3Disclaimer: Hetalia belongs to its respected owners. Which by the way isn't me. :)
Warnings: Um well somewhat graphic abuse. Sensitive themes I guess. Beware. I think it is suitable for being rated teen but is kind of on the higher end... Read at your own risk I guess.
Italics are Amelia's inner dialogue. Just F.Y.I.
I'm just going to put this here.
I sit on the windows ledge watching the snow fall. I'm cold. My breath is making the glass foggy. I smudge a little frowny face on the glass.
I used to like the snow.
I used to like a lot of things.
In our backyard I can see little ghosts of Ivan and I having snow ball fights. Planting a small patch of sunflowers and strawberries. Playing with the hose, trying to beat the heat of summer. Jumping in leaf piles, Him and I laying down making snow angels. At one point, under the oak tree, there used to be a little snow man and woman. They have long since melted. It wasn't long after that day that the monster came.
The monster is Ivan's violent, controlling side. Another person completely. That man is downright terrifying. Anything can flip him like a switch. An innocent disagreement can turn into an all out war, with dishes and glass flying. Beatings are like none other. When he starts to get into one of his moods, he looks right through me, his eyes dull and unfocused. It's as though he has one foot somewhere else and he's barely clinging to the present. Not like he wants to be here anyways. Back when we first met, Ivan's eyes were so warm and full of love when he would look at me. Now it's like he can't even see me.
Do you think he even wants to, Amelia?
.
The first time he hurt me, I had made Ivan angry. I don't even remember why we fought. It was so stupid. I tried to apologize for what ever I did, but he just became enraged. He yelled that I ruined it. Ruined what? Our perfect life? No. His life is ruined because I am a whore. I walked out of the room trying to be the bigger person, but it just didn't work. He followed looking all sad and regretful. I felt like I was going to suffocate. I couldn't breath. I couldn't. All I wanted to do was shove him away. I just wanted to breathe. I just got caught in the moment, and I did it. I turned around and shoved him. He fell back and landed on the coffee table. He got back up. Ivan stood over me. He smiled. It wasn't normal. He lifted his hand up, as if to touch my cheek. Suddenly there was a loud smack. I felt my blood suddenly rush to my cheek. It was burning. Ivan just whispered an apology.
Of course I didn't think much of it. It was just a one time thing right? Ivan didn't mean it. It was just an accident. I had hurt him too, so it was okay for him to hurt me.
If only that had been true.
That night something broke inside Ivan, and Beast came out to play.
.
I look to the clock; its hands tell me it's three o'clock. You see the thing about Ivan is that he runs like clockwork, whether or not he's the Monster or himself. He'll be slamming the door open at exactly three fifteen. I wonder who will be stumbling through the door today: Ivan or the Monster? I really hope it's Ivan. I miss Him. I haven't seen him in a while.
I let out a groan as I drag myself to my feet and limp over to my dresser, which holds my full length mirror. First I just try to comb my hair and ignore everything else, but considering I'm missing a large chunk of hair, the spot is about the size of my fist, it's not hard for my eyes to wonder away from my face. I need to take stock of my bruises anyways. My body is littered with them. The Monster leaves them without hesitance or mercy. The bruises trail down from my cheek to neck and from there they scatter down my collarbone to my arms and though I can't see them I know they cover my back as well. I lift you my tank top and find my abdomen relatively clear, but they continue down to my hips and across my legs. I stare at one of the larger bruises on my ribs, finally mellowing into a deep greenish-yellow. It happened one night, about month ago, I had raised my hand against him to protect myself and... He stopped. He stopped in the middle of a swing. He couldn't stop staring at me. He wouldn't stop staring at me. He wouldn't. I don't understand why. I don't understand. It was strange. He had the strangest look of betrayal and curiosity. It was like he couldn't understand why I would try to defend myself. When he looked me directly in the eyes he looked at me with a bit of insanity and lust. He scared me, right down to the core. He wanted something. He was hungry for it.
He switched back to Ivan after that, but only for a little while.
