Magically Fluting: A Loving Laugh at a Great Masterpiece


Die Zauberflöte Demystified for the American Audience


Variations on an Opera by Mozart


What Happened After I Went, Huh? And All the Things I Came Up With…

Author's Note: As Die Zauberflöte's (The Magic Flute's [pronounced roughly like: Dee TsOWberFLIRTa]) fanbase is relatively small and potentially fragile, I feel compelled to begin by expressing my love and admiration of this opera. Die Zauberflöte is an ingenious blend of intelligence, depth, simplicity, humor, solemnity, and life, made rich with characters that draw you in and take you along on their adventures, and is filled with some of the greatest music from the greatest composer. It is one of my absolute favorites and it is perhaps only because I have listened to it a gazillion times that a parody emerged, eager to be brought to life in fanfiction. Therefore, let it be known: I DO NOT THINK THE MAGIC FLUTE IS A STUPID OPERA. I just wanted to tease it a little bit, the same way I might tease a good friend. So, without further ado, let the teasing begin…

P.S. Inspirational credit must be given here to Baroness Emma and The Lark for their Scarlet Pimpernel parodies (Lord Tony and the Princess Snide, and The Scarlet Pimpernel for Dummies). Their creative - and hilarious - endeavors were formative in giving me ideas for how I wanted this to look. I hope I haven't ripped them off.


By the proper and good regulations concerning poking fun, fun will be poked at everyone and everything available for said poking. If the reader seeking fun is dissatisfied with the content of these pages, said fun seeker may take advantage of available rights regarding the freedom to seek fun elsewhere.


Overture: The Orchestra Plays

Narrator: The stage is dark and the curtains are closed. Suddenly, beautiful music rises from the orchestra pit – the overture has begun. First strong, then quiet, quickly becoming playful and engaging. Words will not really do justice to Mozart's Overture to The Magic Flute, so I will leave it to the reader to go listen to it and then come back. Of special note ought to be the use of three blasts of three on the woodwinds and brass. This is Mozart being Masonic. Masons give great value to the number three. Why they do is not certain – at least they have never told me – but it is quite certain they like it very much and the reader should not be surprised if threes pop up all over the place in this opera – even where least expected.

Scene One: Tamino and the Three Ladies

Narrator: The really good overture is over and the curtain parts. There is thunder and lightning and overall terrible weather. A man is running around on the stage being chased by a huge snake. This is Prince Tamino. (The man, not the snake.)

Prince Tamino Character Synopsis

Tamino is a prince of some undisclosed kingdom and, like all proper princes, is impossibly handsome and entirely moral, always seeking quests of adventure and morals – hoping that eventually one of the quests will turn out to be the "Find Your Future Queen Quest" (Also known as the "FYFQQ") that all princes are obligated to make at some point in their lives. This quest is a pretty big deal to princes and Tamino was no different. However, this is not the quest that Tamino is on right now (although he wished it was).

Tamino: (Starts singing in German as he runs around the stage trying to escape the serpent trying to eat him). Loose translation of German singing: "Omigosh, help! Help me! Aaaaa! There's a freakin' big snake trying to eat me! If no one helps me then I'm gonna die! Oh no it's getting closer!" (Falls over and faints).

Narrator: (Shifts awkwardly in chair). Yes… well, um…. (Rubs chin thoughtfully and takes in a deep breath before proceeding). One really shouldn't be too hard on Tamino at this point. He has been running for some time, and even though princes are supposed to be equipped to deal with these sorts of emergencies, Tamino was unprepared because he was looking to commence an FYFQQ, not fight an evil serpent. So fainting is, well, understandable. Now is the time to enter The Three Ladies.

The Three Ladies: (Leaping onto the stage and running toward the snake): Ta-da! We'll save the day!

The Three Ladies' Character Synopsis

Magical and mysterious, the three ladies are veiled women who serve the Queen of the Night. This is all we know, because, well, they wouldn't be mysterious if we did.

The Three Feminists in the Audience: (Leaping out of their seats and booing). This opera was written by Chauvinistic pigs! The females have been reduced to nameless nonentities!

Narrator: Not so fast. There will be time for that sort of thing later, but in this instance you are grossly mistaken. Three nameless boys will also feature prominently in this opera, so PLEASE sit back down!

Three Feminists in Audience: (Grumble and resume their seats). Hey, wait a minute…did we just get our names replaced with the epithet, "The Three Feminists?!"…

Narrator: Deal with it. Anyways, ladies, you may continue.

Three Ladies: Yay. Okay so, abracadabra!

Snake dies.

The Three Ladies: (Perform a happy dance) Woohoo! We're awesome! Oh yeah! Girl power! (Suddenly notice Tamino).

First Lady: Wow, a man!

Second Lady: Isn't he cute?

Third Lady: He's dreamy…

All Three: (Begin to wish the others would take the hint to leave them alone with their newfound prize).

First Lady: You both go ahead and tell the Queen of our discovery, I'll protect him while you're gone.

Second Lady: Oh no you don't! I'll stay with him and you two can go tell the Queen.

Third Lady: Nah, you've all got it wrong sistahs, I'm the one takin' care of this man!

First Lady: Oh yeah?

Third Lady: Yeah!

Second Lady: That's what you think!

All Three: (Glare fiercely at each other for a few moments before shrieking and seizing the others' hair, disintegrating into a cat-fight that lasts several minutes).

First Lady: Ouch! I broke a nail!

Second lady: That was my new dress!

Third Lady: And I just got my hair done!

Tamino: (Remains blissfully unconscious as the hair, clothing, nails, and insults fly all around him).

The Three Ladies: (Begin to come to the realization that the other two won't leave).

First Lady: Drat Masons and their threesomes…

Third Lady: Yeah, ain't dat da truth…

Second Lady: Too bad there weren't three princes. Guess we'll all have to leave…

All Three: Goodbye gorgeous man!

First Lady: Goodbye!

Second Lady: Goodbye!

Third Lady: (Throws herself over Tamino's prostrate form and cries). Goodbye! Oh, goodbye!

Second and First Lady: (Drag Third Lady off the stage so Tamino is now alone with the dead snake).