I could bore you with the details of what was going on, but all you need to know was that Tweek Tweak was dead. He saved his boyfriend, Craig Tucker, from death and now he was sprawled on the ground. The group of people around him were all silent, even Craig. That is, until one boy spoke up. That boy was Damien Thorn.
"You fools! Because of your idiotic concern with homosexuals, you have doomed the world! Again!" Damien cackled maniacally, holding his arms up. His eyes started to glow, and a crack formed in the ground. Once it opened up, Satan floated out of it, a gang of demons at his side.
The people of South Park screamed and tried to run away, but the demons prevented this. These people were going to be the first to go, since they were kind of the reason the world was ending.
"God damn it! Kyle, why does your mom always have to cause the end of the world?" Stan groaned, glaring at the sobbing Sheila Broflovski.
"Because they're Jews!"
"Shut the hell up, Cartman!"
Satan smiled at Damien, patting his back. "Well done, son. You did it. I'm actually proud to call you my spawn. Now, you will get to rule."
"Yes!" Damien cheered, grinning at the citizens. "Meet your new ruler! Your new God! I will decide who will live and who will die from now on! Take that, you disgusting humans!"
Christophe threw his cigerette to the floor, huffing. "Shit. You shouldn't have invited ze demon spawn, Gregory."
Gregory huffed. "Everything is always my fault, isn't it?"
"Silence!" Satan barked, gaining everyone's attention. "You all did this to yourselves! Killed a child, who did nothing to any of you! I thought my son was crazy for wanting to take over, but I see now he has a very good point! Humanity is disgusting. All of it. So, who wants to die first?"
There was no answer. That is, until a little boy started walking toward Satan. This little boy's name was Craig Tucker, and he was carrying the dead body of Tweek, his boyfriend. People watched, unsure if he was offering to die or saying something to convince Satan otherwise.
Damien frowned, looking at Craig skeptically. "You want to die first?"
Craig said nothing. His face seemed to be the same as it always was. Blank. There was no expression from him, he seemed to be fine with speaking to the actual devil and his son.
Then, all at once, his facade dropped. Craig Tucker, the guy with no expression, the biggest asshole in fourth grade next to Cartman, started to cry. Not in a silent, cool way either. His sobs were loud, like a child. Fuck, he was a child. A child who's boyfriend had just died for him. How do you think he would feel?
"Craig..." Kyle said in amazement, eyes wide. No one was laughing at his loud cries, or even smiling. Even Eric Cartman wasn't making fun of him.
"Please, Satan, don't let Tweek die!" Craig sobbed, looking up at the father and son desperately. "I'll die instead! I want him to live and be happy and have a lot of fun. He's a fucking spaz, but that isn't his fault! Please...it's gay, but I love him."
A collective gasp swept through the crowd, though the children were not part of it. They weren't surprised, or disgusted, or anything. The only thing they felt was sympathy for the poor asshole.
Satan blinked, at a loss for words. Was this child really offering himself to die? But...humans were supposed to be selfish, right? What was this? "Listen, kid...I can't really do anything to help because-"
"WAIT!" A voice shouted. Everyone looked around, locating who was standing up for Craig.
"Look!" Wendy pointed to the huge gaping hole in the ground that connected Hell and Earth. Someone was climbing out of it.
That somebody was Chef.
"Chef!" The children were dying to hug the deceased man, but stayed back. After all, he was right next to the guy who could kill them all. Safety comes first, kids.
"Hello, children!" Chef waved, then knelt down next to Craig. "How's it going, Craig?"
"Bad," Craig replied, sniffing.
"Tweek is dead. 'Cause of me. And...and I can't bring him back. Satan won't even take me instead," Craig whimpered, hugging Tweek's corpse.
Chef nodded, standing back up and looking at Satan. "Satan, I will agree with you on one thing: humanity can be disgusting. People lie, cheat, steal, and are unbelievably selfish. I won't deny it. But, look at Craig. Does that seem disgusting, or selfish, or unholy to you?" Chef waited, as if the devil was really going to answer it. The reason why he wasn't, you uneducated fuckcoach, was because it was rhetorical. "It isn't. The children of this town, of this world, are the most beautiful things about humanity They have love, and amazing amount of it, and they have the most wonderful imaginations. Even Eric Cartman has it. Please, Satan. Don't kill them. Give them the final chance to redeem themselves."
Satan was now conflicted. He looked around at the children, who looked at him back with their wide and hopeful eyes. Damn it. "Well...maybe..."
"What? No!" Damien growled, crossing his arms. "I want them to die! Father, you have to let me do it! Who cares about love?"
