The Edder Scrolls: Skyrim
By Lord Primeval
This is just something messed up I thought up and wanted to share. Keep in mind: due to the nature of the game having multiple outcomes and to accommodate the characters involved into this universe, there may be slight changes to the main story. But I promise to keep as true to both franchises as humanly possible. Nothing here is our !
QUEST 1: UNBOUND
The wagon trotted along the rocky soil, shaking the prisoners held within. The guards kept quite a close eye on them as they made their way to the Village of Helgen. The prisoners were mostly of Nord lineage, but there was a group of three sleeping youngsters that was a bit more colorful.
There was a Breton wearing a black wizards hood with a gap in his teeth. His name was Edward. The second, the tallest, was an Altmer. He had large eyes for his kindred and a near shaved head. His name was Ed. And finally, the shortest, was Eddy. Eddy was an Imperial, with only three long hairs on top of his head. His skin was pinkish, possibly hinting a small bit of Redguard lineage.
The three Ed boys started to wake as the wagon stumbled onto some rocks. The first to wake was Edward, whom his friends referred to as Double D. He wasn't exactly happy. He shook Eddy with his tied hands to ensure he would wake up to see their situation.
"What," said Eddy, "is it time for breakfast yet?"
"It may be," said Double D, "but if this predicament is as dire as I fear, it may end up being our last meal!"
"You mean," Eddy said, the scenery setting in, "We've been done in? Up the river?"
"Without a paddle I'm afraid." Groaned Double D.
This was a bit much for Eddy. All of those scams this group had committed in various provinces, he never once thought he would get caught.
"This is all YOUR FAULT!" he yelled at Double D. "My fault?!" Double D replied. "Yeah," he continued, "if your stupid little trinkets worked in the first place, we'd be swimming in the gold on our way to Hammerfell by now!"
"Eddy!" the young Breton started up, "I told you at least forty times they weren't waterproof yet! If you just let me have the time to learn that spell, we never would have upset those Orcs and landed us in Imperialist incarceration!"
"Quiet back there!" a guard up front shouted, "or we'll have to gag you like we did Ulfric!" At that point, a Nord prisoner spoke up. "That's Ulfric Storm cloak, the true High King! Even you should show respect, imperialist bastard!"
Both boys looked to the dark-hair man with the sash over his mouth. It was indeed the head of the Storm cloaks, a group of rebels whose deeds were so horrendous that their exploits were known from here to Tamriel.
"Oh dear," Double D said, "It looks like we've been misidentified as cohorts in a terrorist operation! Oh we're off to Sovngaurd for sure Eddy!"
"Be QUIET I said!" the Guard yelled, "I'm starting to like your Altmer friend a lot more right now!"
That had reminded the two that Ed hadn't woken up yet. That elf could sleep through a Troll attack! The two boys bumped their shoulders on Ed, which appeared to wake him up.
"Butter Toast!" the elf happily cried out. He took a quick look around, not truly realizing what was happening. "Oh boy!" he yelled, "carriage ride!"
"No Lumpy," said Eddy sarcastically, grabbing hold of the elf's face, "We're off to get a haircut and our toes painted. We've been arrested mono-brow!"
Ed stared into space for a good six seconds before commenting, "Violet please! It brings out my eyes." Double D couldn't help but giggle at Ed's lovable cluelessness.
They had passed the main gate to Helgen, the passengers becoming even more nervous. One even prayed to the divines. Every citizen in the village went back inside their homes, completely aware of what the carriages meant. The carts stopped near the center of the village, were the guards greeted two soldiers: an armor-clad Nordic man, and a well-armored Redguard woman.
Surrounding them was a handful of archers and soldiers. "Line them up!" shouted the Redgaurd. "NO!" the Nord who prayed earlier began to yell, "You have to listen to me, we're not rebels! Tell them it's a mistake!" "Well," said the Bearded Nord, "Best not keep the Gods waiting." This didn't help Eddy or Double D one bit as they lined up. They shook nervously as Ed stood there, repeating the same words over and over: "Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs…"
They started by asking each prisoner for their name, then moving them aside. "Let's make a break for it." Eddy whispered. "Eddy! You can't be serious." Double D sneered. "Do you want to see the lord of the dead?" Eddy replied, "Now here's what I'm thinking: you use your magic-know-how to distract the guards, while Ed throws us over the-"
"YOU MADE A MISTAKE!" the nervous Nord from earlier replied, "WE'RE NOT REBELS!" He began to run like the world was about to end. "HALT!" shouted the Redguard. "ARCHERS!" Upon her command, every archer nearby shot arrows rapid fire at the escaping prisoner, killing him in a solid second.