My hand wonders down to rub my bloated stomach in absent minded circles. Maybe the Monster just has a soft spot for kids. I don't think the Monster likes the baby, it makes him realize his human side. He doesn't like that he is human, after all. It's his fault I'm pregnant. That night we didn't exactly agree to 'make love'. That night he knew what he wanted, it's what he had lusted for, so he took it. The Monster made my worst nightmare come to life. That night there were screams, broken bones, and blood, tears, pleas that fell on deaf ears, and ripping, begging, and pain, so much pain. I couldn't walk for days.
Later that very night, Ivan came back and he wiped the blood off of me, he cleaned himself and I. He wrapped me in bandages. He's such a lovely doctor. He cleaned away what the Monster did and washed it down the drain. He whispered in my ear while in bed. Said he loved me, promised he wouldn't do it again, said it was an accident, said he would never forgive himself. He said he was sorry. He started to pray. He prayed it wouldn't go so far next time. Said he would miss me: aim for the wall. He prayed and prayed. For me he said. He prays for me. And for him.
Whispering.
Always whispering.
Whispers to the wind.
Mumbling the same words.
Mumbling.
I don't care anymore.
I don't need them.
He pulls me closer.
I'm fine, really.
I can handle it.
I am fine.
Help me.
Your fine, Amelia.
.
I turn my head sharply away from the mirror. I can't stand looking at my body, my bruises. They're hideous. I'm not myself anymore. I'm a yellow, blue, black, and purple freak. I'm just bones too tightly wrapped in skin. I look like some kind of alien.
I'm a freak.
You're a freak.
I was beautiful at one point in my life. Bright smiles. Glossy blonde hair used to grow on my head and fall to my shoulders. I was tan. Glowing, never-ending blue eyes. I laughed. I had friends. Wonderful people. That is what I was before. Now I'm just some cheap knock off that's been beat up a few times.
Dull.
Useless.
Gone.
This is what you are now. Get used to it.
I stumble my way to my bed. I crawl to the center and lay there. I tuck my knees up as far as I can, nearly to my chin. My arms, I cross them over my chest they lay on my bloated stomach. I watch the snow fall.
It's falling, falling, falling. Just like me when he throws me against the wall.
It feels like forever. Or is it minutes? Hours? Seconds? What is time anyways?
It's my fault.
Why, Amelia?
If I were better this wouldn't have happened.
Were you ever good to begin with?
He hits me without hesitance; he's never been one to hold back on anything. I've been treated like this for so long, I've forgotten what it's supposed to feel like. That thing that called love.
When it started, I didn't know what to do. What could I do? I stayed to help him out of it, to help him beat the Monster. But he just kept getting worse. The Monster just got stronger. Now to keep me here, he threatens the life of my baby if he finds me. What am I supposed to do? I can't run away. Where would I go? I don't have friends, my family abandoned me. I don't have anything left.
I...I have...nothing left.
I feel a warm pricking sensation in my eyes. It starts to burn.
No. I clench my hand a little tighter. Nails sinking into my palm.
No.
I am numb. I don't cry. I can't feel. I have to save feelings for later. For my Ivan. For Amelia's Ivan.
I need to tuck her away. At least until Ivan pops back up.
.
My anger stirs in silence. Why can't he just get help instead of sitting in the dark? I'm ready to leave, to just walk out when Ivan's in control. But I just can't bring myself to do it. He has me wrapped around his fingers. It's going to kill me one day. I'm going to die like this. If I leave someone else could get hurt because of me. I can't live like this though...
I can't make her live through this.
.
I study my arm which has a hand shaped bruise. His hand is large and its print encircles my entire arm. I remember when he first grabbed my hand, I was amazed. My hand fit perfectly with his. I thought he would use them to love me. He used to caress me like I was something to be worshiped, something worthy of being loved. He promised to protect me with his hands. He promised he wouldn't let go. He swore I was good enough for love. What am I now?
What am I now?
You are worthless.
