18Disclaimer: see first chapter. Or a lawyer.
Summary: In which Sakura gets a clue, Naruto gets a growth-spurt, and Asuma and Kurenai get pranked.
Fans Anonymous
Chapter 3: At Least It Wasn't Flammable…
—ox-oxo-xo—
Outside a certain civilian household, as the false dawn painted the sky, there was a blur of orange and a muffled thump on the doorstep.
A short while later, an ANBU paused along his path on the rooftops across the street, regarding the innocuous package quizzically for a few moments. Pale eyes stared hard at the brown paper wrapping, tied with string, before blinking and casting ahead to where his target was heading towards one of the training grounds habitually used by Academy students.
'Hm…' the branch family Hyuuga mused behind his ANBU mask, having satisfied his curiosity, 'that's a novel way of going about it.'
Another short while later, as the sun rose, a yawning middle-aged civilian cracked open the front door and almost tripped over the package. Noting the intended recipient, he shrugged in the non-paranoid way of people who aren't ninja and carried the thing inside before heading out to the market to fill out the shopping list his wife had given him last night.
And a little over an hour later, said man and wife were treated to the sight of their daughter's jaw dropping hard enough to rattle the breakfast table.
—ox-oxo-xo—
Sakura Haruno spent that day at the Academy in a daze, eyes constantly drifting over to Sasuke (though that much, at least, wasn't particularly noteworthy). She only thanked her lucky stars later that she'd retained enough sense to make some basic notes on automatic in class.
A feverish few hours flicking through the relevant references in the library afterwards (at a far quicker pace than Naruto had managed, though she didn't know this) only served to confirm the magnitude of her error when it came to wooing Sasuke Uchiha.
"It could have been worse," she tried to reassure herself, "at least everyone else made the same mistake…"
It did help calm her inner self down, a little. Now, she could only hope that she hadn't done too much damage to her long-term chances – because if her mysterious benefactor was as right as they were increasingly looking to be, then there really was no hope for her short-term ones. Or anybody else's, fortunately.
The package hadn't contained much – only a few sheets of cheap paper. They had almost looked like a class assignment, actually, though she didn't remember one like this being handed out. But whoever had left it on her doorstep had known enough to guess she'd not trust something like this easily, and left both book references and where to find them so she could check for herself.
The last page had a message scrawled on the back, more hurriedly than the laborious scratchings of the recent, tragic history of the Uchiha Clan. It was harder to read, but easily legible enough to make its message clear to Sakura:
You have a fanboy. Naruto Uzumaki constantly tries to talk to you, impress you with his skills and convince you to go on dates with him. That annoys you, so you don't like him.
Sasuke Uchiha has lots of fangirls. They constantly try to talk to him, impress him with their looks and convince him to go on dates with them. Also, they squabble with each other over him, and even stalk him. That annoys him, so he doesn't like them.
I know you don't want to think you're one of those fangirls, but how is he going to tell the difference when you act like they do?
The solution? Stop acting like they do, because it obviously doesn't work.
So what instead? TRAIN! Get Stronger! Because with what the Uchiha has to face, you can bet he'll need a strong kunoichi to help him restore his Clan…
And as much as she wanted to refute the logic, she couldn't help but see the point. Sure, there were other reasons for her not liking Naruto. Sure, she wasn't a fangirl (honest!). But the base fact was inarguable: what she was doing so far, just hadn't worked – and, the research implied, never would.
So maybe it was time to try another way. At least it couldn't be any more painful than the constant stream of rejections.
Sakura stashed away the papers in her bag, put the library books back, and went off to find a field to get some training in before dinner.
—ox-oxo-xo—
A couple weeks later, Sakura subsequently found herself having cause to doubt her optimistic assumptions on the nature of pain. Her parents were worried, Sensei Iruka was looking at her funny, and she was even catching the odd glimmer of poorly-hidden concern in Ino's scornful glances. So when she was greeted one Sunday morning at the breakfast table with another package left on the doorstep, Sakura regarded its contents with a certain sense of foreboding.
Which lasted right until she saw what was inside.
Another 'assignment'. And a photo that almost took her breath away with awe and envy.
The photo was of a Konoha kunoichi, a slim, beautiful brunette with startling crimson eyes clad in a dress that looked almost like it was made of bandages, only marred slightly by the chuunin vest worn over it. The name 'Kurenai Yuuhi' was written in elegant, feminine script on the back of the photo.
