Castiel was confused. Very, very confused. Up until recently he thought he understood his actions and the reasons behind them.
He and Dean had been on a typical hunt for a djinn that was preying on the residents of a small coastal town in North Carolina. The hunt was fairly straight forward. This coastal area didn't have caves and most houses in the area lacked basements. That cut down on the availabe hiding places to just one old closed factory and two abandoned warehouses. They split up to scout the sites and planned to meet up back at the motel.
That was when Cas got unlucky. Or at least that was what he tried to tell himself. Because he refused to believe that anything as stupid as that low, vile, and disgusting creature outsmarted him. It was just pure bad luck that it got the drop on him and knocked him out as he was entering the factory basement.
Later, when Dean saved him, he had been shaken. Not by the danger, but by the dream he had been in. It was suppose to be a dream of what he wanted most in life. So why hadn't he dreamed he was an angel again? Surely, that was what he wanted most. Wasn't it?
In the dream, he woke up to the smell of coffee brewing and the sound of Dean cooking breakfast in the bunkers' kitchen. After an affectionate good morning kiss and plate of chocolate chip pancakes from Dean, he began his day.
Mundane things like cleaning up, making their bed and laundry were made pleasant by having Dean doing them with him. Then after lunch he helped Sam with research while Dean went to the nearest town for supplies. Supplies they needed because they were having their friends over for a "family" dinner.
Apparently, the angels never fell in his perfect world. Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Kevin were still alive and doing well. Anna and Balathzar were his human siblings that loved him. They were all there that evening happy in this close gathering of loved ones.
At the end of the day, after everyone left, he led Dean to their bedroom where they were very glad the walls were soundproof. Their lovemaking was passionate, loud, and enthusiastic. Castiel couldn't imagine anything more wonderful than being with his lover like this. There was no pretense, no hesitation, nothing but total joy. After he fell blissfully asleep in Deans' embrace, he was abruptly awakened from the djinn dream world by the hunter saving him.
It was nearly an year since he had decided to convice Dean that he was loved and wanted in the way he needed. It was a decision he was content with. The hunter had endured so much pain and loss in his life that Cas couldn't deny him the confort of feeling that somebody who knew his mistakes and flaws could still love him.
He had emersed himself in the role of both romantic lover and willing sexual partner. That wasn't the problem that haunted Castiel.
If it was just a roleplay, why had it been as if it were true in his so called perfect dream world? Why had he been so happy and content without even a thought of pretense or deception?
He's pondering these questions as he makes himself a cup of herbal tea. When it comes,the answer shocks him so deeply that he drops the cup. and as it shatters on the floor he realizes one fact with sudden clarity.
He really does love Dean Winchester with all his heart. What had strarted out as a lie of kindness had become the most wonderously fufilling truth! Exactly when it had happened he didn't know, but now he was no longer living a lie. He felt something he hadn't believed himself capable of. He was in love! With Dean!
"Cas are you alright? I heard a crash. Do you need my help?"
"No Dean I'm fine. i just dropped a cup. It won't take but a moment to clean it up. So you just stay there and I'll be right with you." My Love.