Epilogue: After the Curtain Falls
Parody Writer: Well, we all want to know what happened afterward, right?
Narrator: Uhhh… Something tells me it has nothing to do with Mozart or Schikaneder, does it? Should I leave now?
Parody Writer: (Ignoring Narrator's lack of enthusiasm) Well first off, there are the main characters…
Tamino and Pamina
Yes, they figured out how to start up and drive off in Tamino's shiny new convertible and spent the summer touring Europe on a grand Honeymoon. This was greatly to Sarastro's chagrin but he consoled himself with the thought that Tamino was gathering knowledge in foreign lands that would benefit him later in his reign.
Narrator: Hold up a minute – considering how this car got introduced into the opera anachronistically, didn't they ever run out of gasoline due to the lack of gas stations?
Parody Writer: Well… now that you mention it…
Further Adventures of Tamino and Pamina
As it turns out, the golden medallion had somehow picked up on the powers of Sarastro's time machine experiments and had converted into a time warp inducer, so Tamino could periodically go to the future to refill. This ALSO means…
The Queen of the Night and her Cohorts
Yep. She did not die, in fact, neither did Monostatos and the Three Ladies. They were all transported to the 21st century USA where they quickly enjoyed all the politically correct rights due to them.
Monostatos joined a Divorce Law practice and quickly earned the reputation of being one of the most seedy, underhanded lawyers ever guaranteed to win your case, get you custody of the kids, and get your wife to pay you child support while she tries to re-enter the workforce after being a stay-at-home mom for over 15 years. He also has begun to accumulate quite the collection of restraining orders against him from his creeped out secretaries…
The Three Ladies ended up abandoning the law in favor of opening their own women's defense studio "The Snake Slayer". They are doing well in this venture, and their advertising tag: "When your prince faints, someone's gotta save him! Learn defensive and combative techniques all while conquering your deepest fears and burning calories!" brings in hopeful recruits by the droves.
The Queen of the Night didn't fare so poorly either. She quickly discovered the internet and created her own online dating website which was widely popular and made her a multi-millionaire. With this money she got herself elected to Congress and is now looking to campaign for the presidency.
Papageno and Papagena
Well, the two lovebirds have had five children already and are expecting their sixth – Papageno is hoping for a boy as the Papagenas are outnumbering the Papagenos four to three. They live a simple life in their treehouse and are quite happy. Finances were a problem at first, though. Papageno attempted to continue making his living at catching birds but due to losing his primary customer to the time warp, collaborated instead with Tamino to write a self-help book titled:
The Golden Lock
Communicating in Your Relationship, When to Tell Her You Love Her and When to Zip the Lip!
The book is immensely popular, and the royalties from this have been quite sufficient to keep Papageno's ever growing family well fed and cared for.
After successfully being re-elected as High Priest of the Temple, Sarastro was seized with a sudden onset of mid-life crisis which prompted him to, among other things, buy a flashy newer chariot model capable of being pulled by more lions at greater speeds, wear clothes that probably would have looked weird even on Tamino, and even consider seeking female attention. All of this disturbed him greatly – perhaps the last fact more so than all the others combined – and he quickly began intensive psychotherapy with the Three Boys. This was to uncover many things.
First off, it was determined that Sarastro had secretly hoped the Queen of the Night would apologize to him for not worshiping him the way he thought she should instead of going through with the divorce he had initiated to demonstrate his power and control. Now that he could no longer control her, the Three Wise Boys pointed out that Sarastro would likely now turn to controlling Tamino, and that fear of the younger and handsomer man was also prompting Sarastro to insecurity and behavior not fitting for his age. If he were to pursue this, however, Sarastro could likely lose the few remaining relationships he had left in his daughter and son-in-law and be left to live out the remainder of his days alone and unloved. Seeking to help Sarastro prevent this, the Three Boys delved deeper. Ultimately, the main search into Sarastro's psyche began to focus on his obsession with his Temple and the order of the Priests that he had so painstakingly formed. In a brilliant moment of psychoanalytical genius, the Three Boys uncovered that Sarastro had created the Temple as a replacement for the family he wished he could have had. That Sarastro's childhood had been one of chaos, lies, and destruction, and that the young fellow had grown up helpless and unloved by parents who were always fighting. Therefore he had felt the need as an adult to create a perfect world of Wisdom, Truth, and Nature in which he could have perfect control. Hence the Temple. And it could only be a perfect family if it was based off the number three. Three. Three? Why was the number three so important?
That's when Sarastro remembered, as he reclined on the therapists couch, a very distant memory from his earliest childhood consciousness. There were three. Perfect unity and perfect happiness. Sarastro had been born as one of a set of triplets, but his two brothers had died in their early childhood and Sarastro had been left to need the number three for the rest of his life.
Narrator: Dude. That's way deep.
Parody Writer: They are currently trying to uncover the reason for his irrational distrust of women, but that could take some time…
Narrator: And possibly be too Freudian for me to really want to know… Well then – Show's over everyone! May I direct your attention to the official complaint box located to the side of the left corridor behind the auditorium if you feel the need to dispose yourself of such expressions!
All the Politically Correct Threesomes: We-ell….. I mean…. (look uncertainly at each other) I guess it WAS Mozart. And I mean… you really can't fault a musical GENIUS. So… I guess… in the name of art…
Narrator: (Smiling smugly) That's what I thought.