Yeah I went back and edited this story, because my writing has greatly improved since this story was posted. Also because it was a little too short. Now just sit back and enjoy!
Chapter One: Re-marketing
The sun was shinning brightly in the sky, providing light and warmth to everyone in town. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the temperature was just right, not too hot and not too cold. All in all it was looking like a great day... too bad some people were stuck at work and couldn't enjoy it. Inside a large office building dwells a company known as Path-e-Tech management. A technological company full of engineers, managers and marketers. There is also an evil cat who is the director of human resources.
It is 10:30 AM and the employees were hard at work. One employee seemed to be working harder than others, moving his fingers across the keyboard with both speed and accuracy. His name was Dilbert, one of the engineers for the company. His math and science skills were very impressive, but despite working at said company for ten years he hasn't received any raises or promotions. Dilbert couldn't even get a corner office like he wanted. Instead he continues to work in the 'nightmare' known was his cubicle.
"Dilbert!" He heard his boss call out, making him cease his work. Moments later his boss walked in, a short portly man with pointy black hair. Thus he was deemed the Pointy Haired Boss by his employees. "Ah there you are Dilbert, I was looking all over for ya."
"And you didn't think to look for me at my cubicle first?" He asked.
The boss chuckled. "Oh but that would have ruined the game."
Dilbert raised an eyebrow. "What game?" This was the first he was hearing of any sort of game.
"Never mind that, now the reason I came over here was to inform you of the upcoming meeting."
"I didn't know there was a meeting."
"Don't you ever check your email?!" The boss shouted.
His employee narrowed his eyes. "I do it's just that you sometimes forget to send them!"
Pointy Haired Boss then cleared his throat. "Well see you in the meeting." He quickly ran towards his office, slamming the door behind him.
Dilbert merely sighed before returning to his work.
An hour later the company meeting started. Taking part in this meeting were the boss, Dilbert, Wally(the laziest person at the company), Alice(a snarky/angry co-worker), Loud Howard(an engineer known for his voice), and Asok; the intern. On the table was a big plate filled with doughnuts to accompany the coffee everyone brought. Standing next to a white board and a projector was the Pointy Haired Boss.
"Now then I'm sure you are all aware of our situation?" He asked, looking over each person in the room.
Alice raised an eyebrow. "What situation?"
"Haven't you read the papers?" The boss asked before sipping his coffee.
"Have you?" She asked in return.
"We could talk all day about who reads what... or we could talk about the fate of this company!" The boss shouted as he slammed his fist on the desk for emphasis.
"So we're here to discuss the poor sales of our latest product?" Dilbert asked.
"Yes and the reports say that sales are very..." The boss looked down at his mini calendar, which had words with definitions on it. He flipped to the current date and read the word. The only problem was he didn't know what it meant, so he decided to just read the definition. "bad."
"SO WHAT DO WE DO?!" Loud Howard exclaimed, hurting everyone's ears in the process.
Wally took a bite from his doughnut. "I don't get it, what's wrong with that Toaster Helmet?" He didn't see why people didn't like it, to him it was a great invention.
Dilbert turned towards his friend. "Maybe it's because of all the third degree burns the consumers received from wearing it."
Pointy Haired Boss nodded. "Apparently you can't wear it and make toast at the same time. Now maybe if someone put a warning on the box this wouldn't have happened." He stated, referring to the employee with the gravity defying tie.
"I did put directions on the box, and they clearly stated do not use as helmet and toaster at the same time!" Dilbert exclaimed.
The boss seemed to ignore his comment even though he knew Dilbert was right. "Anyway, unless we can come up with a new product we may have to think about selling the company... either that or we fire a few of our less gifted employees." He explained, not too concerned about that fact. It was probably because there was nothing really on the line for him. If worse came to worse he would fire people and still keep his job.
"Making a new product so soon after just releasing one... that seems like a lot of work." The bald headed employee noted while grabbing another doughnut.
Alice shot him a glare. "You just don't want to have to do any work do you?"
"You know me so well." Wally smirked, being proud of his laziness.
The pointy haired boss needed to get back on track, so he reached down into a box next to his chair and placed it on the table. "Come on people, we need to do something with this thing!" He exclaimed.
"WE SHOULD RE-MARKET THE PRODUCT!" Loud Howard exclaimed.
The boss put a hand on his chin. "That just might work."
"That is a very stupid idea." Dilbert stated. "You can't just give people the same product and say it has a different use, no one will fall for that."
"Dilbert, sometimes you just have to try the same thing over again, even if it didn't work the first time." Pointy Haired Boss told him.
Dilbert merely sighed in frustration.
"So how are we going to re-market this thing?" The female employee questioned.
Wally scratched his head. "We could sell it as a paper weight." He received several confused looks.
"A paper weight... really?" Alice felt like hitting him for his stupidity.
"You got any better ideas?" He shot back.
Alice thought for a moment before sighing, she had nothing. "No." She crossed her arms and slumped down into her chair.
"Thank harder people!" The boss yelled.
"Maybe we should just invent a new product already." Dilbert stated, getting more and more annoyed. Oh why did he have to work for such an incompetent boss?
