18Disclaimer: Oh, how I wish… see first chapter.
Summary: The way things could've gone… Naruto's brilliant idea is taken to its next logical step, Sakura and Ino become enthusiastic converts to the ways of Prank-fu, and Sasuke is molested…a lot. It's crack-time…
Omake/Original Story: Revenge Is Best Served…
—ox-oxo-xo—
[Excerpt from Chapter 2.5: Screwing It Twice…]
Naruto's eyes, which had been drifting drowsily shut, slammed wide open.
That could work! And Naruto could even help! It was perfect!
And even better, it would count as a truly awesome prank on Sasuke…
…
And then, as if smacked upside the head by yet another bolt of artistic licence…ahem, inspiration, an even BETTER idea occurred to the young prankster.
Well…for a given value of 'better', anyway.
—ox-oxo-xo—
Naruto's new and considerably more diabolical scheme was based on the idea of satisfying all three imperatives: to get Sakura stronger and get her Sasuke like she wanted; to get Sasuke stronger quicker like he wanted so he'd beat his brother and accept Sakura sooner; and, to make it all into an awesome prank.
Well. Mostly the 'prank' part, if he really wanted to be honest about it.
First, was nailing the Henge, and particularly the not-as-perverted version of what would come to be called the Oroike Henge. Through herculean (if not Gai Maito-like) efforts of hard work and focus, he managed it within the month. More research was then plunged into rope techniques, specifically in how to defeat them – largely by watching chuunin he ambushed in his pranks, though he did do a bit of reading on the topic.
The next bit made him a bit sick to the stomach, but was all worth it for the pranking potential: 'Hanako Dosukoi', a mysterious honey-blonde bombshell a couple years older than Sasuke's classmates, joined the Sasuke Uchiha Fanclub. Getting in on the stalking rota was easy enough once 'her' expertise in stealth was demonstrated with the aid of a couple illicit photos.
Using 'Hanako' to observe the Uchiha in his natural habitat and divine his weaknesses, Naruto quickly gathered enough information to unleash his master plan over the summer.
—ox-oxo-xo—
Abducting Sasuke Uchiha was child's play. Some traps, some rope, a blindfold and gag, and a sedative-covered senbon later (courtesy of a quick trip to a nearby forest), and the Bastard was all trussed up and ready for his 'guest'.
Abducting Sakura Haruno was if anything, even easier. A simple matter of waiting for her to take her place on the rota.
After the trio were in place (in the Uchiha's bedroom, in fact), 'Hanako' took off Sakura's blindfold so that the first thing she laid eyes on was a bound, helpless and groggy Sasuke Uchiha. Sakura's captor began explaining 'her' idea – very, very quietly.
"Okay, I got a little confession to make – I don't really want Sasuke. I just thought it'd be fun to tie him up and watch him make out with a mystery girl."
Sakura turned to stare wide-eyed at Hanako. The drool that began leaking through the gag did not go unnoticed.
"No, really. You better count yourself lucky though, Sakura, 'cause you're the very first one to try him out. So, here's the rules if you want to be the one who gets his first kiss: you can't let him know who you are, and you can't let him go – I'll do that when you're done and we leave. And we might get in trouble if he knows who to blame this on, so he must not hear our voices. Do you understand?"
Sakura thought that over for a couple seconds. Then she nodded so fast her head blurred.
Sakura was quickly untied, and proceeded to make out with her helpless Sasuke. Hanako then stepped in briefly to cover the prisoner's mouth and nose for a short while as a silent threat, and Sakura reaped the reward of the opportunity to slip in a little tongue for her next go. Meanwhile, Hanako took a photo on her pilfered polaroid for each kiss.
A quick re-dose of the drugged senbon, a few untied knots, and the giggling girls were gone before Sasuke could awaken and work himself free.
…
Of course, it would have been a shame for all that research he'd done on the Uchiha Clan to go to waste. So a little later on in Sakura's room, the two of them went over what 'Hanako' had compiled.
The inevitable result had Sakura very, very worried. Fortunately, Hanako presented a solution – a solution, no less, which prominently featured Sakura herself in a prominent role.
As her logic ran, the Uchiha missing-nin was a very powerful adversary – had to have been, to have wiped out his entire clan. So it would be a very long time before Sasuke could realistically hope to take him on head-to-head. The solution, Hanako said, would be to tutor him in stealth, traps and general sneakiness – by example, to prove their worth in going about his vengeance like a ninja should. That way, Sasuke would have a chance to take out his brother earlier, so that he would be able to start thinking about having a family earlier.
And so, Sakura quickly realised without Hanako having to point it out, Sasuke would be able to start thinking about having a family with her earlier. With the added bonus that with her new best friend's help and more… formal tutoring, Sakura herself would more quickly begin picking up skills to make her a better and stronger kunoichi, and so make her a better candidate for Sasuke's love in the future.
Which, of course, led to one important question for the kunoichi-in-training, who remembered a fair amount of bullying in her youth:
"But… why did you choose me for this? Why not Ino, or one of the other girls?"
Hanako shrugged self-consciously, bracing 'herself' for the answer.
"As an apology, Sakura. 'Cause… I wanted you to be my friend."
"…What?"
Blushing, Hanako explained, "I'm an orphan, you see, and I live alone so I've got no parents or anyone to tell me things. And one thing I mixed up was…" she hesitated. "Um… promise not to hit me?" Hanako whispered.
Sakura nodded warily.
'Hanako' dropped the Oroike Henge.
Sakura sat on her bed, flabbergasted… which, Naruto figured, gave him about five seconds before she snapped out of it. At which point she might keep her promise, but he kinda doubted that. So time to start talking.
"I mixed up the difference between a girlfriend and a girl who's a friend. That's why I kept pestering you for dates, 'cause I wanted you to be my friend but I thought you'd have to be my girlfriend for that. And then…"
Naruto paused to take in a quick breath. Sakura still looked a little shocked, but at least hadn't given him brain damage yet.
"Well, a couple months back, I found out the difference – and then I realised that I was actually being a fanboy like Sasuke's annoying fangirls, only I was doing it over you. And I wouldn't inflict fangirls on anyone I liked. So I figured that… well, I really owed you an apology. And if I did something really awesome for you like this, well, maybe you'd really listen to it, you know?"
Another breath, in which he still wasn't being thumped.
"So, yeah… I'm really sorry about annoying you all that time, and I won't do it again. And I don't really get what all you girls see in the Bas— I mean, Sasuke, but if you want him then I'll help you get him. I hope that makes up for it," he finished with an embarrassed shrug.
Naruto fell silent, waiting for Sakura to respond.
By now, Sakura had been given nearly a minute to come to grips with 'Hanako's' true identity. And while there were many things she wanted to do to him right now, a lot of them quite violent, she did realise that she'd made that pesky promise. So—
"Um, I-I'll leave if you want…? Oh, and here are your photos…" Two photos landing on her lap snapped her back to her senses.
'Best to short-circuit that impulse then.' "Could you turn back into Hanako?"
Naruto blinked and performed the requested Henge.
"That's better, it's easier not to hit you when you don't look like you're a boy sitting in my room."
'Hanako' cringed. "Ehh, sorry about that, too…"
Sakura emitted a long-suffering sigh. 'Hanako' remained silent as the pinkette continued to consider her response, thinking over every angle.
Really, she decided, it came down to one thing.
