Down on his luck, Feliks Lucasiewicz, a once famous Broadway producer, plots to make a fortune from a flop. Unfortunately, Toris, A meek accountant, is dragged into the scheme and is forced to deal with a crazy German, Italian directors, and a beautiful Belarusian. Not to mention the possibility of jail time. Will they succeed? For Toris' sake, I sure hope so.

Max Bialystock-Feliks Lucasiewicz/Poland

Usherette #1-Mei/Taiwan

Usherette #2-Ling/Vietnam

Carpenter-Tai/Thailand

Violinist-Rodrich/Austria

Homeless person #1-Lilli/Liechtenstein

Homeless Person #2-Vash/Switzerland

I, HeroinOfDarkness, do NOT own Hetalia, The Producers, or ANYTHING.


It was a busy night at the Himaruya theatre where Feliks Lucasiewicz's brand spankin' new play 'Funny Boy' was opening. Refined men and women dressed to impress are crowding the grand theatre as two usherettes, both Asian and dressed in red uniforms, smile and try to take their minds off of the knots in their stomachs. As the final person enters the now crowded theatre, the shorter of the two employees goes up to the taller one in anticipation.

"I hope they like the show." said the short brunette with long hair.

"Don't worry Mei," Said the tall usherette, whose brown hair was tied in a tight ponytail. "Feliks is very talented. They'd be fools not to like it."

"Thanks Ling." Said Mei, "That's reassuring."

Ling smiles at her sister and walks into the theatre. "Come on, we've got two hours until the show ends, let's wait in the lobby."

After about two hours of waiting, the play finally finishes and the sisters step outside of the theatre to prepare for the crowd.

"Opening Night. Opening Night. It's opening night!"

The two usherettes, standing on opposite sides of the red carpet holding programs, begin to sing in unison.

"It's Feliks Lucasiewicz's latest show. Will it flop or will it go? The cast is taking their final bow. Here comes the audience now. The doors are opening, they're on their 's hear what they have to say."

A large crowd then rushes out of the theatre, bulldozing the brunettes out-of-the-way. 'Jerks', thought Ling as she helped Mei off of the ground. 'At least the crowd looks pleased. Maybe they liked it.' The crowd of people, who all had smiles on their faces, begins to talk about the play they've just watched among themselves.

"He's done it again. He's done it again. Feliks Lucasiewicz has done it again. We can't believe it. You can't conceive it. "

"How did he achieve it?" The women sang shrugging. "It's the worst show in town!"

Upon hearing this, Mei and Ling's hopeful smiles dropped. Confused, Mei decides to approach the group.

"Was it really that bad?" She asked

"We sat there sighing. Groaning and crying." The crowd replied, circling the young usherette. "There's no denying, it's the worst show in town!"

An Asian carpenter walks near the marquee and places down a ladder as some of the nicely dressed women start to put in their opinion.

"Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss... "

"...We've seen shit, but never like this!" sang the men, ripping their programs

"Felix Lucasiewicz has done it again!" sang the crowd in unison. "Oh, the book was rotten. The songs were stinkin'. What he did to Shakespeare, Booth did to Lincoln."

"We had this especially made up for Feliks Lucasiewicz." Said the carpenter, standing on top of his ladder next to the marque. He then pulls on the lever and "Opening Night" is switched to "Closing Night." the action gets the audience members laughing and a glare sent from Ling.

The audience members continue their song near a man hidden behind a newspaper. As the crowd start to hail cabs, they start to wrap up their songs.

"Oh, we couldn't leave faster. What a disaster. We are still in shock. Who produced this schlock? Why that fruity, snooty Feliks Lucasiewicz! What a bum!"

As the crowd leaves, the man puts down the newspaper, revealing his face. The man has straight, chin-length straw blonde hair and angry green eyes. He is wearing a dark blue suite with gold cuff-links with a black cape and what he called a "producer's hat." Who is this guy? He is Feliks Lucasiewicz, the guy the audience was just ripping on just now. The poor shmuck whose play was a total flop.

"Tai! You jerk!" yelled Ling as she threw a rock at the carpenter's head.

"What?" Tai yelled back, rubbing the bruise that was now forming on his head. "Its not my fault they didn't like the play! I was just trying to lighten the mood!"

"Still," replied Ling as she pinched the bridge of her nose in annoyance. "You don't have to twist the knife. Felix is already upset."

As her sister argues with her, erm, boyfriend, Mei goes up to Feliks in hopes to comfort her friend.

