9SuperSailorCharon: So I was loosely inspired by the Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic "Not Another Plot Line" by MissDomaYuset and thought it'd be funny to write a story where Germany encounters all the annoying quirks that happen in Hetalia fanfiction. At first I thought about doing a "My Immortal"-esque story, but this seemed like a better idea. Hopefully I don't offend anyone whose fanfics use elements from this story. I don't own Hetalia. Enjoy!
It was a peaceful day at Germany's house. Germany was going to just stay home and bake cakes and maybe do some cleaning. Suddenly, the doorbell rang just as Germany was about to grab a bowl from the cupboard to mix the cake batter in.
Germany wasn't expecting any visitors on a day like this. Maybe it was Italy. Instead, Germany opened the door to find a woman standing there with rainbow eyes and sparkly, long silver hair. She was dressed like some kind of snow queen.
"I'm Antarctica!" The woman greeted. "I like world peace, and I'm here to have your babies!"
Germany slammed the door in her face. Quickly, he closed the curtains.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. If it was Antarctica again, he would've called the cops and she would've been subjected to the infamous German police force. He opened it to find England and France with America standing in the middle. America was suddenly very, very fat.
"Vat do you vant?" Germany asked. "I am very busy today, and I don't have time for…"
"Yo Germany!" America greeted. "I was just in the neighborhood and I bumped into these guys!"
"Actually, Frogface and I had an announcement we wanted to make," England said.
"Vhat is zat?" Germany asked, quickly losing his patience with the trio.
"Angleterre and I are to be married!" France said joyfully. Apparently this was news to America as well, because America nearly choked on the hamburger he was eating.
"Uh, okay, Iggy! I thought you were going out with me, but congratulations!" America said.
"Iggy?" Germany asked. "Since vhen do you call England 'Iggy'?"
"It's short for 'Igirsu', dude! Duh!" America said.
"Zhat makes no sense! Only Japan calls him 'Igirisu'!" Germany pointed out.
"By the way, you should seriously put down those hamburgers you fatass." England said.
"You're right," America said sadly. "I'm so fat, dudes. Everyone hates me because I'm a fatty."
I will never understand zose three, Germany thought to himself with a sigh, wondering why he hadn't slammed the door already.
"Ohohohon! I know how to make you feel better about your body!" France said grabbing America by the hand.
"Hey, wait dude, what are you doing?" America asked. "You're creeping me out man!"
"Stop! You're not supposed to be cheating on me with him! I thought we agreed that was my job!" England called out as France dragged America up the stairs.
"Nein!" Germany cried out. "Don't go up there! I didn't invite any of you into my house in ze first place!"
Germany followed France and America upstairs just as France was ripping off America's shirt.
"Let him go, Francey-pants!" Germany ordered. France reluctantly let go. Germany was about to say something else when the doorbell rang. Germany impatiently made his way downstairs to answer the door. He opened it to see Hungary, Taiwan, Japan, and South Korea at the door. Hungary had a camera in hand.
Before Germany could even say one word, Hungary asked, "We heard some serious guy-on-guy action was going to happen here, so we had to come take pictures!"
"I must confess we are fans of yaoi, Mr. Germany," Japan added shyly.
"Da-ze! I invented yaoi, you know!" South Korea boasted.
"No you didn't! Stop saying that!" Japan snapped. Germany just stood there dumbfounded wondering how this day could get any weirder.
"Ugh! Enough!" Germany snapped. "Zhere is no yaoi happening here! Go away!" He slammed the door in their faces.
Meanwhile, the yaoi fan club looked very disappointed that they weren't going to see any yaoi. But Hungary hadn't given up looking for fun.
"Come on guys! Let's go whack people with my skillet!" She insisted. "Maybe Austria wants to join us! He's such a good husband! I love him!"
"I invented the frying pan, you know!" South Korea boasted.
Back in the house, Germany went into the kitchen. After all of the chaos he had experienced in such a short time, a nice cold beer sounded amazing right about now. Suddenly, he opened the door and Prussia jumped out.