'Or actually, two things.' 'Shut up!' 'No, really! Think about it – am I you?' 'NO! I mean, obviously yes, but…' 'Exactly!'
Inner Sakura explained her take on things. Sakura had to admit, it made a fair bit of sense – or at least it'd do for the moment, while she worked out how to deal with all this later.
"Naruto…"
"Yeah?"
"You're an idiot. You're loud and irresponsible and orange and, and you just annoy me." 'Hanako' slumped miserably. "But, from what I've seen, 'Hanako'… isn't really that bad. Just tomboyish, and a bit clueless. And, well…"
She looked down at her lap…and for the first time, actually looked at the photos.
'CHAAAAAAA!' Inner Sakura whooped and began drooling.
Sakura squealed and glomped Hanako, eyes riveted on her new favourite acquisitions clenched in one hand behind her new best friend's back. "Genius! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Hanako chuckled happily (yup, so much easier thinking of 'her' as Hanako) and hugged her back, ecstatic at merely suffering the slow braincell-death of asphyxiation as opposed to the violent braincell-death of being thumped by Sakura. "You're welcome, Sakura." She laughed. "Besides, what's the point of settling for doing all this just once?"
—ox-oxo-xo—
And so, Naruto could rest easy in the knowledge that Sakura was his friend. Or at least, that she was 'Hanako's' friend. The jury was out on Naruto, though he was optimistic on his future chances.
But then, there was still that massive prank to play.
Convincing Sakura to go along with the next step was far harder than his previous feats of applied persuasion (read: kidnapping, threats and appeals to the feminine libido). But he eventually succeeded, for three reasons: first, because the Plan would directly result in Sakura getting yet more time with the Uchiha; second, because all this ('she' explained) was after all for the Uchiha's benefit as far as training went, and further input could only be a good thing for that – and thirdly, because the reaction of their next target would be hilarious.
And so a week or so later, 'Hanako' did it all again…only with Ino Yamanaka instead.
(Oh, and in case you were wondering: Ino's reaction upon subsequently discovering that (a) her first kiss was attained through the efforts of Naruto of all people, and (b) Sakura had got hers first… Yup. Hilarious. As was her further reaction to finding out afterward that Naruto had taken another picture of that moment of realisation…which was part of Sakura's price for agreeing to Ino's participation in the first place.)
And then, another week or so later, 'she' did it all again…only with Sakura and Ino's full knowledge and keen anticipation.
Thus it was that, having demonstrably captured Sasuke three different times in three different ways in the space of just two weeks, Naruto found an enthusiastic pair of converts to the ways of Prank-fu…at least, insofar as it applied to capturing, restraining and molesting Sasuke Uchiha.
Oh, and pictures. Can't forget the pictures. Yes, suffice to say, 'Hanako Dosukoi' made a rather large amount of money selling pics of a 'sleeping' (sedated) Sasuke in various suggestive poses to the rest of the fanclub.
—ox-oxo-xo—
As the summer break progressed, and much as might have happened had Naruto based his plans on not taking his prank quite as far as he had, first Ino and then Sakura began studying medicine. Well, parts of medicine…
Both girls (and Naruto for that matter) became much more enlightened about the merits of balanced nutrition when Hanako – still Naruto as both Sakura and Ino well knew, but both remained far more comfortable thinking of him as 'Hanako' at that point – noticed their sub-par fitness levels and asked first the friendly staff of Ichiraku's and then the chuunin Kurenai Yuuhi for advice. Thus proving that Asuma Sarutobi was bound to be drenched in five gallons of peanut oil sooner or later, whatever his wishes or Naruto's overarching plans.
(Yes. Witness the author's remorse. No really, it's just down there, putting the lotion in the basket. Yup.)
Meanwhile, Ino's first serious foray into anatomy came about as a result of the girls' more 'intimate' encounters with their captive crush – and more to the point, of a subsequent, hesitating inquiry to her father concerning 'why boys' thingies didn't get hard like a man's did like she'd heard about in class'. Inoichi, being both an opportunist and far from squeamish, seized upon the opening given by his daughter and got her studying up on anatomy, poisons, pointy things and the best ways to apply some or all of these things to the disadvantage of Konoha's enemies…especially the ones that Inoichi didn't approve of (read: anyone trying to lay hands on his precious little girl).
Inevitably, Sakura became interested in the wider field of medicine. Almost as inevitably, Naruto/'Hanako' received an education in fashion – even to the point where he actually (through a Henge) bought an outfit with almost no orange in it. Not that he ever wore it, what with orange being so awesome, but he still bought it for special occasions…or, Naruto begrudgingly conceded, for when he was actually a ninja and had to look like one.
One surprising discovery on everybody's part concerned Naruto's variation of the Henge – namely, that it was solid. (The surprise on Naruto's part being, of course, that everyone else's wasn't.) This led in turn to three things…
Firstly: Sakura and Ino sitting down with Naruto and actually teaching him the proper handsigns and technique for the standard Henge. Both girls tried and failed Naruto's version…which turned out to be a very fortunate thing later, given just how chakra-intensive it was. Meanwhile, Naruto tried and failed the standard version, many, many times.
Secondly: Naruto went home and experimented as much as he felt safe with his Henge. That he didn't immediately tell 'Hanako's' friends about doing so was because parts of it sounded perverted no matter how he tried to justify it wasn't, and so fell under the 'as much as he felt safe' proviso; that said, they might have suspected something anyway, given the safety limits that they talked about at the initial time of discovery. So there was no changing into animals or inanimate objects.
Naruto quickly found that he could change the size and colouring of his limbs and facial features, at least to within human-range standards, though the different-sized limbs and appendages felt strange to manoeuvre until he got familiar with them. He also found that whoever he changed into was at least anatomically correct…a fact that made him feel a good bit creepier about 'Hanako'. Birthmarks and other small details, on the other hand… For that, he actually did go to the girls for help – though not before thinking of ways not to get pummelled beforehand!
So, one round of 'capture the Sasuke' later, complete with one heavier-than-usual sedative and 'Hanako' Henge'ing into Sasuke and stripping down for the girls, subsequent stripping of Sasuke and comparing the results revealed two important limitations. The first was that birthmarks and blemishes did not match unless you knew about them, and neither did tans if Naruto didn't tan in the same way and in the same places. The second… the second had Sakura and Ino looking at 'Sasuke' with some surprise and a hint of well-buried, almost unwilling speculation, and 'Sasuke' somehow pulling out the acting performance of his life to date by not falling over laughing.
Not that any of this stopped 'Hanako' from adopting a more…accurate Henge of Sasuke Uchiha. And then borrowing Sasuke's shower. With the door open, with Sakura and Ino with cameras ready.
(Needless to say, most of the resulting photos weren't for sale. But the few that were, sold gangbusters…)
Also needless to say, Sakura and Ino both tried very, very hard to get 'Sasuke' to kiss Sasuke. He only managed to weasel out of that one by pointing out the 'sad' likelihood of the both of them passing out from nosebleeds before they could get the picture taken.)
Oh, and – thirdly: with some reluctance, Naruto went to Old Man Hokage and got him to get everybody out of the office. Then, with one of the Old Man's hands on Naruto's head and shoulder, Naruto Henge'd into Hiruzen Sarutobi.
