Author's Note: Hey guys! I apologize whole heartedly for how long it's taken me to get this chapter posted. I just started my freshman year of college and I'm playing field hockey for the team which is nice, but basically that means I have no free time whatsoever to write :( I'm terribly sorry for that! I hope this meets all your expectations and that it was worth the wait! We've finally made it to Isengard!

Time to respond to reviews!

Nuka: Glad you liked it! And there is definitely more coming….a lot more *grins evilly*

As for your question, no I don't, sorry! But I do have a Tumblr if you have that!

Nenithiel: I'm glad it made you laugh! It makes me happy to know that people actually like this spawn of my insane imagination!

Katari Michelos: Beautiful idea! I love it! If you have any more things you would like to see please let me know! I always appreciate new ideas!

Crescent Moon Dancer: Thanks! I'm glad you like it! I hope this chapter has you laughing hysterically again :)

the BugSlayer: I like this idea….yesssss I like this idea a lot! :) Keep the ideas coming! They're always much appreciated!

LavenderCrystalofRoses: I'm glad to be back! I'm terribly sorry for the long wait!

Wraven: I'm glad you liked it! I hope you like this one too!


News Flash:Hello my lovelies! This is Glorfindel speaking. Erestor's still out for the count (his poor little heart couldn't take the last list) so I'll be taking over his duties of writing for the day. So I apologize ahead of time if things are out of order, there are grammar issues etc. (I never did like writing very much. I'd much prefer to be out riding Asfaloth if you know what I mean. He's such a nice horse! And he can go very fast too if he puts his mind to it! Did I ever tell you the time…*goes into a long tangent that has nothing to do with the matter at hand*

And that's how I ended up learning how to square dance from a bizarre old lady who liked to make waffles.)

Anywho, let's continue shall we?

We have received another message from the dwarfs via rabid rabbit mail. Well…it wasn't actually from the dwarfs themselves….more like from the enraged (indignant and every other synonym for mad) younger sister of his majesticness Prince Princey Mcbroodypants himself (her words not mine) aka Thorin Oakenshield.

You heard me. Dis is on the warpath.

The note she sent us was basically her ranting about how the Godfather's a complete and absolute idiot. It was really funny to read. The phrases, "sanctimonious # )(*$( !", "no good excuse for a two timing double crosser who can't control is own mafia let alone a bunch of idiot dwarfs", and "sorry excuse for a miserable little godfather" were present a great deal. Lady Dis describes the Godfather so well doesn't she?

Anywho, originally, we were informed Dis was going to join the mafia here in Rivendell to help us round up the dwarfs but apparently there's been a change of plans. Frankly we're not sure how it all happened, because she seemed pretty angry at her idiot brother (if her letter was anything to go by). Now, she's joined our little delinquent dwarfs in their rampage of Middle Earth.

If you think Fili and Kili are bad, where do you think they got their inclination to cause mayhem? Not from their father. He was actually very calm for a dwarf.

Valar have mercy on us all the mother of all mischief has allied against us.

Anywho, after receiving that little bit of news the godfather decided to take a mini sabbatical to help himself recover from the horrifying news (and don't get any ideas. He took the moose with him. We have no idea where in Middle Earth he went). Don't worry though! He'll be back in time for the next list of rules!

Anywho, you wouldn't believe where the little dwarfish buggers ended up this time. No seriously, you thought Lothlórien was bad you won't believe what happened this time. (It was almost as bad as the time when Elladan and Elrohir decided it would be a good idea to sneak out to fight a band of ruffians that had been spotted by our scouts. Lo and behold, they found themselves captured with no hope of escape. And who do you think had to rescue them? No other than yours truly. It was quite a beautiful rescue plan if I do say so myself. And the way it was performed! Oh! It was just a masterpiece! Let me tell you….

(Goes on ANOTHER long tangent that has absolutely NO relevance to the story at hand)

And that is why I will never go golfing with angry drunk Hobbits again.)

Anywho, where was I? (*quickly skims through everything he just wrote*) Ah yes! I was about to tell you where our devilish little dwarfs have disposed of their antics this time! It was none other than…. Drum roll please!

*drumming*

Isengard! Wait no! That can't be right! I'm pretty sure they were due in Mordor a week ago! *Quickly leaves to make sure his facts are right with the nearest elf*

Apologies! My mistake! They have taken the hobbit to Isengard!

