If I Loved You

Disclaimer: Spooks is owned by Kudos and the BBC. "If I Loved You" is a song performed by Delta Rae and is included on their album Carry the Fire.

A/N: I've been hearing "If I Loved You" by Delta Rae for several months and haven't been able to get it out of my head. It thankfully doesn't apply to me personally but I was trying to figure out why it kept speaking to me. Finally I realized it was a great song for Ruth and George. It's a sad but honest song and I wish this was how their relationship played out.

19 August 2009

I don't keep a journal but tonight I felt the need to get my thoughts on paper, or on the screen as the case may be. I think my fingers are still able to keep up with my brain so I can get these thoughts out of my head and someplace abstract where I can review and analyse them. Thankfully I have the skills to ensure that this document stays hidden on the computer. Whatever ends up on the screen must be for my eyes only.

George and I fought again earlier tonight. He's a passionate man but he doesn't yell when we fight. Probably a good thing since Nico isn't a heavy sleeper. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he yelled but it wouldn't change the words.

George wants to get married, pure and simple. I wish I could say yes. I wish life was that easy and I could say yes. If not for what I left behind in London, I think I could say yes. If not for what happened in London, I'd have no reason to be scared of anything. I wouldn't be spending my life looking over my shoulder, even here. George would be there for me and I know in my heart that his love wouldn't waver.

But I can't tell him about London. My signature on the OSA aside, I don't believe that George can understand the magnitude of what happened to make me leave home. That the real reason I don't love him like I want to is because that love is reserved for another. It's reserved for the man that I sacrificed everything to save.

But here I am, living with this man that I wish I could love. I wish I could love him like he loves me; like he deserves to be loved. He's an early riser and I know he watches me in the morning. It unnerved me at first though I've gotten used to it.

When we climb into bed at night and talk about our day, he watches me. I see him searching my face for any sign of love. I do care for him and it hurts me to know that he doesn't find what he's looking for. He was one of my first friends when I arrived here, and a year later when he asked me to move in with him and Nico, I hesitated. It was a big step and a part of me was still hoping that there would be a phone call or visitor telling me it was safe to come home. But when I analysed the situation and realised I was fooling myself, I did something so unlike myself and said yes to George. I cared for him, he made me feel safe, and I was certain that in time I would love him. Maybe not with the same depth I felt for Him, but I would love George enough to be content and happy and safe.

I told myself that being with George would be a comfortable life. He's a doctor at the local hospital and has a nice home in the hills outside of town. One night after a discussion about books and gardening and swimming, George suggested I quit my job and pursue those interests. Nico is a voracious reader and George wanted him to learn more about the Classics than was being taught to him in school. After mentioning that I'd like to grow some vegetables, George told me about a garden near his house that he once tried to plant. And then there was the pool. I'd never liked sport but swimming was something I enjoyed as a child and it was so nice to have the opportunity to do so again. Why wouldn't I jump at the chance to spend my days with the Classics I loved, the garden I'd wanted to try, and the swimming I found I missed.

I threw myself into making a good home for George and Nico, convincing myself that seeing them happy as a result of things I did for them would help me to fall in love with them. I told myself that once I fell in love with George we could start having kids. Why wouldn't we? George is wonderful with them; Nico, his many nieces and nephews, and the children he sees in his practice. Having a baby was always one of those someday things in the back of my mind, but once I'd started working in London and came to love my job, I knew that it was incompatible with being a mother. I always felt like I was doing something important in the world and so I made peace with the idea of not being a mother. After I left London and settled here, I started to wonder if having a baby might once again be a possibility. I have to admit, I've thought about what our children would look like and I know they would be beautiful. They'd have dark hair of course and would get their height from their father and hopefully one of them would have my eyes. I think George and I are well matched to be parents.

That's why it's so hard to admit that I don't love him. I care about him, I care for him, but I've felt love before and this isn't even close. George deserves a woman who can return the love he gives. I see it in his eyes after he's kissed me, that he knows in his heart that I don't love him. And instead of getting easier, as I thought it would, its getting harder.

Despite my past, I do wish that I loved George. That I could unburden my soul to him and have that danger removed from my life so I could live happily with him ever after. And if I'd never lived in London, had never fallen in love with Him, then I think I would feel love for George. Certainly I considered leaving my work in London many times, but something, or should I say someone, always drew me back in, even though He never knew that was the reason.

If I'd never loved Him, I believe that George would make me happy; that I would have put all my efforts into making him the center of my world. I'd have said yes the second he proposed and our lovemaking would be the celebration of that love.

Now that I've written it in black and white, I know that it's true. I don't love George, certainly not like he deserves to be loved. It's a lie for me to stay here with him; to let him believe that despite what he reads in my face there may be hope for us. I need to leave so he can find a woman who will give him what he deserves; give him the love and the life that will make him happy, because I'm not that woman.

I dread having to tell him this, having to end this relationship, but it needs to be done. I'm going to cry because I know this will hurt him and I hate that. He doesn't deserve the pain but living this lie can't continue. Tomorrow I will email London and find out where things stand. If I can't return home, then I will start the hunt for a new country in which to settle. I know that I can't stay here.