4Wow, two days in a row. I guess I just wanted to get back in Kurt's head and see how he reacted to seeing Sebastian again.
Hope you enjoy the new chapter!
Chapter 6
When Kurt left the hospital, he didn't know what to do. He expected Sebastian to be happy to see him; to want to come back to New York; he expected Sebastian to magically remember who he was and fall into his arms and be the fiancé he knows and loves. He expected all of this, believing that he would not need to book a hotel room, pack clothes, or create a plan if this exact situation occurred. Which means he has nowhere to stay and no clothes to change into.
Back at the hospital, before he left, he remembered rambling to Sebastian about going to the hotel and changing his clothes; however, reality is, he just didn't want Sebastian to know that he dropped everything in his life back in New York to come see him and bring him back to his old life—his life with Kurt. If Sebastian knew that, Sebastian would feel even worse than he already does. Kurt just couldn't do that to him. Seeing Sebastian hurt hurts Kurt, and Kurt would much rather be the one who is hurting than Sebastian.
Therefore, the first thing Kurt does when he leaves the hospital is find the nearest hotel or motel. Thankfully, because hotels are usually placed near areas where there are higher quantity of people coming and going such as malls, airports, building centers, and hospitals, it doesn't take Kurt long to find a hotel to book a room in. Unfortunately, because it was not booked beforehand, Kurt does not get the greatest room comparable to the other hotels he stayed at for business when he comes to Paris for work. Kurt doesn't mind that much. As long as he is close to Sebastian.
After Kurt books the hotel room, he hails a cab to take him to the clothing stores he visited the last time he was in Paris to quickly shop for a few outfits he can change into until Sebastian decides to come home. At least Kurt hopes he decides to come home. The hospital will discharge him whenever Sebastian says he is ready, or earlier if they believe Sebastian staying is worse for his mental health.
What if Sebastian doesn't want to come with Kurt? What if he wants to go out on his own and leave Kurt by himself, with only the memory of his lost love, taken from him too soon by some stupid disease or trauma reaction that he didn't even know existed? What if...
Kurt thanks Gaga that the cab stops in front of the strip mall full of clothing boutiques before his thoughts could become even more depressing. He shops for two hours, a short shopping spree for him, but Kurt is just not in a shopping mood at the moment. Even so, Kurt brings back three bags full of new clothes, most of which he didn't even try on. He just grabbed, examined, and bought. Sebastian is usually with Kurt when he goes shopping that even going to a change room would cause Kurt to think of their old life together and what it has come to now. Plus, Kurt did not want to break down in a clothing boutique. That is for when he is alone, with no one else to see the true pain he is in right now. Sebastian, Blaine-at least when they were dating in high school and college, and Kurt's dad are the only three people he allowed to see him when he was in pain. Now there is only one—his father.
This thought causes Kurt to quickly grab his cell phone, not caring about the long distance or international calling. He didn't even care about the time difference. All he knew was that he needed to talk to his father.
Kurt dials the number, listening to the phone ringing a third, fourth, fifth, and then sixth time before recognizing the sound of the phone being answered.
"Kiddo?" Burt asks, concerned that Kurt is phoning him all the way from Paris. He never calls while in Paris because Kurt doesn't want the expensive charge of international calling to be on their phone bills. He told Burt he would only call if there is an emergency. Hence, the concerned tone in Burt's voice.
"Dad," Kurt greets on a sob. "I-I don't know what to d-do. S-Sebastian doesn't remember me. He thinks it is my fault for not knowing enough about his life. H-he doesn't remember a-anything about us. Not me, not you, not anyone. He is not the same. He's different. He looks, sounds, and feels like Sebastian, but h-he's not Sebastian. He's not my Sebastian. He's not snarky, he doesn't smirk, he doesn't call me Princess, h-he, he isn't mine anymore. He's going to leave me. He won't be mine anymore, dad. We won't be married, we won't be fiancés or boyfriends…we w-won't even be friends anymore. Dad, I can't live without him. P-please, dad, tell me what to do. Please. Just…tell me what I should do."
Kurt can hear Burt sigh on the other side of the phone. Kurt can tell he is running his hand over his head, trying to figure out what to say. "Son, I can't tell you what to do. This is a complicated situation, but I know you two can get through it. You two have been through so much in the past eight years. You can get through this as well. Just take it one day at a time. You only just got to Paris so take your time. I'm guessing this was your first time visiting Sebastian so he is probably just as overwhelmed as you, maybe even more since he is learning everything at once. Don't jump the gun quite yet, okay Kiddo. Calm yourself down, sing or design clothes to get your mind off of it then go to sleep. You will need a full rest for when you go back there. I may not know what it feels like to lose all of my memories, but I do know it would mean a lot to me to have someone who is constantly there, someone there who loves me. So calm down, stop crying, and be there for Sebastian. Don't think about what might happen, think about what can happen if you stay by Sebastian and help him through this. It will be hard, don't mistake me on that, but it will work out. That is what I believe. You should believe it too."
