Author's Note: Uhhhh…hello! *waves sheepishly*. It's certainly been a while. I'm sorry for the long absence, but I sadly lost the time and inspiration to write this story when I started college, so this sorry and writing in general was kinda put on the backburner. On a whim I opened this story up again last night and almost started crying when I read all the reviews. It warmed my heart to see how much everyone loved this story, as crazy as it is, and filled me with the inspiration to crank this chapter out so I could post it for you guys!
So if you guys are still here after three years of waiting, I just want to say thanks. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews and for supporting this story. It makes me so happy that people actually enjoy this. I'm sorry again for the ling wait, but I'm hoping that now I can actually get into the swing of writing again. I hope those of you who are still with me enjoy this new chapter!
I have a couple of ideas for some new spin off incidents, but other than that, the upcoming chapters are a clean slate. Where should our intrepid mischief makers go next? :)
News Flash: Hello all. *Waves sheepishly*. So…how've y'all been? Still Glorfindel speaking. Erestor's taken an extended vacation to help himself recover from his mental trauma. But anywho, it'd been a while, hasn't it? What like…three years? I dunno, the years all fly by to me. For all I know it could've been ten. But anyways…there was a reason for our extended absence. And no, it's not because the Godfather is having a mental/emotional breakdown because Kili and Thranduil somehow managed to steal the moose back (don't ask me how, Lord Elrond, excuse me, The Godfather, refuses to say anything on the matter. If you ask me, I think the moose ran away and he just doesn't want to admit it. Poor guy).
Anywho, believe me, there is a real and completely legitimate actual reason why we haven't been keeping you up to date with the whereabouts of our favorite dwarves and company (can you feel my sarcasm here? I can. The paper is just oozing with it).
It was truly a terrifying time. For a while, they all just seemed to somehow…disappear off the map.
I'm not even joking. There was no sightings, no ravens sent with pages worth of complaints, no financial reimbursement demands for physical and emotional damage, no rabid rabbits from the Cave of Caebanog seeking revenge…
Erie silence (is that how you spell erie? I honestly have no idea. Erestor's not here to tell me. I miss him a lot. He's been gone a while. All I've got now is Lindir and he's no fun).
The calm before the storm.
I wish I was joking, but it was a dark and stormy night when it finally happened…
When the first knock was heard,
The knock of doom.
Honestly, that's literally what we thought it was when we saw who it was on our door step (how they got there without anyone in the mafia realizing is completely beyond me).
Anywho, you'll never guess who it was, really, you'll never guess.
It was Witch King of Angmar himself. Suffice to say, Lindir fainted right into his arms….the Witch King was not amused.
Anywho, if you haven't guessed where those little nuggets somehow ended up yet, I'm just going to stop now and save you guys all the trauma.
Just kidding! I know you all want the juicy details of what exactly went down!
And if you don't, my condolences, cause you're about find out anyways. Cause let me tell you lads and loves where our intrepid troublemakers went this time! To the land of death and despair itself…
I'm not joking. Do you think I'm joking? Look at my face and tell me this so the face of an elf who is joking. I dare you.
Just see for yourself what happened. I can't even think about it anymore…
Section XX-Article VI: Mordor
1. Did you know that Mordor has its own ecosystem filled with many species that can only be found there? Yep! 'Parently, many endangered species of spider, scorpion and the occasional scavenging bird (like those creepy vulture things. Seriously, they scare the dickens out of me. I'm terrified they're just gonna swoop down and peck my eyeballs out), make their homes in that barren wasteland. And do you know what happened? I bet you can guess. Somebody *cough* Gandalf *cough cough*, with the help of some other people, decided to try and change the climate around a bit. Don't ask me how they managed it. I've learned not to question these types of things anymore. But anywho, it all ended up a huge disaster. As per usual. You heard me. I'm talking worse than Isengard. Worse than Thranduil when he's having a bad hair day! Yeah, it was that bad *shivers*. So, instead of being the frozen/barren wasteland it was, Mordor is now, a swamp. A poisonous, completely toxic swamp. Mordor now brings the game the floor is lava to a whole new level. Literally. Suffice to say, the year-round residents of Mordor were not happy at all. And I'm not talking about a hoard of angry letters in our mailbox. Oh no. I'm talking about a hoard of rage monster level orcs on OUR doorstep! You hear me? ON OUR DOORSTEP! Not only that, we had to deal with the Mordor Environmental Conservation Society! The MECS itself! The president is the Witch king of Angmar! So yeah, that was my Saturday. When I find Gandalf, I'm going to murder him. And I'll make it look like an accident *laughs evilly*. So, no one, be they Wizard, powerful elf or whoever, is allowed to even attempt to change the climate, no matter how bad it is.
