Jurassic Park: The Abridged Edition

Summary: Want to gobble down your favorite Spielberg flick in fourty obscene minutes instead of ninety? You're in luck…

English Humor/Adventure Rated: T Chapters:1 Words:

a/n: I'm in the progress of rewriting "Stowaway" and converting it into a much better, much cleaner story called "Out of the Mist". While you guys wait, here's a profanity-laden recap of the movie we all know and love. This little project draws inspiration from the amazing "A Very Foul Mouthed Recap" by The Recapper of Badassery, in the sense it's an obscene summary of "Jurassic Park". You guys ready? I'm not.

Okay, here we go.

"Jurassic Park". The cheesy orange font of your childhood.

Here we are in some forbidding forest where a bunch of men in hats are trying to transport a crate into a fenced paddock of some sort. Judging by their weaponry and solemn expressions, I highly doubt they're doing anything dangerous.



Robert Muldoon: *thoroughly British demands*


Velociraptor: mmm totes delicious

Badly edited cut to a guy on a tiny-ass raft. This whole movie, despite being great and everything, is strangely edited. But no one cares about that. Or the guy on the raft, who is, in fact, a total asshole. Like of all the assholes in the world, he's the most total and complete of them all. You could walk into this movie with absolutely no prior knowledge and see him and be like "WHOA son he's the king of the assholes".

His name is Donald Gennaro. Little tidbit for those who cannot speak Spanish, the guys pulling him in on the tiny-ass raft say "bet you a billion dollars he falls in". Unfortunately, nothing that great happens in this film (at least, not until later). He gets pulled onto the shore of this strange little place that isn't really a place? And he immediately starts complaining like the total and complete asshole he is.

The dude he walks with is pretty cool, though. They walk on some super precarious rocks and Gennaro slips and almost falls on his face and off in the distance, you can hear me cheering. They talk about Hammond, who was supposed to be there but isn't because his daughter's getting a divorce (just hold the fuck up on that, I'll get to that shit later), and go into this super tiny mineshaft thing. Total Asshole bangs his head on this ceiling thing and everyone laughs. They talk about Ian Malcolm, even though he contributes like less than nothing to the park itself, and then Alan Grant (cue half the girls in the audience creaming themselves).



A goddamn mosquito.

(Everything up until now is the part of the movie that you can totes skip because it's not really interesting and besides, Mr. DNA covers all this shit later on.)

We got to Montana now, where a bunch of super tan grad students are digging up a skeleton that is weirdly perfect in its preservation. Like, hot damn, that bitch must have laid down and died the most gorgeous death ever, because that skeleton is beautifully preserved. Some guy tells Alan that they're ready to try the computer again and we get a good look at his face. He's wearing sunglasses and looks vaguely like Indiana Jones. He hates computers. A lot. One killed his father or something, I don't know.

His super cute GF tells him the feeling's mutual. She's Ellie Sattler, cutie and bad-ass extraordinaire. They walk over to the little computer station thing, holding each other's butts (no really, they like hover other each other's asses, it's kind of cute).

They get to the super complicated computer terminal, because, as you must remember, this is the nineties. They start up this needlessly complicated generator thing and start talking paleontology. Alan touches the computer and it goes blank. It's pretty funny, because he looks like an old man who can't work FaceBook. Alan launches into some crackpot theory that dinosaurs turned into birds and then ascended to heaven or whatever. Then some asshole kid makes the mistake of saying the Velociraptor on the screen doesn't sound very scary.

Alan gives him this look like "BITCH I'MMA FIGHT YOU HOLD MY BANDANA ELLIE". So then he goes about traumatizing this annoying kid with a totally fake- - I MEAN totally real Velociraptor claw that literally looks like half a horseshoe. He traumatizes the kid (this is totally random, but that kid has eyelashes like you wouldn't fucking believe, I mean, DAMN) and then Ellie's like "damn why am I in a relationship with you" and Alan lays on some pretty heavy foreshadowing about kids.

He must've broken a big rule about movie foreshadowing, because a helicopter suddenly drops out of goddamn nowhere and starts fucking shit up. Like it's causing massive pandemonium. Alan runs over to the copter to tell it to high-tail it outta here, but the pilot keeps pointing at the trailer. Alan runs through a clothesline, totally destroys a perfectly nice pair of nineties jeans, and walks into the trailer.

(Okay, complaint time. I usually excuse most of the plotholes in this movie, because I love it, but this one really bugs me. HOW THE HELL DID HAMMOND GET IN THE TRAILER WHEN THE HELICOPTER LITERALLY LANDED LIKE SIX SECONDS AGO? I have this vision of Hammond like repelling down from the helicopter and gliding into the trailer and breaking every bone in his old man body.)

There's this quirky, somewhat evil guy in the fridge. He's standing in the middle of Alan's trailer and pops the cork on this bottle of champagne that he and Ellie were tOTES saving for their sexy night together. And Alan's like "motherfucker we were saving that do you know how hard it is to get champagne in Montana?" and Hammond's like "shut up you were saving it for today."

Alan gets all up in this old guy's face with his same old "I'mma fight you" look and then this guy introduces himself as John Hammond and you can literally see Alan piss himself out of sheer terror.

Ellie stomps in, looking like she's about to cut a bitch up, and she's like "OKAY WHO'S THE JERK?" and Alan's like "bitch it's time to shut up the Monopoly Man is here". She shakes his hand and looks like she's about to pass out.

Hammond then goes about convincing them to come out to his "special" park for the weekend and then endorse it, because it's TOTALLY safe and TOTALLY a great place for kids. He puts on this huge musical number or whatever, and Alan's like "really? We just fucking got here." And Hammond's like "I'll fund your dig" and Alan's like "uh-huh, that's nice" and Hammond's like "for the next three years."

Cut to Alan in a Hawaiian shirt with a suitcase in either hand. "WHAT THE HELL WE DOIN' 'ROUND HERE?! LET'S GET OUR ASSES TO THIS MYSTERY PARK!"

Scene does another weird cut to a restaurant in, like, Mexico or something (I don't know, I forgot). Enter a guy in the most nineties pair of jeans available for purchase. He's got a little leather case with him.

We see a guy in a Hawaiian shirt that isn't Alan Grant eating at a table. He's pretty big. Like, if someone was being chased by a dinosaur they could probably hide behind this guy and not be seen. His name is Nedry, but let's just call him Big Mac.

Mr. Jeans sits down and Big Mac says his name (it's "Dodgson", but no one cares); Mr. Jeans gets pissed because he's supposed to undercover or some shit, so Big Mac yells "DODGSON! FUCK Y'ALL, IT'S DODGSON!" No one cares.

Mr. Jeans works for some rival company that hates Hammond's company because they don't have dinosaurs or something. He gives Big Mac a bag full of bacon- - er, money and a can of Barbasol shaving cream that's actually a tiny refrigerator to put baby dinosaur fetuses in. It's actually a really good idea, except for all the horrible flaws. Turns out Big Mac's super pissed off at Hammond because the old guy doesn't pay him enough. Big Mac then makes Mr. Jeans pay for the meal he's been eating at the restaurant. My heart goes out to Mr. Jeans's wallet.

Smash cut to a helicopter flying over water. It's actually a really pretty shot and the score here is kind of upbeat and it doesn't sound like John Williams at all. Cut to the interior of the helicopter. It's Total Asshole, Hammond, Alan (wearing an Indiana Jones hat, because Spielberg miscalculated the hat budget and had to do some recycling), and Ellie (lookin' super cute), as well as Ian Malcolm. Malcolm's purpose is to provide snark and foreshadowing. Hammond really hates him, which I find really funny.

Ian asks if they dig up dinosaurs, which is kind of a stupid ass question. Everyone falls silent for like ten goddamn minutes before Ellie finally says "well…" and Alan fucking stage-whispers "we try to". I'll never understand why he fucking whispers. Anyway, Ian starts laughing and making this totally bizarre sound, and Hammond tells Total Asshole that Ian Malcolm's a rock star or something, I don't know, I wasn't listening.

Anyway, they approach the island, which is totes perfect and lush and vibrant and I totally would've gotten to see it in person had my band's trip to Hawaii not cost like a million dollars. (I'm still pretty pissed about that, but whatever.) The helicopter starts bouncing like hell and everyone puts on their seatbelt but OH WHAT'S THIS TECHNOLOGY CONTINUES TO ALLUDE POOR DOCTOR GRANT. The poor man's fighting his seatbelt and it's the goddamn saddest thing you can imagine.

They land and the theme is playing and everyone's smiling. Smile while you can, guys.

Jeeps arrive to escort them places. Malcolm, Alan, and Ellie all pile into one Jeep, and Hammond and Total Asshole take another one because their combined douchebaggery fills up the entire Jeep. They drive along and look at the pretty scenery and we see two guys in pink shirts (I don't understand why they're that God awful shade of pink) close these electrified fences behind them (HMM THAT'S SUSPICIOUS).

Total Asshole starts lecturing Hammond about the park and how this isn't a vacation or whatever, and that if Alan or Ellie or Malcolm aren't totally, 100% in love with the park, the park will be shut down. Hammond tells him to go to hell.