"I do," Pip Pirrup said firmly, which gained a noise of shock from Damien. "You might not like me, Damien, but I do. That's why I agreed to do this for you. I thought...maybe if I did..." Pip looked down, disappointed and embarrassed.
Now Damien was conflicted, and highly embarrassed too. But, again, no one was laughing. He looked from Pip to Chef to Satan to Craig, considering the options. Well...he had time. He could always rule the world some other time. After all, eternity was all he had, and it was certainly enough.
"...Very well! As for right now, this disgusting world will be spared!" The crowd whooped and cheered, they couldn't believe they actually dodged that bullet twice. "I'll come back though! Me and my wife will conquer!" He grabbed a beaming Pip's hand, kissing it quickly.
"Jolly good," Pip chirped, which earned him yet another bop to the head. This one was actually more playful than the others.
Satan smiled at the two. Like father, like son. He stepped forward, scanning the crowd. "I will reset everything once again. Everyone who is dead will revive." That part was mostly aimed at Craig, who looked up hopefully. "Try not to fuck up again. If you can. Let's go, son." Satan and the two boys jumped back into the hole into Hell.
"Goodbye, children!" Chef waved, falling back into the hole as well.
"Bye, Chef!" Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny replied in unison.
The hole was instantly sealed. After it was, it was like the bloodbath before never happened. People who were thought to be dead were standing with no wounds.
This included Tweek.
"Huh...? What, AH, happened?! I thought I was de-mmmph!" Tweek was cut off by Craig, who tacked the blond to the ground and kissed him. "Craig!"
"You're an asshole," Craig muttered, hugging him tightly. "Don't fucking do that again."
Kyle was overjoyed at the fact he wasn't going to die. So much, he kissed Stan right in front of Wendy. Bow chicka bow wow.
Stan looked at her. "Wendy, I..."
Wendy simply sighed, giving them both a weak smile. "It's okay, Stan. I don't want to force you to be with me."
"Really?" Stan asked, a little bit suspicious.
"Well, yeah. If you want to be with Kyle, that's fine. I just didn't want him to force you into anything you didn't want. I thought if I kept you away, Kyle would get over you. But...if you really don't like me, fine." Wendy shrugged, pretty calm considering her boyfriend was homo for his best friend. What a good sport.
"Wow, this all turned out okay!" Stan said, smiling at the other members of La Resistance. "Butters even made it!"
"Sure did, fellas," Butters confirmed, socking Kenny in the arm playfully. "Kenny here thought we were goners for sure! He even gave me a going away present!"
"Oh yeah? What?" Cartman asked, not even really caring.
"It sure was weird. He put his tongue in my mouth. But he explained real well that it was a traditional gift!" Everyone stared at Butters, then at Kenny, then at each other with disbelief. Kenny, meanwhile, looked pretty fucking smug beneath his parka. He was probably gonna parka his dick somewhere in Butters later.
"Anyway!" Gregory changed the subject, "It seems like this town has grown since I left. It's more...um..."
"Gay?" Cartman suggested.
"Well, I was going to say diverse, but that too."
"Maybe you should bring your shitty self back to South Park 'zen," Christophe suggested, trying to sound like he didn't care when he totally did. The cute little shit.
Gregory smiled at him. "Maybe I will."
"Oh my God, why are all the hot guys gay?" Bebe complained, crossing her arms.
"I'm not!" Cartman whined.
"My point exactly."
Soon, the parents started to round up their kids, going home. Stan waved goodbye to his brand new boyfriend, who's mother was pretending that she didn't almost destroy the world again. Stan's parents were taking the whole relationship between him and Kyle surprisingly well.
"Well, Stan, I always knew you and Kyle were a little funny," Randy said, starting their car and driving off.
"Yeah, you two turds were so obvious," Shelly spat, her glare less deadly than usual.
Sharon smiled at her son. "You'll always be my baby boy, Stan. Even if you are gay."
"Thanks, mom. I learned something this past week," Stan said. Oh god, here comes the lesson. "Yeah, there's gay people everywhere. But that's okay. They didn't make me feel that way about Kyle, I did that myself. The only thing homosexuals will do to kids is make them understand themselves easier, instead of spending a lifetime unsure of themselves. Maybe homosexuals aren't the dangerous, perverted beasts everyone makes them out to be."
"Yeah, uh huh. So, you're going to top Kyle, right?"
"What? My son is not gonna take it up the ass on my watch!"
Thank God they lived in this quiet, little, pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mud-hole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-drivin', old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, out-of-touch, white-trash, kickass, gay mountain town.
THAT IT. IT DONE.
So that was my first South Park fanfic. But will it be the last (probably)? Stay tuned.