"Don't listen to them Feliks. Rich people are jerks!"

"I know," started Feliks, still visibly upset. "I used to be one of those rich jerks."

"Cheer up!" said Tai, walking over to the two with Ling. "Things always work out in the end."

Ling nods in agreement. "He's right you know. Even though this experience ended badly, it will lead you to a better one."

When Feliks still hadn't cheered up, the three Asians tried again.

"Why don't you come over for dinner?" started Mei. "We're having Thai."

Feliks, finally giving a small smile, just gives a curt nod. "Thanks, but, I just need to be alone for a while, Y'know, to figure things out."

"Well, you're always welcome to our home" Said Ling walking away with Mei and Tai. "Bye Feliks."

"Bye guys. Tell Yao thanks for letting me use the theatre."

As the Asians walked away, Feliks picks up a newspaper and begins to read about the reviews.

"By the end of 'Funny Boy', Feliks Lucasiewicz's hopeless musical production of 'Hamlet', everybody is dead. They were the lucky ones." Feliks then angrily crumples the newspaper and throws it on the ground. "And this was the best review we got!" He yells before slumping down to the ground, his arms and head lying on his knees.

'How could this have happened?' thought Feliks. 'Where did I go wrong? Like, Why God? Why?'

As Feliks wallows in self-pity, a formal looking man with neat brown hair holding a violin appears near the blonde. 'Might as well since I'm here' thought the man as he starts playing a sad tune on his violin. Feliks, with a hole in his heart, looks up into the sky and asks:

"Where did I go wrong? Like, tell me. Tell me, please! What the hell happened to me? Why, you're looking at the guy who..."

Feliks stops his singing and gives an expectant look to the violinist. "What?" Asked the man with a German-like accent. Feliks gives him another look, which the violinist finally gets. After adjusting the strings, the man plays a slightly more upbeat tune to which Felix resumes his song.

"I used to like, be the King. The King of Old Broadway." Feliks walks over to a nearby news stand and sits on top of a soapbox. "The best of everything was mine to have each day. Oh, I always had the like, biggest hits. The biggest bathrooms at the Ritz. My showgirls had like, the biggest tits. I never was the pits in any way."

As Feliks continued his song, a group of homeless people become entranced with his singing. A blonde girl, who was probably 13 or 14, walked up to Feliks.

"I believe you, thousands wouldn't" She sang. "I believe you, every word. I believe you, thousands couldn't. I believe each word I've heard."

Feliks looks at the young girl in surprise.

"I used to be the King." Sang Feliks.

"The King?" The homeless people questioned

"Yes," Replied Feliks. "The King of Old Broadway."

"Ja, it's good to be the King." The violinist admitted, with a fond smile.

"My praises, they would sing. A Ziegfeld, so they'd say. My shows were like, always filled with class. The best champagnes would fill my glass. My lap was like, filled with gorgeous ass." Sang Feliks as he grabs a guy with short blonde hair, and drops the youth on his lap, causing both the homeless people and the violinist to laugh. The young blonde, however, doesn't find this amusing and shoots a glare at Feliks, who doesn't notice.

"You couldn't call me crass in anyway."

As more people appear at his side, Feliks takes out a bottle of vodka from his pants, takes a sip and sticks the bottle into the young man's mouth. After taking in so much alcohol, the youth stumbles off of Feliks' lap and throws the now empty bottle on ground.

"We believe you, thousands wouldn't. We believe you, every word. We believe you, thousands couldn't. We believe each word we've heard."

'These guys get it. Like, why doesn't everybody else?' Thought Feliks, now walking around with a look of frustration.

"Oh, there was a time when I was young and gay...but bi." Feliks stated as-a-matter-of-factly, "There was a time when I was bold. There was a time when each and every play I touched..." Feliks, now angry takes a program from a nun while continuing to sing."...Would turn to gold." sang Feliks as he throws down the program with disgust.

"There was a time he wore the finest clothes." Sang the homeless crowd as they lifted up Feliks onto the news stand.

"I did!" Feliks sobbed.

"His shoes were always new." Sang the nuns, now a part of the crowd.

"Now, I wear a rented tux that's like, two weeks overdue!"

"Poor Feliks, what a schmoozer. Poor Feliks, what a shame." Sang the crowd of nuns and homeless people, dancing around the news stand. "Poor Feliks, what a loser. Poor Feliks, good-bye fame."