They approach a totally innocent clearing. Hammond yells for the Jeeps to stop and he starts fucking staring down the other Jeep. Alan's the first to notice something's amiss, because he stands up real fucking slowly and feels the need to remove his hat AND his sunglasses because HIS EXCITEMENT CANNOT BE CONTAINED. He keeps staring like he's watching two dogs doing it and then he reaches down to turn Ellie's head, because she's focused on some poison plant that Hammond's dumb-ass scientists put out. She also has to take off her glasses and her jaw goes so fucking slack that you're concerned for her bone structure.

What could they possibly be looking at- - OH FUCKING SHIT IT'S A DINOSAUR

It's a Brachiosaurus (? I think?) and it's just chomping on its leaves, all chill. Alan and Ellie start fan-girling, and it's the cutest thing in the whole world. The Brachiosaurus is all like "yeah I'm pretty cool watch me stand on my hind legs and keep chewing these leaves, even though science has proved I've never done either of these things."

Alan's like "how fast can these tubs of lard run a one hundred?" and Hammond's like "WELL we clocked the T-REX at 32 miles an hour" and Alan's like "what the hell, that's not what I asked- - MOTHERFUCKER YOU'VE GOT A T-REX?" And Hammond's like "yeah, what, do you like dinosaurs? ARE YOU A NERD?"

And then Alan literally faints, like he goes "ohh" like a Southern Belle and falls on his ass like the total nerd he is.

Hammond delivers the token line because someone's gotta do it: "Welcome to Jurassic Park."

Alan looks out at the lake in the distance and we get some hella blurry shots of dinosaurs moving in herds and we never really see those guys again. Actually, what the hell were those dinosaurs doing outside of their paddocks? I'm befuddled.

Anyway, the Jeeps drive up to this big Visitor Center, which is, for some reason, unfinished. But don't worry, that empty back wall isn't part of the movie at all after this. There's this huge-ass T-Rex skeleton on display too, in case you weren't aware that this is a DINOSAUR park with DINOSAURS. Alan says they're out of the job and Ian's like "don't you mean 'extinct'?" And then Alan beats him up and throws him out the window, it's pretty rad.

They file into this little tiny theater and suddenly, there's another Hammond on the screen. The real Hammond interacts with him for a sec and they do some somewhat lively banter and I guess Hammond's just gonna stand there every time someone takes a tour, otherwise his little show thing doesn't work. But we don't care about plot discrepancies at this point because we're introduced to the GREATEST CHARACTER OF ALL TIME!

Mr. DNA.

He's this little Southern animated strand of DNA and he's so fucking cheerful. He explains all this boring-ass stuff about genetics and how the dinosaurs get made and no one actually pays attention to this scene because all the science is like 98% bullshit. But Mr. DNA makes it cool by saying "dinosaur" like "DIE-NAH-SA-OR" and being fucking cool.

The little theater thing actually moves and we see some nerds in lab coats doing science shit. Total Asshole asks if these people are "Auto… Erotica?" and I laugh like a ten-year-old every time because that's the funniest thing ever in a movie.

Alan and Ellie are fan-girling again and refuse to be contained, so they literally lift their lap bars off and run into the goddamn lab like a bunch of hyperactive six-year-olds. Hammond is uber pissed.

Captain Shang meets them in the lab. He's pretty cool- - for a nerd. There's all this science shit around and we see an incubator full of eggs that are totes innocent. Captain Shang tells us some shit about dinosaurs or something, but we don't really care because one of the eggs STARTS HATCHING. And then this super cute little dinosaur pops out- - like it's fucking adorable. And Ellie's just like "OMG ALAN I WANT ALL OF THEM" and Captain Shang gives us a lecture about how dinosaurs are all hot-blooded and female (just like me) and then Ian's a pervert ("do you go out there and lift the dinosaurs' skirts up?") and then Ian delivers some more foreshadowing. Captain Shang picks this moment to finally tell them it's a baby Velociraptor.

Alan stares at the screen all dramatically while the baby Velociraptor is being super cute in his hands.


There's this huge cage thing and there's something growling in it. Hammond's trying to lure them away with the promise of food, but Alan's finally getting smart and he's like "the fuck's in there?" We then meet our old thoroughly British pal, Muldoon, who's like "Velociraptors fuck shit up, man, we should really get rid of 'em."

Some workers lower this poor cow into the paddock thing. The poor cow is just in the harness mooing. Poor cow.

We then see all the leaves shake and hear some terrible screeching. Ellie's looking down in there like "shit, fuck this". The harness comes back out, bloody and ripped to shreds.

Hammond yells "WHO'S HUNGRY?" and whisks them away to the place of eating. Too late man, everyone's starting to call you out on your bullshit.

Cut to this little dining room place. A waiter sets a plate of… something in front of Ellie and, judging by the way she's eyeing it, it's some sort of cow. Poor cow. I literally feel so bad for that cow, you have no idea. It had no idea it was gonna be torn to shreds by a fucking Velociraptor. Ugh. Poor cow.

Anyway, this scene is kinda boring, but it's hella important. Ellie and Alan finally start explaining why this park is such a terrible idea, and Ian starts up with the chaos theory again and he delivers a really great speech about people wielding power they shouldn't have and he bangs his hand against the table really hard to prove his point and it's like a fucking smack down up in this dining room.

Hammond tries to defend himself, but all his ideas are really fucking terrible. He's all "I brought y'all down here to defend me, but Total Asshole's the only one on my side!" Total Asshole was being all greedy and shit earlier. God. What an asshole.

In the midst of their smack down, some guy whispers something in Hammond's ear and he just kind of ambiguously announces "THEY'RE HERE", because he's old and can get away with yelling shit without any previous knowledge. (For the record, "they" are Hammond's grandchildren and are apparently the park's target audience. Sorry Alan, it's for nine-year-olds, not you.)


You guys literally have no idea how much I love these kids. Like, I would go to any length to defend these precious kids, do you understand? These spectacular children are Lex and Tim, the world's most adorable and indestructible kids. They pretty much break Hammond's back trying to hug him and talk about the helicopter ride and are pretty much adorable the whole time. Meanwhile, Ellie's looking at them all matronly and Alan shoots himself in the face.

They go outside, where the world's most TACKY JEEPS are waiting. Like, these cars are fucking GREEN and ORANGE, and look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle threw up. But no one really cares because of all the NINETIES TECHNOLOGY!

Lex goes into one Jeep and she's like "WHOA A CD-ROM!" And it's adorable, because she's fucking ecstatic about all this MODERN TECHNOLOGY and I'm just like "oh girl, wait till you get an iPad."

Everyone starts dividing themselves up. Ian announces, very subtly, "YO I'MMA RIDE WITH DOCTOR SATTLER EVERYONE COOL WITH THAT?" and Alan's about to break his neck when one of the kids steps in front of him with this cute-ass smile. It's Tim, my precious baby doll. He starts fan-boying over Doctor Grant, because Alan's apparently some kind of big deal, and Alan's just like "that's nice would you mind duct-taping your mouth closed?" Ellie thinks it's adorable as fuck. Alan ends up shutting the door in Tim's face and when he turns around BAM IT'S LEX LOOKING HELLA INFATUATED

She's all "Doctor Sattler told me to ride with you and then she said we should get MARRIED HAHA ISN'T THAT GREAT?"

Alan tries to snap Ellie's neck with his mind.

Cut to Hammond in the little computer room place. He's watching everyone load up in the Jeeps. It's hella creepy. Nerdy Samuel L. Jackson tells him there's a hurricane on its way and Hammond's like "PLEASE THE FATES WILL INTERVENE AND THIS WILL GO GREAT"

The Jeeps start driving manually and Tim and Lex are like "look! It's a ghost!" and it's like, OMG you guys might as well wave goodbye to your youthful happiness right now because you ain't never seeing it again.

They approach some giant-ass doors that say "Jurassic Park" (in case you forgot what movie you're watching) and Lex, for whatever reason, says "do ya think we're gonna hit that?" NO DARLING, the cars are not gonna ram into the doors, I mean, I think your grandpa would probably do his BEST to avoid something like that.

Anyway. Richard Kiley announces "Welcome to Jurassic Park" over the CD-ROM (sorry buddy, Hammond beat you to it) and they drive into this forested park area with paddocks lining the sides of the tracks. Richard Kiley promises that they'll see some Dilophasaurus in the paddock and everyone starts spazzing out and scrambling to look out the windows. I don't know why Alan starts out not liking Tim, I mean the two of them are such dino nerds, it's so cute.

Richard Kiley lied. There are no Dilophasauruses. Everyone is hella disappointed, Alan in particular. Nice going, Richard.

Back at the Control Room (we'll call it CR), Hammond is hanging out with his best buds: Big Mac, British Muldoon, and nerdy Samuel L. Jackson. Big Mac's complaining about his low income again, even though THAT'S not gonna be a problem in a few hours, while nerdy Samuel L. Jackson (NSLJ) tells Hammond that they've got 99 problems and a T-Rex ain't one. Muldoon shuts them all up and kind of looks dramatically into the middle distance and whispers "they're approaching the Tyrannosaurus paddock".

At the Jeeps, everyone's still waiting for shit to happen. There's literally nothing there. Thanks, Spielberg. I know it worked for "Jaws" and "E.T.", but that was when you were hella poor and were working with pipe cleaners, this is LITERALLY the most sophisticated movie of your time and you won't even show a goddamn eye.