The 'assignment's' contents, written in a different hand than Yuuhi's but still crediting her for the help, made her weep with gratitude…and then have a second helping of breakfast before hobbling off to the library once more, tactfully ignoring her parents' own twin waterfalls over something neither she nor her inner self wanted to contemplate right then. There were references to check!
…
(Meanwhile, one Kurenai Yuuhi looked over her own recently delivered photo with quiet satisfaction, sparing only a brief moment to wonder where the hell the brat had even got his hands on five gallons of peanut oil, let alone caught Asuma unawares with it.
She soon decided that it really didn't matter, absently licking her lips – such visual evidence of an oiled-up, topless Asuma Sarutobi certainly wasn't worth looking the gift horse in the mouth…)
…
(Meanwhile, one Asuma Sarutobi plotted. The brat might've made good his escape, but at least he'd had the common courtesy to rat out the true culprit in note-form as he fled the scene, along with the reasons behind it.
He chuckled evilly. Oh yes, there would be revenge on that evil, hypocritical woman. It might even involved spanking…)
…
(Meanwhile, one Hokage put away his crystal ball and reached for the first stack of paperwork, still quietly smirking to himself. Dear kami, that brat could be entertaining when he put his mind to it…)
…
(Meanwhile, one mysterious brat…erm, benefactor plonked down on his seat at Ichiraku's for breakfast. When the order arrived, he blinked at the abnormally large amount of vegetable matter floating in the miso broth. Then remembering exactly who'd told him about what was probably wrong with Sakura in the first place, and the reading he'd done on how important it was to eat properly, he shrugged and dug in. If nothing else, at least it was with lots of ramen…)
…
This time, Sakura got the impression that the mysterious person who had sent her the two packages had only understood the provided references in a general sense. Sure, they'd got the gist of it – but the books she found went into the material in far greater detail.
Once again, she was kicking herself. Much as she should have researched the Uchiha before planning out her assault on Sasuke's heart, she really should have researched the mechanics of nutrition before adopting her diet. But on the upside this time, Sakura had the satisfaction of quickly soaring beyond the benefactor's basic conclusions and seeing the path of her own self-made advancement being forged before her.
Poring at high speed through the well-worn books, Inner Sakura cheering her on with images of a (much older) Sasuke in…various situations (and poses), she began the complicated process of balancing caloric intake and nutrient levels for her age and weight, and adjusting them further to allow for various ranges of exercise and training. It was to her mind a fairly generic diet – or more accurately, something that her mother could look over and use as a guide to cooking a fairly generic diet. But it was a start, and it would do in the meantime.
She would be back during break from the Academy, because this was really important to know. Sakura couldn't for the life of her explain why this hadn't been covered in the Academy already, but… Well. Who was she to complain about something that could improve her chances of netting Sasuke's affections?
A few months passed, the yearly Academy break coming and going.
Another failed attempt at passing the final exam early for Naruto, though he did more-than-slightly better on the written portion and his Henge had improved exponentially. He'd also shot up three inches in height, which was directly connected to his Henge improvement – Naruto had quickly found out that looking like someone who hadn't pranked the proprietors of a number of market stalls led to getting far better deals from said proprietors. (He still ate inordinate amounts of ramen. But that didn't stop what the doctors reluctantly called 'his unnatural healing factor' from taking the chopped-up bits of vegetables and cured meat that he now tended to add to his cups of instant ramen with the boiling water and doing wonders with it…)
Iruka had received both 'assignments', and was duly impressed with the first one. The second one, after a few pointed questions revealed Naruto's ignorance of the more in-depth reasoning, led first to consultation with the Academy Director and Suzume, then plans for the inclusion of basic lectures on dietary requirements in regards to aspiring ninja in the next term's lesson plan for first- and second-years. As it turned out, the problem had come about as a result of crossed wires in the staffroom – Suzume teaching the recently-prevalent 'diet' philosophy best useful to kunoichi on long-term infiltration assignments (including the 'assignment' of being a long-term housewife) under the assumption that the girls had first been taught the dietary basics in earlier classes… only for her and the Director to realise upon Iruka's enquiries that said earlier classes' teachers had assumed Suzume was covering those.
