Disclaimer: A Metamorph is a Terrible Thing to Waste
It was summer at the stately Malfoy Manor and Draco was busy doing what he always did over the holidays: plot how best to defeat his nemesis, Harry Potter. The door opened and the boy was pulled out of his musings by the arrival of his father and the man's shocking state.
"Father, what happened?" Draco gasped. Half the man's face was swollen black and the set of his jaw seemed to indicate that he was missing teeth.
"Harry Potter jumped through one of the windows into the sitting room, knocked me out with one manly punch to the jaw, and then repeatedly had sex with your mother in your bed." The man paused. "She says that it's the best sex she's ever had, that Potter was both kinky and imaginative along with being much better endowed than I am. I just regained consciousness and thought it best to inform you of what had happened."
"Wh… what?" Draco sputtered.
"I don't know how you managed to annoy him to the point that he decided his only recourse was to invade the manor, knock me out, and repeatedly have his way with your mother, just never do it again," Lucius commanded firmly. "Understand?"
"Yes, father," Draco squeaked.
"I mean it. This incident has left me with a wife that's assured me I'm not man enough to satisfy and you with a bed that will bring to mind all the deviant things that Potter did to your mother every time you sleep in in. I do not believe either of us would like to find out what the results of annoying him a second time would be, do we?"
"No, father," Draco replied weakly, looking as if he wanted to vomit.
"Good. I'm going to go to St. Mungos to get the damage to my face repaired. Let us never speak of this incident again and let us never acknowledge the fact that Potter repeatedly sodomized your mother in your bedroom on your bed, that he probably used several of your possessions as sex toys meaning that they've all been up every one of your mother's orifices, and that he will likely be doing so again at every opportunity. Just assume that she's going to visit Potter every time she goes out for any reason in the future."
"I…" Draco tried to force down the images that were invading his brain.
"I would also advise you to hope she doesn't brag to all her friends in the bridge club about how good he was or you'll have a number of people very unhappy with you for being the cause of Potter cuckolding the majority of the male pureblood population. Think of what your friends are likely to do to you if they have the misfortune of walking in on Potter enjoying their mothers."
"I… yes, father," Draco squeaked. "Um … I"
"Spit it out, boy."
"Could I perhaps change bedrooms, get a new bed, and burn all my things?" he asked hopefully.
"No, son, no you may not. I want you to think about exactly where your quill has been every time you do a homework assignment, what your robes were used to wipe up every time you put them on, what your wand went up every time you cast a spell, and what part of Potter has been in your mother's mouth every time she kisses you. Be grateful that the elves set your room to rights before I had a chance to order them not to." With that, Lucius walked away from the boy without so much as a second glance. The man waited until he was out of sight to shift back to 'his' favored form. Platinum hair turned pink and a couple inches of height were lost as an impressive set of breasts expanded from a formerly flat chest.
"Did you do it?" her cousin's voice demanded from his hiding place in the all-concealing shadows.
"I did," Tonks agreed. "Now will you forgive me for helping Dumbledore keep Harry locked in that place with those people?"
"How long did you keep him there last year?" Sirius demanded.
"All summer," Tonks said in defeat.
"Did you help put him back this summer?"
"Yes," Tonks admitted. "But-"
"So do you really think one little favor like this even comes close to making you even?" Sirius demanded.
"I suppose not," Tonks sighed.
"Damn right it doesn't," Sirius barked. "Or would you rather spend a few months in the pit of spiders with Remus? I'm sure there's enough room for two. Just think of how it would advance the relationship you were hoping to have with him."
"NO!" Tonks said quickly. "I'm happy to do anything I can to make things up to Harry!" She put an impossibly wide smile on her face. "See? Happy!"
The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, two weeks earlier:
It was some time after the end of the school year before the Order assured themselves that their Headquarters was still secure enough to serve as a meeting place after the death of its owner. As the start of the meeting drew ever closer, all of the members took their seats around the long table, turning their attention to the man at its head. Albus Dumbledore waited quietly, nodding to each brave soul as they arrived. Never had he been prouder, never had he been more pleased to have been blessed with such good and loyal friends.
"Before we begin," Dumbledore's rich voice filled the room moments after the last member took their seat. "Let us take a moment to remember Sirius Black: a good man, an honorable man, cut down all too soon, a man who died in service of the light."
"To Sirius," Remus said tightly. "Don't worry, old friend, we'll take care of Harry for you."
"To Sirius," the rest of the Order echoed.
"To bloody me, is it?!" an angry voice boomed. "Rich, coming from a group of useless wankers who didn't even wait for my body to get cold before pissing on my grave!"
"S-Sirius?" Remus stammered. "Is that you?"
Every eye fixed on a point of light in the middle of the room as it rapidly grew into the glowing form of one Sirius Orion Black.
"I had one request for you, one bloody request and that was to make sure Harry had a good summer," the ghost said coldly. "I'd like to note that you failed to carry it out."
"Sirius, you have to understand that he's safest with the Dursleys," Remus stammered. "I don't like it any more than you do but-"
"Silence!" the ghost interrupted. "Do you know what I hear when you speak, Remus? I hear Dumbledore's stooge trying to justify why he betrayed his brother's son and ignored another friend's dying wish in favor of keeping his tongue up a senile old bastard's ass." The ghost turned. "I hear you telling me that friendship meant nothing in the face of that." His glare settled on Tonks. "Ties of blood meant nothing." His gaze swept over the rest of the assembled wizards and witches. "Even doing the right bloody thing meant nothing to you bastards because the oh so great Albus Fucking Dumbledore told you that you were doing good by doing wrong. You disgust me."
Dumbledore rose to defend himself. "Sirius, you have to understand that all I've done was in Harry's best interests. Surely you realize that."
"We don't like it, but it's necessary that he stay where he is to keep him safe," Remus said loudly, trying to justify his actions to himself, trying to think of anything that would make his best friend rescind accusations that cut to the quick.
"The fact that you seem to believe that is the reason that he's no longer your concern," Sirius snapped. "I've decided to take care things personally since it's obvious that I can't trust any of you worthless bastards to do it for me."
Dumbledore sighed. "Severus, I need you to go check on Harry. Make sure he hasn't left his relatives' house. "Remus, I need-"
"KREACHER!" Sirius's specter shouted.