Are you ready my little duckies to experience this new horror? I actually thought it was pretty funny, but then again we've lost many our elvish mafia due to the fact that they couldn't take all this insanity anymore. In my opinion, they're all just a bunch of sissies (I mean, they have much more important things to worry about! Like mini-balrogs! Those things are terrifying, believe me).

Anywho, here you go lads and loves! Enjoy!

Section XX - Article V: Concerning Isengard

1. There's a general rule that no one goes to Isengard unless they have to. The dwarfs, Bilbo, Gandalf, Thranduil and Galadriel have broken this rule. They will soon pay for this rule if the Godfather has anything to say about it (you don't want to know why this is a rule. Seriously, you don't. Things don't end well in Isengard. It's like an unwritten rule in the cosmic scheme of things. No I'm serious! If there was a rule book for Middle Earth there would be a rule that says NOTHING WILL EVER END WELL IN ISENGARD BECAUSE SARUMAN STINKS. Ya know what? I'm going to write a rule book like that. It will become a legend that will date all the way back to the first age. It will be so great, all you fools won't be able to handle its awesomness).

2. Another unwritten rule is that we never EVER bring rum to Isengard. Rum + Saruman = not good. Not good at all. We'd rather put up with Saruman complaining about how the rum's always gone than deal with a drunk Saruman.

3. Concerning prior statement, the dwarves have broken that rule. Cue the largest, most chaotic party that Middle Earth's ever seen.

4. To all those reading: for your own safety, HIDE THE RUM! There's still time! HIDE THE RUM BEFORE SARUMAN FINDS YOUR RUM!

5. Um, I have something to say. Whichever dwarf, elf, hobbit, or wizard thought that bungee jumping off the top of Isengard was a good idea is an absolute GENIUS! I mean seriously? How much fun would it be to jump off a …*pauses to mentally calculate height, but eventually gives up*..REALLY tall tower, head first with nothing but a small stretchable rope that may or may not snap in half when you're dangling on it from said tower? Not to mention the fact that there's always the chance you could hit the side of the tower. Man that's gotta hurt. (Fili and Kili apparently enjoyed themselves though. Thorin on the other hand did not. I guess he didn't really appreciate the brothers bullying him into submission and then pushing him off the edge of the tower. His screams could be heard all over Middle Earth. They were majestic screams mind you, the Majestic Thorin Oakenshield couldn't scream any less majestically.) But getting back on topic, seriously! That's such a good idea! (*editorial note: Glorfindel is a suicidal idiot. Don't listen to him*). Apparently Saruman jumped too. There's a rumor going around that the bungee cord broke halfway down but were not entirely sure that's true. If Saruman doesn't show up in the next few days we'll assume he went splat.

6. And just to clarify, THE Majestic Thorin Oakenshield screams majestically, THE Grand Godfather screams grandly, THE Gandalf doesn't scream (he just shouts very loudly), THE Thranduil cries like a baby and Saruman…Saruman screams like a bird that's in the middle of its mating dance or something like that (he flaps his arms like that too! It's quite funny I assure you).

7. Good news! We now have new embarrassing pictures to use as black mail! And for further news, Saruman has been officially renamed as "Saruman the Hot Pink" (thank you Fili and Kili. And Ori of course. That one picture you drew of Saruman chasing after Fili and Kili is just perfect. That look of pure rage on his face…and his ROBES! Oh Valar, his robes! They were just so PINK!)

8. Oh and concerning prior story, don't ever dye Saruman's robes hot pink again. We'd rather not deal with Saruman's wrath again (which consisted of the Godfather waking up with hot pink hair. It wouldn't wash out for a month. Personally I had no problem with it. I thought it was pretty funny. Almost as funny as that one time when…. (*goes into yet another long tangent that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the rule*) and that is why I will never again try to scale one of the trees in Mirkwood completely drunk in nothing but my undergarments).

9. Um…whoever decided that replacing Saruman's pipeweed with something a little bit stronger needs to go into hiding. Like right now. There's a reward for your head. Just your head, no body attached. And concerning that statement, NEVER AGAIN replace Saruman's pipeweed with anything other than pipeweed.