His promises and prayers don't help to sweeten the blows. In fact it hurts like a bitch when his fist meets my skin and it hurts especially when I step all over his broken promises. I don't need those either; I never needed false, broken promises. Who does?
I do.
Yes you do, Amelia.
.
It's three seventeen. I can't hear his car in the driveway. Huh.
He's late.
He's never been late.
Never.
I'm scared.
Who is he today?
Who?
.
The door slams against the wall.
It's not Ivan.
Not Ivan.
Monster.
The Monster is coming to get me.
I sit up. I shift to the edge of the bed, facing the door. I place my hands in my lap and wait patiently. I wait for him to come storming in to our bedroom, or maybe he'll be civil before turning into the devil. Maybe... it won't be too long now. He'll start to drink his goddamned glass of vodka, stumble his way down the hall, and he'll open the door to find me here. Let the battle begin.
.
My thoughts are going a million miles per minute. I feel like I can't breathe. My heart is pounding. I can hear it flooding my ears.
Ba-bum
I have to admit I haven't been exactly innocent. I have thrown my own punches, left my own bruises, egged him on, and started arguments over nothing. I'm human. So is he. We're not perfect. Maybe our whole relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. That was back before I was fighting for someone else.
It's not crazy
No it's not.
I drop my head; it falls heavily into my waiting hands. All I know is that I love them both so much that I can't walk away.
I'm not crazy right?
Maybe.
When did it go wrong? When did the voice start?
You have always been wrong, Amelia. I've always been here
Who are you?
I can't feel the love. Or at least what's left of it.
What is crazy?
Think about it.
It's been going on for so long. I'm growing tired of it. Of the Monster and that stupid voice.
Who are you? Get out of my head!
I'm you, Amelia.
Am I crazy?
You can hear me. Can't you?
Ba-bum
Ivan used to compare me to his sunflowers. They were so alive and beautiful, and bright. Now that winter has come, they're all dead. The frost killing hour. Both of us are wilted and dead.
No chance of resuscitation, no chance of becoming Franken Stein.
I used to smile. There's not much reason to anymore. Is there?
I feel a fluttering in my stomach, then a soft kick. Maybe there is.
...
..
.
Amelia is buried so down deep I don't think I'll be able drag her out. Will she even be there?
.
..
...
I need this.
I need this darkness, like when Ivan is sitting in the living room in the dark facing what he's done. It's the only time I can think clearly.
I need the sweetness, from when Ivan wakes me up by cradling my bruised cheek. And kisses my tears away.
I need the sadness, his weakness.
I need it.
Ba-bum Ba-bum
I can hear his footsteps coming down the hall. With every foot step, the urge to run and hide get stronger. My heart feels like it's going to explode.
Ba-bum Ba-bum ba-bum
Looking up, facing God, I whisper, "Dear God, I need this."
Ba-bum Ba-bum Ba-bum Ba-bum
He's right outside the door.
Ba-bum Ba-bum Ba-bum Ba-bum Ba-bum
I close my eyes and clutch my arms to my chest.
Ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum
I need to hear Ivan's voice, sweet as a lullaby.
I need a kiss good night.
I need him back. He is the love of my life.
I know Ivan has to feel the same.
I need him.
He needs me.
He has to need me.
Ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum
I'm wilting, wilting, wilting, just like the flowers. I can feel the frost settling in my bones. My heart.
Our love is bitter.
I'm becoming untouchable.
Am I going insane?
Yes.
Ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum
Sometimes we talk about the way it was before. When we first met, it was effortless. Our hands were trembling with adoration for each other. Eyes full of love and tangible sweetness in the air. Back when we loved each other.
Babum babum babum babum babum babum babum babum
I squeeze my eyes tighter.
Babum babum babum babum babum babum babum babum babum
"Oh Amelia. Are you playing Hide-and-Seek," He practically sings through the door.
Babum babum babum babum babum babum babum babum babum babum
I feel sick.
BabumbabumbabumbabumbabumbabumbabumbabumbabumBabumbabum
The door slowly creaks open and there the monster stands in all of his drunken glory.
