78(Hi guys! Took me a while to get this up, but I hope you'll like it. Thanks again for the continued support. Means a lot!)
It didn't take them long to get back to Combeferre's apartment. Once the panic attack was over, it was clear that Enjolras wanted nothing more than to get away from the lively city center and hide inside his room, where he could be alone with the people he trusted. The trio decided to take the metro instead of walking the way back. It wouldn't have taken them more than thirty minutes, but Enjolras was shaking far too much for Combeferre's liking. It felt safer to take the underground.
During their way back, Combeferre tried to reach out to his friend a couple of times, but whether he did so with a touch of his shoulder, a squeeze of his arm or a gentle word, Enjolras turned him down every time. He would either turn away or huff out an annoyed sigh. Combeferre finally gave up trying when Grantaire shook his head, silently encouraging him to leave it be.
Enjolras didn't say anything to neither of his friends after he was brought back from the painful flashbacks. He could still see all those faces staring down at him in bewilderment and misplaced curiosity. The embarrassment that bubbled up after realizing he was on the ground in the middle of a crowded terrace, shaking and crying, still had to leave his chest. The panic attack was one of the reasons why Enjolras was reluctant to go outside nowadays. He didn't trust himself anymore. He didn't trust his own emotions, his own instincts. His mind was constantly playing tricks on him. It was already hard enough to keep everything under control when he was safe at home with only Combeferre or his friends to worry about.
He knew the attack had scared Combeferre and Grantaire. He could see it in their eyes and in the way they kept telling him 'it is okay' and 'you're going to be fine'. Enjolras felt like they were only saying that to sooth their own racing hearts. And who could blame them? It wasn't like this whole thing wasn't taking its toll on them. Enjolras knew how much they worried and how hard they tried to keep him together. The panic attack he suffered had been severe enough to turn him into a miserable ball in the middle of one of the most crowded places in Paris. To his friends it must've looked like a confirmation that their strong friend was truly gone. Of course they were telling him everything was going to be okay. They had to, because otherwise they had to admit that they'd failed not only him but themselves as well.
Pulling his hand out of Combeferre's grasp for the third time in five minutes, Enjolras walked into the subway and stood near the train doors. He kept his head down, so he didn't have to see people staring at him, judging him. Sometimes it felt like he was still walking around in his stripes. No matter where he went or who he was with, people always seemed to know that he was a camp survivor. And apparently that was scary in one way or another, because people avoided him, whispered about him behind his back and expected him to fall apart at any second. It frustrated Enjolras, because he feared that maybe they were right.
How was he ever going to have a normal life if he couldn't even go outside without breaking down? How was he ever going to be independent if he was so scared all the time. How could he ever be on his own if the smallest things could trigger a panic attack? If Enjolras was honest with himself, the future terrified him because he had no idea what place he would have in it.
Both Combeferre and Grantaire remained silent as well. At this point it was better not to speak at all. The three of them were too fragile, too unsure, too afraid of saying the wrong thing. They sat down quietly opposite of each other, both keeping a close eye on their blonde friend.
Grantaire gazed subtly from Combeferre to Enjolras and back to Combeferre again. There was a tension there. Despite the concerned frown the medical student wore and despite the numerous attempts to get Enjolras' attention, Grantaire could see something had shifted in Combeferre's eyes. Something was different. He didn't know how long the tension between the best friends had been building, but it was obvious that the path they had been walking needed to change. There was an annoyance there – on both sides – but mostly a deep, deep grief on Combeferre's side. A grief that hadn't been that clear before. Grantaire was certain that it had exploded at the same time Enjolras' panic attack was triggered.
Opposite of him, Combeferre's breath suddenly hitched an Grantaire could feel his heart clench. He reached out and gave his friend's knee a gentle squeeze. He smiled when his friend looked up at him, his brown eyes filled with unshed tears. Grantaire knew Combeferre tried his best to keep it all together, but the artist wished he wouldn't. It wasn't a humanly possible thing to do after everything they'd been through. It wasn't healthy nor was it fair to put all his needs, desires and dreams aside in order to take care of his friend. No one would blame Combeferre if he thought of himself for once.
Especially not Enjolras.
Ever since Enjolras got back from his imprisonment, Combeferre had put his entire life on hold. He slept when Enjolras slept, he ate when Enjolras ate and he made sure to be at his friend's side nearly every second of the day. Admirable, of course. But also very suffocating for the both of them, despite Enjolras' increasingly clingy behavior. That way, Enjolras didn't get a chance to get used to being his own person again and Combeferre didn't allow himself to mourn the friend he'd lost nor work through the trauma of the war. It would come as no surprise to none of the Amis that this way of living would eventually take its toll.
It had been a small victory when Combeferre agreed with Courfeyrac that he needed to go back to work again and leave it to others to keep an eye on Enjolras during his absence. For a week now, he left the house for four hours. It was anything but easy when each day Enjolras pleaded with his friend to stay and Combeferre left the house with tears in his eyes.