"Yes, bad translucent master?"
"Remember that plan I thought up just so I could disappoint you by telling you that we wouldn't be using it?"
"Yes, possibly not bad master?" the house elf asked hopefully.
"I don't think it went far enough," Sirius's ghost said with a sadistic grin. "But it'll have to do for now. Be sure to let me know if you think of any improvements."
"Yes, great and cunning master!" the house elf cheered.
One by one, the members of the Order fell through suddenly appearing trapdoors or got swallowed by sections of wall until Sirius's shade was alone in his sitting room.
"Dobby!" Sirius bellowed.
The unstable elf appeared with a pop of displaced air. "What can Dobby do for the great Harry Potter sir's deceased dogfather?"
"You can help me give Harry the best, most educational summer ever," Sirius replied. "In my top dresser drawer there's a cut-out ad from a paper and a sack of gold coins. I want you to give them to Harry and get him to the address in the ad."
"This will make the great Harry Potter sir happy?"
"It'll give him the best summer a boy could have," Sirius assured the elf.
The smallest bedroom, Number Four Privet Drive:
Harry was in his room as he'd been all summer, boomeranging between sorrow and rage as he'd been all summer. His godfather was dead and it was all his fault. He should have listened, should have thought, should have done anything but what he did.
The boy shuddered as his thoughts went, as they always did, to his friends' injuries. None of them had needed more than a week in the hospital wing to recover, all of them could have been worse, could have been fatal.
The former Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, ten days later:
Tonks wasn't sure how long she'd been in her cell, a converted storage area just large enough to lie prone if she drew her knees to her chin and just tall enough to stand if she were a head shorter. Never in her life had she been happier to have been born a metamorph as adjusting her proportions allowed her to find some measure of comfort.
The girl looked up when the translucent form of her dead cousin slid through the door.
"Nymphadora," the ghost said calmly. "I hope you're finding your temporary accommodations comfortable?"
"Temporary?" the metamorph asked, a spark of hope growing in her ample breast.
"I figured that between you, Remus, and a couple others, at least one of you would turn out to be a decent human being so I ended up with one cell too few. Something it won't take Kreacher long to fix."
"Let me out of here, Sirius," she demanded.
"Not enough room for you then?" Sirius asked. "That's a surprise, it's almost double the size of what Harry grew up in."
"'The closet under the bloody stairs' is what was in the address block of his bloody letter," Sirius growled. "Still think bloody Dumbledore is always bloody right?"
"I didn't know," Tonks admitted. "Sirius, you have to believe me, I knew it was bad for him growing up but I didn't know it was that bad. I mean, I saw it wasn't great when I was guarding him, but it was never like that, I wouldn't have just stood by if it was like that."
"There are only two ways you're going to get out of here, cousin. The first is to put you somewhere worse," Sirius said bluntly. "Tell me, cousin, how do you feel about spiders?"
The girl gave an involuntary shudder.
"Remus feels the same way," Sirius said cheerfully. "Kreacher got really enthusiastic about collecting the little buggers after he found that out, there are enough in Remus's pit that you can't even see the walls or floor."
The girl shuddered again.
"So, cousin," Sirius continued. "What would you say if I were to tell you that there was a way to avoid that? I was going to give the opportunity to both you and Remus in a week or two, but unfortunately for him we're a bit low on polyjuice. at the moment."
"What do I have to do?" Tonks asked instantly. Willing to do almost anything to avoid the fate Sirius had promised her.
Number Four Privet Drive, ten days earlier:
Harry was deep in the pits of self recrimination when Dobby popped into the smallest bedroom shortly after his conversation with the boy's godfather.
"Is something wrong, Harry Potter sir?" Dobby asked curiously.
"Dobby?" the Hogwarts' student's shoulders dropped as the question registered. "Yes."
"What's wrong, Harry Potter sir?"
"I got my godfather killed, I got my friends injured, and I'm stuck here," he replied, listing off three of the biggest reasons for his funk.
The house elf nodded to himself, seemed the boy's insane godfather had been right. "That's why Dobby is here, Harry Potter sir. To make everything better."
"Harry Potter sir's ghostly godfather sent Dobby here with a message and a portkey."
"Sirius is a ghost?"
"Yes, Harry Potter sir," Dobby agreed, wondering why it was that humans saw the need to repeat things so often.
"What's his message?"
"Harry Potter sir is to go to this place." Dobby handed him a scrap of newspaper. "With this portkey." He handed the boy an obscene statue. "With all of his things." A wave of his hand packed Harry's things and a snap of his finger shrank the trunk, which was then handed over. "Eight thousand golden galleons." Dobby handed over the slightly lightened bag while making a note to punish himself after he'd gone through his new sock collection, it was amazing how many you could buy with two thousand galleons. "And sir's godfather will meet him on the platform before he goes back to Hoggywarts."
"Thanks, Dobby," Harry said, feeling in a bit of a daze. The boy's eyes landed on the scrap of newsprint and he began to read: 'Have an exotic adventure with Lovegood and Daughter travel, We'll take you all around the world with multiple stops in every port you desire. Hidden caverns and secret passages a specialty.' Harry read the last section of the ad aloud. "No request too strange, no location too odd, no equipment turned down. See big O double D Lovegood." What followed were a dozen letters that Harry couldn't make heads nor tails of, at least not in the short amount of time he had before the portkey activated.
The former Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, ten days later:
Tonks did her best not to let her eyes stray too much as she walked through the house's unsurprisingly well stocked and spacious dungeon. Bad enough she had to listen to her cousin's commentary without burning the images into her mind as well.
"This machine was invented by our great…" the ghost paused. "I forget how many greats, grandmother Serenity Black." He paused again and gave her a look of expectation.
"I don't want to know what it does any more than I wanted to know what any of the other things did," Tonks said dully.
"Too bad. You see, she liked castrating people so much that she designed this machine that grows a temporary set of testicles on anyone, male or female, just so she could have the pleasure of removing them. It's powered by the pain they feel when their eyes are burned out with acid, which it also does." The ghost drifted to a heavy steel manhole cover. "And this is where we have Remus."
"Is … is he going to be okay down there?" Tonks asked, thinking of how cold and miserable the man's cell was sure to be.