To speed things along, a goat is brought in from a mysterious platform. Lex panics and is like "it's gonna eat the goat?!" and Tim's just like "oh fuck yeah" and Total Asshole's like "what's the matter kid, never had lamb chops before?" and Lex is like "check yourself, I'm a vegetarian".

In the other Jeep, Ian's like "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs…" And Ellie chimes in with "dinosaurs EAT man… Women inherit the Earth", because she's perfect. The guys look at her, appropriately terrified.

There's nothing here. The goat's like laying down and catching some "z"'s. Everyone's disappointed again. Ian's turns up to the camera in the Jeep and says "there's eventually gonna be DINOSAURS on your DINOSAUR tour, right?"

Hammond is watching him prod the camera back at the CR. He kind of shakes his head and says "I fucking hate this guy".

As the Jeeps roll back along, Ian starts flirting with Ellie by using MATH. It's pretty hot. He keeps touching her hands and smiling coyly, and Alan's just off to the side sharpening his katana when he sees something and literally jumps out of the moving car. Ellie follows him and Ian's just left in the car, talking to himself.

Everyone gets out of their cars and follow Alan like he's some cult leader. (There's a little boring scene back at the CR where Hammond flips his shit over everyone getting out of their cars.) Tim runs back up to Alan and starts fan-boying again, and it's just the cutest damn thing ever because he really likes Doctor Grant and just wants to talk dinosaurs with him. Then Lex trips and almost falls, but Alan grabs her hand in time. He's like "you okay?" and she's like "I am now", and he can't get his hand out of hers. Ellie's laughing hysterically in the background.

Alan sees the thing he originally jumped out of the Jeep for and tells everyone to stay put. After like three seconds, Tim follows him and sees a huge Triceratops on its side in the grass. There's a fucking incompetent vet with her that doesn't know shit about anything. But Alan doesn't care because he's too busy being a giant nerd. He like lays on the dinosaur's stomach and feels her breathing and he smiles this dopey smile and it's so cute that I die a little inside.

Ellie kneels down and she's like crying because she's so happy and then the Incompetent Vet tells her that the Triceratops is sick. So Ellie, being awesome, goes about trying to solve the mystery that never actually gets solved because science is boring and dinosaurs attacking are exciting. She sticks her whole arm into a pile of shit to check out whether or not there's this toxic plant and it's great, because she doesn't give a fuck; meanwhile, Ian's like "you will wash your hands before you eat anything?" Ellie's piecing this shit together and Tim's hanging onto to every word- - actually, in the original screenplay, Tim was supposed to figure out the whole sickness thing, and earn Ellie's undying approval and an irate grunt from Alan. That would've been hella cute.

But not all of my dreams can come true. Anyway, back at the CR, Big Mac's getting ready to fuck shit up. He punches a button and suddenly, there's a huge-ass clap of thunder that scares the fuck out of Total Asshole. The button doesn't have anything to do with the thunder, but the two things happen so close together that you're like "damn, is he God? Can he control the weather?" Total Asshole whines that they have to get outta there because he's a little pussy. Ellie says she'll stay behind with the Trike and do Incompetent Vet's job for him. Alan's like "you sure?" and she's like "of course, it's not like anything terrible is gonna befall you or these super cute children already mildly traumatized by their parent's divorce".

As they leave, Hammond stares at the video feed sadly and says "that tour sucked ass" and NSLJ says "it could've gone worst, the power could've failed or something". Meanwhile, Big Mac is talking to this guy at the ship over supposed "video-chat" (if you look closely, the video of the guy he's talking to has a timeline, as in "pre-recorded"). The guy's like "man, if you ain't out here in like ten seconds, I'm abandoning your ass!" Big Mac stands up, yells "NON-SPECIFIC EXCUSE", and walks out to begin his plan to fuck shit up.

Back in the Jeep, Alan and Ian are sitting together, and the sexual tension starts mounting pretty damn quick (but don't worry, we don't see the REALLY gay stuff until "Jurassic Park III"). Alan, for whatever reason, asks if Ian has any kids; Ian has three, which is like three too many for a guy like Ian. He starts drinking from a flask and looks kind of pissed for a moment. He's like "same with wives, too" and Alan's like "you're punking me, aren't you?" and Ian's like "yeah, I'm married occasionally" and Alan goes "*cough* SLUT!"

Big Mac's busy at work stuffing baby dinosaurs into his can of shaving cream. That's a sentence I feel I don't write enough. Anyway, if you're really paying attention, you can see that the names of the dinosaurs on the embryo cage thing are misspelled. So, Spielberg creates the most innovative CGI technology of the decade, but he can't spell check the goddamn embryo cage. All right, then.

In the CR, NSLJ's like "the locking system got fucked over" and Hammond's like "nah it's cool, Big Mac gave us some non-specific excuse about it, everything should be fine".

We're in the Jeep again with Ian and Alan. Ian, very subtly, asks "YO HOW 'BOUT THAT DOCTOR SATTLER HUH YOU UP IN THAT?" and Alan gets really defensive and says "yeah", even though the most they do is hug, like, twice and kind of touch each other's asses. Ian's like "that's nice, enjoy your imminent divorce".

Suddenly, the car stops and poor Alan thinks it's because of him. Then Ian's like "no, you idiot, we just stopped".

Meanwhile, Big Mac's already on his way out of the park. It's raining hella hard now, but he doesn't care as long as he reaches the dock. In the CR, everything's going to hell very quick- - all the gates and shit are shutting down, except for the Velociraptor fence. Of course. Hammond's like "why the fuck are all the gates turning off?" Well, maybe if you paid that ONE EMPLOYEE WHO ASKED YOU WOULDN'T BE HAVING THIS PROBLEM!

Shit's getting boring… ugh. Big Mac continues to leave the park, but the rain's fucking torrential now and everything's muddy and gross. In the CR, NSLJ is trying to fix all the shit when suddenly A GIF! IT'S A WEIRD LITTLE CUT OUT OF BIG MAC AND HE'S SAYING "AH-AH-AH, YOU DIDN'T SAY THE MAGIC WORD!" and NSLJ is SO PISSED OFF, it's hysterical. Hammond's still really calm about the whole thing though, and says to call Big Mac's people (?) Like at the Ronald McDonald House? "BIG MAC'S IN TROUBLE?! WE'RE ON OUR WAY!" The phones aren't working though. Hammond looks to the side very dramatically and asks where the cars stopped.

They stopped outside the T-Rex paddock, because life is often cruel and unfair. We see Alan sprinting away from the first car and back into the car he's sharing with Comic Relief- - er, Ian. Alan says that the radios aren't working and Ian asks if the kids are scared (go Ian!) and Alan's like "the fuck is there to be scared of in this extremely dangerous dinosaur park at night?" and Ian, very subtly, says "WELL I'M NOT SCARED AHAHA ALAN PLEASE HOLD ME"

Cut to the Jeep being shared by Total Asshole and the kids. Tim jumps up from the passenger seat with these ridiculous (but totally authentic, I'm not even joking) night vision goggles. He scares Lex and then Total Asshole has the AUDACITY to yell at my baby doll like he's their father or something. Tim shoots him this tiny "fuck you" glance before smiling again and moving into the backseat. He can see Alan and Ian in the darkness; Alan's holding out his water bottle to fill it up with rain. Alan, that's nice and all, but I wouldn't be drinking water from a Jurassic Park. Alan, in a sudden fit of compassion, offers some water to Ian. The two men drink their nasty-ass water together and it's very beautiful.

It's still raining hard as hell. There's apparently no air-conditioning in the Jeep now, because Lex is using her baseball cap as a fan. She looks 150% done with this shit. It's kind of funny (but not for long because we're about to descend into heart-breaking territory). Tim suddenly grabs her hat and asks if she feels that. We're like "lol what you talkin' 'bout?" He leans towards the dashboard with this super dramatic expression and…

FAMOUS MONEY SHOT RIGHT HERE! The two glasses of water (I don't know why they're on the dashboard, don't fucking ask me) on the console are starting to ripple… like there's footsteps approaching. Total Asshole, for whatever reason, suggests that it's the power turning back on. What? Huh? In what universe does power turning on sound like footsteps?

Tim checks out the T-Rex paddock with his night vision goggles. He sees that the goat is missing- - and Lex does too, despite her lack of night vision goggles. She innocently asks where the goat is and then BAM! The poor goat's leg, all bloody and nasty, lands on the sun roof. Lex pisses herself and Tim dramatically lifts the goggles off (he's very dramatic today, I don't know why). We see the T-Rex herself, huge and hungry, swallow the rest of the goat in a single gulp.

Commence Total Asshole's most asshole move of the day. He throws open the door and runs into the rain, abandoning those precious kids.


Alan and Ian see Total Asshole run into this little bathroom stall thing on the road. Alan's all "the fuck is his damage?" and Ian's like "when you gotta go, you gotta go". Someone should tell Ian we're not in need of any more comic relief at the moment.

Poor Lex is shaking and whispering "he left us". Tiny pause here to say that Ariana Richards does a FANTASTIC job in this movie- - like, she really emotes wonderfully and pulls off the hysteria thing without coming off as forced. I adore her.