The boys stood staring in horror. "Anyone else feel like running?" she said looking at the rest of the prisoners. If you knew her better, you would assume she was smiling at this. "Wait," the male soldier said, "you three! Come forward." The Ed Boys walked up to the soldier, terrified at what was going to happen next.
The Nord looked at them, puzzled. "Who are you?" he asked. The three boys looked at each other, not sure what to do.
Eddy spoke up. "I'm the main event, Eddy! And this is the Mage with the brains-Double D! And finally, the Altmer with the brain of a walnut, Big Ed!" Ed remembered this bit from back in Cyrodil. He flipped up Double D and balanced him on his head. Meanwhile, Eddy leapt onto Ed's bundle that was his tied hands, balancing on his own nose. "And together," Eddy continued, "We are- The Amazing FLYING EDWARDO BROTHERS!" "HUP! HUP!" they said in unison.
The soldiers didn't know what to make of what they just saw. "Rrrriiiiiight." Said the male soldier, looking at his list to avoid awkward conversation. He looked to the Redguard woman next to him and acted as though nothing happened.
"Captain," he said, "What should we do? They're not on the list." "Forget the list," she answered in her stern voice, "They go to the block." The jaws of all three Eds fell.
"By your orders captain." Said the male soldier obediently. He looked to the boys with a more concerned look and said, "I'm sorry boys, at least you'll die together alongside brothers."
"What a comforting thought." Said Double D nervously as they were moved toward the execution block by soldiers. They were lined up as a priest was reciting the prayer of last rite, only to be silenced by one of the soldiers.
The boys were too frightened to pay attention, but the general was speaking to Ulfric. "Now the empire is going to cut you down," he said, "and restore the peace!"
Just then, a roar could be heard from the distance. "Nope. Lost me there fella." Said Ed. "What are you on about lumpy?" asked Eddy.
As they spoke, a prisoner was beheaded before their eyes. This caused Double D to pass out. "Next!" shouted the Captain, "The High Elf!" This, of course, meant Ed was next for the execution.
After his call up, the roar could be heard again. "Naughty, naughty!" said Ed, smiling his usual grin, "I've never heard such language." "Who are you talking to?!" said Eddy, staring to become confused.
"I said NEXT PRISONER!" the captain shouted again.
"To the block now prisoner," said the male soldier from earlier, "nice and easy." Ed walked up to the chopping block.
The soldiers laid his head down.
"I knew him well." Said Eddy grimly.
"Don't take my head!" Ed shouted as the executioner raised his axe, "Don't take my head!"
"Look!" a soldier shouted. "What is it soldier?" asked the captain, "What do you see?"
Then everyone saw it, the beast that had caused the commotion. It landed on the tower like a bolt of lightning. A dragon. The hulking beast let out a sonic blast from its maw, decimating walls nearby. The soldiers gathered to attempt killing the beast, but they were all blasted away by the powerful shouts of the reptilian monster.
"Come on Ed!" Eddy yelled, grabbing hold of Ed's rags, "Now's our chance!" Once Ed was propped up, Eddy began to flee to one of the undamaged buildings.
Ed looked around franticly to find Double D. He found him three seconds later, slowly regaining consciousness. "What in the Gods names?" he said as he came to.
"Think Kitten Double D!" shouted Ed. He took hold of the back of Double D's collar with his teeth. Ed then started to bolt in Eddy's direction.
"Wait!" said Double D, holding his hood, "What's happening here Ed?"
"Meow!" said Ed as he ran.
They managed to meet inside the tower Eddy discovered, escaping the Chaos outside.
"WE'RE ALIVE!" Ed happily cried out.
He then started rubbing his head on Double D's face. "Purr like a kitten, purr like a kitten, purr like a kitten…"
"I'm happy too Ed," said Double D, "But could someone please fill the gaps in for me? Why is this village in such a state of peril?"
"Who cares?" said Eddy, "Thanks to that Dragon, we're able to get our tails outta here."
"A dragon?" said Double D, Ed still expressing his happiness, "Please. Dragons are extinct in this environment. They haven't lived in Skyrim since ancient times."
"Yeah, yeah," said Eddy disinterested, "Thanks for the lesson Mr. History scroll. Now make yourself useful and magic these binds off!"
"Sorry Eddy," Double D replied, "but my hands are tied-literally. I can't cast spells with my hands tied up like this."
"Well why not?" Eddy asked. Just as Double D was about to answer, the Dragon used its head like a battering ram to shatter the wall behind them.
"RUN AWAY!" the three shouted as they bolted out of the tower, avoiding the torrent of fire from the Dragon's mouth. The boys high-tailed it to the side of a crumbling building, which the beast followed. As it was about to blast another shout, the Imperial soldiers began to fire their arrows, allowing the boys to escape.