"Of course he is, he's got plenty to drink," Sirius assured his cousin. "One of the sewage pipes rusted through and the drainage isn't the best so he'll be fine."
"Urp." Tonks took a moment to force down the bile. "What about food?"
"Well?" she prompted, hoping she could use that to lever Sirius into giving the werewolf better accommodations.
"Are spiders edible?" The ghost grinned. "If you don't know, I could certainly arrange for you to find out first hand."
"Never mind," Tonks said quickly.
"Alright then," Sirius agreed cheerfully.
"I think it's time you let me out of here, my boy," Dumbledore's muffled voice demanded through a nearby door. "I'm afraid that my poop bucket is full and I have nothing to eat."
"You've got poop, don't you?" Sirius replied, eliciting a shudder of disgust from his cousin.
"My dear boy, this prank of yours has gone on long enough. I demand that you let me out of this cell right now!" Dumbledore demanded, trying for stern after his first ploy failed.
"If you don't like your current accommodations, I suppose that I could put you in with Snape," Sirius said with a deep grin, eyes lit with an unholy glee. "Do you want a first hand look at what I devised for him?"
"On second thought, I think it best if I stay here for a bit longer to contemplate my many sins against your godson," Dumbledore's muffled voice sounded contrite. "Let me thank you again for giving me the opportunity to do so in solitude."
"I thought you might say that," Sirius said. "Come, Tonker, we have work to do."
"So what do I have to do?" Tonks asked nervously despite knowing that whatever it was was sure to be better than the pit of spiders and a full poop bucket.
Ron's bedroom on the second floor of the Burrow, two days later:
The youngest of the Weasley boys was on his bed flipping through a Quidditch magazine when he heard a knock on his open door.
"Son," Arthur announced himself. "Can I talk with you for a moment?"
"Sure, dad," Ron agreed. "Come on in."
"I just want to begin by letting you know that your mother and I love you and that we'll accept you no matter what you decide." Arthur put a comforting hand on his boy's shoulder.
"Um … okay, dad," Ron agreed, wondering where the conversation was going.
"I understand that you've been having public rows with the Malfoy boy since you met him on the train," Arthur stated.
"Yeah, never got along with the slimy snake eating bastard," Ron stated, not knowing how much he'd regret his choice of words in the near future.
"You don't have to pretend, son," Arthur sighed. "It was … still is, the same way with me and his father."
"Bet you really gave it to him a few times, eh, dad?" Ron asked with a grin.
"You could say that," Arthur agreed with a grin. "I dare say more than a few times, too."
"You'll have to tell me about it some time," Ron said eagerly.
"I will, son," Arthur promised before turning serious again. "I don't know what it is, but there's just something about Malfoys and Weasleys that make us unable to resist each other."
"Yeah, I – what?"
"You tell each other that it'll be over after you leave Hogwarts, then over after you get married, then over –" Arthur interrupted himself with a bitter laugh. "Well, I think you can guess how well we were able to stick to our plans. 'Bout as well as you and Draco would be able to keep your hands off each other, I'd wager."
"What?" Ron choked.
"Lucius and I never had the courage to go public with our relationship," Arthur continued. "Just know, that you boys have our support if you decide to. If not, do what I did, find a wife that's understanding enough to let you share your heart with someone else."
"What?" Ron squeaked.
"I'm sure I've given you a lot to think about," Arthur said, rising from the bed. "If you can spare the time, your mother'll be coming up soon to give you some ideas on what sort of witch to look out for and a few ways to help her become more understanding about your relationship. One of our favorites is to share everything with each other, there's nothing your mother enjoys more than Lucius and I teaming up to … well, I'd better not spoil things."
Arthur's Shed behind the Burrow, five minutes later:
Tonks felt dirty as she shifted back into her normal form. Still, she thought to herself, it was still loads better than how dirty she'd feel and be if Sirius decided to put her back with the rest of the Order.
"Well?" Sirius' ghostly form demanded.
"It's done," Tonks confirmed. "Just …"
"I can understand why you had me have that conversation with Ginny about how sharing is caring and how much more fun harems are than monogamy, but why in Merlin's name did you have me do something so cruel to Ron? It's not like he had the power to do anything to change Harry's situation. Are you still carrying a grudge for the way he turned on Harry during the bloody tournament?"
"Nah," Sirius laughed. "For one thing, the fact that you think Ron really turned against Harry shows that you know nothing about how friendship works." The ghost snorted. "The fact that you have to even ask a question like that proves it. I had you do that to Ron for the same reason I left the Weasleys out of my plans for the rest of the Order, because they're Harry's friends and they've at least tried to do right by him."
"Then … uh …"
"Ron only pretended to betray Harry because he was hoping that whoever was behind the whole thing would try to recruit him. Bit of a long shot, I know, but sometimes you bet on long shots to help your mates."
"Tonks, where's Harry right now?"
"I don't know," the woman admitted. "You haven't told me."
"I haven't?" the specter pursed his lips. "Huh, thought I had."
"Well you haven't."
"I found him the most depraved prostitute I could and hired her to give him the works," Sirius said proudly. "He's going to have her all summer and he's going to learn everything he needs to know to please a dozen witches at the same time."
"A prostitute?" Tonks echoed weakly.
"And her daughter," Sirius added. "Can't forget that or the fact that the mother has double D's. Harry's gonna have the best summer ever." He didn't even know most of the sex acts the letters after her name indicated she was willing to perform. Shame he had to die since that meant he wouldn't have a chance to find out or participate. Also a shame that he was so busy expressing his displeasure to the Order that he couldn't even go along to watch. Ah well, he knew his godson was doing him proud and that was going to have to be good enough. "Which of course is why we're pranking his best friend."
The Rookery, ten days earlier:
The portkey deposited Harry onto the doorstep of an odd chess piece-shaped house with a garishly painted door, one that looked to have been painted by a legion of colorblind pixies on copious amounts of psychotropic substances. With only the barest hint of hesitation, the boy raised his hand and knocked on the door.
Arthur's Shed behind the Burrow, ten days later:
Tonks stared at the spectral form of her cousin, figuring that a moment of contemplation might make sense of the man's statement. It didn't of course.