"I found you."
My heart stops.
I hear him walk in and shut the door behind him. He walks around to where I'm perched on our bed. His hand circles around my upper arm and he pulls me into a standing position. His other hand jerks my chin up.
"Hello. Amelia, why don't you open your eyes? You know how much I love them."
It's so tempting but I know what's going to happen when I do.
"Amelia Open your eyes."
I shake my head.
"Open your eyes."
No.
"Open. Your. Eyes."
I can feel spit land on my face with every single word.
Well it's now or never.
My eyes flutter open. I ended up being face to face with Ivan. He's bent down so that our noses are barely touching. His eyes are an empty void. The smallest of smiles appears on his lip.
"I love your eyes Amelia. They're deep like the ocean. Such a pretty blue."
Suddenly his fist collides with my cheek. It knocks me clear across the room. When I hit the wall all the air escapes my lungs in one painful gasp. As I struggle to regain my feet, Ivan is already coming at me again.
"Or maybe they're like the sky. What do you think Amelia?"
I feel the sting on my cheek. He grabs me and pins against the wall. He holds my arms above me with a single hand.
"Let's have some fun, da?"
His lips find their way to my neck. Sucking and biting. His teeth are biting my skin and turning it to ribbons. There's blood and harsh bites and hand gripping far too tight. I start yelling at him. I tried to form words but it just comes out as incomprehensible screaming. I can feel my blood sliding down my chest. He trying to muffle my screams by putting his hand in my mouth. No. Not tonight.
I bite down hard on his fingers. I can feel the metallic taste of blood covering and sliding across my tongue and it burns its way down my throat.
He slams my head against the wall. Everything is warped and black spots flutter across my vision. He does it again and again. His hand runs down to my hip and grips it tight enough to leave marks. He uses his nails to turn my thigh into shreds. He finally let go of my arms and I try to push him off me but it's like I'm pushing against a brick wall. It doesn't help that the world is lopsided and spinning the wrong way. His hand glides down my arm and the other hand sides up my torso, and they make their way to my protruding stomach.. He starts to press down.
What's he doing?
I don't understand.
You aren't supposed to.
"Why don't we just get rid of the brat now rather than later, hmm? So we can have fun again." He presses down harder now.
Hell no, I won't let him. Not my baby. I shove and hit, claw and bite at anything within my reach. I kick at his shins. I clip his neck with my teeth. My nails connect with the flesh of his cheek. I rake them down and take some skin and blood with me. It shocks him into letting me go. He walks away from me with his hands up in surrender.
"Okay do you have something worth your while to say," he questions, his head tilting mockingly. Blood dribbles down his cheek. His eyes shine with insanity. He has the biggest smile on his face. It's going to split his face in two.
"I want to talk to Ivan."
"Well голубушка , Ivan's not here at the moment. Leave a message."
"I'm leaving."
"Excuse me," he deadpans the smile melts away to reveal something that's hallow and near dead, "Don't you love him? Don't you love me," He starts grinning again,"do you even want to know what I'd do to him if you left. Remember Amelia, you are not the only woman in the world. It'll be easy enough to fool them into the exact spot where you are standing. Don't think you're special Amelia. You're just a brainless whore. Would you like to bear the guilt of having the blood of an innocent women on your hands because you didn't love me enough? Not to mention that I'll find your kid and kill you. Can you rest with that on your mind?
Plus where could you go? You're family abandoned you. They're not going to take you in just because you're knocked up. You can't run to your dear little Arthur either. He thinks you don't even care about him. Which is probably true. You are a whore, Amelia. You don't care about people.
You can't leave. Don't be so stupid. Боже I hope the kid isn't as stupid as you.
No one can just leave, Amelia."
He is staring at me. Waiting for submission.
No.
"I can't take this anymore! I've tried so hard. I've done everything I could have done. I cut off the ties to my family because you told me to! You said it would make things better! You lied. You told me Arthur hated me! I quit my job for you! I thought it would help you to see me more often. I tried to motivate you to get help. To get medicated," I don't know who I'm screaming at any more, "I tried to help, but you wouldn't let me, Ivan! I'm tired. All I wanted was to make you better.