"Okay," Kurt says, wiping tears from his cheeks and lifting his chin up, determined to make himself calm down and be the one who will always be there for Sebastian, no matter what he says. No matter what he does, Kurt will stand by his side until Sebastian's memories come back or Sebastian falls in love with Kurt, because if there is one thing Kurt knows now, after talking to his dad, is that Sebastian is Kurt's. And Kurt is not letting go without a fight.
After speaking with dad, Kurt left his hotel room again to find the same place he went to when he was last in Paris and wanted to get away from everything. It was a fluke that he found it. When he found it, he was just walking around Paris, looking at buildings and places that most tourists don't occupy when they come to visit.
The place he found had seemed to be abandoned for a few years and when he entered, he learned that it used to be a church. On the stage sat the Alter, looking taller than the pews that sat before the stage. Kurt had almost turned around and left, not wanting to be in a church even if it was abandoned. However, before he turned around and left, an idea popped into his head. So far since he had been in Paris he had not found a place where he could just sing and not worry about disturbing someone. After thinking about it for a little while, Kurt had walked up on the stage and just sang. It was liberating, allowing Kurt to let all of his stress slide off his shoulders and just be surrounded by notes, lyrics, and the emotion created through the songs. It was the best time he had in Paris, and that is saying something.
This experience is what Kurt wants to feel again now that he is back in Paris, with even more worry and stress. When he reaches the abandoned church, he is thankful that it is not torn down or reopened or something like that. Kurt enters the church and breathes in the comforting smell of the abandoned church. Memories of him singing in this exact church cross Kurt's mind and he can already feel the stress and worry beginning to leave him.
Kurt steps up onto the stage, circles around and stares at the empty pews, thinking about Sebastian. He wonders if this is what Sebastian's memory is like. A foundation of a life, like the church; the people who remember the old Sebastian are like the pews, the stage, and the Alter, but no memories to fill them up or give them purpose. The foundation of Sebastian's life is abandoned.
Kurt can feel tears begin to build up, so he breathes in a deep breath and begins to sing the first song that comes to him.
If I hold out my hand
Would it change where you're standing now?
Just come back to me
Leave all you've found
That's keeping your heart on the ground
Just come back to me
So afraid for love to come around your heart again
When it's the only thing you need
Just come back to me
As Kurt continues to sing, he begins to feel the pressure of the last month of not knowing where Sebastian is leave his shoulders. He found him, he knows where he is now. He no longer has to put out "Missing Person" fliers out anymore. He no longer has to go out and search for Sebastian at his old haunts before and after they got together.
The song Kurt is singing is not a desperate plea for Sebastian to come back to him. It is a sign of hope in the fact that Sebastian can come back to him. He is alive and can physically come back to Kurt, if he wants. Which is the best news Kurt can receive after the long days and nights of not knowing where Sebastian is and not knowing if he is alive.
Calling out your name
Wishing you could do the same
Just come back to me
Whatever it takes
I will wait until my dying day
Just come back to me
So afraid for love to come around your heart again
Just come back to me
Kurt does not know what will happen in the next few days, the next month, or year. He doesn't know if he and Sebastian will still be together, if Sebastian will still be in the hospital or off on an adventure, creating new memories that don't involve Kurt. He doesn't know if Sebastian will remember everything, or just a few things, or completely nothing. No matter what happens though, Kurt knows he will wait however long it takes for Sebastian to decide whether he wants to pursue a new life without Kurt or one with Kurt. Kurt will wait for that answer because he is not ready to let go; his love is not ready to let Sebastian go; and sometimes Kurt feels like the Sebastian he knew, the one before the lost memories, is not ready to let Kurt go either.
That's the hope that Kurt holds onto.
This is my only hope
That the love that will not let me go
Will find its way back into your life
So I will not close my eyes
Until I see you by my side
Loving me tonight
If I hold out my hand
Would it change where you're standing now?
Just come back to me
When Kurt finishes the song, he looks out at the empty pews and feels a determination wash over him. He is going to fill up the empty pews in Sebastian's memories. No more how long it takes, Kurt is going to help Sebastian remember.
Before leaving the abandoned church, Kurt looks back up at the Alter and thinks, Sebastian will come back to me.