"What do you mean, 'which of course is why we're pranking his best friend'?" Tonks demanded, hoping desperately that Sirius's mental state was due to a combination of Azkaban and death rather than some genetic disorder.
"People prank their friends," Sirius explained patiently. "Like the time I sold James into slavery or the time I almost got Remus to eat Snape." Something, he later admitted, which was a bit cruel to the werewolf since no one should have to have any part of Snape inside of them. "Harry's too busy to prank Ron, so as his godfather it falls upon me to do it for him." He shook his head sadly. "Don't worry, after we're done with all this I'll help you find a friend if you haven't already been seduced by Harry's manly charm and joined his harem."
"You don't have to do that!" Tonks said quickly.
"Settled on the harem then?"
"Uh …" Of the two, it was probably the safer choice. "Something like that," Tonks agreed, figuring that telling her cousin just how little she liked the idea of being in a harem was probably a tremendously bad idea.
"Ha! Knew the fact that you were related to me meant you had some sense," Sirius said smugly. "You were just led astray by Dumbledore's bad influence." He nodded proudly. "Looks like Black blood breeds true after all."
'God I hope not,' Tonks thought to herself as she followed her cousin's spectral form to her next errand.
The Hallway, Second floor of the Burrow, four minutes later:
Hearing her mother's voice and her brother's scream and knowing that meant that there was entertainment to be had, Ginny stepped out of her room and walked to her brother's for what promised to be a riotously good time.
"Mum, do you know why Tonks came into my room disguised as you to convince me that I'd be willing to share Harry with a number of other girls for the greater good?"
"Probably another of the Headmaster's crazy schemes," Molly said absently. "Just play along like we always do and try to stay out of the way when it fails."
"Do you know why your brother's like …" Molly waved a hand at her catatonic son. "I came in to talk to him about something and he just went like this."
"Um …" the girl turned red as she figured a way to use the conversation she'd overheard to provide herself with a bit of quick amusement.
"Out with it," Molly ordered.
"I overheard Ron and the twins talking through the heating vent," Ginny said, avoiding her mother's eye.
"And the twins said that if you wanked too much, you'd lose your mind," Ginny admitted.
"He does do a lot of wanking," Molly mused.
"I … uh …"
"I figured it was just another one of the twin's stories, but …" Ginny trailed off.
"What else did they say?" Molly prompted, figuring the boys had put up some sort of ward to replicate the effects of their tale and hoping to get as many clues as possible on what to expect next.
"I don't know, mum," Ginny said.
"You don't know?" Molly asked flatly.
"I put up some silencing charms so that I'd never have to risk hearing my brothers have a conversation about wanking again. I know I'm not supposed to use magic over the summer but –"
"You did the right thing, dear," Molly assured her daughter. "There are some things a well brought up young lady shouldn't hear. I'd say that her brothers talking about how much they like to wank would be near that top of that list."
"Thanks, mum." Behind her back, Ginny's wand twitched as she cast a charm that would put the image of a naked Draco Malfoy reclining on a bear skin rug, lips pouting as he shot a come-hither look at the observer, timed to appear when Ron awoke the next morning. People were always expressing sympathy for the fact that she'd had to grow up in the same household as the infamous Weasly Twins, people who lacked the intelligence to realize just how much one could get away with with two perfect scapegoats on hand at all times.
The Rookery, ten days earlier:
Harry braced himself as the door opened to reveal a blond man about Sirius's apparent age with a big, bushy, imperial style mustache, its tips curling almost to the tips of the man's ears.
"May I help you, young man?" the man asked with a face-splitting grin. "Are you perhaps the client we've been waiting for?"
"Um, I'm Harry Potter, sir," he stated. "I was told to come here for an exotic adventure."
"Then you are our client," the man said grandly. Professor Xenophilius LaGrange Lovegood, but you can call me Odd."
"It's a nickname I got from my initials," the man confided.
"Um … nice to meet you, sir, um, Odd," Harry replied.
"And of course you know my lovely daughter, Luna," Odd stated grandly, waving at a familiar-looking blonde who smiled widely. "You say that you're our client, where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Harry admitted.
"You don't?" Odd nodded as if Harry had just said something profound. "Do you know why you want to go?"
"I do, daddy," Luna volunteered after it became apparent that no answer was forthcoming.
"So long as someone does," Odd agreed. "Make sure not to tell us. We don't want it spread too far. You have your things packed, Harry?"
"I do," Harry agreed.
"Good. Any questions before we begin?"
"What do all the letters after your name mean?"
"Academic titles and awards mostly," Odd replied, whipping out a business card. "This one is for my Doctorate of Science in cryptozoology from Miskatonic University, this one's my Mastery of Dark Arts from Durmstrang, and –"
"You went to Durmstrang?" Harry interrupted.
"Only for my first ten years of formal schooling," Odd agreed absently. "As I was saying, this other one is for my double major at IOU."
"Illuminati University," Odd said proudly. "Bachelors of Science from C period T period H period U period L period H period U period, that's the College of Temporal Happenstance, Ultimate Lies & Historical Undertakings and a Bachelors of Arts in journalism from the CoC, that's the College of Communications."
"Daddy went though all seven years on a Smith and Wesson scholarship for academic merit," Luna added proudly.
"What's the 'O' stand for?" Harry asked, seizing on the one question that he thought had a chance of being answered without creating a dozen more.
"You're not cleared to know that," Odd replied seriously. "Oh, and this last one is for the time I beat Frankie Avalon in a surfing contest to become king of the beach." The man stared at his business card. "I think this one was for the time I won a skiing contest so a group of teens would stop harassing some nice developers I met while searching for the elusive rocky mountain oyster."
Woods outside the stately Bones manor, three weeks later:
Tonks tried not to fidget as she crouched in the blind Sirius had forced her to construct to spy on her boss. She was going to get fired, she just knew it even disguised as Minister Fudge there was no way she was going to get away with whatever Sirius was going to force her to do.
"Alright then," Sirius's ghost said cheerfully. "Things should kick off any time now."
"What should kick off?" Tonks asked. "What is it I have to do this time?"
"Well, a big group of Death Eaters is about to attack your boss and I thought we'd foil it," Sirius explained. "Course if you'd rather watch her get killed …" he could always check to see if the house elves had procured enough polyjuice to give Remus his second chance.