Anyway, the T-Rex (I'm just going to call her "Rex" if that's cool with y'all) discovers her rickety little fence isn't electrified anymore, so she busts that shit down and walks into the road like she owns the goddamn place. Everyone's petrified. Ian says that he hates being right all the time. Alan whispers to Ian to stay perfectly still, because Rex's vision is based on movement.

Meanwhile, Lex is searching for the "movement-increaser" she stashed in the back (I stole that from RiffTrax, I apologize, it just makes me laugh hysterically every time) and comes across the world's biggest flashlight. Like, if I threw that at somebody, it would most definitely kill them. She turns it on and shines it out the back windshield so Doctor Grant will come rescue her like a knight in shining armor. Alan's just whispering "oh my God, turn the light off", which doesn't do much because no one can fucking hear him.

Tim knows what the fuck is going on, though. When Lex shines it into Rex's big eye, Tim gives her this look like "bitch, I KNOW you didn't just do that". Then Rex gets super pissed off and roars really loudly, and these kids cover their ears and just look generally terrified. Rex is in the mood for some cute, blonde children today, so she starts nudging their Jeep around. Cue the panic.

Finally, Tim's like "TURN THE LIGHT OFF" and Lex is wailing that she didn't know and they're fighting with this big-ass flashlight that obviously doesn't have an off button and then the most frightening thing in the whole goddamn world happens (like, I literally flinched and closed my eyes when I watched this part the first time).

Rex slams her head through the Jeep's clear, plastic sunroof, forcing the kids to hold it up with their hands and feet so they don't get eaten. It's mega-terrifying, because she's literally an inch of glass away from them and you can see the terror in their eyes and it's probably the most intense moment in this whole movie.

Cut to Grant, who looks hella concerned. Cut to Ian, who has to scrub away the steam on the windshield (hmm, maybe they DO engage in some gay shenanigans).

Rex starts nudging the car even harder, since the whole sunroof thing didn't really work in her favor. We can hear the kids screaming as the Jeep starts to rock and finally, Rex turns the goddamn thing upside down. It's super awful to watch, because the kids are trapped in the Jeep and Rex is biting down on the tires and stuff and there's this shot of them trapped in the car and Lex just kind of helplessly screams "NOOO" and damn, that's true fear.

Alan decides to be a Big Damn Hero and pulls a flare out of the emergency box in the back. He jumps out of the car, waving it around so Rex will chase him and not the kids. Ian decides to be a Bigger Damn Hero and does the same thing with another flare. Alan's like "MOTHERFUCKER GET BACK IN THE CAR" and Ian's like "NO THIS MOVIE NEEDS A SWEET, REDEEMING SUBPLOT, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO END UP WITH THE KIDS!" Rex chases Ian all the way to the little bathroom where Total Asshole is hiding and she literally blows that shit away. We see Ian getting pinned down by a wall.

Total Asshole is perched on a toilet and all he can do is slick his hair back and stare up at Rex. He's like begging her not to do it, but Rex eats him anyway because he's a Total Asshole. That's what you get for leaving those precious kids in the car, douche bag.

Speaking of precious kids, Alan's on his knees in the mud trying to get them out of the flattened Jeep. Lex is calling out his name and she's totes scared, and when he finally pulls her out of the car, you can just see Alan's heart go out to these kids. You can fucking see it. Tim's stuck under the seats, because those seats are total assholes, and Alan's like "yeah okay I'm coming in to get you". Then Lex screams bloody murder and we see Rex has come back.

Alan slaps his hand over her mouth and tells her "not to fucking move or so help me". Rex starts checking them out and her breath literally causes Alan's Indiana Jones hat to spiral into the oblivion of the night ("there goes our hat budget," Spielberg sighs). Once Rex decides there's nothing there, she starts pushing at the Jeep again- - with my precious baby doll still in it.

Alan and Lex have to go all the way around the Jeep and end up on this super precarious ledge that I don't really remember there being when they first drive past the paddocks. Lex is screaming her brother's name and so is Alan, and my heart just fucking explodes because Alan now cares about the kids.

Rex leans down and looks into the car, and Tim does this scream that literally makes my chest hurt. Alan puts Lex on his shoulders and they start repelling down the side of the paddock and she's choking the fuck out of him because she's so scared and he's like "Lex, you're fucking choking me" and she's like "fuck you, my brother's being harassed by a goddamn T-Rex". He has her reach for this wire that's also on the wall and they swing out of the way, just in time for Rex to knock the Jeep off the road and into a goddamn tree.

Rex is super pissed she didn't get any blonde children, so she does this mega-sweet roar and stomps off.

Cut back to the CR, because everyone needs a little breather after that super intense scene. Hammond, British Muldoon, and Ellie are gathered behind NSLJ as he tries to figure out a way to deactivate the total shitstorm Big Mac caused. According to NSLJ, the computer didn't file Big Mac's keystrokes, so they'd have to go through every line of code. Ellie asks how many lines of code there are; NSLJ says two million. And there's this great shot of Ellie literally walking away because she's so done with this shit.

Hammond gets all crabby and tells Muldoon to get his grandchildren back (JUST the kids, don't even WORRY about those other guys that are still out there). Ellie volunteers to go with him, because she's totes bad-ass and wants to save her boyfriend from this dinosaur park. Hammond is so busy staring dramatically out the window that he doesn't hear NSLJ say that they can't get Jurassic Park back online without Big Mac.

We see Big Mac still driving to the dock. It's been like six hours and he's still not there. It's raining so hard that his glasses are fogging up and he doesn't notice this huge-ass ditch. He literally drives directly into it and starts swearing and we're pretty much beyond the point of sympathy for this guy. He gets out some rope to tie his car to a tree (? I don't understand how that's gonna benefit him at this point) and then slips and THERE'S THIS CARTOON SOUND EFFECT WHEN HE SLIPS AND IT'S THE FUNNIEST GODDAMN THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD

He falls and rolls down into the ditch and loses his nerd glasses. Then he's like "fuck this, I'll buy more glasses" and starts to climb back up. We then hear this super cute hooting sound, like a baby owl. It is not, in fact, a baby owl, but a Dilophosaur- - you know, the one Richard Kiley promised we'd see. It's just standing there looking at him. It's hella cute.

Big Mac's like "okay, that's nice" and picks up a stick to distract it with. It is not a dog, sir, it's a dinosaur. Jesus Christ, you DO need those glasses.

The Dilophosaur is just kind of staring at him curiously. Big Mac flips it off or something, and starts climbing again. Unfortunately for him, the second he gets back up on the ground, the dinosaur spits something on his shirt that looks like tobacco. Big Mac's like "what the fuck is this shit" and tries to get back in his car and makes the fatal mistake of turning his head. The Dilophosaur spits the same crap at Big Mac again, only this time it's in his face. Big Mac screams and tries to wipe it away- - actually, it looks like the black Spiderman suit. That's what it looks like.

He tries to get in his car, but he's blind now and bangs his head on the door. When he falls, the shaving cream can rolls right out of his pocket and it's like "wow, okay, what a totally unfulfilling subplot". Big Mac gets up again and dives into the car and thinks he's safe- -


There's a Dilophosaur waiting for him and just as its little mane thing starts to rattle, we cut to an exterior shot of the car. All we see is that little bitch cutting up Big Mac. Rest in peace, Big Mac.

Cut back to the storyline we ACTUALLY care about. Alan washes off his face in this big storm pipe and kind of staggers forward (I don't know why, Alan wasn't hurt or anything) and yells up at the car. Of course, Tim doesn't fucking answer.

He turns to Lex, who's still hyperventilating, and tells her to wait here so he can rescue her goddamn brother from the goddamn tree. She's still terrified and kind of just chokes out "he left us!", so Alan Grant's heart grows three sizes that day and he leans toward her and says "Well, that's NOT what I'm gonna do". But he says it in this kind of evil voice and it just makes me laugh instead of cry.

Basically everything that happens from this point on makes me cry out and reach for the screen.

Alan starts climbing the tree, which he clearly despises, and he keeps calling out to Tim and he starts mumbling about how much he fucking hates trees. It's so obvious he's scared of heights. After like four years of climbing, Alan finally reaches the Jeep (which is fucking smashed, for the record) and looks inside. My poor baby doll is curled up in the corner, all traumatized, and when he sees Alan, he just looks at him with these big sad eyes. Alan's like "uhh… you okay?" and Timmy whispers "I threw up" and EVERYTIME I WATCH THIS PART, I MAKE THIS SOUND OF SADNESS BECAUSE THAT LINE FUCKING DESTROYS ME

Alan knows less about children than he does about technology. He kind of stares at Tim for a minute like "okay, and?" and then he's like "oh. Lol, that sux." And Tim gives him this LOOK that makes my heart hurt and Alan's like "I'm not gonna tell anyone you threw up, just give me your hand". And then the idiot puts his hand on the steering wheel and the Jeep's wheels turn slightly and shit goes downhill real fast.