10. Oh you want to know what happened? Well. Long story short, we all learned that Saruman is…well…he is very very very relaxed. It's terrifying. He sat there, with his little star glasses, a glass of wine in hand, his pipe in the other just staring. He just stared at you. It was terrifying. He would just sit there, and stare. Occasionally, if you were really unlucky, he would raise his glasses, and whisper one word: nerd. He called you *sob* a NERD! NEVER GIVE SARUMAN STUFF LIKE THAT AGAIN! PLEASE! DON'T! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

11. Saruman apparently knows very well what Fili did during the ill-fated "Mushroom Incident." He also, evidently knew very well what we did to stop him (You remember, the anvil? Lots of brain-damage?) . Well, Saruman took that idea to a whole new level. Literally. He thought it was a good idea to throw our precious golden-boy off the top of Orthanc with an anvil attached to him. Miraculously, Fili survived and sustained no noticeable damage to his person or his awesome mustache. (Seriously though, he has one awesome mustache. I mean have you seen that braided masterpiece? You know what? I'm going to grow a long beautiful mustache and I'm going to make it exactly like Fili's. Hey, Cirdan has a beard, why can't I?)

12. Anyways, no one is allowed to throw Fili off the top of Orthanc again because we don't want his beautiful mustache to get messed up. We should get that thing insured. Back to the point anyone else can get thrown off. If you want to toss Saruman over we have no problem with that.

13. Saruman doesn't like hunting wabbits with Oin. Hunting wabbits with Oin means getting an arrow to the rear. Or a pointy stick. Whichever weapon Oin happened to be using at that specific point in time. So Saruman and Oin aren't allowed to go hunting wabbits together again.

14. Bifur apparently, had a supreme headache. If you don't know what that means I suggest you run. Now. And never come back. If you do, I am terribly sorry that you had to experience such an event. If we could, we would wipe your memory, but sadly such a thing is no possible. I know it's very upsetting; I would like to forget it too. So anywho, the rule is if there is even the slightest rumor Bifur has a supreme headache, run for the hills.

15. No, you do NOT want to know what a supreme headache is. You do NOT want to know. Believe me. It is not good. At all. Just leave it be. Just let your little minds remain untainted by the horrors that I have known. Ignorance is bliss you know!

16. Dori has short term memory loss. End of story. (You don't want to know)

17. Balin….geez, do we even have to tell you what happened at this point? I mean seriously! Ever since that stupid mushroom incident he's been going insane! (I have a conspiracy theory that Balin is actually an alien spy who has infiltrated Thorin's company and has designs to take over the throne of Erebor! The Mushroom Incident has succeeded in revealing his true colors! Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise! Balin has already brainwashed their little grey cells to bend their minds to his will! Do not, and I repeat DO NOT trust Balin! At this point, we are getting closer and closer to an alien apocalypse! (Editor's note: again, don't listen to Glorfindel. All those years he spent in Mandos really addled his brains. He's not completely there in the head.)

18. Oh….so you still want to know? Why are you guys so curious? I mean do you seriously want to know what happened? Alright fine. Basically, Balin strolled right into Isengard and said it wasn't fit for him wipe his feet on let alone be a part of his supreme galactic empire. He compared it to some weird place I've never heard of before…Alderaan I think? Anyways, the irony of this whole situation kills me. It's like he knew it would happen. You'll get it all in a little while, believe me.

19. I'm really questioning why we have not yet confiscated Gandalf's staff yet. It seriously needs to be done. That or we need to somehow rid Middle Earth of fireworks. Yep, you heard me. Gandalf tried to give everyone a little fireworks show. Casualties abounded. Saruman got his bum set on fire and Thranduil…well Thranduil got a haircut. And so, Gandalf was locked up at the top of Orthanc (they put him in time out). So anywho, Gandalf's not allowed to set off fireworks in Isengard anymore (or anywhere else for that matter).

20. Gandalf, when we find you, we are also going to confiscate your moth. You are not allowed to call the eagles when you're put in time out. You've done that for way to long and we are tired of it. When we find you, you're going to make up for all the time outs you skipped out of. That's at least *pauses to calculate it* ten years in time out. Maybe more. I don't do math so I wouldn't know. But you owe me Gandalf. I've served double time for every single time you skipped out on me. Do you know how long I was in time out because of you? YOU….OWE…ME! (If you haven't gathered, Gandalf got out of time out again. The eagles took him. Again. Why couldn't they ever help me out? There's plenty of room! They could've taken me too!)