"No, I don't want that," Tonks assured the man. "Why didn't we just alert the Aurors? Are you worried they might have been compromised?"
"I alerted you, didn't I?"
"I'm one person. I'm guessing that there will be significantly more than one person on the other side."
"So it would have been helpful if we could reverse that. Having significantly more people on this side and them outnumbered."
"Guess that would have been helpful, wouldn't it, pity we didn't have the time for it," Sirius said thoughtfully. "Something to consider for next time anyway."
"Why didn't we have the time for it?" Tonks demanded. "All you had me doing all morning is visiting random pureblood women disguised as other random pureblood women to tell them how great Harry is in bed."
"Exactly. We have to remember our priorities."
"And …" Tonks sighed heavily. "Of course. Just know that if I get killed, there's no way I'm sticking around to keep you company."
"Why would you get killed?" Sirius asked. "Just remember the plan; jump out, scream the battle cry I taught you, and make a couple pelvic thrusts. Trust me, they'll run."
"The one I taught you while you were building this hide," Sirius clarified.
"That's the battle cry you want me to use?"
"While disguised as Fudge."
"I'm not going to yell that," Tonks exclaimed.
"Why not?" Sirius demanded petulantly. "It'll scare them and it has the added advantage of getting the Longbottom family annoyed at Fudge for using their ancestral battle motto."
"Because some things are too cruel to sub– wait." Tonks rewound the conversation in her head and confirmed that, yes, she had heard that. "'It's sodomy time, bitches' is the Longbottom family battle cry?"
"Yup," Sirius agreed. "It's how they got their name in the first place."
"Nice try, Sirius," Tonks snorted. "But I'm afraid that I'm not gullible enough to fall for that."
"No, really," Sirius persisted. "It was originally Stretchedcolon, well, whatever the translation for that is in the old tongue. Didn't you ever wonder where General Edward 'Sphincter Destroyer' Longbottom got his nickname?"
"The general that put down one of the goblin rebellions in the most unspeakable way possible," Sirius replied, looking at his cousin like she was an idiot. "Didn't you pay attention in History class?"
"That was in History Class?"
"Seven years of Hogwarts and you didn't even learn the basics," Sirius said sadly. "Looks like the wards are going down. Make me proud out there or suffer the consequences."
"It was 'it's sodomy time, bitches' you wanted me to yell, right?" Tonks asked nervously. "Knowing what the stakes are, I really don't want to yell something else by mistake."
The stately Bones manor, twenty minutes later:
Amelia smiled as she ended another of her opponents. Another thirty seconds and her niece would be safely away and out of danger, seconds she planned to purchase with the blood of her foes. The Director of Magical Law Enforcement held no illusions about making it through the fight alive, she'd heard enough to know that Voldemort himself was coming to finish her. It gave her a sort of perverse sense of pride to know that the evil bastard was too afraid to face her without first tiring her with minions.
"It's Sodomy Time, BITCHES!" a familiar voice cried arrogantly. "OH YEAH!"
"Did you hear that?" one of the death eaters asked nervously.
"Shit!" another exclaimed. "It's the Longbottoms."
"I knew they were just waiting for us to let our guard down."
"Let's get out of here!"
Amelia blinked dumbly at the now-empty battle field. What in the hell had just happened?
"Are you alright, boss?" the Minister's weedy voice asked.
"Auror Tonks, I presume," Amelia said dryly. "Is there some reason you're here impersonating the Minister?"
"Uh, about that …" her Auror stammered, trying valiantly to think of something to say that was only slightly incriminating.
"It was all part of my cunning plan to rescue you," Sirius announced proudly as he drifted into the conversation. "You see, there are a shortage of good breasts in the world," he explained. "Letting them kill you would mean one less pair … unless you were going to turn into a ghost, that way they'd have stayed perky forever." Sirius scratched his spectral chin. "And possibly that you'd be available for me. Anyone know if ghosts can have sex?"
"There's one in my attic, why don't you find out?" Amelia suggested.
"Think I'll do just that," Sirius agreed. "Wait for me at Headquarters if I'm not back in an hour, Nymphy."
Amelia watched the ghost disappear into her manor house before fixing her Auror with a Look. "Was that Sirius Black?" the Chief of Magical Law Enforcement asked calmly.
"It was, boss," Tonks agreed glumly.
"I see." Amelia considered the situation. "In that case, let me rephrase my earlier question since I presume he's to blame for your current form: is there some reason you haven't done anything about the fact that you're being haunted by the ghost of your mass murdering cousin?"
"He was innocent and never got a trial, boss," Tonks said weakly.
"And?" the older woman prompted, sensing that there was more to the story.
"And he had access to one of the premiere libraries on Dark Magic in the country along with a bunch of time to figure out counters to everything anyone could think of."
"What's that have to do with you helping him?"
"He's got a sadistic psychotic house elf that'll follow his every order so long as it's evil and he had access to one of the premiere dark arts libraries in the country along with a lot of time to figure out all sorts of horrible things. I don't help him, I end up back in a cell with nothing but a poop bucket if I'm lucky."
"And if you're unlucky?"
"The pit of spiders and a rusted-through sewer pipe for when I got thirsty."
"What else has he been up to aside from saving my life?"
It was like a dam burst. Tonks told her boss everything, from the pit of spiders, to the pranks, to Dumbledore's only option when he became peckish, to what little she knew of Sirius's plans.
"Wait." Amelia did a mental count to ten. "He had you doing what all morning that kept the rest of the Department from being notified of what was happening here?"
"He had me disguised as various pureblood women telling their friends how great a lover Harry Potter is," Tonks repeated, sounding dead inside. "I had to …" the Auror sniffed. "I had to make detailed comparisons on why all their husbands didn't measure up. He … he made me use visual aids and … and … and interpretive dance, boss."
"Interpretive dance?" Amelia pretended not to notice the fact that her Auror had burst into tears. "Never mind. You mentioned he had something planned for Harry Potter?"
"Don't know much about that, boss."
"What do you know?"
"This may sound hard to believe, but he says he sent Harry off to get a sexual education from the world's most deviant prostitute and her daughter."
"I'm afraid that does not at all sound hard to believe," Amelia sighed.