It was a little early in Naruto Uzumaki's ninja career for the Sandaime's knowledge of his solid Henge to have any real impact yet. That said, it might have interested him to know that, when he stole the Forbidden Scroll at the end of the next Academy season, it had one more addition at the bottom than it would have had otherwise…
As the summer vacation came to a close and Academy loomed once more, the three much healthier and happier students agreed that it was the best and most profitable summer they had ever enjoyed. Sakura and Ino even agreed to be Naruto's friends, provided he didn't act like such an idiot in class.
Naruto agreed, provided he was still allowed to prank people sometimes.
Sakura and Ino agreed, provided he didn't wear so much…orange.
Naruto Henge'd into something that was blue-with-bits-of-orange, instead of orange-with-bits-of-blue.
Sakura and Ino glanced at each other, shrugged and said, "Close enough."
—ox-oxo-xo—
Once Academy kicked back into gear, the Prank's difficulty levels soon started racing up the learning curve.
Thus far, Sasuke's nature had played into the trio's hands. His harsh training regimen made him tired and less cognisant of his surroundings, and thus easier to trap; moreover, his pride (and depression, it should be noted – though that was being mitigated, mostly unwillingly on his part, by all the action he was getting) dissuaded him from seeking help from adults or the public library.
These factors remained in play once Academy restarted. The difference was that on the one hand, the capture squad had less time available – and on the other hand, Sasuke now had daily access to every Academy resource on traps, evasion and escape tactics…which was actually more than was readily available, the teachers having long figured out that the best way to get the taciturn and proud Uchiha to imbibe extra knowledge on whatever topic was to implant extracurricular material in the on-site library when he was showing signs of interest in it.
In short, Sasuke was a genius, and now had access to reasonably advanced knowledge in what he needed to know. So it soon became a lot harder to catch him.
Naruto responded by sneaking into the staffroom and various other sections of the Academy, and perusing the same materials. Increasingly, Sakura and Ino followed his lead in doing the same.
But then, Sasuke was a genius. So the difficulty gradient soon began increasing again, as he put those lessons into practice. After all, those lessons were good ones, which by their very application made what 'Hanako', Sakura and Ino were doing harder to pull off.
And then 'Hanako' had a brainwave. Or rather, Naruto decided that the time was right for the next stage of his Prank.
Convincing Sakura and Ino to go along with the plan was… a lot easier than it would've been, if he hadn't very clearly and concisely (and quickly) reassured them that the next targets wouldn't be involved in anything more than a peripheral way – more of the 'work for one's own reward' theme as opposed to throwing out freebies. But as they were reminded, all of this was for Sasuke's benefit. And so, satisfied that their privileged positions in the hierarchy remained safe, Sakura and Ino agreed.
And so, Hanako Dosukoi, Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka began running their own informal, kunoichi-only classes on stealth, tracking, traps, co-ordination, capture and evasion…
…Or in other words, they brought in reinforcements. That is, the rest of the fanclub.
Of course, Sakura and Ino jealously guarded their own advantages. If any particular fangirl found themselves too unfit or clumsy or what-have-you to keep up with the program, then that was their problem. The fangirls were sated to an extent, however, by the fine-tuning of the gauntlet of roving fangirls patrolling the routes between the Academy grounds and Sasuke's home, meant to increase its effectiveness. Sakura even expanded on Naruto's idea by creating an official ranking system, where one's rank within the fanclub (a convoluted system to Naruto's sensibilities, involving things like marks at the Academy, stamina and speed levels, accomplishments within the fanclub such as good photos or items of Uchiha clothing, and a range of more arcane and befuddling criteria) earned them a better or worse chance of netting a good spot to catch the Uchiha as he attempted to sprint or sneak to and from home every weekday.
Sasuke wasn't caught all that often, and only in public. But it served its functions, all four of them. First, it gave the other fangirls something relatively harmless to aim for – in this case, every available fangirl converging on the captured Uchiha and getting in line for a quick kiss (and maybe a grope if they felt adventurous about doing that sort of thing in public). Second, it satisfied Sakura and Ino by keeping the other fangirls' rewards to something relatively inoffensive (relatively so, because even so far as a few months previously, neither girl would have ever even contemplated letting the Pig/Forehead getting so far with their Sasuke!), what with the public nature of their captures. Third, it satisfied Sasuke's need for advancement in his skill… as he finally began to comprehend, once 'Hanako' showed up at the end of Sasuke's second 'kissing line', leaned forward and whispered, "You know, if you can't even deal with us, you're going to have problems later when things get serious for you. So consider this training, huh?" And then stuck 'her' tongue in his ear because it was there before parting with a, "Better luck next time…" and discreetly dashing off to laugh and wash his mouth out.
And fourth, and most importantly in Naruto's opinion: it was damned funny!
—ox-oxo-xo—
…And then Anko Mitarashi got involved. And Hinata.
Yeeeeeeah. This would end well.
Ending A/N: So, yeah. This was actually the first plot vector I had outlined. It's just that the other one got written first. This version's funnier, but more parodic and with more OOC-moments – prime example: Sakura agreeing to bring in Ino.
Omake Squared: Turnabout
Summary: Hinata, you say?
—ox-oxo-xo—
He came to, groggy and confused. That confusion quickly started turning to panic as he realised that he was bound fast. What happened? The last he remembered was heading back after his latest…
His recollections jarred to a halt as a pair of soft lips covered his.
'Ohhh… so that's what's happening…' he thought.
It was a strange realisation, that someone unknown actually felt about him that way. Strange, a bit gratifying that someone thought he was awesome and worth giving extra training like that, but more than a little unsettling that he didn't know who it was—
He whimpered as a terrible possibility occurred to him. The mysterious assailant drew back with a gasp.
"Please tell me you're not a guy?" Naruto squeaked, waiting with bated breath for the answer – and hovering on the edge of a well-deserved panic attack in case the wrong answer was given.
There was a long, terrible silence as his nerves ratcheted higher and higher in trepidation. And then a rustle of clothing as a body settled atop his. Naruto froze – and then relaxed. There were two lumps instead of one, and both of them were in the right places for a girl.
His sigh of relief was swallowed as the girl kissed him again, this time with her mouth open. Naruto froze again in shock…and then decided to kiss back, on the basis that it was happening to him anyway and he might as well see what Sakura and Ino liked so much about it.
Eventual verdict: …eh, not too bad. Not the kind of thing he'd do with his free time, but it wasn't exactly horrible either. The stickiness was a little gross – it did help, though, when he remembered that this was something people seemed to like doing when they were older. Maybe he was just too young to enjoy this properly. Or maybe girls were just weird.
And at least she didn't taste like broccoli or something yucky.
In fact… overall, he decided, this was a good thing. As penalties for capture went, at least. Not so pleasant as to make him want to get captured, but not so unpleasant as to make him own up to the Old Man and get her to stop trying either. Besides, it was good enough for Sasuke…
…though, he'd have to check with Sakura and Ino to see if they'd helped whoever this was.
That was the last thing he managed to think as gentle fingers reached down to tap his neck.
—ox-oxo-xo—
Hinata held her breath, and then released it with relief when the Jyuuken strike succeeded. Knots were loosened, and then she took to her heels, blushing so hard that she didn't even notice as a passing kunoichi in a revealing trenchcoat gave her a thumbs-up.
She'd just molested Naruto. She'd just knocked Naruto out, tied up Naruto and kissed Naruto. She'd even laid on top of Naruto and made out with Naruto! And Naruto had even kissed back!
Hinata dashed all the way home, all the way to her room, to her bed, and managed to slam a pillow in her face before she actually squee'd with pure fangirlish glee and finally succumbed to the fainting spell that only desperate effort had managed to hold off.