"Boys!" A familiar voice shouted, "Over here!" They turned around to see the Nord soldier from earlier, the one who was apologetic about their execution. He called from the doorway of Helgen Keep. Double D and Ed started for the entrance, but were interrupted by Eddy.
"What?! Why should we trust him? He almost had us killed, remember?" Eddy shouted.
"It's either him or the Dragon Eddy," said Double D, "Your choice."
"I choose Bulbasaur Double D!" Ed shouted as he scooped up Eddy with his still-tied wrists. The three of them made it to the inside of the Keep, slamming the door behind them.
"There's no escape!" Double D said, "That behemoth will surely sniff us out for sure and tear this establishment to shreds! It's like blocking a fireball with a papyrus scroll!"
"Not necessarily." The soldier replied, "There's an emergency exit to the outskirts of the town inside here. But we'll have to move quickly. Come here, I'll see if I can get those binds off." The soldier used his blade to strip them of their ropes. Double D flicked his wrists and activated his fire spell, getting the feeling back in his wrists.
Suddenly, a noise could be heard.
"Storm cloaks!" The soldier said, "They must be here for Ulfirc, their leader. Stand by the gate, we'll have to fight them off."
"Fight?" said a very reluctant Double D.
"The other entrance is locked, so yes. Looks like Sovrnguard will get some new residents tonight." He said.
"Can this day get any worse?" Eddy whined.
"Yes it can!" shouted Ed. Apparently, the Storm cloaks on the other side of the gate heard that and charged in.
Eddy clamped his hands tightly onto Ed's head. "You and your big mouth!" shouted Eddy.
The soldier launched the first attack, swinging his blade. He was outnumbered as the Eds stood there, too terrified to help out. Ed, on the other hand, could never let an ally down.
"ATTACK EDDY! ATTACK!" he shouted, lifting Eddy up. He tossed Eddy with all his might, knocking the Storm Cloaks unconscious.
"Thanks friend." The soldier said, placing his sword back into its sheath.
"Yeah," said Eddy, "thanks a lot!"
"You bet your horse Debbie!" said Ed.
"Please," the soldier said, "Call me Hadvar."
The small troop left before their Storm cloak enemies came to. As they walked down some stairs, they found the supply room.
"You boys should find supplies down here," Hadvar said, "Take as much as you can, we may need any it."
As the boys scavenged, they found a bounty of supplies from chests, shelves, and weapons racks.
Ed found a small helmet, studded armor, an iron sword, and leather boots.
Eddy found Leather armor, wrist guards, 6 gold, and two iron daggers.
Double D appalled weaponry, so he decided to grab a few potions and books lying around instead.
"There's something I still don't get," Double D asked himself, "How can there be Dragons in Skyrim?"
"Obviously you're not from around here," said Hadvar, "but in Skyrim, our children are told of the coming of the dragons. They are the great sign, the harvengers of the End Times."
As they spoke, Double D looked over the supplies they gathered. One of the books they found caught his attention.
"The Dragonborn?" he asked, reading the cover.
"It is a legend," said Hadvar, "That in our hour of need, the last Dragonborn will arise."
"Well, legends are all well and good," said Eddy, "But are we forgetting the fact that there's a GIGANTIC MONSTER ON THE LOOSE?!" His shout caused everyone's ears to ring.
Ed stood there and answered: "I don't even remember what we are doing Eddy!"
Hadvar sighed, "He does have a point. We should get moving before the whole place gets torn apart. Follow me."
As they left the store room, the doorway collapsed due to a great tremor (no doubt from the great dragon outside), meaning there was no backtracking that could be done.
They kept moving. As they went along, the tunnels turned more like caves, untampered or spoiled by human hands.
They went along another corridor, revealing their path to have yet another hazard: More Storm Cloaks.
"If only we had a bow," Said Hadvar, "we could eliminate them before they see us."
Double D then got an idea; he activated his Fire Spell again, gazing ever so intensely at the ceiling.
He then fired the spell at the roots that hung from above their enemies' heads. As the roots burned away, a torrent of loose rocks were now free to drop onto their opponents, killing them all.
"Magic level up Double D!" said Ed.
"Wow," said a very shocked Eddy, "never thought you had it in you."
"Simple Eddy," Double D explained, "due to the integrity of the rock structure in a cavernous environment, the Ignatius rock was bound to-"
"Don't ruin it Breton!" Eddy said.
Double D dropped his head in defeat.
"You three have some impressive skills," Hadvar said in admiration, "the Empire could use more men like you."
"Sorry," said Double D, "But we don't really get involved with politics."
They continued onward, making their way to another cavernous area.
This place however, was covered in thousands of spider webs.
