8A/N: Ever since I rejoined the fandom, I've cared about Tai a lot more than I used to.
Also if I wanted to write about Tai so bad, I really should be working on finishing my fic "Reversing Waterloo" (That was a shameless plug. I regret nothing... Okay, I sort of do, sorry)
Anyway, a character study:
Distance
Sometimes Tai could feel himself falling.
The sensation was hauntingly similar to how he felt on the trolley ride home. Plummeting toward Earth, picking up speed, watching the Digital World fade away. Upon landing, the trolley had vanished and the eight of them were left, standing in the rubble surrounded by flashing cameras and clustered reporters.
He specifically remembers that he couldn't think. He just grabbed Kari's hand and tried to get away and soon enough their parents were running toward them and shooing them away from the scene.
He went straight home with his family without so much as a goodbye to the other kids who had become his family in their own right. He walked into his room, and it wasn't like the last time he had been there because Agumon had been with him. He was alone for the first time in months, and he felt it.
Standing in his room, completely unprotected, and he was safe. There was nothing unfamiliar or scary. He no longer had to be on-edge or cautious. He didn't have to agonize over whether anyone else was alright because he was home. He was just some kid again, and no one expected anything from him and that was both wonderful and heartbreaking.
All he was, a leader, a fighter, a chosen child, everything the Digital World had built him up to be was gone in an instant. It all fell away from him, and beneath his initial relief and his gratitude that he was finally safe, he knew, if given the choice, he was willing to dive after it.
When Kari stumbled in, she fell asleep straight away, but he lay there all night. Drained and thoughtless and unable to move but sleep never overtook him.
He called Matt the next morning, and a very groggy voice came on the line. "Hey," he said, and Matt replied with something incoherent that Tai could safely assume was a greeting. "Can I come over?"
There was desperation in his voice that he hadn't intended. Either Matt caught it, or he was too exhausted to say anything except "Yeah, alright" and hang up.
Neither of them had much to say. Most of that day was dedicated to eating gobs of food and dozing off on the couch. They kept the news on the whole time.
"No one's even mentioned us." Tai sounded a lot more annoyed than he felt. This was a good thing. They didn't need the attention.
"My mom said they can't mention us by name without parental consent, because we're minors and all that," Matt explained.
"But they aren't mentioning us at all! These kids fly up into the sky and everything just so happens to get better when they return?"
Matt fussed with a few loose strands of hair thoughtfully. "It's weird, I guess, but a lot of weird stuff was happening all around the world."
Tai brought his attention back to the news broadcast. The lady speaking didn't look like she had a clue what she was really dealing with as she rattled off facts that had been fed to her through her earpiece. "What about all those reporters that were around when we first got back?"
Matt shrugged then said, "I recognized most of them from my dad's station. I doubt he'd let them air anything involving us."
Tai allowed himself to lean backwards into the couch in resignation. If they didn't want to talk about them, fine. If they wanted to remove them from what remained of the Digital World, fine.
They even looked up international news reports on Matt's dad's computer, but they weren't that helpful. They couldn't understand a word of it, so it was more or less watching footage of the sky from different angles.
It was the Digital World, upside down and backwards… and not his, he decided. Not anymore.
The next day he went biking around town with Sora trying to assess all of the destruction. There were policemen everywhere surveying the scene, investigators snooping around, builders busy repairing the damage.
None of this made him feel any better. A white hot rage bubbled up inside of him at the sight of all these adults trying to take control of the situation like they had the right. Like they knew anything about what had occurred over the past few days. He had knowledge to share, stories he could tell them, but he was painfully aware that he was currently just some kid on a bike who couldn't do much more than stop and stare like any other bystander. No one knew the role he had played in all of this.
He watched the flimsy caution tape that separated him from the scene and physically he knew he could break it but… he couldn't. He just couldn't. He can't.
There was a divide, a disconnect. He didn't belong among them. They were oblivious and naïve. Tai was capable of fixing that, but there was no way they would listen. These adults were in control; they ruled this world for better or worse and they weren't willing to listen to a child no matter how chosen he may be.
And again there's that sensation of falling away from reality, back to a world that had built him up then left him stranded here with all this newfound knowledge and maturity and not a soul who would believe it.
People don't change overnight, and to everyone else that's effectively what he'd done. Gone from this loud troublemaker who cared about nothing but soccer to a mature, confident boy who demanded respect.
It was laughable.
Despite being omitted from the news, those local to Odaiba were well aware of the kids who rose into the sky, and their classmates had recognized them easily.
When he returned to school after their first adventure, he received a lot of gawking like he was an animal at the zoo they'd rather observe than interact with. A few brave souls questioned him, and a few kids sneered. No one really wanted much to do with him. Even with his old friends who didn't outright disown him, things were different now. Despite how prominent their differences were in a school setting, he found himself spending a lot more time with, say, Matt and Izzy than any of the kids from soccer.
He liked to think their friendships extended past Tai's need to feel connected to the Digital World. And they did. They'd served as his family away from home for months; he trusted the other Chosen, and they were all better than any friends he'd had before. He genuinely enjoyed Joe's effortless, deadpan humor or listening to Izzy's techno babble, his voice rising with excitement, on a lazy afternoon.
"Ever since we got back, I don't look at things the same," he said to Izzy one afternoon. "There are other worlds out there, and all anyone wants to do is ignore it. They're all so afraid, but I just…"
Izzy nodded, well aware of the unspoken words between them.
