Lissa thinks that it was her fault. That if she wouldn't have gone off with that Christian boy than none of this would have happened. She blames herself.
She was the one that convinced me to tag along. If we had gone to any other bar, I would like to say that this would have never happened, but I knew that that wasn't true. He still would have found me.
Being back in this life is strange. It has been so long since I have been here, in my own home. It's bizarre and normal at the same time. I'm used to it and not used to it. It's relaxing and frightening.
If wasn't her fault. If anything, if not completely his, then it was mine.
What had we even been doing there? Two eighteen year olds. With fake ids. Thinking it was a good idea to get into a bar and get drunk.
A good idea. What was not a good idea was trusting him. How could I have been so naïve to fall for it? And how could he have been so evil?
Lissa barely even talks to me now because of him. She thinks that after what he did, I was broken. But I was broken. I lost things that I will never get back. My virginity. My innocence. My life. My friends. My family. All because of him.
The nightmares are the worst. I never sleep. I'm always waking up, mere hours after falling asleep, by nightmares that leave me screaming for help that never comes. Except when it does come, I realize that it was only a dream. But then I remember why I had that dream in the first place.
If I could erase my memories of him, I would. The sight of his face in my mind makes me want to puke. The feel of his hands on my body still sting, as if he was really here in front of me.
And I hate it.
I hate him.
She is my only redemption. The only good thing right now, besides Lissa. She understands. She is my hero, my savior. I thank God for every day that I get to spend with her. Without her, I'd be lost in a sea of emotion and I would never find my way back. She is my life raft, my buoy holding me up while he was the anchor dragging me down.
Never again. I promise myself. Never again will I allow myself to be taken.