21. Apparently Galadriel and Dis hit off pretty well. I'm assuming you don't really understand what this means if you're not running away screaming at this present time. Let me clarify for you: On one hand, we have Galadriel – she can read minds, she has mental telepathic powers, she's scary etc. etc. yata yata, whatever you want to say. And then, on the other hand, we have Dis, the mother of all mischief herself. If you thought Fili and Kili were bad, just imagine how bad she is. She's a 100x worse. She could even rival Bilbo (*gasp* Blasphemy I know! But I would love to see a matchup between those two!) You still don't get it? Good gravy man! Are you really that dense? Galadriel can read minds, she can see into the little speck of gray matter that swims around in that little empty head of yours and if she can do that, she can see what you fear most. Terrifying isn't it? And then we have Dis, who is the mother of pranksters. Put those two together and….If you haven't left yet, I highly suggest you make your way to the nearest exit. Come on people! This is not a drill! Let's move! Evacuation code red is a go! (*leaves, shouting orders as he goes…

A few minutes pass

Distant struggling is heard

Elladan and Elrohir appear dragging an unconscious Glorfindel behind them

Elladan: Hello! We're having a few technical difficulties at the moment,

Elrohir: but we will be on the air again as soon as Glory's finished with his nap.

Elladan: We thank you for your patience.

Elrohir: And we kindly ask you to ignore any prior statements concerning evacuation code red

Elladan: It was a false alarm.

*Glorfindel says something about Balrog shaped cookies*

Elrohir: We will resume this broadcast within a few moments

Elladan: Please stand by.

*Elladan and Elrohir leave, Glorfindel jolts awake a few minutes later*

Whooo….geeze *rubs head* sorry bout that. I can see now why the godfather and Erestor need to take a break from this job. Anywho where were we? Oh yes. Be careful of those two. Try not to make them mad you for any reason. I would make a rule but considering who we're dealing with here's no point. But yeah, don't make them mad.

22. Let me reiterate. DO NOT make them mad. Saruman did, and we found out he has a mortal fear of spiders. Imagine waking up to a bedroom full of spiders. DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT make them mad. I can't emphasize the importance of this enough.

23. Bofur has a happy hat (don't argue, it IS a happy hat! Have you seen how bouncy and fluffy it is! It's beautiful!). As I was saying, Bofur has a happy hat that Saruman has taken possession of. A word of advice: if you don't want to see Bofur go all bloody savage on you (you seriously don't by the way), I suggest you leave his hat alone. We believe Saruman has learned his lesson well enough.

24. The mafia kindly request more copies of Ori's wonderful masterpiece, Saruman the Hot Pink. If anyone sees him please let him know that he will be well paid for his efforts. If he has any other embarrassing pictures of anyone to donate to our foundation we respectful request that he passes them on to us (specifically ones of Saruman doing something stupid or maybe even Thranduil doing something even stupider while he was drunk. Or better yet, ask Bilbo to give us the picture he drew of the godfather and Thranduil tied up in toilet paper during that one incident! Valar, I will pay good money to see that!)

25. Concerning last statement, we suggest that Ori goes into hiding for the time being. Ori if you're reading this, Saruman isn't, and I repeat, IS NOT very happy with you. At all. So if you value your life and your sanity as much as we value you're drawings, for Valar's sake please go into hiding! Or better yet, just come find my division of the elvish mafia. We will protect you in return for embarrassing pictures.

26. Dwalin…oooooohhhhhhh Dwalin. You are in soooooooo much trouble. Like seriously. You're in rabid rabbits from the cave of Caerbannog type of trouble. And don't you dare try and play innocent! We KNOW it was you. We know you stole from the cookie jar! Those were MINE! Saruman made them for ME! I'll get you you miniscule cookie thief! You scum! You maggot! You're the dust I scrape off my shoes! YOU STOLE MY COOKIES! I will lock you up and make you watch as I eat my delicious cookies that you will never have the pleasure of tasting again! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Editor's note: Do we really have to explain? He's crazy. End of story. Moving on.)

27. Bilbo Baggins has been official renamed Bilbo the Menace.

28. Why? What do you mean why? Why do you think? He's a menace to all elfanity and the mafia of black leather wearing elves! I mean seriously!

29. Ohhhh….you want to know what he did? Well, where do I even begin? Besides of course the fact that it is now widely known in the population of Middle Earth that Saruman's room is bright pink with lots of frills, flowers and pink fluffy unicorns. Bilbo is a devious little bugger let me tell you…if he ever tries to do something like that to my room he will have all hell to pay!

30. BILBO IF YOU'RE READING THIS I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID! I'M SORRY! DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO IT! DON'T KILL ME PLEASE!

31. Thorin doesn't know how to get along with anyone who is not a dwarf. You know it, we know it but apparently, Saruman didn't. As we all know, the only exceptions to this rule are Bilbo, Galadriel and the occasional Gandalf. Nowhere on that list did it say Saruman, the Hairless (Majestic Wizard Wanabee) Rat, not even occasionally. So you can imagine what happened when Saruman tried to cozy up to the great King Under the Mountain, the majestic Thorin Oakenshield himself (we believe he was drunk at the time). The Majestic Thorin Oakenshield was not impressed. He usually tries to reign in Fili and Kili's pranking tendencies (he gave up on Bilbo a LONG time ago) but after that little incident, he let them run free to cause trouble to their heart's content. (We blame Thorin for all the destruction that took place afterwards.)