"Really?" Tonks squeaked, having harbored a hope that Sirius was just fucking with her head.
"Let me tell you a little something about Sirius Black. To start with, he got thrown out of Auror training after being caught in a compromising position with two of his instructors," Amelia stated. "Neither witch was under one hundred, but, in his words, you don't turn down a girl-girl-guy threesome for reasons as trivial as age or how many teeth your prospective partners have between them."
Amelia conjured up a pair of chairs, this was going to take a while.
"After that, he got kicked out of Healer Training for telling witches that they were in need of a 'Sirius Injection' with accompanying pelvic thrusts. Oh, and he got caught in a compromising position with the Hospital Administrator's wife and mother, neither witch under one hundred and fifty kilos, but, in his words, you don't turn down a girl-girl-guy threesome for reasons as trivial as size or who has a better beard."
The Director of Magical Law Enforcement automatically accepted a lit cigar from her house elf.
"There were credible rumors that he impregnated one of the professors when he was a second year," Amelia replied. "I know I caught him trying to steal my underwear when I was Head Girl and he was a firsty."
A full glass of scotch was placed in her other hand.
"He once had sex with a goblin on a dare; there was no dare involved in any of the subsequent occasions. He invented a glamor in his fourth year that made him look older, this was so he would be allowed entry into houses of ill repute."
She finished her scotch and lowered her glass for a refill.
"He went thorough a number of jobs after his failed careers in medicine and Law Enforcement. He was fired from the ministry as a regulator because he told a butcher that before he'd inspect the shop the butcher's daughter would have to inspect his meat. He was fired as a dance instructor because he told every female student to follow the lead of the skin flute. He was fired from his job as a dog groomer because he was caught in a compromising position with a dog and its owner. In his words, you don't turn down a girl-girl-guy threesome for reasons as trivial as the number of legs they walk on."
Tonks almost asked if Sirius had been in his animagus form when he was caught, then decided she really didn't want to know.
"So yes," Amelia finished. "I find it quite believable that Sirius Black has sent Harry Potter off for the summer with the most degenerate prostitute he could find. I'll alert Vice to keep an eye out for him and St. Mungo's to get ready to treat every strain of VD known to magic."
"Thank you, boss."
"Just keep your head down and I'll see what I can do to get you freed from the pickle you've found yourself in."
"Yes, boss, please, boss, thank you, boss," the Auror babbled, overcome with emotion at the thought of being free.
Malibu, California, two weeks earlier:
Harry gratefully accepted Luna's hand up from the prone position the portkey had deposited him in.
"Take a look around, Harry," Odd said grandly. "Smell that wonderful salt air, feel that wonderful sea breeze, catch one of those delicious seagulls. There's no place like California."
"Daddy comes here every year to help his friends by winning a surfing contest," Luna added helpfully.
"What's say you give it a try, Harry. I could use some competition in the big contest," Odd suggested with a grin.
"I've never surfed before," Harry admitted.
"You're good on a broom, aren't you?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed, perking up.
"Wonderful. Just remember that surfing is absolutely nothing like riding a broom and you'll be fine."
St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, two weeks later:
The Chief Healer stared at the Auror for a number of minutes as the horrible news sank in. It wasn't possible, it couldn't be possible. Similar thoughts raced through the heads of his number two and three as they digested the news.
"Are you alright?" the Auror asked, wondering if he should summon help for the group of immobile healers.
"Say … say that again," the Chief Healer ordered. "The thing … the thing about Black."
"Director Bones says you need to lay in stocks of whatever you need to treat venereal diseases because of the ghost of Sirius Black."
"Sirius Bloody Black," the number two healer said in disgust, breaking out of her shock. "You know he's still wanted for questioning in Australia over the fact that koalas started testing positive for chlamydia after he visited?"
"Pity they deported him before they realized," another healer sighed. "Just think how much better life would be if he'd been under quarantine for all this time."
"Potters would be alive for one thing," the Auror said thoughtfully.
"And now the bastard's figured out a way to spread the pox even as a ghost," the Chief Healer finished with a sigh. "How?"
Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, eight days earlier:
Lavender grinned widely when she noticed her best friend walking into the shop and energetically waved her over.
Parvati slid into her seat with a raised eyebrow. "So what's this gossip that's so good that I had to drop everything and get here as quickly as possible?"
"They put out a special issue of Teen Witch Weekly on Harry Potter's latest adventure."
Wordlessly, Lavender just slid the newest issue of Teen Witch across the table. Parvati glanced at the cover picture, a doughy middle-aged man wearing a black leather speedo and a black leather mexican wrestlers mask adorned with a white 'X' across the face, then hurriedly looked around for a garbage can to barf in.
"Look at the headline," Lavender prompted.
"Harry Potter defeats the evil Surfer-X and is named king of the beach?" Parvati read. She quickly flipped to the article in question and began to read. "Who's Eric von Zipper?"
"There's another article providing background in the back. Eric von Zipper is the leader of an evil motorcycle gang that's been keeping teens from enjoying the beach. By beating his champion, the mysterious and equally evil Surfer-X, Harry Potter's opened the beach for everyone."
Parvati turned the page and unfolded the centerfold. "Wow."
"Yeah, who knew Harry was hiding all that under those loose, unfashionable clothes."
"Certainly makes all the stories about him more believable after you see the scars," Parvati agreed.
"Forget the scars, check out the muscles." Lavender leaned in close. "It's like he spent his whole life doing hard labor. Rowr."
Malfoy Manor, one month later:
Draco's eyes were red and bloodshot. He hadn't been getting much sleep since the awful conversation with his father about how Potter was repeatedly sating his lusts with the matron of the Malfoy family. Nor had he been able to force himself back to his room even once in that time, choosing instead to sleep in the kitchen under the sink after reasoning that it was the one place in the house least likely to have played host to Potter's unnatural designs on … the boy dry heaved.
"Does my presence disgust you?" a cool voice hissed.
Draco snapped to attention upon finding himself in the presence of his master. "No, my Lord. I was thinking about Potter, my Lord."
"I see." Voldemort's snakelike eyes narrowed. "You have heard of Potter's dalliances with the wives of my men?"
"Y-yes, my Lord," Draco agreed, swallowing another mouthful of bile.