The boss glared at him in response, was Dilbert really not getting the concept of marketing? "You claim to be a smart man Dilbert, surely you can see why we have to re-market the Toaster Helmet." He said before taking a sip of coffee.
"I'm sure this will surprise you but I don't."
"Well too bad, we're going to find a way to sell the Toaster Helmet and that's that!"
There was a brief silence before Asok spoke up. "How about we re-sell it as a doorstop?" He suggested.
Everyone in the room stared at the intern. After a few moments the employee with the gravity defying tie spoke up. "Why wouldn't they just buy a regular doorstop?"
"Wait... I think Asok may have something." The boss stated while putting his hand on his chin. He remained deep in thought for several moments before his face lit up. "I got it, it's a doorstop that can also be used as a toaster!" The reactions he got were not what he was expecting.
"Couldn't people just use the toaster they already have?" Alice questioned, not at all surprised by his stupidity.
"Alice you're not thinking outside the box."
"What box? I'm pretty sure a person who already owns a toaster would just buy a regular doorstop." Dilbert added.
"What if someone is moving into a new house and doesn't have a toaster or a doorstop?" Wally offered.
The boss smiled. "You see Wally understands what I'm going for." He praised.
Wally smiled as he took another doughnut from the plate. "If only everyone else could work at my level." He mused while taking a bite of his doughy treat.
"I hardly think anyone will think this is a good idea!" Dilbert protested, but mentally he knew he was protesting to deaf ears... or more likely uncaring ears.
"I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA!" Loud Howard exclaimed.
"I'm going to send this to the guys in marketing, Meeting dismissed!" Everyone left the room and once they did the boss quickly picked up the phone and called the guys in marketing.
After that 'meeting', if one could call it that, Dilbert, Wally, and Alice were standing near the coffee maker. "Do you really think we'll be able to just jump-start the Toaster Helmet like that?" Dilbert asked while making a new cup of coffee.
"I guess it's in the consumers hands now." Alice stated with indifference.
Once his mug was full he took a sip. "But that's just it. Aren't we insulting the consumers by shoving the same product in their face over and over again. Are we really just going to pray off their stupidity?"
Alice then began to make her own cup of coffee. "Dilbert you're putting too much thought into this. If some sucker wants to keep buying the same thing over and over again than what's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that we're treating our consumers like idiots!"
After making his own cup Wally turned towards his friend. "That's just the natural order of things Dilbert. The world needs both smart and stupid people, they balance each other out." He told him in between sips. "I'm just glad we didn't have to come up with a new product."
Just then the boss came running up to the trio, a look of excitement upon his face. "I just got off the phone with the guys in marketing and they love the idea!"
"Gee, I wonder how hard it was to convince them it was a good idea?" Dilbert asked sarcastically. He received no reply.
"Now then, I have some important business to attend to in my office." The boss headed back to his office to work, but the employees knew he was going to go sleep.
"Maybe the new product will be a success." Wally offered.
After a long and boring day of work Dilbert returned to his home, and upon entering his house he saw his two animal companions. Ratbert was asleep on the floor while Dogbert was sitting on the couch watching television. He could hear the sounds of channels changing. Dilbert set down his briefcase and then made his way over to the couch. Once he reached the couch he plopped down right next to the dog and sighed.
Dogbert didn't divert his attention away from the screen. "So how was your day?"
"I didn't think you cared?" Dilbert questioned.
"I don't, but if you tell me now I won't have to listen later." He explained. Dogbert wasn't an ordinary dog. He was the smartest and most cunning dog in the world. He believed himself to be the most superior being in the world, even more so than the highly advanced Dupey. To him it was all just a game, and everything and everyone was merely his entertainment. Of course there were a few people and things he actually cared for. Aside from those things everything else was just a means to his own ends.
Dilbert sighed once again, not at all surprised by Dogbert's lack of interest in anything but himself. Still, he needed someone to talk to so he would make do with his cynical dog. "Well... we re-marketed the Toaster Helmet as a doorstop, which was our company's worst idea yet."
Just then the news came on the TV. "Our top story tonight, a new product that is sweeping the nation. It's a doorstop that also works as a toaster! Many people have said it is one of the greatest inventions of all time, because they can know "Toast things and keep my door open at the same time". There is no telling how much money will be made but we speculate somewhere in the millions." Hearing that made Dilbert put his head in his hands and sigh.
"I guess some people know exactly what they want." Dogbert noted while patting the sad engineer on the back. "Well at least your company won't go bankrupt."
"But at what cost... I mean do we just keep making lousy products and expect the public to buy them?"
"And in other news the new product 'SunglassTV' has reached an all time high in sales." The news reporter stated.
Dilbert merely groaned in response, he was sure that his faith in humanity was lost for good.
Well there you have it, I hope you enjoyed the revised version. I would once again like to extend my gratitude for all of you. It really makes me feel good that I can write stories that you all enjoy. I know I'm not the greatest writer in the world but I feel like improving with each new story and chapter. Stay tuned for more and be sure to R and R! Have a great day!