The day you died my world drained of colour and it never came back.

The day you died a part of me died too. All I am is body and mind, my heart and soul are with you.

The day you died your best friend wept until she exhausted herself. When she woke she cried until she lost her voice.

The day you died Christian burned down a room because you were not there to tell him what to do like you always did.

At your funeral, Adrian Ivashkov didn't touch a drop of liquor. He said there was no point, the pain couldn't be dulled.

Your mother took some time off work, six months. Abe stayed with her.

The day you died I should have been there. I should have been there to throw myself in front of you. Sometimes I wonder if you were taken as a punishment because I wasn't supposed to put you first.

Once I wondered if I should hate you because you left me.

Left us.

Lissa said she'd lost the last of her family and they prescribed her new medicine.

Hating you might make it easier but it isn't true, you didn't choose to leave.

The day you died was not the last time I heard your voice. After your funeral I back to our room. I sat on our bed with a gun in my hand knowing if I put it to my head I would see you again. Simply as if I had my hand on the handle of the door you stood behind. So I put it to my head and then I heard you.

Cop outs, cheats and cowards.

That's what you said. That's what you called people who used guns.

How could I meet you being either of them? You didn't love a coward.

I worry you think I'm a coward or weak but I'm doing my best.

It was 34 days until I heard someone laugh and the noise confused me.

I'll look after Lissa, Christian and their children. I'll do that until I'm no longer capable because I know it's what you'd want. I know you'd also want me to move on but I'll tell you what I told my mother. I don't want to. I don't want to rebuild on the ashes of what we had.

The day you died my happiness burned down with our future.

Sometimes Lissa forgets and I catch her looking for you in a crowd. I never forget, not even in dreaming, and I wonder which is more painful, having to remember you are not here or never forgetting.

The day you died a part of us died with you.

I walked Lissa down the aisle. I hope you saw that, I think you would have liked it.

She didn't have a maid of honour.

We don't talk about you a lot because it hurts too much but on her wedding day we left the party for a little while and we talked about you. What it would have been like if you were there. She said it would have been perfect. She had an idea that you would have made a speech that would embarrass Christian and make her proud. I took her back to her husband before it became too much. I know you would have been pissed if she was upset about you on her wedding day. Then I left because all I could think about is how we would never have one of our own.

My mother says the light has left my eyes.

Ofcourse it has, the light has left my life.

The day you died I wish the rest of me had died too.

My mind and body are here and they are looking after the people you care about. I know if things were reversed you would try to move on. You would no doubt find someone to love you and you could love them too. I would want that for you but that is not for me. My heart and soul are with you Roza and I don't want them back, not yet. I'll come to collect them someday when my mind and body are done in this world.

I will not cop-out, that's the deal I'm making with you.

The day you died started the wait to be with you again.

I miss you.

I love you always.

Dimitri.