The Blackbird sings to the Shattered Soul
Rating; hard T maybe M for language and sexual suggestion
Thank you to Traineker for beta'ing
Author's note; the idea came because really I couldn't see how JJ could get over being tortured, threatened with rape, killing someone and all most die by falling off the roof and be so unaffected by it especially because it would bring back losing her baby, that only Emily and Matt knew about, plus I hate the marriage proposal that was more blackmail than anything else.
AN2; this is where it goes AU where JJ explains her and Emily's relationship, scenes not shown, obviously, but part of the show.
The injuries sustained by Emily weren't as bad as originally thought; she had a crack on her cheekbone, badly bruised ribs and as usual a serve concussion. Everybody was sure that she had an internal injury when she coughed blood, it turned she had bit the side of her tongue. She was pissed at first when she was told she couldn't fly across the Atlantic, with her injuries, but apart of her was pleased to be able to spend some time with JJ.
JJ herself was persuaded to be seen while they were waiting to see how Emily was; her electrical burns were treated and covered. She was in the middle of being berated for not coming in quicker, when Hotch had stormed in and explained that she had been tortured. The room had grown quiet and Garcia followed in and helped JJ to dress.
"JJ, what do you want us to do about Will, he is being held for assaulting an Interpol officer..." Hotch was unsure how to broach the whole subject, it would seem that the two women's relationship was much more than anyone, even Garcia knew about. Garcia slipped out of the room to give JJ and Hotch some privacy while the nurse went to get dressings and cream that JJ would need on her electrical burns when she was released.
"It's nothing to do with me, ask Emily, she was the one who took a beating." JJ's voice was flat, devoid of any emotion. She was waiting for Emily to be released, she needed to talk to her, feel her strong arms around her, and get away from the constant grind of Will's criticism. She should leave her job, she wasn't a good mother or wife and if he ever caught her talking or skyping with Emily she had feared a couple of times he would hurt her. If he knew the extent of their relationship he would have probably killed her.
"He's your husband JJ..."
"Really Hotch, did he act like a caring, loving husband, whose wife had been tortured? Or did he act like a jealous, possessive bastard who sees his wife as a belonging? What happened to me has made me see I can't live a lie anymore, for the sake of Henry or my parents. I could be dead tomorrow I want no regrets and at the moment I have one, I let her go."
"You and Emily were..."
"Yes we were lovers, we kept it a secret because of our jobs... I couldn't take it. I left her, got pregnant and then Will kept announcing things and it got crazy. It was bad enough in New York. God, you were hurt and... and I broke her heart. He could see all the hurt going on around us and he kept saying that we were bringing good news." JJ felt like a dam had been broken and she wanted to get it all out there.
"When did it start?" Hotch asked, he was feeling a fool. He believed he always knew what was going on with his agents and his pride was hurting more than anything else.
"After the dogs at Henkel's farm. I almost shot her and with Reid being taken, I was all over the place, even when Elle was hurt, nothing felt that bad. When I got home I...I was having nightmares, I called her in the middle of the night and she stayed on the phone with me all night," JJ gave a small smile at the memory. "The next night Em, turned up at my door before bed time. She didn't say a lot... she kissed me." The memory was burnt into JJ's brain. The kiss started off slow and gentle and ended with clothes being ripped off bodies.
Hotch wasn't sure where this was leading, there was definite information that he really didn't want to know, at the same time he wanted to help JJ get through what he knew was going to be a tough time ahead. He wondered if either Will or Emily were going to be around to help. If he was a gambling man his money would be on the Interpol officer.
"I had another nightmare and..." JJ stopped, what could she say to her boss? She had the most mind blowing sex of her young life? The older woman had made her feel, loved, desired, the centre of the whole fucking universe. "Emily, she... I... she made me feel good about myself."
He was glad she stopped there, hearing Prentiss's sexual prowess was not something he expected to know about tonight. "That's good... Emily was there for you."
"She was, she was always there for me, holding me together when...cases were tough. When Gideon left, Reid's drug problem, when Pen was shot and I had to shoot Battle, but she never let me in. Those damn Prentiss' compartments, she never told me about Strauss and I was hurt, you know, when she resigned. Then she got hit on the head, again! Jeez, how many times has that woman got to get concussed before some common, bloody, sense gets knocked into her?"
Hotch gave a little cough, to stop himself from sniggering at what was a damn accurate assessment of Emily Elizabeth Prentiss. "Is that why you got involved with Will."
JJ looked ashamed. "She was pushing me at him, saying I deserved a normal life, that she had too many things in her past. Obviously no one knew about Doyle and the whole Lauren fiasco, that she was still protecting Declan. That is the thing about Em, sir, she is so good at taking care of the people she loves, she doesn't let anyone in to love and protect her. Her parents have done a real number on her, she expects to be hurt. She told me she wasn't worthy of my love." JJ gave a sardonic laugh. "Me! Me who was sneaking behind her back, getting involved with someone who wasn't even good enough to lick her boots. Me that got pregnant with the idiot's kid. The only good thing to come out of that was Henry."
JJ was lost in thought for a moment. "We stopped seeing one another after New York, it was too much, even for her. Then Colorado... I don't know how many times I listened to that recording of her being beaten... she drives me insane. Always the fucking hero...yet she never sees it, she has an oasis of compassion and always puts others before her own wellbeing. I love her so fucking much! She has no idea what she is, how special. She only sees herself as damaged goods, thanks to her lovely parents and Interpol, yet she keeps going back to both. She didn't want to come back to me but I begged her, she felt guilty about us being together when I was with Will. I couldn't bear the thought of her being killed and not being with her. Will never made me feel the way she did... I...sometimes I couldn't keep my hands off her, I think the danger of being caught made it even better."
"JJ, you're recollections are all over the place..."
"NO! I have a perfect recollection of everything... you want me to go through the cases? The home invasions where Emily wanted to take Carrie home, on the way home I told her I could see her with kids, we went back to her condo and we made love all night. After... after Haley died and we went to Nashville, there was the guy who was killing women that Emily fitted the victimology, successful brunettes. She had him pinned to floor and had her gun pushed right against his skull... she really wanted to kill him. She was like an animal after; I was covered in bruises and scratches. I had a hard job explaining that one away. God she was so good."
"We were together when I was at the State Department, it was harder to find ways to be together but we did and then Doyle... I was all over the place when you said she had gone missing. Her compartments are so good, I had no idea about any of it. When we had to tell people she was dead, Will laughed, and he wouldn't go to her funeral. He knew I was in love with her, he had no idea we were together, he trusted Emily to be too chivalrous to sleep with me while I was with someone else. I was told I would be her handler, I flew to Paris with her, she was still ill... we knew for everyone's safety that we wouldn't be seeing much of each other. We had time in Paris. I missed her, like I lost a limb, even though we weren't supposed to, we played online scrabble to keep in touch."
"When Emily came back from the dead Will went mad... he put so much pressure on me to me to leave, he 'accidentally' forgot to give Henry his medication and he had that fit while we were on a case. He told me it was all my fault and even worse things could happen to Henry. I was terrified and I pulled away from Emily when she needed me the most. She was the hero again when she saved Will's life, he never thanked her in fact I think it made it worse for him. I didn't want to marry him, I was scared he would hurt Henry.."
"JJ if you had said something, we would have been there for you, we love you..."
"I know, I know but I had got so used to keeping secrets and she left because of me. I let her down and hurt her just like her parents and everyone else in her life... yet here she is again the hero to the rescue. Hotch I will do anything to be with her this time. Anything."