Alan pulls Tim out of the car and they're both clinging to a tree branch looking down, and it's so cute because both of them are hella scared of heights and Alan's like "okay, okay, we can SO do this" and Tim's like "nope, we can't", when the Jeep suddenly makes this fucking scary-ass creaking sound and falls a few inches. Alan, for whatever reason, just says "oh no" with the most "done-with-this" smile you can imagine. They start climbing down the tree, but they're mostly just falling onto branches and the Jeep is slowly falling after them. AND THESE FUCKERS KEEP PAUSING TO MAKE SURE THE JEEP IS STILL FALLING LIKE "NO NO NO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KEEP MOVING LEST YOU GET KILLED"

They fall to the ground just as the Jeep does and run forward. The Jeep goes down yelling timber and falls right on top of them. If you pay attention, you can see Grant kind of throw himself on top of Tim as the Jeep comes down to protect him from getting crushed and it's super sweet. Tim's like "back in this goddamn car again, I see" and Alan's like "least we're not in that high-ass tree".

Timmy's brushes with death: 2

Cut to Ellie and British Muldoon pulling up to the one Jeep on the road. Ellie sounds hella scared and she pretty much moans "oh God, where's the other car?" They start calling Alan's name (actually, British Muldoon yells "Doctor Grant!", which I find super funny, 'cause you can imagine Alan being like "yes, that's right, I didn't acquire a PhD to be called 'Alan'"). British Muldoon sees something remaining from Total Asshole and he's like "oh shit, I think this was that asshole" and Ellie's looking at another thing that's probably like a bunch of fingers or something, because she looks super disgusted, and she says "I think this was, too".

Suddenly, Rex bellows somewhere in the distance. They're about to high-tail it out of there when they hear a ridiculously loud moan from the pile of rubble that was once the tiny bathroom thing. I'll never know why Ian picked that particular moment to moan or why it's the most dramatic thing in the whole world. Ellie pulls the rubble off him and sees that his leg is bloodier than the goat leg from earlier and she's like "the bastard put a tourniquet on it, even though that's not what you should do in the case of the compound fracture he most likely has".

Malcolm is bleeding out and wet and half-conscious, but his snark survives. "Remind me to thank John for a lovely weekend," he musters, because we all need a little comic relief sometimes.

Muldoon's like "aw shit, his back's probably broken or something, should we chance moving him?" Rex picks this time to give another foreboding roar and Ian sits up with this horrified expression and says "please chance it".

They don't show how they get Ian in the back of the Jeep (I imagine there was a lot of swearing and accidental groping involved). Ellie's still being a Concernicus and keeps looking for the others. She sees the other Jeep at the bottom of the paddock and freaks out because she probably thinks her boyfriend died and you feel super bad for her.

Somehow, Ellie and Muldoon get to the bottom of the paddock within like six seconds. THIS WILL ALWAYS BOTHER ME, I MEAN DID THEY JUST PULL A HAMMOND AND REPEL THEIR WAY DOWN THERE OR WHAT? But anyway, they get down there and Ellie's like in tears now because the Jeep is covered in Timmy's blood or whatever, but Muldoon sees footprints leading away from the Jeep, so they automatically assume everyone's okay.

Back on the road, Ian's posing in the Jeep. He looks pretty hot without his glasses- - DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD AHAHA JUST KIDDING! He hears Rex's famous footsteps and looks down at this perfect footprint left in the mud and WHAT'S THIS THE SAME PERFECT MONEY SHOT FROM EARLIER OF THE WATER RIPPLING

Ian reacts appropriately, though. "I should be fairly alarmed here," he says. We don't know who he's saying it to. Maybe he's pretending Alan's with him to comfort himself. Aww.

Ellie and Muldoon are coming up from the paddock (DON'T ASK ME HOW I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT) and Ian yells for them to haul ass. Literally the second Muldoon jumps behind the wheel, Rex makes her big dramatic entrance. The Jeep starts speeding away, but Rex is in a pissy mood because she didn't get any cute, blonde children today.

Ian's being extremely unhelpful by saying "must go faster", as if that's gonna move this clusterfuck along. Ellie's screaming "SHIT" and Muldoon's just looking hella dramatic. We get the super famous shot of Rex's form in the side view mirror with the little "objects in mirror are closer than they appear" and everyone's like "WHOA HOW CLEVER!" They drive under a huge dead tree in the road, but Rex doesn't let that shit stop her. She stomps right through it in what is probably one of the most impressive CGI shots in the whole movie.

Finally, Rex gets tired of chasing them and goes off to sulk. Ian still looks terrified, considering he was the closest to Rex the whole time, and delivers yet another snarky line: "Think they'll have THAT on the tour?"

I'm 99% sure Jeff Goldblum got paid per sarcastic line.

Anyway, back to the story we care about! Lex hears Rex roaring unhappily in the distance and shakily asks "are you hearing this?" Alan makes the totally great decision to… CLIMB BACK UP A TREE! They start climbing and Tim's like "I fucking despise trees" and Lex is all "they don't bother me" in the most chipper voice you can imagine and Tim's like "girlfriend, you weren't in the last one".

Anyway, they climb into this tree and look out over the forest. We can see the heads of these big, cute dinosaurs that aren't like Rex. Tim announces that they're Brachiosaurs (he has recovered from the whole Rex incident pretty damn quickly). Alan is a huge nerd and cups his hands around his mouth and makes this nerdy sound that mimics the dinosaurs' singing. The Brachiosaurs all look over at him and are like "hey, check out this nerd! Ha, ha, NERD! Hey guys, let's shove him in a locker!" Lex, the only sane one, begs him not to let the monsters come over here. Alan's like "calm the fuck down, they're herbivores" and Tim goes real dark by saying "that means they only eat vegetables, but for you they might make an exception!" And Alan just kind of wearily goes "Tim" because he's their parent now and it's super cute. Lex is like "well, I HATE the other kind". No kidding, sister.

Alan leans back and the kids immediately snuggle up to him in the cutest way possible. Something stabs Alan and he's like "ahh which one of you little bitches just cut me?", but then he realizes it's just his TOTALLY LEGIT Velociraptor claw. Lex is like "what are you and Ellie gonna do now that you don't have to dig up dinosaurs?" and this question is so simple, yet it totally blows Alan away because he's realizing that everything he's worked for, all these years, has just been rendered obsolete.

So he just kind of sadly answers "we'll just have to evolve, I guess". It's enough to break your heart.

Tim takes a page from Ian's book and asks "What do you call a blind dinosaur?" Alan's like "really? Are we really doing this?" and Tim says "Do-You-Think-He-Saurus?" (The first time I heard this joke, I spit iced tea all over myself.) Alan commits suicide. Tim asks "What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? Do-You-Think-He-Saurus REX". Alan comes back to life and commits suicide again.

Then Lex says in this teeny-tiny voice "what if the dinosaurs come back while we're all asleep?" and Alan's like "I'll stay awake" and Lex is like "all night?" and he says "all night" and I CRY BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT THESE KIDS NOW!

The kids snuggle up to him and fall asleep because they've had a hella traumatizing day. Alan looks at his claw thing, sees the "Made in China" stamp on it, and throws it out of the tree.


We cut to Hammond drowning his sorrows in ice cream in this big dining room. Ellie comes in, still looking sad because her super hot boyfriend is M.I.A., and Hammond sees her and says "UM THEY WERE MELTING" so she doesn't think he's just polishing off ice cream because it's ice cream.

Ellie sits down at the table with him and says that she gave Ian another shot of morphine (it's pretty disappointing that we never see Ian high on morphine. Imagine the snark.) They sit in silence a moment before Hammond reassures her by saying "they'll be fine. Who better to lead the children through the park than a dinosaur expert?" And it's like "um, that's nice, yeah, Alan digs up bones and fucks up technology, he cannot FEND OFF A DINOSAUR WITH HIS BARE HANDS!"

Then Hammond starts spieling about this flea circus he used to have and it's this really sad metaphor to the park. Everything in the flea circus was motorized, but little kids would say they could see the fleas. He wanted to build something real that people could see and touch. Ellie insists that Jurassic Park is still like the flea circus, that it's still an illusion, and Hammond tries to play it like this whole thing was just a mistake and that "next time" he'll get it right. Ellie finally snaps and yells that he never had control, that he's playing with power he doesn't know how to use and that no one respected that power until now. And it's just so emotional and important and ugghhh.

Ellie starts drowning her sorrows in ice cream too (it's the latest trend) and Hammond whispers "spared no expense" in this big, empty dining room filled with the merchandise he was going to sell when the park opened.

Cut back to the tree full of the characters we like. It's morning now and the Brachiosaurs from earlier are starting to eat from the tree they're staying in. Alan, like Richard Kiley, broke his promise and is in the throes of the deepest sleep ever witnessed by humans.

Lex wakes up and sees the Brachiosaur eating the tree and screams at it to go away. Can't blame the poor girl. Tim and Alan wake up, and the former reminds her it's a veggie-saurus and she kind of whispers "veggie…" and it's super cute. Tim and Alan start feeding the Brachiosaur and petting it and being nerds in general, and Tim points out the dinosaur has a cold (? I don't know how he knows this, I'm like 86% sure he's a dinosaur whisperer). Alan plays tug-of-war with the Brachiosaur in what is probably the dorkiest scene in the whole movie, but he's incredibly happy, so no one cares. After seeing Alan play with it, Lex starts warming up to the dino and asks if she can touch it. Alan's like "just think of it as a big cow" (cue flashbacks to the poor cow that got mangled by Velociraptors, ugh, now I'm sad again). Lex giggles cutely and says she likes cows. She reaches out to pet the Brachiosaur- - only for that bitch to sneeze all over Lex. Tim, being the lil' cutie he is, yells "GOD BLESS YOU" after her, while his sister just kind of sits there, covered in snot.