"Such reviews. How quickly they forget!" yelled Feliks. "I am Feliks Lucasiewicz, the first producer to like, ever do summer stock in the winter!"

"Once he was the king."

"Have you ever heard of 'Theatre in the Round?' Why, you're looking at the guy who invented 'Theatre in the Square.' Nobody had a good seat!"

"King of Old Broadway!"

"Why, I was even a protégé of the great theatrical genius, Boris Tomaschevski."

Upon hearing this, everybody, excluding the violinist, stopped what they were doing and huddled around Feliks, eager to hear more.

"Really?" asked the blonde young man from earlier, who looked especially interested.

"Yes, oh, yes." Feliks replied. "He taught me everything I know. And I remember one night, when he turned to me on his death-bed and he said 'Feliksella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jedentug a gentzen kachen!'"

The crowd gives Feliks a look of confusion. "Uh… what does that mean? asked one of the nuns.

"Who knows?" Felix replied shrugging. "I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he." The crowd shares a small chuckle before Feliks continues talking. "Yet, in my heart, I knew he was saying. He was saying 'When you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's time to stand up on your two feet and shout 'Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this stinkin' town?'"

"Yay!" shouted the nuns and hobos as they start to dance a traditional Jewish dance. Feliks joins in their dance with a smile on his face. As they dance the violinist climbs onto the theatre roof and starts to play a song that matches the dancing. Feliks, now totally cheered up, hops into a garbage can and is spun around by a couple of trash collectors who had just shown up.

"I like, used to be the king." Feliks sang "The king of old Broadway. Again I will be king. And like, be on top to stay."

"On top to stay, hey!" Sang the crowd of nuns and hobos, acting as back-up.

"There'll be gala opening nights again. You'll see my name in lights again. I'll go from dark to brights again. My spirits high as kites again. I'll never suffer slights again. I'll taste those sweet delights again. No plethora of plights again. No blossoming of blights again. No frantic fits or frights again. Fame is in my sights again. I'll take those fancy flights again. I'm gonna scare the heights again." 'I will be one top of the world again.' thought Feliks. 'That is a promise I intend to keep. No matter what.' "Felix will never drop. Feliks will never stop... Feliks will be on top again!"

Feliks then scurries over to a moving cab and jumps on top of the cab's roof. He didn't care that he would've probably broken his neck. Fame is in his sights again. He'll take those fancy flights again. He's gonna scale the heights again. He'll never stop. "I'll be on top again, hey!" Feliks declares to his crowd as the cab drives off into the distance.

"I hope things work out for him". Said the same young girl who had approached Feliks earlier. "Don't worry about him Lilli." Vash replied, putting a comforting hand on his little sister's shoulder. "Whatever happens, happens. Let's just worry about us for now." Lilli noticed her brother stealing a glance at the violinist, who was putting his violin in its case.

"Well this has certainly been interesting" said the violinist as he walked up to the blonde siblings. "Thanks for getting me to come play for the homeless." When her brother didn't respond, instead just avoiding eye contact with the brunette, Lilli decided to express their gratitude for him. "No, thank you Mr. Rodrich." Lilli said gratefully. "Everyone had fun! And your music even cheered up that one man!"

"Thank you." Rodrich said giving a smile. Upon seeing the brunette smile, Vash blushed. "Well, thanks for coming!" The older blonde said as he walked away in anger, dragging Lilli with him.

Confused, Rodrich just shrugs and makes his way home. As soon as the brunette was out of sight, Vash began to slow his pace. "Big brother, why don't you just tell him?" Lilli questioned. Vash just blushed harder. "Let's just hurry up and catch up with the others." The embarrassed blonde said, avoiding his sister's question. "We need to find somewhere to sleep. Tomorrow's Saturday, so the soup kitchen closes at eleven.

"Ok big brother" said the younger blonde, remembering their current circumstance, as they walked into the night.


Well here it is! AGAIN!

Seriously though...It took me FOREVER to get this chapter on! I can only write and post during school because I don't own a computer.

Is it bad? Please tell me if it is!

Also, the reason I picked Poland to be Max was because when I saw The Producers it reminded me of Lithuania's and Poland's friendship. Originally, Poland and Liet were gonna be Robert and Carmen, but that would have just been too predictable. Hopefully this works out!

No this will NOT be a LietPol. I do like the ship on occasion, but this story will not feature it.

Please review and tell me how I can improve!

HERO OUT! *Flies to Italy*