She did not think of doing it again. Those thoughts came later, after she woke up from some…rather naughty dreams. Other thoughts came too, such as this being the most brilliant idea that Naruto had ever had!
Omake Squared: Sasuke Bunshin!
Summary: Yeah, this pretty much had to happen.
—ox-oxo-xo—
Sakura hesitated for a few moments as Sasuke and Kakashi walked away, biting her lip. On the one hand, Sasuke was leaving, and maybe now might be the time to ask him to join her for lunch. After all, they'd just passed Sensei Kakashi's 'bell test', so it'd be a celebration, wouldn't it? But then, Naruto was still wrapped to that post. It seemed a little cruel to leave him there…
Casting a glance back at Naruto, she turned back to the others to find that Sasuke had taken the decision out of her hands by vanishing. She had to admit, that was quite a series of traps he'd managed to lay down in the handful of seconds she'd been distracted. Oh, and Kakashi was gone too. You could tell by the lack of paint. And jam. And honey. And flour. And seriously, where the hell did Naruto get all this stuff from?
Shrugging, she went back to the post and cut Naruto down.
Her blond teammate stretched and smiled gratefully at her. Then he rummaged in the inside of his new brown jacket (or rather, the jacket that he'd bought a year ago and never worn until now), producing an envelope.
"Thanks, Sakura. I was going to give you this anyway, but now you really deserve it," he said, handing the envelope to her. "Open it when you go to bed tonight, okay?"
Sakura's eyebrow began twitching, her fist clenching…
"No, seriously. You'll like what's in it – but, you'll regret it if you open it anywhere else."
She eventually unclenched her fist. "Okay, but it better not be perverted…"
Naruto nervously scratched the back of his head. "Ehehe… Seeya tomorrow, Sakura!" he yelled, his farewell dopplering with the pace of his retreat.
…
Later, she could not for the life of her explain why she actually followed Naruto's instructions with the letter. So many times that day, she'd almost tore the thing to shreds, or burnt it to ashes, or just threw it away.
Perhaps…perhaps it was that, despite his behaviour, she did trust him.
As she stared down at the photo that the envelope had contained, Sakura found that she didn't particularly care why. The important thing was that she had.
It took twenty minutes, two fainting spells and a moderate amount of blood loss through the sinuses before she could acclimatise herself to the photograph's contents. Even now she was blushing on Hinata-like levels. And for good reason.
The photo was perverted. It was very perverted. Well, to twelve-year-old sensibilities, at least.
'Two…Sasukes…kissing… Two…topless…Sasukes…kissing…' A little more blood dribbled out of her nose before she could stop it.
There was also a post-it note, stuck to the back of the photo. She peeled it off and read:
Congratulations for passing the genin exams, Sakura!
Naruto
P.S.: Kage Bunshin is awesome!
And looking back at the results, her only response was:
"Naruto, you insane perverted genius!"
Well, her only immediate response. Some 'private time' with the picture was taken shortly afterwards…
…As was the case with Ino, who had come home after Team Ten's test to find her own letter dropped off with her mother.
Ending A/N: (looks innocent) …What?
BTW, someone commented on wanting to see how Team Seven did with their genin test. I figured something similar to Saphroneth's 'Vulpine' test would do the trick, as in a shit-ton of traps and such – I've read so many damn versions of that test, I just felt no desire whatsoever to try fitting in anything original here. The three genin knew it was a trick-test, but chose not to overtly reveal their knowledge – besides, Kakashi was working to a script, hence Naruto getting tied to a post as the one who (he assumed) the others would be least likely to help outside of the mandates of teamwork…another part they knew about.
Omake Squared: Nice try, Sasuke
Summary: Take one plan for defection. Add an entire fanclub of capture specialists. Now you guess the result…
—ox-oxo-xo—
Kakashi Hatake stared.
He stared as the gaggle of triumphant, fawning fangirls, almost the entire in-village membership of the Sasuke Uchiha fanclub marched past, his genin (and how he hoped he was still his genin, after hospitalising his teammate and attempting to defect to Oto) trapped hopelessly in their midst. The Uchiha was hogtied, gagged and squirming with absolutely no chance of dislodging himself from the hands and arms glomping him securely in place. The Cursed Seal of Heaven would intermittently flare up, only to dissipate like a vile fart in the wind as one or another fangirlish kunoichi kissed him on the cheek…or the neck…or the collarbone…or the chest or back, as his upper clothing seemed to have vanished somewhere during the capture.
He stared as Anko Mitarashi appeared for a few moments, standing across from him as the fangirls' capture party passed between them. She stood with hands on hips, looking inordinately proud of herself, before disappearing as if she'd never been there – probably off to collect some bets.
He stared as Ino Yamanaka followed behind them, Sasuke's blue top folded daintily over her clasped hands as she animatedly chatted with another kunoichi – who looked suspiciously like a clothed versions of Oroike Henge. He stared as the blonde kunoichi tipped him a mischievous wink when she walked past.
He stared as the…official capture team led by Chuunin Nara of Team Ten slunk along behind the fangirls at a safe distance. Walking with them were the Suna team of Gaara, Temari and Kankuro of the Sand, as well as five Naruto-clones. Each of the clones, as well as Gaara, were lugging body-bags – though Gaara was dragging his no doubt-bloody trophy along behind him on a tether of sand. Oi-nin soon appeared and appropriated five of the bags, sealing them into scrolls. One brave nin approached the Yondaime Kazekage's youngest son and exchanged a few words, scribbling something into a notepad before vanishing.
He stared as Naruto, presumably the real one, separated from the capture team and bounced over to stand before him with a big stupid grin. He stared down at his genin, the only one of them who could be reasonably considered fit for duty, who had obviously reacted to Sasuke's attempted defection and striking Sakura down by calling in what he considered to be the big guns. With some justification, too, given the fact that they had manifestly succeeded in their self-appointed mission.
Kakashi Hatake stared. And he shivered.
Then the elite jounin shook of his old nightmares and refocused on his subordinate.
"…Dare I even ask you to report, Naruto?"
Naruto's grin widened.
Ending A/N: While I had the idea of at least, um, this before reading Poppy Grave Dreams's profile, I must thank that author both for their reviews and for their profile reminding me about actually finishing this chapter. Gotta say, I'd be interested in seeing the results if they ever get to posting that (more detailed and epicworthy) idea…
Omake Squared: It's Not How Big It Is…
Summary: Because writing up a Naru-harem is almost obligatory…yet still crack pretty much by definition. Some fairly risqué content. A long one here, folks.
—ox-oxo-xo—
It was an otherwise fine late afternoon, if not for the ominous sounds of girlish giggling rolling from the nearby teahouse. The malicious peals of mirth had driven away any man without a concrete need to stay from an eighty-yard radius surrounding the shop. Even the male staff of the shop itself had pleaded sickness and scarpered while the going was only moderately horrible.
The four kunoichi of what had come to be known as the 'Konoha Twelve' had met in the aforementioned teahouse to catch up. This in itself was not particularly unusual – as missions permitted, they attempted to meet up at least once a month.
No. What was different about this particular gathering was the fact that three of the four kunoichi had coincidentally run into members of their Academy classes, young women who had failed their jounin-sensei's genin tests and subsequently been diverted into non-frontline roles. Those young ladies had promised to catch up, and invited other young ladies of their acquaintance, and…
Well, there was just no pretty way to say it.
