Chapter 1: LIES!
Rated M: For crude language and adult situations (all consenting adults).
Clyde remembered his first kiss like it was yesterday. He was nine years old at the time and Craig, Craig of all people had considered that they might try to platonically practice on one another, for when they were going to kiss girls of course, which Craig was now well practiced in at nineteen years old. Clyde had never been attracted to Craig; not even when they were kids, they were like brothers so that would be weird; however he would have been lying if he said he hadn't enjoyed it for what it was.
Clyde came out to Craig when they were fifteen, crying of course, just had to be crying like the little pussy that I am. He expected Craig to say one of many things, "Gross!", "weird…", or "And you're telling me this because?" What he didn't expect was what Craig actually ended up saying, "So? Why are you crying, it's not that big of a deal." He also didn't expect the sentence that slipped out of Craig's drunken mouth last night at the lake, "Why are you still a virgin, man? You're almost twenty, why haven't you just fucked Butters already?" With a shrill laugh that only escaped Craig in his sloppiest of moments. Clyde had stormed off.
Craig thought just because Clyde and Butters were both … different that they should be sleeping with each other? He supposed Craig would sleep with the only single girl at a party if he had no other options despite how off she may look "Just a little more blind juice," he'd say slurping on a beer before dragging the cow off to an abandoned room. Yuck!
Clyde guessed he could seduce Butters into bed but knowing Butters he would probably get attached and cause an bunch of drama, blah blah blah. He could see it now, "Oh Clyde!" Butters would exclaim as if Clyde was a knight in shining armor, "You looked my way?! Marry me!" Alright maybe that was a little ridiculous but Clyde knew he was way out of Butters' league and Butters was likely so naive that he didn't even know what sex was!
Even so, Clyde had thought about it and decided he ought to try and get it out of his system or he may be a virgin forever...
"Butters…." Clyde leaned over the counter of the local post office, looking at the hilariously uniformed boy I could just imagine him going 'postal' and killing everyone in South Park, haha!
"What can I do for you today?" Butters asked him cheerily, with a ridiculously fake smile planted across his face.
"I need some… stamps?"
"Okie dokie, which ones and how many?" Butters laid some stamps across the desk, "these ones donate money to cancer research," butters pointed at a stamp with a ribbon on it, whispering like it was a secret.
Clyde mustered up some courage (Not that he was scared of Butters, he had just never asked anyone out before). "Do you wanna maybe … like…. go on a date with me sometime?" Clyde scratched the back of his head, his eyes darting everywhere but at butters.
"Um… Yeah I guess so." Butters looked properly confused. "What stamps do you want?" He pushed the stamps on the counter towards Clyde again.
"I don't actually need them…" Clyde blushed, "so… yeah."
"Oh… if you were just coming in here to ask me out why did you ask for stamps?" Butters laughed, his eyes giving Clyde a once-over.
"I thought you hated me?" Butters smiled widely at Clyde.
"I don't know, you're always avoiding me!" He was still smiling that cloyingly sweet smile. "That's ok though, lots of people do." The smile faltered a bit but stayed in place.
"I don't avoid you." Well, maybe a little bit.
"Well, where are you taking me?" Butters deposited the stamps back under the counter as he spoke.
"Uh, you know… wherever."
Butters chuckled. "Wherever sounds… great. Whenever too?"
"When do you get off work?" Clyde glanced around.
"Then… I'll pick you up at your house at like 5:30 or 6?"
"Ok." Butters was leaning against the counter, his grin had gone from fake-sweet to humor.
I guess Shakey's Pizza is as good as any place, right? Clyde thought, staring across the booth at butters, What am I doing!? The silence was awkward.
"Butters, have you ever dated anyone?" It slipped out, Clyde rarely thought about what he was going to say.
"Yes." Was Butters' short answer while browsing the menu.
"Oh." Clyde was surprised, he was sure this was level playing field when he had asked Butters out. Maybe it was just a childish relationship. "Are you a virgin?"
"That's awful personal." Butters giggled. The waitress came up and they each ordered a slice of pizza and a soda (Butters got a cheese slice, Clyde got the garbage pizza).
Butters blushed, Clyde was nearly sure of the answer… "No." Butters was blushing harder. "But I'm not a whore or anything!" He added with a nervous laugh.
"Of course not…." Clyde was blushing too. Butters had had sex?! And he hadn't?!
"What about you?" Clyde wasn't expecting retaliation!
"Uh… Of course not! I just figured you were…" LIES!
"What?" Clyde looked up suddenly.
"Why did you figure I was?" Butters raised an eyebrow in amusement.
"No offense, you just seem really innocent."
"I said I'm not a whore or anything!" Butters laughed out loud, "It was just with the same person…"
"My ex-boyfriend Stephen, from Denver. Long distance wasn't really working for either of us so I broke up with him about two years ago." Butters did the breaking up? What?!
"How about you?"
"Who was your first?" Butters smiled sweetly, "I told you!"
"Uh, just a one night stand in the city…" Clyde lied, "You know how it is… how long were you with Stephen?" He tried to change the subject.
Butters laughed at Clyde's shy babbling. "Are you planning on having your way with me?" Clyde choked on his soda, "You're just asking a lot about my sex life!" Butters laughed.
"I've actually never… been with anyone… ever." Clyde responded miserably. "That was a lie, I'm sorry."
"Oh, that's why you asked…" A look of realization came over Butters' features. "You're so attractive, I thought you'd had a ton of partners!" A cute little giggle bubbled up from his lips.
"No, I'm pathetic." Clyde frowned, looking out the window to his left.
"That doesn't make you pathetic; it makes you a real gentleman!" Clyde smiled.
"I went on a date with Butters a couple days ago..." Clyde mentioned casually to Craig.
"Ah, good. Did you hit that?" Craig grinned.
"No! It was just one date!"
"Aw that's so adorable, you have morals!" Craig chuckled. "Did you try? Was he all shy and not letting you get it?"
"No, he tried to kiss me and invited me into his house, which I did neither of! He's a sexual deviant!"
Craig snorted at this, "I never thought I'd hear someone call butters a sexual deviant."
"Who does that stuff on the first date?!" Clyde started to get flustered.
"Sex? The majority of people. Kiss? Everyone, Clyde." Craig sighed. "You might have lost your chance, what a pity." He shook his head.
"I thought he'd be desperately blowing up my phone too since he has my phone number now, but no, not even one lousy text."
"You're hilarious." Craig chuckled again, "Hey!" He yelled over Clyde's shoulder, "Butters, come here!"
Clyde groaned as he turned to see Butters coming across the street towards them.
"Hi Craig!" Butters smiled happily, waving at them. "Hi Clyde!" Clyde grunted in response.
"So, I heard all about your date." Clyde huffed at his side.
"Shut up Craig!"
"Oh." Butters frowned, "It wasn't a big deal."
"I know, sorry Clyde was such a girl!" Craig and Butters laughed together. Clyde was not amused.
"Any chance he can have a second date? He's been gushing over his phone waiting for you to…" Clyde elbowed Craig mid-speech, "…call him. ow!"
"Shut the fuck up!" Clyde growled.
"Of course! You could have just called me Clyde." Butters laughed while walking away, "So… call me!" He finished over his shoulder.