Disclaimer: Fortunately, dorandsugar and SlytherinPianist don't own the Hobbit or any of the related franchise. If we did, everyone's eyes would explode into rainbow meth. Nor do we own anything from Queen, we just really like their songs.


Prologue

How Chocolate Coins can lead to Catastrophes and How Mary Sues are Evil Creatures


There are two things dwarves like: shiny things and sweet, sugary things. If one combines the two, they get golden chocolate coins (duh). Of course, the dwarves of Erebor went wild with bliss when they discovered how to make these candies. They were even more elated when they found some extremely shiny rock candy in the heart of the mountain.

And no, the rock candy your older sister made can't beat the Holy Grail that is the rock candy of the mountain. Hold on, let me fix that. Nothing can beat the Holy Grail that is The Rock Candy of the Mountain (that would be an awesome book title). Ahem. Back to the story…

Normal people would either eat the rock candy or throw it away, but dwarves aren't normal. Their king of the dwarves took the rock candy as a sign of his right to rule and be utterly respected by everyone in Middle Earth. He even gave it a fancy name, the Arkenstone (short for The Rock Candy of the Mountain 'cus, you know - freaking awesome). The neighboring nation of elves didn't quite agree with the "ultimate respect" part of this concept, but overall, they really wanted chocolate also, so they played along.

Now, a kingdom of happy dwarves in a pile of chocolate coins may seem a very nice image. However, when one considers the fact that they literally filled most of the mountain with golden chocolate coins, it becomes clear that these people had some pretty major problems. Problem number one was that they weren't eating the chocolate like a sane kingdom would. Problem number two was that other people wanted a piece of the sweets. Problems, of course, have negative effects. This time, the "effect" was a dragon called Smaug. (For those that don't know, Smaug is pronounced like how my cat meows. For real.)

All dragons covet chocolate coins and a dragon will guard his hoard of sugar until the end of days (which is a really long time). Dragons and dwarves aren't good at sharing things, so there was a little fight over who got the coins involving a burnt city and many squished, toasted dwarves. In short, the dragon won. Because dragons are cool and damn was Smaug determined to get what he wanted.

The dwarves weren't happy about losing their mountain of chocolate coins. You must understand it was a big mountain. A very big mountain. A very big mountain that the dwarves had even forsaken the use of handrails and safety regulations in their quest for a hella big mound of chocolate. Many took part in the quest to reclaim it. Amongst these were a not-so-loyal wizard, a grouchy dwarf, a romantic dwarf, a confused hobbit, a stuck-up elven king, a huge show-off, and of course, a Mary-Sue.

Oh yeah, the Mary-Sue. (Come on people, give me a dramatic gasp. There we go.)

It is a well-known fact that Mary-Sues are demons created by Melkor, so the prolonged presence of one can wreak havoc on a plotline. When a Sue comes, such a fate can only be avoided by killing her.

But alas, such a task proves difficult.

So join us on this trippy tale of relocating plot armor, never-ending rivers of sugar, anvils that might need dropping, snarky narrators, and random thirty car pileup crashes with reality.


Who here actually remembered that this account was shared by two people? Yeah I didn't think so. Well, dorandsugar and SlytherinPianist are gonna collaborate and bring to you the abnosome cracktastic break down of the Hobbit movies. There IS a reason to this madness, just give us a few chapters to remember what the reason was.

So strap on your seat belts, and prepare for everything you love to explosively turn into watered-down brownie mix with six pounds of cheap arts-and-crafts gold glitter stirred in.

Oh and, update schedule policy on profile stands for this fic as well.

P.S. While we appreciate a female character who is bad ass, the bad ass was canceled out by the romantic subplot involved. Seriously people, we came here for the oh-my-god-crap-no-run-away-run-away-NOW and hell-yeah-fighting scenes. Not the hey-I-know-our-races-have-MAJOR-issues-with-each-other-but-you're-cute/hot parts.