The ride in the subway took them to the correct station in less than ten minutes. Grantaire decided to join the two best friends on their way home even though he lived in the opposite direction. He had no doubt that Combeferre was perfectly capable of taking care of Enjolras after what happened. To be honest, Grantaire was sure there was no one better for the job. But he felt like he could still mean something to the two of them and he wanted to speak to Combeferre alone before he left. He just hoped Combeferre would be willing to hear him out.
As they walked the short way back to their apartment, Combeferre felt his heart grow heavier with each step. Enjolras' panic attack had scared him deeply. Of course he knew how traumatized his friend was – he probably knew better than anyone else – but never had he wanted to believe that Enjolras was so far broken. The miserable boy that sank down crying in the middle of a crowded terrace, trembling and begging, wasn't the Enjolras he had grown up with. And the sudden realization that that young man was truly gone and would probably never come back had hit Combeferre hard. It had shifted something in his chest and all he wanted to do now was climb into bed and hide away from the world.
He silently followed Grantaire and Enjolras up the stairs and dug the keys out his pocket when they arrived at the front door. As soon as the tree of them stepped inside, Enjolras disappeared in his bedroom and quietly closed the door behind him. He hadn't uttered a single word after they left Île de la Cité. Combeferre watched him go with a painful heart and was about to go after him when a gentle hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"Give him some space, 'Ferre," Grantaire said, looking over Combeferre's shoulder to Enjolras' door.
Combeferre turned around and frowned, shaking his head. "No, I need to go to him," he commented, but his voice sounded doubtful. He realized with guilt in his heart that he felt unsure about comforting his best friend. He had never felt that way before. "He… He needs me… He shouldn't be alone after what happened."
The hand on his shoulder tightened and Combeferre looked into Grantaire's green eyes that glistened with sympathy. "What he needs is space… Give him a moment to get back to himself."
Combeferre turned back to the bedroom door again and bit his lip. Part of him didn't want to leave Enjolras alone. He knew his friend was probably scared and confused and Combeferre knew he depended on him to put him back together. However, another part of him wasn't ready to go in there just yet. That part of him was exhausted, dead tired, and couldn't find the energy to comfort someone who couldn't be comforted anyway. That part of him needed space as well.
"I need to talk to you anyway," Grantaire tried again.
He smiled when Combeferre finally nodded and followed him to the living room. They sat down on the couch and stayed silent for a short while. Grantaire didn't really know where to start and Combeferre was too far lost in his mind to think of anything to say. After a couple of minutes, Grantaire cleared his throat and pulled a tired hand across his face.
"Look," he started, clenching and unclenching his fists a few times. "I've been thinking on how to say this to you ever since what happened this afternoon, but I guess there's no good way to say it, so I'm just going to tell you right now that we all think something needs to change because we're worried about you… And about Enjolras as well, of course, but mostly about you… And this just can't go on the same way anymore…"
His voice was trembling and he hated how nervous he sounded. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything and just leave it to one of the other Amis. Grantaire swallowed and took a deep breath.
Combeferre raised his eyebrows and looked confused. He cleared his throat and shook his head a little. "Uhm… I-uh… What do mean? Who is 'we' and what exactly do you think needs to change? I don't understand…" His voice was quiet, almost insecure and Grantaire definitely knew now that he should've let one of his friends deal with this. But he started the conversation and there was no backing out now.
"The Amis," he replied kindly, with a small smile. "We're worried about you 'Ferre… Courf called an emergency meeting last week after you collapsed on the stairs collecting your mail.."
Combeferre huffed and looked away. He had hoped Courfeyrac had kept that to himself, but apparently he hadn't. "That was nothing, R… I told Courf that too. I was just… I just stumbled, that was all."
Grantaire shook his head. "No, you passed out because you were exhausted. Because you hadn't slept in days. We are not blind, Combeferre… We can all see how much this is taking from you and it's clear that you're not doing well."
Combeferre rolled his eyes but didn't answer. What was he going to say? He had seen himself in the mirror, he knew how tired he looked. There was no use denying it.
"We're worried because you can't keep this up. It's not healthy. Your entire life revolves around Enjolras. You're with him practically 24/7. You only eat when he's eating and you only sleep when he sleeps and God knows how little he sleeps nowadays. You've put everything you love on hold and you put yourself in second place at everything."
"Well what do you expect me to do?" Combeferre snapped, his eyes wide and shining. "What am I supposed to do, Grantaire? Do I just turn away and let him deal with everything on his own? I'm trying my best here! You have no idea how hard it is… How hard it is to have your best friend fall apart right in front of you, desperately seeking comfort but no matter what you do, you can't offer it. You have no idea how hard it is to fall asleep exhausted knowing you'll wake up in less than an hour because he is haunted by night terrors. You have no idea how hard it is to try and try and try and all you accomplish is your friend drawing away even further into his shell. You have no idea how hard it is to be afraid you'll lose him after all while at the same time a deep dark part of you thinks it would've been better if he'd never come back…"
Combeferre choked on a sob he tried to keep back and squeezed his eyes shut.