32. Whichever…idiot…decided it would be a good idea to let Thranduil bring his elvish wine with him… to Isengard…to share with Saruman is going to be the object of my sincerest thanks! I mean seriously! When is it not a good idea to get Thranduil and Saruman really drunk together and then let them run loose in the Middle Earth NINJA Warrior obstacle course? It's a real tragedy they actually made it out alive though. Thranduil's "elegant" robes were ruined of course but we can all live with that. (*Editor's Note: Seriously, don't listen to Glorfindel and DON'T let Thranduil bring wine, rum or anything else with alcohol to Isengard.

33. It doesn't really matter anymore, but Saruman says it's a matter of principle sooo yeah. Bombur….Saruman would like the key to his pantry back. And he would also like you to have it refilled in FULL, preferably with salted pork. You personally are not allowed to refill it because you would end up eating all of it again. Make Bifur and Bofur do it. I don't really care, just get it filled.

34. Nori. We thought you would've learned by now, but apparently you did not. Give Saruman his robes back. Like now. I don't care how you do it! Give them to the rabid rabbits for all I care just GIVE THEM BACK! We don't like watching Saruman walk around…in nothing…but his undergarments. Which is what he's doing right now, cause you stole his stupid robes. GIVE THEM BACK FOR THE SAKE OF ALL ELFANITY! JUST DO IT!

35. Like seriously. I beg of you. My eyes are burning. I have been officially scarred for life. I didn't need to see any of this.

36. Kili, that adventurous little bugger, decided to create what he called *pauses, and then proceeds in deep booming voice*Middle Earth NINJA Warrior. Basically, this involved ultimate obstacle courses throughout all the mines of Isengard, and when I say ultimate, I mean ultimate. I'm talking dodging moving targets (axes, arrows, swords, and orc heads of course), jumping from rickety ledge to rickety ledge that may or may not collapse the moment you put weight on it, traversing completely unstable rope bridges that will definitely fall apart while you're right in the middle of it, swinging across empty chasms and rivers of molten metal and most importantly, you most avoid the most heinous trap of all: the potholes (you catch your foot in those evil little buggers, and that hole will close up on your foot faster than you can wet your pants in fear, snapping your ankles in half like a loaf of hard moldy bread. Not good, believe me.) Anywho, this is basically the gist of what happened: multiple casualties all around, a couple singed/severed beards, and Thranduil broke both ankles and both wrists. Those pot holes really hit him hard. Results: Dis/Galadriel tied for first, Bilbo came in a close second and the Fili/Kili tag team came in third. Thorin was disqualified for the following reasons: destruction of course, harassment of judges (Saruman/Gandalf) and finally, for mocking the invalid (aka Thranduil).

37. To sum it all up, I am all for setting something like this up in Rivendell but the godfather is against it. So anymore Middle Earth NINJA Warrior contests are strictly forbidden! (It's not like anyone's actually going to listen to that though. If anyone decides to set up a course, let me know!)

38. We have always believed Isengard to be indestructible. Even Treebeard and the ents couldn't take it down. Well, we have been proven wrong. Isengard is no more. Orthanc is nothing but a pile of rubble now. (Do you get it? The irony? From rule 17? It's like he knew it would happen! Maybe he planned it! Maybe this is the just the beginning…if so…what will come next?)

39. Oh you want to know how it happened? Well, apparently Saruman had been dabbling in some, shall we say, unsavory arts. You heard me. He liked to call it TNT. I'm guessing that meant something like DO NOT TOUCH in Saruman language. Anywho, Fili and Kili touched it…boom. (Maybe Balin TOLD Fili and Kili to go touch it. You never know!)

40. Oh don't worry! There were no casualties! We think. The company and friends survived at least. And Saruman did too….yaaaaay.


Author's Note: Anyways, it would be much appreciated if you guys reviewed :) Or if you have any ideas for the next chapter, just let me know!

Sneak Peak of Next Chapter:

News Flash: Breaking News! Sauron forms temporary truce to get the Company out of Mordor! (Well, he says it's not a truce, more like a temporary mutual understanding to obtain a means to an end, mainly ridding himself of Bilbo the Menace)