Lucky for us, the next scene is still our favorite characters. They're walking in the forest. Lex is generally disgusted by the mucus still on her and Tim complains that she'll never try anything new and that she'll just spend the rest of her life online, being a nerd (check yourself Timmy, you and Alan are getting dinosaur boners every ten goddamn minutes). They keep fighting, but Alan has stopped because he sees… EGGS.

It's a bunch of empty, hatched eggs. He looks at them with the most serious expression you can imagine and the kids finally come back to see what the fuck he got distracted by this time. Tim's like "but Grandpa said all the dinosaurs were girls" and Alan's like "well, Timmy, when a woman loves a man" and then he goes about explaining this total bullshit theory about the amphibian DNA in the dinosaurs made some of them grow dicks or something, and then he quotes his boyfriend: "Life found a way". He points to some little footprints leading away from the eggs and Lex and Tim look at the footprints with the most apathetic expressions you can possibly imagine, like "yeah, that's great, can we please get a fucking move on?"

CUT TO IAN MALCOLM IN THE MIDST OF HIS PHOTO SHOOT. Seriously, the guy has his fucking shirt unbuttoned and he's fucking posing on the table, it's so ridiculous.

Anyway, we're in the CR with all our old buddies. Everyone's pissed off because shit's still in flames. Hammond wants NSLJ to turn off the system, but NSLJ's like "motherfucker, that shit's gonna get us all killed". They start arguing about the lysine contingency, which is some thing that does a thing and destroys all the dinosaurs. But NSLJ is still hella reluctant and won't do it.

Hammond chooses this moment to start caring about shit. He yells "PEOPLE! ARE! DYING!" and tells NSLJ to just do it already. NSLJ's all "hold onto yo butts" (which I'll never truly understand, what good will grabbing my own ass do?) There's this needlessly complicated process to turning all the shit off; when he does, the whole place is plunged into darkness. They wait in the darkness and then NSLJ flips the switch again. Nothing happens.

Everyone's like "fuck this, we're screwed."

Then NSLJ sees the magic words on his computer monitor- - "system ready". For whatever reason, that means the power will sort of come back on if he goes on a super complex journey all the way across the compound. He goes out by himself, which is, of course, the most intelligent decision to make in a terrifying dinosaur park.

After NSLJ leaves, Hammond's like "okay, he's totes done for, let's all go into the safety bunker that we probably should've gone into six hours ago".

Cut to Tim describing a typical track practice for me: "I'm tired… I'm hot… and this is going on forever." Alan's like "quit your bitching, there's only like a mile left" and Tim says "oh, good". They're all walking in this big opening clearing. Suddenly, there's dinosaurs!

They're small and are running together like the antelope herd that killed Simba's dad. Tim, for whatever reason, has a mini-stroke trying to identify them, but we eventually learn that they're called Gallimimus. Lex quietly says "are those meat-eating? Uh, meat-a-sauruses?" Alan continues to be the world's biggest nerd and gushes about how they move like a flock of bird. Tim gives this great "oh shit" smile and says "they're, uh, they're flocking this way".

He and Lex run like hell, but it takes Alan like ten goddamn seconds to start running as the flock starts chasing after them. He catches up to the kids really quickly though, and leads them under this huge dead tree (there seems to be a surplus of huge dead trees in Jurassic Park). Once the herd is past them, they crawl under the tree and watch the herd.

Rex bursts out of the woods, searching for her cute, blonde children. She decides these little bitches will do and starts eviscerating one. Poor Lex is getting more and more traumatized with every passing second, but her nerdy traveling companions are captivated by Rex's eating habits. Lex is like "I wanna go now" and Alan's like "shut up, look at how it eats" and Lex is like "PLEASE" and Alan goes "bet you'll never look at birds the same way again" (because, of course, traumatizing children is his hobby) and Lex is like "go NOW" (she's got the only common sense in the group) and Alan's finally like "FINE Jesus Christ I GUESS we'll get away from this highly dangerous dinosaur".

They start running away, but Tim's still standing there transfixed and he's like "look at how much BLOOD" because he is, in fact, an eight-year-old boy. Alan runs back over, scoops him up, and carries him away.

Back in the bunker, Ellie's like "okay, guys, not tryin' to freak y'all out but it's been like seven years and NSLJ still isn't back" and Hammond's like "OHH NO NEED TO WORRY" and he tries to fucking equate Jurassic Park to DISNEY LAND. Oh, Jesus Christ, imagine the shit at fucking DISNEY LAND coming to life and hunting down kids. (Kind of like the plot of "Escape from Tomorrow", except it'd be exponentially LESS disturbing.)

Ellie doesn't want to sit around for this shit to resolve itself, so she decides to go out there and find NSLJ. This is why I fucking love Ellie. She's super cute and smart, but she's such a bad-ass and so freakin' determined to get shit done. She and Muldoon start prepping with guns and walkie-talkies and shit, and Hammond, this guy, has the fucking NERVE to say "it should really be ME going… 'cause I'm a… and you're a…"


She struts out with Muldoon, because they're CLEARLY the real heroes of this movie, and Malcolm's like "damn, you just got told".

They walk out into the world of the outside, looking generally terrified. Muldoon, for whatever reason, is wearing his daughter's socks. He's got the gun though, so whatever.

They go past the Velociraptor fence, which was somehow turned off and is now completely empty. Cue the whole audience simultaneously pissing themselves. Ellie and Muldoon kind of just stare at it like "well, that's still not the WORST thing that's happened in the past twelve hours", and keep moving until they're in this little wooded area. Suddenly, Muldoon gets all dramatic again (goddamn, it's like an infection) and tells Ellie to go to the shed and turn on the power. She's like "the fuck?" and he's like "we're being hunted". He yells for her to go and she finally does. Only, instead of paying attention, Ellie literally runs RIGHT into a log- - like RIGHT into it. It's almost sad. She goes traipsing over all these other logs and under branches and pretty much throws herself into the shed.

She starts going down these hella rickety stairs and communicates with Hammond over her walkie-talkie. The guy has these big schematics out, while Ian continues to pose seductively in the background in case you're getting bored with all this technological jargon. They're about to start turning the power back on (by the way, it takes, like, a million years for the power to get turned back on. I don't know why this park from 1993 has the world's most COMPLICATED power system. Even tech guys from today are like "bruh idk wtf".)


I reckon it's 'bout high noon now. Alan and his traumatized companions come to this electric fence. The sign gets RIGHT in our faces to remind us it is, in fact, TWENTY THOUSAND VOLTS. Alan, the Alan with a goddamn PhD and everything, throws a fucking STICK at the fence to check to see if it's electrified. He's like "well that experiment didn't work it's probably totes fine".

He reaches out, grabs the wire and… STARTS SHAKING AND SCREAMING!

The kids flip out- - Lex starts screaming hysterically because she can't marry Alan if he's dead and Tim like covers his eyes with his arms so he won't see that bitch go down.

Alan then turns around and gives the most SADISTIC smirk you can imagine. I swear to God, Alan, you need a new fucking hobby.

Lex gives them this look that she must've borrowed from Ellie and says "that was NOT funny" and Tim's like "aw yeah man, you fucking got us".

Rex is still fucking pissed about something, because she roars in the near distance. Lex and Tim exchange "oh crap" looks and run over to the fence to start climbing up. They begin the ascent that will ultimately weaken and then obliterate my emotional stability.

(Yo, I can't remember all the exact scene changes because this part switches back and forth so goddamn fast, so forgive any errors.)

Anyway, Ellie's still moving through the shed thing, looking for NSLJ and the way to the power-turning-on thing. Apparently, this shed is built like a fucking labyrinth and will lead you everywhere except for the place you need to fucking be. Hammond is being generally useless, so Ian takes a break from the photo shoot to start giving her directions to the place to turn on the power.

Cut back to the fence. Lex has somewhat recovered from being fucking traumatized by the one adult she has to trust and says "hey, Timmy, I bet I can get to the other side before you can even get to the top!" and he's like "excuse me? What would you give me?" and she's like "a fine view of my weave from the ground below" or something, and Alan says "c'mon guys, it's not a race" in this weary Dad voice. I swear to God, Alan totes needs to adopt these kids. Just kidding, he'd get all of them killed within, like, six days.

Complicated shed thing is finally starting to unravel. Ellie finally finds the equipment stuff. Hammond tells her to pump the primer handle or whatever, and she does, and then she pushes some anonymous buttons and it all sounds like total bullshit, but WHATEVER. We came for the dinosaurs, not the bullshit technology. The button she presses unlocks all these OTHER buttons that turn on each individual park system. This is LITERALLY the most needlessly complicated system in the world (actually, the individual park system thing looks somewhat legit).


She starts turning them on. (Shit, my heart is fucking POUNDING just from writing this.)

