Hello, I know I've never written before, but I'm still small, and I'm not so sure I can trust you with my secrets yet. I'm going to tell you anyways, though. Mom said I could talk to you about anything, that I can trust you. I trust her, so I'm trusting you too.
PS dad is kind of scary, but he helps me a lot, so he's allowed to be.
Okay, here goes nothing. My name is Elsa and I'm twelve years old. When I was born, I had a magical power to make snow and ice. I used to be really good at controlling it. My sister Anna and I would even play with it sometimes. We would go in the main hall, and I would make a winter wonderland for us to play in... but when I was little, I accidentally hurt Anna. I threw a magic blast right through her head.
Mom and Dad found us and Dad picked up Anna and made us run all the way to this meadow. It was covered in big rocks, but soon we found out they were trolls. The leader troll asked dad what happened and when he knew, he was able to save her. But he said something scary. If I ever hit Anna in the heart, even if it was by accident, she would die.
Dad talked to me when we got back home. He made me promise, to swear, that I would never play with my powers again. Especially with Anna. He told me the trolls had to make her forget everything...
So now, years later, I have to be very careful. I'm not allowed to use my powers and my dad gave me these special blue gloves that help me control my power.
The thing is though... I don't want to keep my power inside! It makes me feel angry and scared keeping it in. And Anna... She asks me to play all the time... but dad said I can't play if I can't control it. And I can't yet! I'm afraid if we get close again, I'll just hurt her even more, and since she doesn't know, every time I'm near her is putting her at my risk. What if I wasn't careful enough and I hurt like I did before?
And what will my dad do? Before I hurt Anna, my dad loved me so much.. but when Anna was hurt, and it was my fault, it came to the point that I felt like he hated me. Because I hurt his daughter. His normal daughter. Because I wasn't the same. Not to him.
But I still love my father with all my heart, and I want him to love me too. And he wants me to stay away and be on my own, and control everything. Then I will, because all I want is the love I lost. The unconditional, unhindered fatherly love.
But it all changed, and now I have nobody that I can trust myself with. Nobody besides myself that really loves me.
I stopped writing then, as I felt the air around me get colder. An icy tinge bit at my arms, but I didn't feel cold. I was immune, but I knew what that feeling meant, and it sent a shiver up my spine.
"Why does this always happen?" I whispered, fear making my voice shaky. I looked up from my small journal where it was on my desk, and saw what I feared. The chair I was sitting on was frozen over with a thick layer of ice, and my hands up to my elbows were coated in a prominent layer of frost. My fingertips were starting to ice over, and I instantly regretted taking off my gloves to write.
I didn't want this! I wanted to be normal, like Anna! I wanted to be Elsa. Just Elsa. Not Elsa the Frost fingered. Not Snow girl. Just Elsa!
As I thought this I saw the wall in front of me start to crawl with frosty configurations.
"No, no, no! Stop!" My fingers were starting to look like they were gloved, and I panicked. I needed to let some of this go! I used to be able to! So why not now? I tried to calm my growingly rapid breathing.
"Okay, okay. I can do this." I muttered reassuringly to myself. I brought my left hand up to my lips, and blew softly, trying anything. I knew I could do it, so that had to be for something. As my breath hit my hand, I pleaded that the snow would go away.
Miraculously, the snow blew away, like it was dust waiting to be swept away at the simplest wind. Grinning hopefully, I blew the glaze off the rest of my hand, and then the other. I knelt up on the chair then, and reached for the wall. Maybe it would come off the wall just as easily. But, as I reached my hand forward, I grew nervous. I wasn't sure, I mean, my hands, I could do, but a whole wall?... I don't know about that...
My uncertainty didn't help much, because as my hand touched the wall, a bold design of a beautiful snowflake crawled from the center of my hand onto the wall. I instantly drew my hand away in fear of what I might do. But even then, the design grew, covering more of the wall in intricate patterns. I tried clearing my mind.
The snowflake didn't look mean... and it couldn't hurt me.. the cold didn't bother me, so how could it? As long as I made it go away before my parents could come inside, I would be alright... right? My parents would still love me as long as they never saw the snow from me. And for now, what was holding me back, my parents were busy having a meeting with some duke in a neighboring kingdom. Though they were due back the next morning... but I could figure this out by then, right? Right! I mean, the snowflake was just that. A snowflake. It wouldn't hurt me! It couldn't! Because I was the princess, and the snow and frost, and ice... they were just like a prince, or a friend! As long as I was nice to him, he would be nice to me. I could be friends with these things I made, and if I used my proper princess manners, they would use theirs and respect me, right?
No harm in trying.
A grin lit up my pale face as I looked down at the icy chair I was standing on. Before I could do anything, I wondered how it was that I could stand here. I was at an odd angle, and ice is supposed to be slippery! When I used to play with Anna, she would slip on the ice every time she tried walking! I cautiously stepped down from the chair, looking at it scrutinizingly.
My examinations were cut short however, when I heard the light rap rap-rap rap rap of Anna's small fist on my bedroom door, some fifteen feet away.