"Then you no doubt realize that this represents an unacceptable leak. One made worse by the fact that I cannot just murder all those involved, at least not without leaving myself without an army."
"No, my Lord."
"Good. Which is where you come in." A single finger traced Draco's jawline. "With your delicate features and pouty lips, I'd wager you have no difficulty finding companionship when you desire it."
"None at all, my Lord," Draco stated.
"Potter has used seduction to get information from me." Voldemort smiled. "Through you, I shall use the same tactic to gather information from him."
"Y-you want me to seduce Potter's pet mudblood?" Draco exclaimed.
"No. You may rest assured, young Draco, that I would never order a pureblood to sully themselves on a mudblood. Especially not after seeing your reaction to just thinking about half blood Potter. No … no, I have another target for you to pursue."
Hermione's Bedroom in a two bedroom house in Crawley, three days earlier:
Hermione double-checked her study plan to be sure of her schedule: first she needed to re-edit her homework assignments for two hours, followed by thirty minutes to eat breakfast, then five minutes to brush her teeth, another hour of editing, and then she'd have the rest of the morning to read. After a moment of thought, she reduced her breakfast time to twenty minutes and her tooth brushing time to three. A minute here, a minute there, and pretty soon you were talking about a real savings.
St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, eight days later:
With a sigh, the healer stepped out of the ward and back into the waiting room to tell the patient's family the verdict.
"How is he?" Molly demanded.
"Mrs. Weasley, I'm afraid your son has suffered a terrible shock. One which may take him some time to recover from." He put on his professional reassuring smile. "He'll be fine, but I'm afraid he's going to need some time to rest."
"Will he be able to go back to Hogwarts next week?"
"Possibly," the Healer allowed. "But I think that it would be best for him to spend a bit more time here to help deal with all that happened to him. Even a failed attack of … of that sort is traumatic and your son needs to be somewhere he feels safe while he recovers."
Undisclosed location, five days earlier:
Tonks shivered in relief as she shifted back to her standard form and the disgusting feeling of unnaturalness faded into memory.
"Well?" Sirius demanded.
"I'm not doing that again," Tonks said firmly. "No matter what, I'm not shifting back into that … that thing ever again. There's something about it that … no matter what, I'm not doing it again."
"Alright," Sirius agreed. "But you did what I told you to, right?"
"I gave the orders, I mooned McGonagall, I arranged for Peter to get picked up, and …" she sighed. "And I did that other thing you wanted me to do."
"Good," Sirius said with a grin.
"Which I still say was both cruel and … well, cruel covers it."
"Do I need to explain about how friendship works again?"
Platform nine and three quarters, two weeks later:
Harry landed confidently and took a careful look around to assure himself that the portkey had deposited them in the correct location. It had.
"Looks like we're here," he said.
"Looks like it," Luna agreed. "I'm going to miss spending so much time with you, Harry."
"About that." The boy licked his suddenly dry lips. "Luna, there's something I need to ask you. I'm … I'm hoping that you'll say yes, but you don't have to if you don't want to."
"Yes, Harry?" the girl prompted hopefully, her heart pounding in her chest.
Ron's bedroom on the second floor of the Burrow, one week earlier:
Ron carefully checked to make sure that the charms protecting his ceiling from again playing host to the most awful image imaginable were still intact before shucking his clothing and crawling into bed.
"I was wondering when you'd get back," a deep throaty voice purred into his ear.
Ron's eyes squeezed shut. 'Please don't be who I think it is, please don't be who I think it is, please don't be who I think it is!' he thought desperately to himself. With a deep breath, the boy opened his eyes and …
Director of Magical Law Enforcement's office, three days later:
Amelia's eyebrow raised in surprise when she saw who walked into her office. Now what in the hell did Voldemort's moneyman's wife want with her?"
"Amelia," Narcissa said tightly. "I understand you have my son in one of your cells."
"I do," Amelia agreed calmly.
"I've come to bargain for his release," Narcissa continued.
"What could you possibly have that I'd want?"
"I'll give you the Dark Lord and enough evidence to get the majority of his followers the kiss or a lifetime in Azkaban."
Amelia had to force herself not to break into a grin. "Including your husband?"
"Including Lucius," Narcissa agreed. "In return I want my son to be released into my custody and full control of Lucius's fortune."
"That's not going to happen," Amelia said flatly, having to fight with every fiber of her being not to agree immediately. "Your son needs to answer to his intended victim for what he tried to do."
"Oh, alright." Narcissa pouted. "I suppose I could also throw a million or so galleons at the Weasleys to keep them from raising any objections. Will that suffice?"
"So long as you're also willing to relocate yourself and your son to another country," Amelia agreed, hating the necessity of the deal she was making.
"Fine," Narcissa agreed. "It's best to be away from here and the memories of what the Dark Lord forced my son to attempt anyway."
"It was on his orders then?" Amelia asked.
"It was," Narcissa confirmed. "To think that he's be so monstrous as to order my precious boy to do such a thing." Her nose scrunched up in disgust. "It'd be different if it were one of the better families like your own or the Abbots," Narcissa continued. "But a Weasley." She shuddered. "I refuse to allow my progeny to be with someone so … so … common."
Master Bedroom on the third floor of the Burrow, three days earlier:
Arthur and Molly shared a look as Ron's terror-filled scream echoed through the house.
"I'll go see what it is, you be ready to call the Aurors or St. Mungo's," Arthur ordered.
"Be careful," Molly replied.
Platform nine and three quarters, eight days later:
Sirius perked up when he noticed his godson approach with a pretty blonde on his arm.
"Get lost, Tonker," the specter ordered. "Consider yourself free if you don't see me in the next two days."
Needing no further encouragement, the metamorph popped out as quickly as she could, intent on going somewhere with wards that would keep spirits away.
"Hey, kid," Sirius said as soon as Harry came within earshot. "Who's the girl?"
"This is Luna," Harry introduced his companion. "I asked her to be my girlfriend and she's said yes."
"I asked as soon as I got to the station," Harry explained. "It was the first thing I did."
Sirius grinned, proud that his godson had managed to pull a girl within minutes of his arrival. "Good on you, Harry."
"I'll go get us a compartment while you have your conversation," Luna said, wanting to give her boyfriend a bit of privacy. After a moment of indecision, she kissed him on the cheek. "I'll see you on the train."