"Vhat ze hell?!" Germany gasped. "Bruder, vhat are you doing here?"
"Hey! It's me! Ze awesome Prussia! I just got done looking at Hungary's boobs, and after that I somehow ended up in zhis fridge because I am just zat awesome!" Prussia boasted. "Hey, I got an awesome idea, because I am awesome! All of ze countries should get together and go on an awesome adventure!"
"Vhat ze hell is everyone doing at my house?!" Germany demanded. He was about to go into the living room and tell everyone to get out when the phone rang.
"Hello? Is Prussia there?" A small voice asked on the other end.
"Who is zhis?" Germany asked.
"I'm Canada," the voice said sadly. "And I'm going to kill myself because no one remembers who I am."
"You shouldn't be so melodramatic," Germany said impatiently.
"Please let me talk to Prussia," Canada begged. "He needs to talk me out of killing myself, so then I can decide to live again and then we end up falling in love."
Germany sighed.
"Bruder! Someone wants to talk to you," Germany sighed, handing off the phone to his older brother.
Meanwhile, Iceland crawled out of the freezer and proceeded to make sweet love to the fridge. Germany tried to pry him off, but with no luck.
"Nein! Stop zhat! Zhat is disgusting! Vhat ze hell are you doing?!" Germany shouted, trying to get Iceland away from the fridge.
"You can't stop true love! I don't care if it's wrong to love an object! If it's wrong, I don't want to be right!" Iceland insisted as he continued to lick the side surface of the fridge. Germany gave up trying to get Iceland off of the fridge and promised himself he'd buy a new fridge when this horrific incident of terror was over.
Germany walked back out into the living room and saw even more chaos unfolding. Seychelles had invited herself over and brought with her a trail of screaming fangirls who were all calling her a huge slut for coming between France and England. France was still trying to hit on America, but Russia whacked France on the head with his pipe, just because he wanted an excuse to hit someone with it. Ukraine was crying off in a corner for no reason at all while her boobs loudly bounced up and down. Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania just sat in a corner and shivered in fear while Belarus kept following Russia around and saying over and over again, "Marry me! Marry me! Marry me! Marry me!" Netherlands was off in a corner smoking massive amounts of pot and Switzerland was threatening to shoot anyone who came near Liechtenstein. Everyone was wearing outdated war uniforms. England had suddenly turned into a vampire and began making advances towards one of the screaming fangirls but not before using his magic to accidentally turn the unconscious France into a baby. Random countries started to hook up with each other for no reason at all, even countries that despised each other.
And worst of all…everyone was making a huge mess in his house!
The doorbell rang again and America waddled towards the door to answer it. China stood there wearing a dress and a flower in his hair. Wait a moment, since when did China cross-dress?
"Yo dude!" America called. "China's here! Cute dress, China!"
"Aru, aru, aru!" China said.
"Ha! You sound like a Pokémon! That's so awesome!" America laughed.
"Come in, China, da," Russia invited. "Let us become one, my precious little sunflower! Da!"
"Aru, aru, aru, aru!"
Russia and China began making out in a corner. Every so often, China would loudly moan a contented, "Aiyaa!"
"You know how to say more zhan zat!" Germany shouted. "Stop it!"
"Get away from big brother!" Belarus snapped. She pulled out a pocket knife and began to chase China around the room with it. No one seemed to care that Belarus stabbed China in the back and now he was lying in a bloody heap on the floor.
When was this madness ever going to end?
Suddenly, it all made sense now. The fanfiction writers! They were the ones responsible for all of this mayhem. All of the fanboys/fangirls in the world were writing complete gibberish and so anything and everything could happen! And for some reason it all wound up at Germany's house.
Germany had a very long list in his mind of fanfiction writers he wanted to declare war with. He tried to make his way to the front door when it flew open. A busty woman with long, flowing blonde hair and purple eyes made her way into the living room. Her boobs were bigger than Ukraine's and there was a crown of flowers in her hair. Everyone stopped what they were doing to get a look at the woman. Just when Germany knew this couldn't get any weirder, it did.