I just want to go back.
Kari doesn't empathize with him the way the others do. She seemed sad about leaving the Digital World but not hopeless. Not broken. She had faith this wasn't over, but Tai was well acquainted with her blind optimism. She and TK were both convinced they'd see their partners again.
He couldn't afford to be that hopeful because he knew the more he held on the more likely he was to fall farther and never be able to climb back to reality.
So Tai let go, slowly but surely. He stopped falling, and instead did his best to hold on.
Then Diaboromon happened. The adrenalin, the sheer happiness despite all that was at stake. It had only been a year, but the nostalgia was overpowering.
It was over in less than a day. Izzy went home, and Tai lay on the office floor for hours, crying and crying. He didn't know he missed it so much. He needed the Digital World and Agumon and his team.
But things were different now. They were growing older, and the Digital World was prospering without them, and as he tried to pull himself together before Kari got home, in much the same way he had standing in his room their first night back, he felt utterly and completely alone. Like neither of the two worlds outside of that room even existed. Or at least, like neither had bothered to make room for him.
Distant. Most of the time, he just felt distant. From both worlds.
He grew light-headed, felt his stomach drop, and just like that he was falling again.
Only once did Tai try to communicate this feeling to anyone. Not to his parents or any of the other kids but in front of his entire eighth grade speech class. The assignment was to give an opinion on what a classic movie reveals about the society of that time. Tai didn't prepare a speech, and maybe if he had, he wouldn't have felt the need to actually speak his mind.
"Just last year, the movie Godzilla vs. Megaguirus came out as yet another installment to the classic Godzilla franchise. I believe this says a lot about our modern day society considering even after repeated monster attacks actually striking our nation in real life, we still find enjoyment in watching movies about it."
No one in the class reacted to his words except for Matt whose pencil stopped mid-stroke.
"We just think it's so hilarious and entertaining to watch monsters fight. We don't care why they're fighting or if one of them is a good guy. They're foreign to us, so they must all be scary and evil.
"But here's the thing: We're just as destructive. They show us that in History class all the time. Humans pillage and destroy; we kill and ravage. To a monster, humans must be the evil, scary ones."
He took a deep breath and resisted the urge to kick the kid in the front row that was falling asleep. Normally he wouldn't care if anyone listened to his speech. No one listened to the speeches in speech class besides the teacher, but he still couldn't stop himself from getting angry. He shouldn't be the only one who cares about this.
He paused, a thought dawning on him.
"But another movie just came out that I'd rather talk about. My sister and I watched it last night. It's called Spirited Away. It's about this girl who winds up trapped in another world full of creepy, monster-like spirits."
He looked around the room once more. If no one was going to listen he might as well say whatever he wanted. Even Matt had his head down, supposedly reading over the speech he was trying to conjure up last minute.
"The whole movie she's just trying to get out and save her parents and go home. It makes sense. She's scared out of her mind being there, but overtime she gets this sweet-gig at a bath house and she makes friends and she just… She has a place there, you know? And I didn't understand why she wanted to go back, why anyone would want to go back…"
He trailed off, feeling his throat tighten up. He warned himself that if he even sounded the least bit emotional these kids wouldn't let him hear the end of it. He continued anyway.
"I wonder if she ever regrets wanting to go home. I mean, her friend Haku, she probably never saw him again. You could argue she had to return because of her parents, but… I don't know if they're worth it."
He leaned on one foot and rubbed the back of his head in concentration. "I'm not sure what any of that has to do with society. We're just… really afraid of things we aren't familiar with, and we think we have some sort of loyalty to return to the place we're from, but sometimes you're better off finding a new home somewhere else."
The majority still weren't listening. The few that did were either staring at him or looking to the teacher to know the right way to respond. She said thank you and reprimanded him for choosing new movies and not classic ones.
"And your theme changed," she added.
Tai could feel himself spiraling down, away from them, to a place where he mattered.
Maybe that's what he missed most about the Digital World. When he was there, he mattered. He was a Chosen Child, a leader. Here, he was a kid or that freak from the monster attacks.
He stumbled back to his seat, a bit dazed, and Matt's there, biting his lip and refusing to make eye contact with him. Tai scowled at the back of his best friend's head. If anyone should've appreciated his speech, or at least paid attention to it, than it should've been him.
He remained tense. Light-headed, sick to his stomach, throat tight and dry. He wasn't falling right now but plummeting. The thought that he couldn't be here right now consumed him. He had to get out, had to get to the Digital World He shouldn't be here He can't be here
He felt a firm hand on his shoulder. He turnsed his head to find Matt mouthing "You okay?" and he mouthed back "Yes." Not that he meant it or that Matt believed him. He nodded anyhow then almost as an after-thought added, "I do get it. I think we all do."
Tai began to relax after that. His throat loosened, and he allowed his thoughts to fall away from him. Matt understood him, and the other Chosen Children must too. They were his anchor in both worlds.
He was still now, engrossed in reality and the world around him. He was sitting at his desk absent-mindedly watching Matt try to finish writing his speech while another student sulked his way up to the front of the room.
But then he was falling again back into the Digital World, and he couldn't help but think that was where he belonged.
A/N: I've never gotten the hang of writing anything serious, so reviews would be greatly appreciated!