They already cut to Alan and Lex making their way down the other side of the fence while Tim's still trying to get to the other side, I forgot to mention it. Anyway, Alan and Lex have conquered the fence or whatever, and are high-fiving when there's this HORRIBLE SOUND OF INTENSE FEAR and the siren on the fence starts going off. It scares my poor baby doll so much that he almost falls off the fence and after he screams, he makes this really soft sound of terror that makes my heart disintegrate in my chest. (Just so you guys know, I feel really intense emotions about really dumb things, like fictional eight-year-olds and nerdy boys in glasses and pretty girls and the way rain smells, otherwise I've got a heart of ice.)

Ellie's turning the systems on, one by one. At the bottom of the panel is the Perimeter Fence button, which our poor little nerd is still clinging to. This is actually a really suspenseful scene, I have to give Spielberg credit. I mean, the man's not a child-killer, we know that, but DAMN, the first time I saw this my heart was hammering and I was sweating and that's something you can't just bullshit.

Alan's being a Concernicus and yells up for Tim to jump. He's like "oh oh FUCK that, I'm not jumping nowhere" and Lex is freaking out like "you're gonna jump NOW" and Alan's like "LET'S FUCKING GO". Damn, no pressure or anything.

Ellie's getting fucking closer to that button. Shit. Shit. OH NO.

Alan tries to give Tim a countdown, but Tim ain't having none of that. Finally, he looks down and starts his own countdown. "One…" Ellie's like one button away. "Two…" FUCKING FUCKKK


Alan catches him and they fall back together and Lex is screaming his name and GOD MY HEART LEX CARES SO MUCH ABOUT HER LITTLE BROTHER AND SO DOES ALAN

It takes Alan like ten goddamn minutes to determine that Tim's not breathing. And he feels compelled to ANNOUNCE it too, like "okay, great, why don't you DO something about it instead of giving us a fucking thesis?"

Ellie's in the shed, totally oblivious to the fact she just gave feeling back to a teenaged girl, and declares "Mr. Hammond, I think we're back in business!"


That motherfucker bursts out of this curtain of wire things and screams at Ellie. Not even a roar- - that thing fucking screams. Ellie, appropriately terrified, screams back and starts running. She runs right into the side of this wall thing and a comfortingly familiar arm falls down on her shoulder and she's like "oh, thank God, it's you NSLJ" and then she turns and IT'S JUST THE FUCKING ARM BECAUSE APPARENTLY IT'S SACRED VELOCIRAPTOR TRADITION TO JUST LEAVE ONE ARM OF A KILL BEHIND. She kind of climbs up onto this weird chainlink fence that's in the middle of the shed (? In case a game of baseball breaks out?) and screams something unintelligible (I THINK she yells "GOD DAMN", but I'm not sure. I'm not even joking, that's what it sounds like.) She manages to shut the gate on the Velociraptor and starts limping out of the shed. I don't know why she's limping. She somehow got her flashlight tied around her ankle. That's pretty impressive.

Ellie runs/limps out of the shed, panting and grunting and looking so goddamn scared that you can't even imagine it, and runs out another gate. She pulls it shut, collapses, and starts crying. Everyone takes this moment to change their pants 'cause DAMN that was terrifying.

Muldoon is still in the little wooded area, silent and crouched with the gun in his hand. He starts unfolding (?) the gun, like unfolding parts of it and aiming it and shit at what he thinks is the Velociraptor. At the last second, she moves to his side and literally peeks right out of the brush. You'd think Muldoon be all "BLOODY TOM FELTON" and moon-walk right outta that mess, but he just kind of stares at this beautiful creature with this intense admiration and whispers "clever girl".

The Velociraptor proceeds to rip his guts out, but it's kind of poetic in a weird, grisly way. Muldoon thought these creatures were amazing and intelligent and he wasn't even afraid, he was fucking IMPRESSED.

Cut back to me sobbing- - er, the fence. Lex is watching Alan perform CPR on Tim and her FACE, oh my God, she looks fucking DEVASTATED. Me too, girl. Alan is so fucking scared for this kid, because he's like "COME ON TIM" and is performing CPR way too fucking hard (actually, in terms of film CPR, what Alan does is pretty decent).

Finally, my baby doll draws in a breath and starts coughing and junk. Alan helps him sit up and kind of holds him to his chest and says "good boy". He's laughing in a really sad way (also, he unintentionally shoulders Lex in the face when she kneels down to check the well-being of her little brother and it makes me laugh through the tears). Tim finally says "three", although it's a little too late.


Timmy's brushes with death: 3

Alan and the kids finally reach the Visitor's Center (I think that's what it's called, I don't know). Alan yells "hello?" and I ALWAYS think of that part in "Scream" where Ghostface is like "don't you know you're not supposed to say 'who's there'?" or whatever, and I'm like "damn Alan, you'd be the first one killed if this was a straight-up horror movie".

They go into this untastefully decorated dining room. Alan is carrying Tim (okay, little tangent, but the last half hour of "Jurassic Park" is pretty much people taking turns carrying Tim. Joseph Mazzello was the littlest kid for the longest time. Now he's slightly bigger and still cute as all hell.) He sets him down on the table and tells Lex to keep an eye on him (no, Alan, she's gonna let him roam around this park while she gets a fucking manicure, what do you THINK?) Alan's about to go look for help and his girlfriend to make sure Ian isn't already married to her or whatever.

Alan decides to be affectionate, because his heart is officially like four sizes too big now, and ruffles Tim's hair. "Your hair's all sticking up," he says, rubbing the kid's curls. "Big Tim, the human piece of toast." It's the dorkiest thing ever, but Tim still smiles. God damn, I LOVE this kid.

Alan leaves and the guy is LITERALLY just out the door when Tim gets off the table with this "oh shit, I'm in Heaven" look and he limps towards something and it's… THE BUFFET! In case you guys didn't know, I was actually the inspiration for this scene, as I often turn to food while I'm in peril.

The kid doesn't even HESITATE. He gets the serving stuff and he's like "fuck, forget all those brushes with death, I'm literally eating everything".

Cut to this kind of weirdly edited scene. Ellie is limping up a hill and we get a pretty good shot of her cute butt. Alan's at the top of the hill calling her name, pretty much exposing himself to Velociraptors because he's hella dumb. She whispers "RUN" through clenched teeth, but still limps up the hill to reunite with her super hot BF anyway. She actually jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around his and it's the greatest hug in cinema history, because you can tell she's just crying with relief.

Cut back to the kids. They're eating all the food and they look SO DAMN PLEASED WITH THEMSELVES. Lex has all this Jell-O and celery and cantaloupe and whatever, and Tim's like "that's nice, I just got fucking electrocuted, I'm going to have every variation of cake created by mankind". They're just eating and smiling at each other and it's pretty cute. Tim looks up from his spoon, because his sister is having a minor seizure. She's got a spoonful of Jell-O and both she and the Jell-O are shaking violently. If you think that shot sounds ridiculous, you're right, it's pretty ridiculous.

Tim's like "the fuck is your problem?" and he looks behind him at the painting of the dinosaur on the wall and the painting shit starts FUCKING MOVING and we realize it's actually a Velociraptor. He does the MOST dramatic gasp in the whole movie, like it's ridiculous.

Lex grabs him and they run into this huge, chrome kitchen. It looks like the futuristic Krusty Krab in that Spongebob episode where Squidward ends up in the future. She turns off all the lights and runs them behind this long cabinet/counter thing. They're just sitting there, wondering how things went from cake to Velociraptor so damn fast. It's awful, because they're fucking terrified and exhausted and it's like "goddamn, why can't it just end?!"

Tim peeks around the side of the counter thing to look at the door. At first, we see nothing… THEN THAT SON-A-BITCH VELOCIRAPTOR BREATHES ON THE LITTLE PANE OF GLASS.

RANDOM SMASH CUT TO ALAN LOADING A GUN AND LOOKING AT THE CAMERA INTENSELY He's pretty good at going from affectionate parent to action hero. He's like "yo, you got those Velociraptors locked up?" Ellie's like "yeah, unless those fuckers learn how to open doors".

This is the part of the movie where my mother gets unnecessarily angry. She's like "THEY DON'T HAVE THUMBS LOOK DO YOU SEE THUMBS ON THOSE THINGS BECAUSE I DON'T"

She's angry because that goddamn Velociraptor opens the door like it's the easiest goddamn thing in the world. This raptor, plus her friend (calling 'em Thelma and Louise, because they look like a cute couple) creep into the kitchen. Lex is like "the fuck are they?" and Tim's like "haven't you been watching the movie, they're Velociraptors" and she's like "it's inside". Okay, thanks for the update, Lex.

Anyway, Thelma decides to start making these horrible squawking noises. Like, it's way worse than a roar. The kids look so fucking scared that I start composing a letter to Spielberg demanding that he write me another movie where nothing but good things happen to these kids.

Lex starts assuming the role of non-traumatizing Alan and she tells Tim to follow her. They start crawling on the other side of the counter thing, while Thelma and Louise explore the other side. We see Thelma's big middle claw tapping against the tiles and it's like "wow, a REAL one, as opposed to Alan's fucking three dollar museum souvenir". Louise is hella clumsy today and her tail knocks over a bunch of dishware on the kids. They crawl super loudly out of sight and Tim throws himself against the side of another counter thing literally COVERED in the MOST STENTORIAN UTENSILS YOU CAN IMAGINE. He throws his hands up to keep them from rattling and it works.