"Magnificent!" Double D said excitedly, "These webs silk content is super dexterous! The designs are so intricate, they remind me of the web of a-"
As if on cue, six giant spiders came crawling down from the cave ceiling.
"-Frostbite spiders." Double D continued gloomily.
Hadvar went hack-and-slash at one of the larger ones, able to slice three of its legs off.
Ed grabbed hold of one of them by the leg and used it as a weapon to bash two of them heading in his direction.
Double D burned two of them to a crisp with his Fire spell, and then apologized to his hapless victims.
Eddy tried to run as quickly as he could from a smaller one, only to have another rush in from the other side.
He ducked, causing the two to ram into each other.
Ed was continuingly bashing spiders with one of their own kind. He managed to save Hadvar from his opponent.
"I AM ED; EATER OF POTATOES!" Ed shouted like a barbarian as he went.
"Uh, Ed?" said Double D.
"ARROOOOUUUGAAA!" Ed shouted, still blindly bashing away.
"ED!" Eddy shouted.
Ed then paused, noticing the spiders around him mashed to a fine pulp, including the one he was using to beat them with. Hadvar glared at him, covered in spider guts.
"Ooh," the High Elf said, "Spider gravy!"
"It's a shame too." Said Double D. "They were fine specimens."
"Hey!" Eddy shouted, rather close to Double D's ear. "There's a way out!"
"Good eyes my friend," Hadvar said, rubbing his ears, "Only one more chamber till the exit."
The entrance was covered in webs, like the rest of the chamber.
A swing of Ed's sword solved the problem as they journeyed onward through the caverns.
This chamber seemed to be brighter than the others.
This was a sign that they were just a few steps away from freedom.
They saw the entrance, filling them with joy. "Freedom at last!" Double D sighed.
"WE"RE HOME FREE BOYS!" Eddy happily cried out.
The four could hear a loud growl echo through the cave.
On the bank of the small river inside the cave, a large mass of fur shifted. It reared itself up, revealing it to be a very large bear.
"I guess finesse isn't one of your strong suits, is it Imperial?" said Hadvar angrily.
The bear charged, heading towards them with great speed.
This would have been no problem earlier, but the last fight drained them of Mana and stamina.
Double D couldn't use magic and the others were too tired to lift a weapon.
Ed, not willing to let his friends die, picked up the entire crew and headed for the exit.
"RUN ED!" Eddy shouted.
"It's no use!" Hadvar said, "She's still going to catch up!"
Hadvar had a good point, the beast was getting closer, allowing the gang to get a good look at her massive jaws.
Eddy then thought up a plan; he grabbed the two daggers he picked up earlier and tossed them. They landed in the right place, causing the massive beast to trip over them. This bought them a few more seconds.
Ed took them to the exit, just as the Bear got back on her feet. She charged once more. Ed jammed his sword into the top of the cave exit just as the others passed through.
He pushed hard on the blade, causing the entrance to collapse, sealing the bear inside.
"Good show Ed!" Double D said. Just then, another roar could be heard, a Dragon's roar.
"GET DOWN!" Hadvar yelled. The four escapees hid behind a tree and a few large rocks.
In the air above them, they saw the same Dragon from Helgen fly off into the distance, disappearing in the scenery.
"Well glad that's over." gasped Eddy, "Oh well, back to business! New place, new-"
"Um, Eddy." Double D said, rather gloomily.
The three Ed boys remembered the fact that an Imperialist soldier was standing there the whole time. And with the fact that they were escaped criminals, it was a little obvious of what their fate was.
"You boys work well together." Hadvar said. "I suppose you'll do even better once we part ways."
"You're not going to have us beheaded again?" Double D asked.
"If it were up to me," Hadvar smiled, "I'd say you've all earned your freedom."
"Ed is happy once more!" Ed shouted, hugging Hadvar as hard as he could. The soldier forced himself free, rubbing his sore arms.
"Now, I'd suggest we part ways. Good bye Flying Edwardo Brothers, and good luck." He said as he walked off.
The three Eds waved as he left. "Now then," Eddy said with a smile on his face, "Time to fleece these lambs."
"Eddy!" said Double D, "We just went through a Dragon attack, Storm Cloaks, Giant Spiders, and a hulking Bear! And the first thing on your mind is more misshaped hijinks?"
"Eddy is the man with the plan Double D!" said Ed.
"Well I protest!" said Double D. "I've had enough for one day thank you!"
"Ok fine," said Eddy, "We'll scam 'em tomorrow. First town we find is as good as ours."
"High ho over yonder!" shouted Ed. The boys walked off, heading in the direction pointed to them by a convenient signpost. They were off to Riverwood.
Sorry for the first chapter being so long, the first quest does take a while. Will there be danger ahead? Will the Eds get out Scott free? Will there be any more classic characters? Find out next time!