2. Mordor has a new annual tournament. Do you really want to know what it is? I mean seriously, I don't think you want to know. I think your poor brains have already suffered enough trauma hearing all these horror stories about the company and what they've done to the poor innocent souls of Middle Earth. I even feel bad for the orcs at this point for Pete's sake! You know what? To spare you all the horror, I'm just not going to tell you. You'll be better off in the end, you will still be able to grasp the few remaining strands of sanity you still have left.
3. *Sighs* I apologize everyone. I've just been informed that I cannot withhold this information from you. Apparently I'm obligated to inform you under orders of the Godfather himself. I don't understand why. I'm sure you would all be much happier if I just didn't tell you. But I digress. Do you remember when I described Mordor's new environment to you? And how said new environment brings the game, the floor is lava, to a whole new level? And how I said that Mordor has a new annual tournament? Have you figured it out yet? If not, let me spell it out for you. Introducing, Mordor's 1st Annual the Floor is Lava Tournament. You heard me. It's literally a race across the most dangerous part of Mordor's new swamp. Whoever touches the ground loses. Literally. Like I'm being completely literal when I say that. I mean seriously, your foot would probably melt off. It was probably Kili's idea.
4. Anyways, I just realized I forgot to write the actual rule down. This is why Erestor should be doing this…Mordor's 1st Annual the Floor is Lava Tournament is also the last. No more tournaments allowed (at least that the Godfather knows of, if you guys want to go underground with it, that's fine by me. I kinda want to try it out).
5. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to punt the Nazgul's helmets into Mt. Doom to see how far they would go was gravely mistaken. You thought those weirdos were creepy enough already? They're even worse without their helmets. We're taking the funds to reforge them out of your treasury in Erebor you hear me? YOUR TREASURY THORIN. If that doesn't get them storming back here, nothing will. Anywho, we don't care if it was a fun game and that the winner got a whole barrel of Dorwinian wine, we will find out whose idea it was, and we will not rest until you are hunted down. (Kili, we know it was you. Just fess up already. Save yourself the trouble. The Mafia of black leather elves is coming for you. You have been warned).
6. Kiki, so help me, if you EVER try to do anything like that again, I will hunt you down myself and they will never find your remains. It was bad enough those guys were storming down our door because of the whole MECS thing, but with their helmets missing on top of it!? You my friend were lucky there were no casualties.
7. I'm still confused as to how this happened, but again, I'm not surprised anymore. The wizards probably had something to do with it (oh didn't I tell you? Since Isengard was completely destroyed, are favorite one-eyed swashbuckling pink Wizard decided to pick up shop and follow the company around. Not everyone was pleased….meaning no one is). Anywho, the wizards, and whoever else was involved, are NOT allowed to turn Mt. Doom into a snowy wonderland. I mean come on, really? You already messed with the weather enough. Just stop it! Why was that necessary?
8. If, for some absolutely bizarre reason, something like this EVER happens again, the dwarves and all else involved will be required to follow all the rules and regulations concerning snow (see Section I-Article II: Concerning Snow).
9. Kili and Thranduil are forbidden to sell majestic moose rides to the orcs. (This is solely for monetary reasons. The sooner those buggers run out of funds, the sooner they'll make a mistake trying to get more *insert evil laugh here*).
10. So… you known how Balin is still suffering from the effects of the Mushroom Incident? (Geeze, if you guys managed to catch him, we wouldn't be in this situation! We have the antidote, we just need the dwarf! The Godfather is literally breathing down my neck because we're not getting results here!...You guys think I'm joking but I'm really not. I'm actually terrified. Please find them soon. For both the sake of my sanity and safety. I can't go back to the halls of Mandos, I just can't!) Anywho, I don't know how it happened (and honestly, I really don't feel like questioning it, again for the sake of my sanity. Can going crazy kill an elf? I don't know, but honestly I'm about to find out) but Sauron and Balin somehow managed to hit off pretty well. The last anyone saw Balin, he was sitting underneath the great eye, and they were apparently laughing at something? I don't know and don't care. I don't even actually have a rule, I thought I should just let you guys know.
11. Concerning prior statement: I actually do care. A lot. And I have a rule: Balin and Sauron are not allowed to interact. Like EVER.
12. Also, Galadriel and Sauron are never allowed to be in the same room. Never ever. The last room didn't survive their staring contest. All that's left is a pile of rubble. Apparently there is some very bad blood between them. I probably know what it is but I am so stressed right now I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning let alone something that important.
13. Scratch prior rule. They're not allowed within 100 feet of each other. Better yet, just keep them on opposite sides of the world for all our sakes.
14. I always knew Thorin would go off the deep end someday (hence why I had a lot of money riding on it), but I never knew it would happen this quickly (hence, why I am now broke and owe the twins a lot of money). The Dark Lord apparently saw fit to question his majesty. Blasphemous, I know. I would put a rule in here specifically for the Dark Lord, but I prefer my head where it is thank you very much. The whole thing is now known as the Clash of Majesty.