The old Sasuke Uchiha and Neji Hyuuga Fanclubs had turned up. Virtually in their entirety.
Fortunately for the remaining teahouse staff, however, hostilities (or at least outright violence) had eventually been dispensed with on the grounds of neither shinobi being present. That did not stop the group as a whole from wasting nearly ten minutes trading verbal barbs over the various failings of the 'other' young idol. On the Sasuke side, Neji's loss in the Chuunin Exam Finals to the 'dead-last' Naruto Uzumaki (Sasuke's teammate, it was stressed as if that made a difference) was bandied about; on the Neji side, the same was done with Sasuke's attempt some months later to defect to Otogakure – to escape his fangirls, was how the Neji side phrased it.
That said, it was eventually acknowledged by each opposing side that each episode had seen some mitigations and even improvements as a result. Neji's obsession with fate had taken a severe knock as a result of his loss – and Sasuke's attempt at defection had failed precisely because his fanclub had rallied (again, at the Uzumaki's behest) to drag him back to Konoha, collectively defeating the Sound Four while they were at it. Neji had become more approachable, while Sasuke had at least acknowledged that he would need to become strong enough to defeat his own fanclub before going after his traitorous brother.
So with that settled, the several dozen (mainly sixteen- and seventeen-year-old) girls had collectively sat back and took a breath… and then set about comparing notes, catching up on gossip and collectively enjoying themselves in traditional fashion.
And so it was that, secure in the knowledge that any red-blooded male within eighty yards had crapped themselves and tried with varying success to sidle away without being noticed, they started getting into the juicy stuff.
"Hey, Hinata!" Ami called out. "I bet you'd know – who's got the biggest…" she stopped and made an obscene hand gesture, "…out of the Konoha Twelve boys?"
As per standard form, Hinata blushed and tried not to faint. Ami did vaguely remember this pattern of behaviour, and waited for her to recover sufficiently to answer; other members of the younger Academy class did the same, whispering brief explanations to the older Academy classmates.
"W-w-well… I o-only know the ones f-from m-my class, so…"
The room's occupants slumped with disappointment.
"…and, I-I only l-l-l-looked," she gulped, "when we were t-twelve…"
A chuunin nurse from Tenten's class nodded reluctantly, "…So they'd all be older and bigger now anyway. Yeah, guess you're right."
It was to the collective group's credit that no-one brought up the possibility of Hinata going and having another look, given her difficulty with just recalling doing it three years ago. Clearly there was no answer to be had from that quarter.
"Hey!" Ami perked up. "You know who would know? Hanako – I bet she'd find out just for laughs!"
A burst of admiring, envious giggles met her declaration, as well of catcalls of, "And photos!", "And blackmail!", "And betting rackets!", and other assertions along these lines.
Tenten blinked. "Who?"
And so one half of the group learned from the other about one girl a year or so older than them, a genius 'capture specialist' by the name of Hanako Dosukoi. A girl who had joined the Sasuke Uchiha Fanclub for a laugh, and then with Sakura and Ino as her protegés proceeded to train up the entire fanclub in their capture techniques – to the point where they got so good that they collectively gained the interest of Anko Mitarashi, who trained them up even further.
"I mean, seriously," one of them summed it up, "how do you think we got good enough to drag back Sasuke in the first place?"
"She must've got bored though," another chimed in, "because she hasn't been seen around for years. Is she even still alive?"
Sakura and Ino shared a brief, considering look, hands flashing sign language under the table. Eventually they traded nods – after all, it wasn't like they weren't curious themselves…
"Yeah," Ino replied, "me and Sakura see her around sometimes. She's just been busy." Busy with a three-year training trip, but they weren't saying that.
Sakura added, "But yeah, maybe she did get bored. She does that a lot."
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Ami shouted. "Can you find her?"
Sakura and Ino traded another look, mainly for the look of it.
"Yeah, why not. I think she's in town – give me a minute…" the pinkette stepped outside onto the street, performing a Kuchiyose no Jutsu. She whispered some instructions to the hand-sized slug that her technique summoned, which disappeared with a poof of dissipated chakra. "If she's up for it, she'll be a couple minutes," Sakura told the others.
It was indeed about three minutes later that the requested addition to their impromptu party turned up at the entrance to the tea shop via a Shunshin. The entire group examined the prodigal daughter curiously as she swayed through the door.
Hanako appeared to be seventeen or eighteen, a couple inches over five feet tall. Honey-blonde hair in pigtails, cornflower-blue eyes, and a wide, mischievous grin topped a gravity-defying set of breasts which were even bigger than Hinata's and almost appeared to rival Lady Tsunade's, though this was partially because they looked more impressive on Hanako's smaller frame. The clothes she wore, however, were largely utilitarian – dark blue jumpsuit-pants, black sports-bra under a vest modelled after the chuunin attire but in a shade to match the pants, with sensible ninja sandals and black pouches attached up and down the fronts of her thighs. The heavy tan she sported, along with the hitai-ate on its band tied around a well-toned right arm, completed the image of a tomboy who knew she had the looks to pull off a seduction, but would rather not be hampered while she was doing something else more important.
"Yo!" Hanako Dosukoi called. "It's been a while for some of you, hasn't it girls? What's up?"
She slid into a seat between Ino and Hinata, and ordered a cup of black tea with a heavy dollop of honey while Ami and Sakura explained what they all wanted to know. The blonde nodded thoughtfully as she mulled over their request…
…and shook her head with a snort of disdain. "Not interested."
"…WHAAAAT?"
"Well, two things wrong here…" Hanako explained after a long sip at her tea. "First up: guys are sensitive about that kinda thing. That's why you're trying to find out on the sly, right? 'Cause if they weren't, you could just ask 'em."
She threw up a finger to halt any interruptions.
"And, all these guys? They're ninja – which means they're at least meant to know how to do genjutsu. If they've got something to hide, then they'll just hide it."
"…Damn," Ami muttered, echoing the sentiments of most of the room. "But, couldn't you—"
"Do I look like Ero-Sennin to you?"
Ami blinked. "Who?"
"Huh? Oh, Lord Jiraiya, the Gama Sennin. Uzumaki's been calling him Ero-Sennin for years though, because he's also the author of the Icha Icha series. Seriously, the guy runs around calling himself a 'super pervert'." She leaned forward, glaring at Ami at the next table. "More to the point, he does his 'research' by doing things like peeking at women in the onsen.
"So what you're asking me to do is, either peek at all eight of the guys in the onsen – or capture and strip all eight of the guys in their homes."
She sat back, having made her point.
"Yeah, pretty much," Ami shrugged. Many of the others echoed her blasé attitude.
Okay, Hanako decided, maybe she hadn't been obvious enough. Well, then…
"Would you want to strip down and measure Kiba Inuzuka? Chouji Akimichi? How about Shino Aburame?"
Ami went green. As did a fair number of the gathered kunoichi.
"…Yeah, you couldn't pay me enough to go there," Hanako finished.
Hanako enjoyed her tea while rainclouds of depression drizzled misery down on the rest of the room.
"But cheer up, girls – there's the second thing!"
They looked up hopefully.
"As I just said: they're ninja. And if ninja aren't cheating, they're doing something wrong. So, the better question to ask is – how well do you think they can cheat?"
…
(Meanwhile, eight young shinobi and one ninken scattered around Konoha noted shivers of foreboding running up their spines.