"America, I am North America," she said. "My human name is Sapphire Ruby Diamond Emerald Rainbow Serendipity Neko Freedom Jones. I'm yours and Canada's mother."
"Mommy!" America cried.
"And I brought your fifty children with you, too!" North America cried. Germany's mouth hung open in horror as fifty little clones of America, each one representing the fifty states, all flooded into the house. All of them had blonde hair and blue eyes, even Hawaii and Alaska.
"Daddy!" They all cried in unison.
"Hey! Who vants to play an awesome game of truth or dare?" Prussia asked loudly.
"NEIN! I CAN'T TAKE ZHIS ANYMORE!" Germany screamed in horror before pushing past the other countries. He sprinted towards the front door and climbed into his car where he drove off. He sped down the street as quickly as his car would go. He stopped the car when he saw Italy, Romano, Belgium, and Spain. He parked the car and jumped out.
"Fososososososo," Spain said to Romano. "Come on Roma! Smile, mi amor!"
"Shut up, you dumb tomato bastard! I will never forgive you for what you did to me when I was little!" Romano snapped. Germany shuddered, not wanting to know what Romano meant by that.
"Romano, he's just trying to help!" Belgium cooed in an attempt to appease him.
"Shut up, you stupid bitch!" Romano swore. "You're a fucking stupid waffle bitch!" Now this was definitely strange. It wasn't unusual of Romano to curse out men, but never did he curse out women. Romano smacked Belgium in the face. Belgium buried her face in her hands and started to weep uncontrollably. Germany's jaw hit the floor in horror. He lunged forward to strangle Romano for raising his hand against a woman, but Spain spoke up.
"You will have to excuse him, Señor Germany," Spain said. "Roma drank a gigantic bottle of OOC and now he doesn't know what to do with himself. The effects of the OOC will wear off over time." Of course. This was the work of the fanfiction writers. Germany still wanted to strangle Romano, but he abstained just this once, getting ready to strike if Romano tried to hit Belgium again.
"Ve~ Germany! We've been waiting for you!" Italy cried.
"Italy! Something's wrong!" Germany explained. "Everyone's acting crazy!"
Before Italy could reply, Sweden, Finland, and Sealand showed up. Finland was dressed in some weird Santa Claus-housewife type of outfit.
"G'd Aft'rn'n G'rm'ny," Sweden greeted slowly. "M' w'fe 'nd I w'nt'd t' st'p by 'nd say h'llo."
"I don't understand vhat you're saying," Germany said.
"Mr. Sweden just said we wanted to stop by and say hello!" Finland chirped. "We brought Sealand with us!"
"Hello there Germany, desu yo!" Sealand greeted happily. "England is a jerk, desu yo!"
"See vhat I mean?" Germany insisted. "Sealand isn't even from Japan's place and he says that after every sentence!"
"Ve~ What are you talking about, Germany?" Italy said. "Ve~ This is normal! Oh, and by the way, our bosses all got back from a world meeting. Ve~ In order to promote world peace, they said we all had to go to an American high school!"
"Neeeeeeeeeein!" Germany cried.
Germany woke up and looked at the digital display on the alarm clock that rested on the nightstand. His forehead was drenched in sweat and his breath became labored.
It was all just a crazy dream. Of course. There was no way anything could happen like that in real life. There was no way that all of the crazy fanfiction stories that existed in the world could ever come true all at once!
The doorbell rang and Germany's gut dropped in dread. He crawled out of bed, threw on some clothes, and cautiously crept down the stairs to answer the door.
Italy stood there with a box in his hand. Germany looked around to see if anyone else was nearby. He sighed in relief when no one else was with Italy.
"Hey Germany!" Italy cried. "Japan and I made bento boxes today, and so I brought you one for lunch!"
"Oh," Germany said. "Come in, Italy. I just woke up, so I suppose I vill be eating lunch for breakfast."
"You don't normally sleep in Germany! That's so out of character for you!" Italy pointed out.
Germany shuddered. If only Italy knew about the dream Germany had the night before, then maybe Italy might know a thing or two about people being "out of character".