grandchildren I never gave you. They were never there, Father. I wasn't meant to be around long enough to become a mother and I dare say, I probably would have been a very old lady before I found a man who would be good enough that you would place my hand in his. With a father like Ragnar Lothbrok, that man that asked for my hand would have to be brave. Even braver than you!
I am, as you said, the light in your life, father. I have the extra knowledge that, even if you have a hundred more daughters, they will grow to be women and bless you with many grandchildren but I will be the one who will remain your little girl and hold your had forever.
You'll be okay, father. I promise.