I don't like you. You. Are. A. Monster. I hate you! All I have ever done is love you! I gave you everything I could possibly give! You stole the rest! You took every thing and broke it!
You did that to your sisters. They loved you so much. And you threw it all away!
I won't be like them. I'm not going to try and come back to you. I just can't do it. I don't know what you want from me! I want my Ivan. Or I'm gone. We're leaving. GIVE HIM BACK TO ME." My hands rake through my hair. I want him to understand. My Hands move frantically in front of me trying to provide a picture for him, but I can see it in his eyes. The Monster doesn't understand. In fact he looks pissed.
He starts to come at me again, growling, "You little bitch."
I shouldn't have brought up his sisters.
Shit.
I need something to get him to switch back. I do the only thing I can think of I brace myself and start to scream bloody murder, "Stop! Don't hurt me! Think about her! Think about the baby!" Tears fall freely from my face and fall splattering to the floor. I wasn't meant to say that. I shouldn't have said that.
He snaps out of the haze. He jerks to a stop.
"Her?"
It's Ivan.
"You've been gone awhile."
Shit. The Monster knows now.
"Oh dear God what have I done?"
He knows perfectly well what he's done. He has eyes, doesn't he?
"Shut up."
Oh God.
What have I done?
"O Боже-"
"I said shut up."
He knows.
"I'm sorry. I thought-"
He tries to touch my arm. I flinch away.
He wasn't supposed to know.
"Shut up Ivan!"
He backs away again. He starts to cry and sinks to the floor.
I slide down the wall. My knees finally gave out. I'm surprised I lasted this long.
"I'm so sorry Amelia. I thought I had him under control. How long has it been," He chokes out in between sobs.
I pity him.
"Its been about a month. Maybe a month and a half. I found out the gender about two weeks ago. I didn't want to tell him. What do you remember?"
It's really hard to breathe. I think I broke another rib.
"Nothing. I remember nothing...I think it's time to get help."
Well that's a surprise.
"What?"
"I won't be able to live with myself if I hurt the baby."
What about me?
"You know what this means right?"
"It's worth it as long as one day we can leave this behind."
I crawl over to him. He opened his arms and I lean into his embrace.
"I love you Amelia. Я так люблю тебя очень много. I will change. I promise."
"I love you too."
Here we go again.
How many times has it been, Amelia?
Maybe this time it will be different.
He promised.
The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
How many times has this happened, Amelia?
I lost count.
I start to cry.
A/N
Abrupt ending is abrupt. I wasn't sure how to end it, there were so many possibilities. In one version I was going to have Ivan kill Amelia or have her go into a premature labor, but I thought it was a little dark for this just being rated T. What can I say? I have a lot of feelings.
Inspiration songs:
My skin by Natalie Merchant
Love the way you lie (part 1&2) by Eminem and Rihanna
Any who about the story, I was hoping to capture the feeling of being desperate, isolated, and utter hopelessness. I felt like Amelia would go to the ends of the Earth and back for the people she loves most, which here, is Ivan. It's why she can't leave him. She can't handle the guilt of Ivan's other personality, the Monster, abusing another woman, so this her way of being a hero. Ivan knows about his illness, but is too prideful to ask for help. Yes I know. It's Cliché to make Ivan the bad guy, but it's soooooo easy to. GGAAHHHH I had to explain the story that's NO BUENO!
UGH. I'm sorry I had a really bad day.
Translations:
голубушка (pronounced: golubushka)- Honey, Dear, Darling
Я так люблю тебя очень много.(pronounced: YA tak lyublyu tebya ochen' mnogo)-I love you so very much
О Боже (pronounced: O Bozhe)- Oh God
Take note these are from Google translate so I'm not sure how accurate it is. Hehee *sweat drop*
Drop a review or PM, tell me what you think!
~PEACE