Dead Butterflies Everywhere

I never thought that my life could become what it is now, I never thought that amongst all the wonder and beauty of the preserve that in time it could turn me cold. I used to hide and wonder which creature I could spot or which creature would be my friend, now I just hope that no one finds out the truth of what I've become. Now I just want it all to end, to leave this place and never come back, now it doesn't matter how many butterflies I see near me I know that they'll all die sooner or later, that no matter what I do or how happy I pretend to be I know that I'll never truly be happy ever again.

At first I thought it was just a small stage that everyone goes through in their life after all how could I be so young and innocent one moment and the next I've turned into my own worse nightmare? But the thing with stages is that they don't last long, that's how I first knew that this wasn't a stage that I was now realizing something deep about myself and now I'm glad that I found out what that deep truth was, I just didn't think that it would led to this. To everything being an escape, to dead butterflies who never got to fly away from the pain, the silent screams and hidden tears that were behind every fake smile. But the pain felt so good, it was relaxing to feel something else to feel that I was still alive, and soon I didn't have to worry about the figure in the mirror for I saw the bones that were there, and I knew exactly how much and what to eat it was simple like I'd done it for years or something, everything felt simple and easy.

The only thing left was the thoughts, the demons that crept from under my bed and into my head to torment me or so I first thought only to realize that they were showing me the truth, that I wasn't the only one hiding and I bucked up the courage and asked the right questions to find out that they were right. No one cared about me as much as they did Kendra and Seth, that no matter what I did I would never be praised like them or acknowledged or even excepted that they had replaced me. Even grandpa said so himself that he was never proud of me, he thought that it was terrible that I had chosen dark magic and that everything I did was wrong. Everyone at some point in some way told me that they never cared for me or ever would that I was useless and just in the way of the true great hero's of my own story that I had yet to tell.

Soon everything was an escape, the blade went deeper, the screams became louder, the car trips were a crash being invited, everything I saw screamed escape to me and I tried but failed. This time however I never thought that they would find out or even care. I never thought that my usual silence would cause suspicion or that seeing me go to the forest made anyone wonder what I was doing. This time I didn't carry the blade or anything else of the sort, this time all I had was a small vial of black liquid, a potion of my own design that worked much like Dragonsbane, it was odorless, tasteless, but there was no antidote,

I took out the small note from my pocket as well and read over what I had written down, I had to leave something behind and this was it. As I uncapped the bottle I felt tears roll down my eyes as I said a final goodbye, I drank the liquid and emidetly fell to the ground amongst a bed of black roses that I had planted. Unfortunately I knew that it would take a few minuets to fully work, I knew that the numbing of my body was only the first step I just didn't expect to hear them scream. But they were to late I closed my eyes as the world went black. I knew that I was dead, I knew that any second I would see the so called light that would guide me to heavens gate but all I saw was darkness and I knew that I wasn't in hell for I would have known if I was.

I never would have thought that my life would have taken such a drastic turn as it did, I never thought that such a happy girl to turn so dark that she would take her own life. Whenever I heard the stories of people killing themselves I always felt bad for them and hoped that they would be reunited with whoever they lost and be happy, I never thought that I would be one of those stories, never thought that I would see what they saw or felt how they felt. Some say that they have died for a moment in emergency rooms but took the second chance at life 'cause they weren't ready or thought that they could change as for me I wouldn't take it, I wouldn't go back in time to fix anything, why would I want to go through all of that again?

However after some time I heard something I don't know what maybe a tiny beat or something, then I felt something soft below me as my eyes began to open I soon saw that I was in a hospital bed, that somehow I was still alive even when I knew that I shouldn't be, why was I?

"You trying to scare me to death Katie?" I heard someone say and as I looked around the room I only saw one person amongst the small crowd. But it couldn't be, he was dead I watched him get eaten by the stupid dragon and just like me there was no way he shouldn't be there at my side and yet there he was. He knelt beside me and took my hand placing it against his face confirming that this was all real and tears brimmed my eyes.

"How?" was all I managed to say

"Dragonsban has an antidote to it Katie don't you remember."

"But it wasn't that."

"True but it worked anyways."

I sat up and he hugged me tightly, I was still to shocked to fully understand everything that was going on. I had Gain back and everyone was there as well, and I felt myself slip again into darkness. The next time I awoke I was back in my room thinking that it had all just been a dream, that was until I saw Gavin asleep right next to me and I laid my head down on his chest as I felt his heart knowing that he was truly here. I never thought that my life could get better, I thought that after I tried my hand at death that that was it, there was nothing else I could do and yet somehow here I was back in my room with the one person who I believed actually cared for me. Even though I didn't want the second chance to come back and try again I was given it anyways as though some holy being knew that no matter what I was wrong and that I needed to be shown that there was still a reason for me to live.

But no matter what anyone did I never felt better, I always felt more alone and cold. It almost hurt to keep going, and soon enough I fell again. The scars appeared, the screams got louder, and the pain got worse and there was nothing that seemed to help. It was clear to us that I would never be the girl I once was, I would never be the bright, happy girl that they first knew before this terrible monster that I had become. They sent me everywhere, to doctors,, therapists, even rehab centers but I had become a master lier and they all believed those lies so I never stayed long, I only wanted to be at Fablehaven and no where else. I wanted to leave where my life began, it just made more sense that way.

Sitting at my desk I looked over the letter again that I had written, I was going to try again. This time I took a bottle and the small vial, a combination that I knew would end it once and for all. However when I returned to the garden I found Gavin waiting for me.

"Katie please think about what you're doing." he begged

"You can't stop me Gavin, not this time. I'm going to leave one way or another, I can't stand it here anymore, I can't stand the pain." he approached me and placed a hand on the side of my face and lifted my chin so that our eyes meet.

"Then let me come too." he said taking the vial from my hand.

"No. I couldn't do that, not to you. Besides your not.." but he cut in

"I have nothing if you're not here by my side. I would willingly give up my life a thousand times for you and if you're leaving then so am I. I don't want to live in a world where I can't be with you, you mean far to much to me and if I can't change your mind then I'm coming with you."

Tears brimmed my eyes at his words. He meant every single one of them and I didn't want him to die because of me, no there had to be another way. But sadly I could feel death gripping my neck sending chills down my spine. Gavin took my hand in his and led me to the bench where he took up a second vial filled with a similar liquid and I looked at it wondering what it was, until he handed me my vial back and uncapped the second one. I never would have thought that I would die, I never thought that my life could get this bad or that the one person who I ever cared about would willingly die for me and yet no matter what I still wanted to tears fell down my cheeks together we took each others hands and drank the liquids until slowly we both fell into darkness.

People believe that when you die the first thing you see is a light, then a gate, and then the first person that means the world to you. Well for me there was no light or a gate. Yet what was there was a beautiful old victorian house, with a majestic garden filled with tall weeping willow's, red and black roses, and a calm lake with a small island in the center, and sitting on a bench was Gavin.

"Where are we?" I asked him

"This is your heaven."

It made sense since I always wanted to live in an old victorian house with black and red roses that were similar to the landscape of the forest garden and it wouldn't have been complete without the only person I ever loved. Once in heaven the coldness left and I no longer felt alone, I no longer screamed, and I no longer felt pain. I had found my true happiness and no matter what there was nothing that death could do to get me to return to Fablehaven or to even give life a second chance and this time there was no one to bring us back.