Lee reflexively screamed about YOUTH! at the top of his lungs, to drive away the evil kami. Kiba and Akamaru huddled shivering under a nearby porch. Shino catalogued the sensation and went back to tending the latest additions to his personal hive. Chouji and Shikamaru looked around, failed to see any sign of Ino, and went back to eating and cloud-watching respectively.
Neji and Sasuke knew this feeling well. Neji grit his teeth and applied himself all the harder to his Jyuuken training, abruptly certain that he would soon need it. Sasuke just spared a mental curse for the ANBU who were still detailed to tailing him in case of further desertion attempts.
And Naruto…facepalmed and wondered what the hell 'Hanako' was doing.)
…
Hanako ordered and moderately enjoyed a medium portion of tiramisu while the 'other' girls debated and bantered their opinions back and forth over this newest topic, wondering what precisely was so scary about this. Did no shinobi ever realise just how much possibly important information they were forgoing whenever they fled from this kind of thing?
Sure it was embarrassing, but Boss for one had always liked being talked about. It wasn't like they were even being particularly insulting about him.
Eventually, it was Ino who once again directed attention back to Hanako. "So, what do you think, Hanako? You haven't said anything for a while there…" The Yamanaka said this with a light smirk, being one of the two people in the place (actually, three people, though none of the others – Hanako included – knew about Hinata) who knew full well who 'Hanako' was, and why 'she' would have a good idea when it came to the topic.
(And no, you perverts, it's not that reason. It was because Ino, like Sakura, had read through Naruto's research back in Academy – including more than a little about the other clans who had representative classmates.
…Well, that and Naruto was a guy, and thus had surely heard a little bragging from the others.)
Fortunately, Naruto's peculiar mindset, which had retained a measure of innocence safe from perversion even if the definition varied by topic and whoever he was talking to at the time, decided that this was a question he could answer – kinda like an infiltration/recon exercise/prank, only still in the planning stage to select the best targets.
So Hanako shrugged, "Most of them? Depends how far along they are with their clan techniques, I guess. Depends on the girl, too."
That got everyone's attention, given that the older kunoichi was clearly going somewhere with this.
As far as Hanako could see, the problem all these girls were having was in the lack of information. It hadn't been until years later that Naruto had realised how rare it was for information on the clans to actually be looked up – it was like it was assumed knowledge or something as you got older and more familiar with specific members or families of those clans. But once he'd twigged, and upon his first lengthy return to Konoha, Naruto had dived head-first into those archives once more. After all, he couldn't really count on people telling him that kind of stuff – either people would not want to tell him, or people would just assume he already knew it.
Fangirls were imaginative beings, at least when it came to fantasy fodder. All they'd really require was a basic rundown…
But then, Hanako decided, it wouldn't really be prank-worthy if she just did that. Nah, better to go over the top!
So Hanako Dosukoi gave them the full and frank appraisal of a chuunin capture specialist, one who was infamous among certain members of the gathering for her creativity, pragmatism and tactical genius in her field… And one who had at some point sat down and thought this over already (if for no other reason than because it helped Naruto spot when the other guys were bragging or otherwise trying to pull a con. To hear Kiba talk sometimes, it was like he'd tapped half the girls here…and they'd all come back begging for more).
She spoke of the Aburame, who crossbred their own bugs and specialised through them in poisons, hallucinogens and other drugs… which, given that there were little Aburames and thus women who had given birth to little Aburames, quite likely included skin-contact aphrodisiacs. ("Worth your while if you can bring yourself to go there.") She also spoke of the Inuzuka, and their noses… which were excellent at picking up pheromones, and could be trained to smell fluctuating levels of arousal as expertly as they smelled anything else, which could be an excellent aid to speeding up the learning curve – and also spoke of possible hybrid phallic states whilst performing their clan-beast jutsu, which he pulled from Kiba's bragging as a distinct possibility. ("Hey – there's 'ribbed for your pleasure', and then there's…")
"Yeah, so that's the disgusting ones outta the way…" Hanako said, flagging over another cup of tea as the others warred between outright nausea and hidden titillation, seesawing between being grossed out and imagining some truly kinky fantasies.
She spoke of the Nara, and the way that so many 'shadow manipulations' ended up in body manipulations… which at the advanced levels, augured for the finest in body-puppetry for the bedroom. (This got thoughtful nods, particularly from the handful of kunoichi with seduction training.) She spoke of the Akimichi, and their body expansion jutsus… and then chided the lot of them for their lack of imagination, because that one was just obvious. ("He'd be better off using that on his fingers, though. I mean, who's seen how massive just his fists get? There's big, and then there's fencing posts…")
"Yeah, but what about Lee?" Ami wondered. "No clan jutsu, no chakra even. So…" She stopped at the looks Hanako and Tenten were giving her. "…What?"
"Stamina," Tenten replied as if it were a no-brainer…because it was.
For Lee, Hanako spoke in blunt terms. For a man who would regard doing a hundred push-ups with his tongue as a training exercise… Sure, the taijutsu enthusiast had lots of flaws – one of which could be torn off him, and the rest could be covered up by sitting on his face until you were just too far gone to care what he looked and sounded like.
Silence reigned. Then it was broken by a couple dozen nosebleeds.
"…Huh. I might have to keep that one in mind," Tenten murmured, wiping her nose.
"W-what about N-N-Naruto?" Hinata asked.
Hanako stared. "…I'm gonna assume you're asking for everyone's benefit?" She eloquently gestured towards Sakura, Ino and Tenten.
"Kage Bunshin," said Ino.
"Enough to fill the room," added Sakura.
"Without even trying," finished Tenten, who had been using dozens of Naruto's Kage Bunshin for target practice just last week.
Hanako knocked back the rest of her tea. Sure, a line about 'Gangbang Technique' might've fit, but Naruto didn't want to have to deal with the fangirls if it worked too well…
"And now," she cleared her throat, "Neji and Sasuke."
Attention once again snapped round to Hanako, a fair number of them shaking themselves from their speculation (Kage Bunshin being something that had become rather famous nowadays, given that Uzumaki threw them out like Tenten spammed kunai) to focus on the room's collective crushes.
"For Neji…" she paused dramatically, "…it's all about chakra control. Not much point using the Byakugan or the Jyuuken, but the chakra control you'd need for those?
"Take the tree-climbing exercise – we've all done that, right?" A round of impatient nods. "How about the tree-sliding exercise?"
"Huh?"
Sakura frowned. Could that be one of Naruto's exercises…?
"Yeah! It's like tree-climbing, only you push the field out past the sides of your feet and make that bit stronger than the rest – but still not enough to blow you off the tree. The stronger field pulls you along, so you end up sliding in whatever direction the field's strongest. It's about as tricky again as water-walking, but it's great once you've got it down.
"Sooo… take that kind of training, and have Neji doing it with other parts of his body, and…"
The nearest waitress, a woman in her late twenties who had been intermittently weeping with joy over all the tips she'd picked up that afternoon, snorted with amusement. "Heh, yeah that move's real. They call it the Lazy Rooter. Basically turns the guy's penis into a vibrator."
"Ohhhhhhh…!" rang the refrain.
"Yeah, I remember one of the doctors bragging about that move…" the young nurse giggled. A great deal more giggling ensued, this sort of thing being exactly the kind of juicy dirt they'd been after when they invited Hanako here.
"And what about Sasuke?" Ami finally asked.