"Not dating for five minutes and she's already getting you two a private compartment," Sirius teased.
"Hermione and Ginny'll be there, too, so it's not like it'll be private," Harry replied with only the barest hint of a blush.
Sirius's grin widened, not dating five minutes and he'd already managed to talk her into a girl-girl-girl-guy foursome. The ghost blinked away a couple ectoplasmic tears. "I guess this is it then."
"Harry," the ghost began seriously. "Ghosts stay because they feel they have some unfinished business. Mine was you and the fact that I'd never been able to give you the kind of life you deserved."
"You did it, Sirius," Harry choked as his godfather began to fade. "You gave me the best summer a boy could ever hope for."
"That's all I wanted." The now mostly transparent figure had a serene look on his face. "Goodbye, Harry, live a good life."
"I will, Sirius," Harry sobbed as his godfather faded out. "I will."
The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, two weeks later:
Kreacher raised a glass of butter beer in toast to the greatest master he'd ever had. Pity the man had died before showing himself to be a true Black. The mistress would have been proud.
"Hello," Dumbledore's voice could be heard faintly through one of the vents. "Is anyone there? I think it's time for me to go back to Hogwarts."
AN: Inspired by one of Dogbertcarroll's many ideas. Had a vague thought about writing Harry's summer as a companion piece; would have had him going around the world with the Lovegoods experiencing various plots from bad teen movies. Decided that having to watch enough bad teen movies to do the idea right was a bridge too far.
Beta, some ideas, and a bit of dialog about Sirius's seriously smutty past by Luan Mao
Typos by mjihde, Lucinda
Omake: Shock and Awe
"What a guy," Amelia said with a shake of her head. "My god if only I was half the thinker Black was."
"Boss?" her current aide asked in worry. It was not generally thought a good thing to compare one's self favorably with Sirius Black.
"Bastard outfoxes us all," Amelia explained. "Sent everyone on a wild goose chase to every red light district, low rent whorehouse, and deviant escort in the world to find the boy who lived while . . ." she laughed. "While sending him on a world tour with the Lovegoods so that even if someone figured out who had him, they'd have never been able to find him."
"You'd have to think like a Lovegood to even have a chance of figuring out their route," her aide said in understanding. "I'm not sure the drug exists that lets you do that and remain coherent enough to pass any information along."
Filius sighed in contentment as he settled into his new chair. Shame about his colleagues mysterious disappearances, but not worth looking into at the risk of endangering his new job. Who knew the Headmaster had it so good?
Omake by Luan Mao: Loving Around the World
"Dobby!" Sirius bellowed.
The unstable and excessively devoted elf appeared with a pop of displaced air. "What can Dobby do for the great Harry Potter Sir's diseased dogfather?"
"If you says so," the house-elf replied doubtfully, glancing at the off-silver blotches around the ghost's private areas. "But what can Dobby do for you?"
"You can help me give Harry the best, most educational summer," Sirius replied. "I want Harry to experience every kind of sex possible."
"Dobby doesn't bend that way, diseased dogfather. May Dobby swap with girl elf to do the educating?"
"What? No! You got it all wrong. In my top dresser drawer there's a newspaper folded to an advertisement, along with a sack of gold. I want you to give them both to Harry, then get him to the address in the ad. Xersephina, the Love Goddess. What more could any young man ask?"
"This will make the great Harry Potter happy?"
"If that doesn't do it, nothing will. She'll take him around world. Twice."
"Mr Great Harry Potter Sir! It is time to be waking up and having fun and learning lovey things!"
"Buh? Huh? What? Dobby? What are you doing here?"
A few jabbered words about "dogfather" and "love goddess" and "around the world" and a newspaper thrust into his hands had Harry understanding.
"Thanks, Dobby! And thank Sirius, ah, Sirius's ghost for me. I can't believe what a great thing he's done. Anything is better than being stuck here, but this is ... it's ... it's just *great*!"
"You go now, Mr Harry Potter Sir. Take Knight Bus and Dobby will get your stuff and clean it and not fondle your socks and bring your stuff to you."
Within minutes, Harry was reading the address from the newspaper to the bus's driver, and soon enough was dizzily stepping into a small office.
"Harry! What a pleasure to see you here. I had expected you to be held incommunicado as you always are when not at school."
"It's good to see you, too, Luna. So... I have an ad for being taken around the world? Supposed to be educational, and just the thing for a young man during the summer break?" Harry showed Luna the folded newspaper.
"Oh, yes. Daddy ran that advertisement a few months ago to raise money to fund our expeditions. Sadly, you are the only young man to have answered the ad."
"Only young man? Did... Does that mean some older men came to you?"
"Yes, but Daddy turned them all away. They simply weren't suitable for what we had in mind."
"So, ah, I got this along with the newspaper. Is it enough? For you to take me around the world for the whole summer?"
"Oh, my, yes. We'll have to check with Daddy - he handles all the finances - but I think what you just pulled out of your trousers will keep me with you for the next two months. I hope you're ready for the ride of your life!"
As Luna dragged him off by the hand, Harry left his newspaper on the desk, showing the advertisement for Xeno Lovegood's 1996 Around the World Xenological Expedition and its invitation for wealthy adventurers to join them. He had never noticed that on the other side of the fold was an advertisement for the Love Goddess. It was just as well. All summer long, Harry was exposed to strange beasts and plants. Harry was exposed to new cultures. And Harry was exposed to Luna, just as she was exposed to him, and they ended up practicing almost everything that Madam Xersephina could have showed him.
Omake by Shalon Wood
"Wait," Tonks asked. "You're saying that Sirius' plan to have you spend the summer having all sorts of depraved, degenerate sex didn't work?"
Harry opened his mouth to answer, then paused. Finally, he said, "It didn't work the way he thought it would, but I'd have to say that overall it succeeded in ways he never could have expected. At least, given the way the prostitutes in that one bar in Bangkok were blushing when Luna gave them that impromptu lecture, and the one who fainted, I can't imagine any of them being able to teach _her_ anything. It's weird... the ones in Amsterdam just took notes, no blushing or anything. I would have thought it'd be the other way around. The ones in Bangkok didn't even know what a Bangkok Sling was!"