"Don't you think we know that 'Ferre?" Grantaire offered softly, keeping his voice low and kind. "Of course we realize how hard this is and that is exactly what worries us. You try to do everything on your own… despite the fact that you've got six friends who are more than willing to help. You are there for Enjolras in every possible way, and that's wonderful, but you forget to think about yourself in the process. You haven't even given yourself the chance to work through your own trauma of the war… Or to mourn for the people we've lost…"
Combeferre shook his head and gave Grantaire a confused look. "What do you mean? I've mourned the great losses we suffered together with you… but we haven't lost anyone close to us…"
"Yes we have… 'Ferre… The Enjolras you're looking for isn't there anymore. He died in that war and you can try all you want but that person isn't coming back. You need to accept that in order to help him find who he is now." Grantaire knew how horrible it sounded to say those words, but it was the truth and Combeferre needed to hear them. Everyone else had given it a place – even Courfeyrac – and had accepted that they needed to build a new future instead of trying to rekindle the past. And as long as Combeferre hadn't truly accepted that the old Enjolras was gone, none of them could go forward. Least of all Enjolras.
Combeferre glanced at the closed bedroom door and let out a small sigh. "How do you know that? How can any of you be so sure about that? Cosette told me she believes he's still in there…"
"Of course there are still parts of him that are the same, I'm not saying that, 'Ferre. But you're trying to fix an Enjolras that isn't there anymore. Not completely. He told you that himself… Courf said he told both of you that he was never going to be the same. Who else knows better than Enjolras himself? It's not fair to him to keep these expectations.."
A silence filled the room after those words. Combeferre tried to let them sink in. It wasn't like it hadn't occurred to him before, but each time it did he just refused to believe it. Now Grantaire was telling their friends had had an emergency meeting about him and Enjolras… Were things really that bad? And what did they want him to do? They knew how dependent Enjolras nowadays; they knew how clingy he got and how reluctant he was to be alone… Some of them witnessed it last week when he started going back to work..
"Maybe you're right…," Combeferre whispered after a couple of minutes. "But I still don't understand what you think I need to change… I'm already going back to work, aren't I? I'm still doing things I like… I read… I invite you guys over often enough… Today we went outside with Enjolras…"
Grantaire nodded. "We know that. And it's a good thing that you started working again 'Ferre… We just… We just think that in order for you to get used to this new life and for Enjolras to stand on his own feet, you guys need to give each other a little more space."
"You've seen him, R… He doesn't want space, he needs-"
"He hasn't slept in his own bed since he got back 'Ferre, he hasn't even tried.." Grantaire interrupted him softly.
"Because he's terrified! He has nightmares every night… The fact that he sleeps with me is the only reason he sleeps at all."
"I understand that, I do… But he's going to need to learn to be independent again. This way, he always has someone to fall back on. He doesn't even really have to try anymore, because he knows you're there and you'll protect him. And at the same time he hates himself for it. You've seen him today, after that panic attack. It was obvious how embarrassed he felt. He doesn't want that, he wants to be able to have control of his emotions and memories again. He wants to have control of his own life again… And he's never going to learn that if we don't let him deal with things on his own more often… I'm not saying you need to let go of him all at once. Of course not! I just think that maybe we need a different approach. We shouldn't 'mother' him this way… I don't think it's good for him in the long run no matter how much he seems to need it right now…"
Combeferre stared down at the hands folded in his lap and thought of something he could say. Were they right? Did he need to force Enjolras to be more independent? Would he have to push his friend away when he craved comfort? How could he? After everything Enjolras had already gone through? Still… What Grantaire said was true. The more Enjolras relied on him, the harder it would be for his friend to find his place in this new world. Ever since his roommate was captured, someone else had been in control of him. Now that he was back, Enjolras still didn't have control. He'd unconsciously given it to Combeferre who took the responsibility without knowing he had.
"Like I said…," Grantaire continued when Combeferre remained silent, "None of us think we should change the way things are overnight… But we do think that maybe – slowly – we need to start pushing him a little more. For his own sake. And for yours as well, to be honest…"
Combeferre looked back up at Grantaire, his eyes thoughtful. There used to be a time when the artist annoyed him. A few years ago he was bothered by Grantaire's childish behavior and his lack of responsibility. But the man that sat before him now was someone entirely different.
"You've changed," Combeferre mused.
"War changes people," Grantaire replied, shrugging his shoulders as if it was as simple as that. "I guess it changed me for the better." He pushed himself up from the couch and walked into the kitchen to gather his bag. When he returned, Combeferre was still sitting in the same spot, staring at the bedroom room.
"I-uh… I think I should go now… But just so you know, none of us decided on how or when we should discuss this with you… It wasn't like it was planned or anything. I just thought that after what happened this afternoon, maybe I should just tell you so you could think about it yourself.. I hope that's okay…"
Combeferre uttered another sigh and nodded. He stood from the couch as well and walked Grantaire to the door. "Of course that's okay… I just… I need to think about it. And I'd appreciate it if in the future I'll be invited to a meeting concerning myself and my wellbeing."
Grantaire returned the smile Combeferre offered him and shook his hand. "Noted. And as soon as you're willing to leave Enjolras alone for an hour or two, you will be. Bye 'Ferre.. Tell E I'll come by soon, yeah?"
TBC.
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