Hanako shrugged. "Eh, another lazy one but I can see this one working too…"
Ino leaned in. "So, get to it…?"
"Well, the Uchiha's got his Sharingan. That hypnotises you, at least a little. And it doesn't have to be much – at least, not once he slips in some silent genjutsu while you're distracted. Couldn't get too rough about it of course, but good for mood-setting if nothing else…"
Hanako fell quiet, tucking into another serving of tiramisu (which was pretty good, but nothing on ramen and only slightly better than dango) as the room's occupants once again fell into verbal battle-lines along the well-worn Neji vs. Sasuke divide. From what 'she' could gather – and this seemed pretty simple, really, as least as far as the inner workings of fangirls – it came down to 'romance' (Sasuke) versus the actual deed's quality (Neji).
If she were asked, she would probably have to come down on Neji's side, if only because she highly doubted the Bastard had been able, yet alone willing, to find or develop any of the kind of genjutsu that might have worked in the bedroom. But she wasn't asked, because the others were fully absorbed in their random arguments.
At least, most of them were. Sakura and Ino were trading speculative, somewhat uneasy glances, hands flashing sign back and forth under the table's edge out of sight of the others. Tenten was getting bored, the 'kunoichi's night out' clearly having gone off the rails due to fangirl interference despite a few high points. And Hinata merely huddled next to Hanako, looking like she wanted to say something but unsure as to whether she'd be heard.
"…Yeah, screw this," Hanako finally decided, polishing off her cake and gulping down her final cuppa before standing.
The four 'Konoha Twelve' kunoichi shared looks and followed suit, each silently pulling out money to fill their tabs and ghosting out as a group as the arguments started getting violent.
"Yeesh," Hanako muttered quietly from two blocks away, "how did I put up with that when they were twelve?"
Sakura smiled ruefully, taking her hand. "Yeah, but Team Seven's still together because you did. So, thanks…Hanako."
"You're welcome," she replied, smiling genuinely up at the pinkette.
"Okay," Tenten abruptly interjected, "what am I missing here? You two—" she paused, catching the look that flitted across Ino's face, "—you three were thick as thieves in there – why haven't we ever heard of you before…whatshername, the purple chick…"
"Ami," Hanako told her.
"Yeah, her. Before she brought you up and everyone was all 'she's so great'? I mean that's not even a regulation vest, are you even a chuunin?"
"Yeah, but this fits better with the top load," Hanako replied matter-of-factly, then stopped as a nudge from Sakura got her attention.
The older blonde regarded Sakura and Ino for a long moment. "You sure?"
Ino spoke up, "Yeah, we can trust these two not to say anything."
Sakura snickered, "Heh, not like those fangirls back there…"
Hanako shrugged then, breasts bouncing under the vest in such a way that a passing civilian across the road walked into a pole. "Okay then, follow me."
…
"Um…" Hinata stuttered as 'Hanako's' front door came into view, "…isn't t-this… N-Nar-ruto's ap-p-partment?"
"Yeah, he lets me use it while he's not here," Hanako answered over her shoulder as she led the way in. "Shut the door behind ya, Hinata?"
Tenten looked around the apartment curiously, being apparently the only one of the quartet to have never seen the place. It was small and pretty sparse, a standard one-bedroom flat with the kitchen area tucked away in one corner of the living area which obviously took up most of the allotted space.
"Huh?" Naruto walked out of the bedroom, wielding of all things a feather duster. "Okay, what's the occasion here?"
"Yeeeeah, that doesn't look like he's not here, Hanako."
"Nah, Boss is still off training. I'm just here to clean up the place a bit before he gets back – Boss was in a bit of a hurry this morning."
"…You…actually dust your place?" Ino demanded.
"It's a chakra control exercise, so yes," Naruto's clone replied. "Now, what's…" He paused, looking over at Tenten and Hinata. "Oh. Ohhhh… Heh, this'll be fun. Should I get the camera?"
Hanako pretended to consider it, even as Tenten glared at the clone. "No, it's probably not that funny. Although…!" An evil grin spread across her face, only to dwindle. "…Nah, that's probably perverted. Hey, Hinata – activate your Byakugan?"
The veins at Hinata's forehead bulged out. "Okay…"
"Right – the thing about Hanako Dosukoi…"
'Hanako' made a sign, muttered "Kai", and turned into Naruto.
"…Yeah, she never existed in the first place." A cheeky grin. "…Hinata? Hinata…? …Damn it, she fainted again. I thought she was over this!"
After Sakura withdrew some smelling salts and woke the shy Hyuuga up, and a woozy Hinata joined an extremely suspicious Tenten on the couch, Sakura and Ino helped the newly revealed Naruto – or more accurately, the Naruto Kage Bunshin – to explain matters.
Though even they were surprised at a few tidbits he hadn't told them. Like the fact that Hanako Dosukoi was, in fact, a chuunin – Lady Tsunade having somewhat surprisingly loved the idea once she'd been filled in on the premise, and happy to give the 'reserve' kunoichi (a title given to those who passed out from the remedial Academy after failing their team tests, and thus obviously couldn't pass a standard chuunin exam) the chuunin title that she hadn't been able to give Naruto. After all, how could the elite genin Naruto Uzumaki and all the hurdles in the way of his promotion apply to a kunoichi capture specialist?
(Incidentally, it had also been the Old Lady's idea to suggest a specifically tailored vest, much as she herself had resorted to for a while.)
Once they were done, in a tale that stretched over half an hour as the sun set, Tenten at length offered up the first thing that occurred to her:
"You…are such a pervert."
The blond prankster quirked an eyebrow at her, delivering one of the most effective old-fashioned looks she had ever seen on someone who wasn't a grandparent.
"Back at that teahouse? I counted four girls fighting down blushes at the thought of being in a threesome with Kiba and a Kiba-fied Akamaru. There were three more girls – different ones, mind you – who looked turned on at the thought of being impaled on Chouji's log. And there's a reason I didn't say the obvious line about 'Gangbang Technique' with Boss back there, 'cause I could see nearly twenty girls thinking along those lines already. Any argument so far?"
The four girls glanced uncomfortably at each other. While they were certain none of them had been numbered among the first two categories… Well. He did have a point with the 'gangbang' line.
He especially had a point, should one care to consider the sheer number of clones that each of them knew for a fact he could produce all at once. As in, enough to 'gangbang' everyone back at the teahouse, all at once – and quite possibly do so without even needing to stop whatever he was doing elsewhere and sit down for a breather.
The discomforted glances intensified, as the implications of that little bit of knowledge began to truly register.
"Hanako Dosukoi was one part prank," the former 'Hanako' continued when there was no argument, "and one part wanting a friend. Is it so perverted for an eleven-year-old with no friends to want one?" He sighed. "Even if I had to pretend to be a girl to find one?"
Sakura shook herself and snickered. "Eh, Naruto? Remember the bit where you repeatedly had us make out with Sasuke while he was tied up? Are you saying that wasn't perverted?"
Ino giggled. "Yeah, how about the bit where you stripped him off so you could get your 'Sasuke' Henge right?"
"Oh, so it's not perverted when you're doing it, is it?" Naruto grinned. "How about the bit where both of you kept trying to get me to kiss him while I was in 'Sasuke' Henge and we were both undressed? I bet you've still got the shower-pics at home, huh?"
The pinkette and the blonde shrugged, only slightly embarrassed. Now that they thought about it, they really had been pretty wild for eleven- and twelve-year-old Academy students.
