Drowned

The cold, clear lake runs along by my side like a loyal puppy. I catch glimpses of the water through the trees, a child playing hide and seek.

It's cold for April and I zip my navy hoodie up to my throat.

I glance over at him. His eyes are closed and his breathing shallow.

I lace my fingers with his and give them a reassuring squeeze. His eyes flutter open and we exchange anxious grins.

"You ok?" BEN asks, taking a deep breath.

If I'm honest, I'm as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot. This is the first time he's brought me here, first time he's brought anyone here.

The last time I was here, I drowned.

I swallow my nerves and nod.

We walk through the woods like the ground will swallow us at any moment.

The further in we get, the trees seem to stretch taller and higher, swamping us in their monstrous shadows.

BEN leads me down the thin winding path that lead me to my death last year. His grip on my hand is near-suffocating, and I can tell he's trying to keep his fears locked inside her head.

The water rushes over the rocks, the deepest part of the water calling to me, laughing, inviting me to repeat my death.

I shudder and wobble along those ten steps to the water's edge.

BEN tightens his grip on me, like I'll fall in if he lets go.

His skin is so pale it's almost grey and he's shaking all over the place, but he steadys himself enough to extend his right hand over the undulating silver river, and drops a single smooth, grey pebble into the water.

It sinks under the waves to join the eleven others he's dropped into the depths of that river, marking twelve years since he died here.

I trace circles on the back of his hand with my thumb.

He gives me a weak smile and we walk back to civilisation hand in hand, him leaving his demons here until next year.

How lucky he is.

I will be back here in October, with him or without him, I don't know, but no one should envy me.