Thelma's all "hey, did you hear that incredibly loud ladle, let's go check it out". They start toward him…

ONLY TO HEAR ANOTHER LADLE! This ladle is being tapped against the tiles by Lex, who's being super awesome now. She throws it to the side and starts crawling frantically towards this weird little storage thing in one of the counter things as the raptors start pursuing her. It's the weirdest little thing. It looks kind of like a dumbwaiter, except it's not, and it's almost the perfect size for her. The details in this park are so fucking whack.

Thelma starts running towards what she THINKS is Lex and poor Lex is frantically trying to pull the door on her little dumbwaiter thing down and Thelma's running RIGHT AT HER- -

REFLECTION! Thelma crashes right into the goddamn reflection in the chrome thing and falls down and kind of rethinks her life on the ground. Lex crawls out of the dumbwaiter thing and crawls again. Tim sees her and looks at the open freezer (Hammond ate all the ice cream out of there, too) and has this plan that's kind of great, except for all the horrible flaws.

He jumps up, despite the fact he's totes exhausted and probably suffering minimal nerve damage and dehydration and a bunch of other things that make me super weepy, and starts limping frantically towards the freezer. It's the saddest/scariest thing ever, because Louise is coming RIGHT behind him and he's going as fast as he can and he's fucking limping like crazy.

Tim runs into the freezer and so does Louise, and they both fall down. Like it's instantaneous. Tim gets up and starts sliding across the super precarious floor and tries to slam the door on Louise, but, wouldn't ya know it?, the bitch has her head stuck out of it.

Timmy's brushes with death: 4


Lex pushes the door shut and throws the lock. She grabs her brother, who is suffering a minor heart attack, and they run outta there. Thelma sees them and is royally pissed: first these assholes embarrass her, THEN they lock her beautiful GF in a fridge?! Nuh-uh, Thelma don't take that shit.

They run back into the dining room. Alan and Ellie have finally arrived (little too late, I might add). Tim runs right into Ellie's arms, which is super fucking sweet because you can tell she loves the kid, and Lex grabs Alan's arm and points to where the Velociraptor is. Ellie says "control room" all dramatically and they literally WALK backwards out of screen like this the fucking Terminator or something.

They run into the CR, which is still royally fucked up. Apparently, after all this goddamn trouble, the power is STILL not on. Ellie runs to the computer to try to do it, even though she's probably like her BF and not good at technology. Alan tries to lock the door, but he can't, so he's like "YO DOOR LOCKS" and he looks up and THELMA IS HERE TO SEEK HER REVENGE

The door flings open and Alan presses his back against it like "oh HELL NO". Ellie runs to help him push against it, while the kids just kind of stand there watching. He's like "BITCH DID I STUTTER?" and she's like "ALAN YOU CAN ONLY DO LIKE SEVEN PUSH-UPS YOU CAN'T HOLD THIS BY YOURSELF!"

Lex jumps behind the computer and starts playing around with it. Allegedly, it's a UNIX system and she can fix it, because one twelve-year-old girl is infinitely smarter than all the other assholes on this fucking island. She tries to find the file that will turn all the systems back on, while Tim tells her to hurry up instead of running over to the goddamn gun and giving it to the doctors. Like, that will always bother me. Alan and Ellie are trying to reach the gun, but they can't or else they'll get their asses ate, and Tim, who's literally doing nothing but panicking, can't be bothered to get it for them.

Lex finally finds the right file, because nerds always save the day. Everything gets turned back on, door locks and telephones included. The first person Alan calls is his boyfriend- - er, I mean, HAMMOND and he delivers this unnecessarily witty line: "Mister Hammond? The PHONES are working." Like, okay Alan, let's take about seventeen chill pills there. Hammond's like "how are my grandkids?" and Alan's like "uh, traumatized and overcooked, hbu?" and then he tells him to send the damn helicopters.

We hear Ellie yell "IT'S GONNA CUT THROUGH THE GLASS" and there's these three gunshots and Hammond yells "GRANT!" It's needlessly dramatic, but I actually don't care at this point because the suspense is making me fucking sweaty, goddamn.

Weirdly edited cut to the gun just laying on the floor. Nice one Alan, don't think we'll need that again. Alan has magically produced a ladder out of nowhere and they're climbing into the ceiling ducts (you guys are a little late, "Die Hard" came out way earlier than this). Thelma watches them climb up with the most fascinated expression you can imagine and she walks (or, like, struts or whatever) under the ceiling tiles and THERE'S THIS SHOT WHERE WE SEE THE LITTLE PRINTS ON THE TILES SHADOWED ON HER SKIN AND IT LOOKS LIKE DNA AND WE'RE ALL LIKE "OH SPIELBERG WHEN WILL THE CLEVERNESS END?!"

Everyone's crawling frantically through the air ducts. Thelma's still pissed off, so she jumps up on a desk and thrusts her head up on one of the tiles- - which Lex is on. Lex gets pinned against the ceiling, but Alan saves the day with the most bad-ass kick you can imagine. Thelma goes down and so does Lex. Alan and Ellie pull her back up, but Alan does a lot of accidental groping in the process. Pretty sure Lex isn't too pissed about that.

They finally climb out into these little step things leading to the T-Rex skeleton in the main lobby thing of the Visitor's Center. Thelma followed them though, and she ain't going down without a fight. So, our four survivors literally JUMP onto the skeleton thing and start holding on for dear life. It sounds pretty corny, but it's actually pretty cool to watch (I'm also a huge nerd, so don't take my word for it).

Alan and Tim are both holding onto, like, the ribs or something. Alan tells Tim to do it for the Vine and jump, and he does. Meanwhile, Lex and Ellie are holding onto these separates pieces and are pretty much spinning uncontrollably. Ellie finally falls off of hers and is showered by debris, because that debris has some kind of vendetta against her cuteness. Lex falls too and so does the ribcage thing and it literally comes within, like, ten inches of crushing Tim. (Timmy's brushes with death: 5). At this point, Thelma (actually, I think it's her other pal, Marina) peeks out of the unfinished plastic of the lobby.

Ellie spots it and you can totally see her flash back to the scene in the shed. Lex must see it too, because she screams in horror. Alan grabs Tim and all four of them kind of cluster together in the middle of the lobby and everyone's like "HMM REALLY WISH WE HAD THAT GUN RIGHT NOW". They see Thelma coming at them from the other side and they all just look so fucking scared, because there's NO ESCAPE now.

(If you pay attention, you can see Alan kind of move the kids directly behind him, as well as Ellie, and it's just such a fucking sweet thing.)

The raptors are descending… this may be our heroes' final hour…


Rex bursts out of the unfinished wall of the lobby, looking around for whatever she can eat, and she spots these two little raptor nerds trying to get a bite of her meal. Rex fucking devours Marina on the spot, who was like six feet away from killing Alan. Everyone looks up in mild appreciation as Rex tears that bitch apart.

Thelma tries to get in on the action, but Rex is a JOCK and JOCKS EAT NERDS. Rex starts shaking Thelma around and it's pretty fucking awesome. Everyone silently thanks Rex before hauling ass out of there.

Hammond and Ian pull up in this little Jeep the second everyone comes running out of the Visitor's Center. Ellie's carrying Tim and she kind of throws him in on top of Ian, who's still, somehow, posing. Alan decides he likes being the witty action hero and says "Hammond, after CAREFUL consideration, I've decided NOT to fund your park" and Hammond's like "same here, brother".


Anyway, the Jeep pulls up the helicopter that's finally here. You're a little late, Ron. That's the pilot. His name is Ron.

This part is actually really sweet and emotional and drains me of whatever emotional resolve I had left after that fucking fence scene. The helicopter blades drown out the sound of everything else, so it's all about expression and stuff. Ellie leads Lex to the copter first, covering her head safely and everything, and, okay, okay, I didn't hear her say this at first, but then I watched the movie with the captions and I saw it and I now I hear it. Ellie fucking whispers "it's okay, it's okay" to Tim as she loads him into the copter. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THAT IS LITERALLY THE END OF ME!

Alan leads his super-wounded boyfriend into the copter next. That should be everyone… except Hammond, who's looking sadly out over his island, thinking about all the ice cream he still hasn't gotten to- - er, I mean, about his crushed dreams. It's fucking sad, in a fucked up way. Hammond was kind of a power maniac, but he still wanted to GIVE people something to believe in and it all kind of crashed and burned. Alan comes up to him and he takes the old man by the elbow and is kind of like "come on, it's time to go".

Inside the copter, there's all this pretty lullaby music. Ellie's staring fondly at something, what could it be?

JUST ALAN CATCHING SOME "Z"'S WITH HIS NEW BFFS, THE KIDS. They're both snuggled up against him, sound asleep, and he's kind of dozing. He wakes up and sees Ellie staring at him, and they just exchange this look, this look of "we made it", and it's so cute, you have NO idea. Alan and Ellie legit need to adopt these kids.

Alan starts staring dramatically out the window as they fly away from this cruel island of crushed dreams, dinosaurs, ice cream, and sadness. And thus concludes this WONDERFUL motion picture.

a/n: This got so much longer than it needed to be and I literally wrote the last fourth in a rush of inspiration and it just kind of descended into obscene weeping, oh well.