"Do you wanna build a snowman?" I heard her call in. I frowned. The last time she'd done this was a few weeks ago! And she picked the day I was finally starting to figure things out, to knock on my door, and ask me if I wanted to go play? I'd told her a gajillion times before;
"I'm busy, go away!" And I said it again today! I was trying to control my power, and she was distracting me!
"How about ride our bikes around the halls?" She asked, I could practically hear the pout in her voice. But she still had hope. Sigh.
"No, Anna. I told you already! I'm busy!" I called back out, my temper rising slightly. The tingling chill went down my spine, and I felt the air around me drop in temperature as I glared toward the door.
Why couldn't Anna just leave me alone, or bug me some other day, so I could figure myself out for once! It seemed every single time I would get close to reaching that passing of fear, that confidence to try and hone my powers, Anna would ask me wanna build a snowman? all innocent like. But what she wasn't able to realize, was, no matter how much she asked I couldn't build a snowman! I forgot how!
I felt the change in air, and the frost on my head, the lacey texture of it covering my skin as it did the wall and some of the floor. I wanted to cry, but it were as if the tears were frozen in my eyes, constantly there reminding me of my pain, but never able to fall and relieve me of the ache in my heart, put there by my inability to be good enough that my parents would allow me to play with my sister.
They loved her without thinking, but because I had a problem, they couldn't love me unless I tried hard enough to be good. Unless I suppressed all I felt. Until I could conceal instead of feel, not letting my feelings in...
"What could you possibly be busy with! You say that every time I ask to play! I think some company is overdue, I've started talking to the pictures on the walls. It's gets a little lonely, with all the empty rooms. The gates are closed, there are no other kids! Even when I want to play, I know there's no hope! You hate me, so you won't come play with me! It's not fair to me. You're the only friend I can have, you never play anymore." Her voice had fallen, she was so sad.
I remembered when we used to play together. There was so much life in the castle. Even then there weren't a lot of other kids, but Anna and I were able to play together, the two of us were unstoppable! Elsa and Anna! The funnest couple of kids ever seen. As her voice became more and more forlorn, I began to feel my temperature cooling, and some of the ice around me stop spreading. I walked to the door.
Anna didn't understand. I was forbidden to play with her unless I could control my powers. Those were the rules! And if I broke them, who knows what could happen to me! I wanted to go play, but I didn't want mom and dad to hate me! I wanted them to love me, and if I did a bad thing like playing with Anna when that could hurt her, I don't know if they would forgive me.
As she finished her little speech, I slid down the door, so I was sitting with my back was against it. Through the door, I could hear Anna just on the other side, right near where my head was. I could imagine her sitting as I was on the other side.
"But don't worry, Elsa. You're still the very bestest big sister I've ever had. And I love you anyway. I know you're nice. You're just only playing and being nice inside of your room, and won't let me in. I know you're a good person though. One day, you'll say yes. One day, we'll be friends again." I knew she was going to leave then, and I wanted to tell her not to. I wanted someone around. I wanted to be Anna's friend like I never had before. But I couldn't. Not now, maybe not ever.
It had been a billion years since Anna left to run around and do her own thing. I had been sitting thinking the entire time. Was I a good person? Did my mom and dad really love me?
Eventually, I was brought out of my thoughts. I could stay in my mind forever, but I needed to do something! The air was frigid to a point that I could see my breath and all the walls were covered in a layer of ice. I had sit still and felt sorry for myself for long enough, now was time to act!
I sighed and stood up tentatively. There was ice everywhere by now. Coating all the walls and most of the furniture and floors. I pressed my eyes closed; I just wanted all of it to be gone! I didn't want this! Any of it!
I opened my eyes and with a reassuring breath I faced my reality. I walked around the room examining the ice on all surfaces. It was odd, there were swirls and shapes etched into the ice as if someone had come along with their hand drew the designs in with their finger. But that certainly couldn't be. There were other spots that looked like they'd been carved in with a knife. Those were the more interesting spots, they were scenes from my childhood. Anna and I playing in the great hall, making snowmen, and a billion other things, intricately traced into the ice.
I stared in wonderment, trying to believe that I had done this. I couldn't have, could I? This certainly wasn't destructive, and thats all I was. A torturer. I hurt people because I was careless and mean... Or was I? How could something supposedly destructive produce something so pretty? So kind and tame? This couldn't be a totally bad thing then, could it?
I was starting to gain confidence and I reached forward and traced my hand against the ice. I laid my palm on the center of the design. The whole scene splayed out from a snowflake swirl at my eye level. It was impossible and amazing. When my bare skin touched with the ice, I was surprised by the warmth it held. It wasn't cold at all! It was like I was standing under the noonday sun in summer.
A small curious smile spread across my face. This couldn't be a bad thing. Mom and dad just didn't understand the beauty.
Mom and dad.
Dang it. I had to make it all go away so mom and dad wouldn't get mad at me. They would yell... And I didn't think I could handle that right then.
I scrunched my hand up and I felt the ice start to seep away. As my hand slowly neared a fist, all the ice disappeared and I frowned; the warmth I'd felt when the ice encased me had fallen away, and the room was suddenly freezing.
I walked away from the wall and toward the diary I'd left sitting on my table.
Oh diary! Its the most amazing thing!
And for those next few hours I wrote and sang. I was normal for that small time, and I was happier than I'd been in a long time.