"What…the…!" Tenten whispered, unheard.
"Hey, you still got those photos I gave you for making genin?" Naruto laughed.
Two hands dove into two pockets. "Right here!" Sakura and Ino chorused. The pair paused to look again at their treasured mementoes and let out lusty sighs. Then they paused again, darting rueful looks at each other.
"You know, Naruto… we don't say this enough, but – you really can be pretty awesome," Sakura informed him, smiling gently.
"Perverted, really perverted," Ino brightly added, "…but still – awesome."
Tenten eventually sighed, having not failed to miss the overall point he was making; as much as he probably was a pervert…well, he was frankly surrounded by perverts. And taught by perverts – including a 'super pervert'. And he'd just come back from the same den of perverts that she had, after listening to the same inane drivel that fifty-plus fangirls were capable of when they were on their favourite subject.
(And, as a certain memory from earlier in the day decided to drift back in, she herself had reacted in a…favourable manner to the idea of making a certain dare to her spandex-clad teammate…)
Yeah, she guessed she could give the guy a pass this time. And then go find Lee, because now she was curious about whether it might actually work.
"So anyway," the weapons specialist asked to put a close to that topic without further fuss, "Hinata – you looked like you wanted to say something back there?"
Hinata jumped a little. "U-um, yes. But … i-it was N-Naruto's solid Henge, so…"
"Heh, yeah," the Naruto clone who had been home already scratched his head as he answered, "that's actually something Boss is keeping secret. He would've said something, but… well, secret."
"Makes sense," Tenten conceded. "That does sound like a great infiltration technique…" She stopped. "Though hang on…"
Tenten stopped again, really considering what she'd just realised. Her eyes snapped wide open.
"Damn, then it really WAS a good thing none of you said anything about that back there. Kage Bunshin is one thing, but…" she snorted with amusement and not a little awe. "A shape-shifting jutsu on top of that? Holy crap, you could look like whoever you wanted…!"
Sakura and Ino froze. And then blushed to Hinata-like levels of redness.
"Hah, whatever size you wanted for that matter! Man, imagine the fangirls getting a hold of THAT…!" Tenten continued, in no way missing the looks on the other three girls' faces. "Sasuke's and Neji's on demand, by the platoon even!" She turned to stare pityingly at the former 'Hanako'. "…You'd never get a moment's peace, would you?"
Ex-'Hanako' shrugged, conceding the point. This did nothing to take away the building of air in three sets of lungs.
"Dibs!"
Sakura, Ino and Hinata gaped at each other participant in the impromptu triple-jinx.
Tenten bit her lip and wished for a camera.
Ex-'Hanako', having had that mindset to form recently, looked around the room quizzically.
The other Kage Bunshin, however, went pale…and then dispelled as quietly as he possibly could.
…
(Naruto froze. And then muttered, "Oh boy," as he began packing up.
At least, if nothing else, Ero-Sennin was out of the village right now. Because he did not want him getting wind of even the rumour of something like this…)
…
"…So!" Ex-'Hanako' broke the tense silence. "Any requests for dinner?"
Ending A/N: Few notes here.
First, Hanako being promoted? The way I figure it, the promotion process for 'reserve' ninja (as established in Ch4/5) would be different to the 'elite genin' – that is, the ones in teams. For these true specialist ninja, those with specific duties, expertise and experience would be the promoting factors. As such, you'd expect them to make chuunin at about the same pace, but only make tokobetsu jounin and jounin as they climbed up the ranks of responsibility in their pigeonholed roles – so for them it would be far slower.
It's easy to see why canon-Naruto isn't promoted – he's mostly a idiot, and to your average ninja he acts and thinks even more like an idiot than he actually is. Only his pedigree, his charisma, the Harry Potter-esque lucky shit he pulls off and the fact that there's a world war on gives him a hope of making Hokage any time soon – and there's a good chance that he'd make it all the way there from genin without ever seeing a permanent rank in between (though recent canon may well have proven me wrong on that one…meh, point stands).
Here, Naruto's problems are mainly based on the chuunin exams, and the fact that he's attended so damn few of them. Hanako wouldn't have that problem, and Tsunade promoting 'her' gives Naruto formal access to resources that improve his chances at surviving his trials ahead. 'Violently anti-pervert' does not equate to 'stupid', especially in Hokage.
Hinata knowing about Hanako? Well of course she does. Her giving the slightest hint of this to anybody? Well of course she doesn't. That, and her fainting spell was due to perverted thoughts…as well as some shyness, because she didn't try not to be a Naruto-fangirl back before the training trip. You can assume that Naruto figured out pretty quickly who was molesting him, and just didn't say anything to her because she'd faint whenever he approached. Same with the stuttering, Hinata not doing at all well when she's not the one working in complete control and anonymity.
Jiraiya being alive? Yeah, so? Meh.
And 'Hanako' spilling the beans like that? Like I've said on multiple occasions now: this is crack. What were you expecting?
Omakelogue: Aw C.R.A.p…
Summary: Epilogue time rolls round once more – when it rains, it pours.
—ox-oxo-xo—
"…and so it is my duty to inform you that with your majority you have been qualified for multiple spouses under the Rokudaime's Clan Restoration Act." Ex-Godaime Hokage, and now adviser to Kakashi's successor, Tsunade Senju utilised every iota of decorum garnered over decades of experience as an iryou-nin to keep the evil grin off her face. "Congratulations, Lord Uchiha."
Recently promoted jounin Sasuke Uchiha, last living member of the Uchiha Clan, blanched. "…Are you trying to get me to defect again?"
That was far as he got before being swamped with ninja wire, ropes, chains, chakra-suppressing shackles and several dozen fangirls.
"Thus far, in anticipation of this event, the Konoha office has registered…" she consulted the relevant paperwork. An eyebrow quirked. "…Thirty-seven individual petitions for marriage. Under the auspices of the C.R.A., I can inform you that each of these marriages are viable." Now, with the Uchiha out of view under a mountain of flesh, Tsunade indulged herself in that evil grin she was holding back earlier. "Of course, as the Lord Uchiha it is entirely within your rights to judge and deny each request on its merits—"
"He won't, Lady Tsunade!" chorused thirty-seven female voices. Somewhere under the pile, one male voice whimpered.
Tsunade nodded regally. "Very well. Best of wishes for the regenesis of the Uchiha Clan, Lord Uchiha. …Now everyone get the hell out of my office."
—ox-oxo-xo—
Nanadaime Hokage Namikaze Naruto looked up from the crystal ball, regarding the scrupulously neutral visages of his own three wives, trying not to wince. He'd been so enraptured by the final conclusion of his Biggest Ever Prank that their sudden presence had gone unnoticed.
This, Naruto conceded, could be painful. They had been most insistent about him not using the crystal ball for nefarious purposes…
But then, he was pretty damn sure by this point that this wasn't the kind of 'nefarious purpose' they were worrying about.
He shrugged, with not the least bit of guilt. "Worth it."
Sakura, Ino and Hinata stared at him, for a moment.
A great deal of violence followed. Sure it was funny, but that wasn't the point dammit!
Ending A/N: Aaaaaaaand done. Anything further I post under this story title is probably going to be unrelated, story seeds or whatever.
Meanwhile, I hope you enjoyed this. Comment would be greatly appreciated; I'll close by thanking all those who have reviewed, messaged, faved, followed or just plain liked reading this.