It was perhaps too late to repair the damage to his own students. But the sight of Sakura Haruno upon the class's return for their final Academy year did aid Iruka's understanding of just why Naruto had become so curious about Sasuke Uchiha's motivations and how to make diets work for ninja.
The break had done her good. No longer looking drawn and pale – no, this Sakura Haruno had an aura of quiet confidence about her, and more importantly an aura of good health. Her frame had begun to develop the slim but firm tones of a kunoichi who trained regularly, she'd tanned a little as a result of that training, and her movements were already taking on the subtle gliding cant of someone who had begun working on internalising those lessons in muscle memory at all times. She'd also had a minor growth spurt, adding another two inches to her height (as well as an inch or so to her bust area, something Iruka noted as further evidence as to her improved eating habits and scrupulously ignored forthwith).
It was a shame about the long bubblegum-pink hair and bright red dress that she still seemed attached to, but progress was progress – and her progress had gone further than met the eye, because the area she had truly made strides in was not immediately apparent at just a glance. Sakura had indeed returned to conduct further research at the library during her break. And it was there, in the beguilingly intricate medical case studies that backed up each rationale behind the nutrition scales, that she found her second love: the field of medicine, and its greatest nin-practitioner – who also happened to be the single strongest kunoichi in the Elemental Nations.
Sakura's path was chosen, and only needed her to apply herself and follow it. The general knowledge was easy, digested with barely a longer pause than her regular classwork. The intermediate knowledge was enough of a challenge to occupy goodly-sized chunks of her free time – which, as an added bonus, helped to fill the hours she no longer spent stalking her Sasuke (which, no great loss to be honest – not that she loved him any less! but someone as good as Sasuke had to know she was there and make him think she was a fangirl, which would only make him annoyed with her). And as for the high-level knowledge, at least what little an Academy student could find? Well, sometimes she got the edges – which only served to remind her that she had a long way to go…but if she stuck to it, she'd get there eventually.
She was feeling a little lonely, though. She hadn't chased Sasuke for months, which left her without the noise and violence and general excitement of the fangirls' company. And even the Idiot hadn't been pestering her much for a while…
Sakura paused, darting a glance at the orange-clad loudmouth. He gave her a happy grin and a thumbs-up, and went back to whatever he was doing. She turned back around with a grimace, ignoring the knot in her stomach that loosened when Naruto at least seemed pleased to see her.
But the general sense of loneliness did linger. Which perhaps explained, when Ino wandered over during throwing practice to assuage her curiosity over Sakura's seeming loss of interest in Sasuke, why it somehow led to the two-girl council of war held that night at the Yamanaka Clan 'compound' (flower shop), and Ino being let in on Sakura's secret benefactor – as well as one of her more own recently-uncovered discoveries about boys and puberty: to whit, the fact that they tended not to until they were a little older.
Which led in turn to it becoming a three-'girl' council of war (with the inclusion of Ino's mother). Which turned into not so much a war council as a session of gossip, as the adult of the group first explained a little of what was commonly known about Kurenai Yuuhi, and then demonstrated where Ino got her penchant for gossip from by imparting a few juicy whispers about her rumoured relationship with the Hokage's son.
Apparently there was oil involved. And spanking.
The revelation of which resulted in two sets of crossed eyes. Followed by three sets of perverted giggles.
The truce came to an end the next morning at the Academy. But it at least remained understood between the two rivals that Sasuke was the important thing here. The Pig/Forehead would lose. But just in case, by some horrible quirk of the heavens, they didn't… well, at least that was better than the object of their affections ending up with one of his annoying fangirls. And at least, even if whoever didn't get him, they would still be strong kunoichi and be in a good position to land someone else who wasn't too bad, or just stand on their own two feet. Rivalry was one thing, but enmity was another.
And Sasuke? For all that he should have felt relieved that two of his scariest fangirls had seemingly pulled back, he still couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding…
Ending A/N: Hm, I wonder if peanut oil is flammable? …Meh. Though I do have to wonder sometimes how horribly wrong he could have gotten those pranks…
Naruto: "Painting the Hokage faces, painting the Hokage faces, falling off the Hokage faces, falling off the— wait, what? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH…"
Ground: 'Thud.'
Naruto's Body: craps itself, what with being dead and all.
Anyway… review, criticise, suggest, point and laugh? I dunno, something?