15. Thorin is not allowed to unleash his true majesty ever again. We're all lucky he was in Mordor when he did it, otherwise he would've fried everything within a 10 mile radius. (I've heard it's an impressive sight, but sadly no one has ever lived to tell the tale of the beauteous splendor known as his True Majestic Potential).
16. Ori is not allowed to draw caricatures of Sauron, the Nazgul, or anyone who could potentially take his or my own head off. I feel like he would've learned his lesson by now, but apparently not. May I say, I was lucky enough to actually get a glimpse of one of them before they were torched. They were true masterpieces of ridicule. Between us, he actually heard how much I liked them and sent me autographed copies! I'll be willing to let you guys have a glimpse of them for a price. The starting bid is 500 gold. Do I have any offers?
17. We don't know the story behind it and, quite honestly, we're too afraid to ask. But suffice to say, Thranduil and Saruman are not allowed with in 100 feet of Barad-dur's torture chambers? Apparently a few poor orcs are still going to therapy (which we are paying for out of Erebor's treasury, just an FYI).
18. Oin's hunting wabbit again. But, as you've probably realized, there are no wabbits to be found in Mordor. But, apparently his hearing trumpet got either lost or damaged AGAIN (Seriously, you'd think this guy would take better care of it), so instead of hearing "there are no wabbits" he heard "you see those big carnivorous birds over there that are absolutely terrifying? You should hunt those instead"…yeah…suffice to say, Saruman almost lost his last remaining eye, and Oin is not allowed to hunt the native species of "wabbit" in Mordor.
19. Oh, and if you see Oin, just take the stick away from him. Please. For all our sakes.
20. You know that new tournament I told you about? And how we thought it was Kili's idea? Well it wasn't. It was Dwalin's. Dwalin is not allowed to have creative thoughts or ideas. Ever. See, now this is why we can't have nice things.
21. Gloin is not allowed to chop off orc's heads just so he can use them as golf balls. (I mean, it's bad enough chopping the head off of your hosts, but using it to play the worst game to ever come into existence (and I don't have a severe phobia of golf, what are you talking about? I just strongly dislike it) is just inhumane. We gotta draw the line somewhere. Now if you were going to bowl, that would be a completely different story).
22. Nori is never allowed to go back to Mordor. He is never allowed to interact with an orc again unless he is killing it. We do not want to recreate what apparently happened.
23. What happened? Welp, apparently, Nori found his orcish brothers in arms so to speak. You thought the Four Way Alliance wad bad, just imagine Nori and a handful of orcs stealing your precious belongings.
24. Also, the Witch King of Angmar not so kindly requests the return of his teddy bear or heads are going to roll?
25. Bombur is not allowed to try random herbs he finds unless they have been officially verified by at least 3 outside sources as safe for dwarvish consumption. So basically, he's not allowed to try anything in Mordor. We are not going to have a repeat of the Mushroom Incident if we can help it.
26. Dori is never allowed to have a tea party with Sauron again. I will say no more.
27. Bofur is not allowed to teach the orcs drinking songs. This will result in the Nazgul getting angrier than they already are because the orcs' terrible singing at all hours of the night is keeping them from sleeping. I'd like to see you deal with a sleep-deprived Witch King. Yeah. That's right. You don't want to. Well, NEITHER DO I.
28. Fili was surprisingly good on this trip as far as we heard. He probably did something, but word has not reached us yet as to exactly what he did. We will find out though, we always do. The eyes of the mafia are ever watchful. We never sleep. (At least I don't. I haven't slept in eight days. Help me.)
29. Bilbo…oh Bilbo. I never knew he could go so far. He has truly risen to new heights when it comes to pranking. We should all learn from his example. But, in order too avoid another War for Middle Earth, Bilbo is not allowed to create a giant flower crown made with thousands of flowers (we don't even know where he got them all) and place it on the top of Barad-dur around the great eye.
30. Dis' reputation apparently preceded her. She didn't even have to do anything and the natives were already cowering in fear of the "Mother of all Mischief". I almost feel bad for them. Anyways, I would make up a rule about how Dis needs to tone it down a bit, but she'd probably murder me in my sleep.
31. So…with the way conditions were in Mordor what with the rapid change un the environment and the presence of the mother of all mischief and company, apparently a good deal of the native population decided that they couldn't take it. You heard me. They couldn't take it. Cue the largest mass migration of orcs out of Mordor to date. And guess who the lucky elf is who has to arrange living arrangement for these now homeless beings? ….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….yeah….me. I kinda understand now why Erestor is still om vacation.
32. Breaking news! I never thought I would see the day, but believe it or not, Sauron has formed a temporary truce just to get the dwarves out of Mordor! From the letter we received, he sounds desperate. He was practically begging us to come get rid of them all! (I think it was the flower crown that finally did him in. The mere mention of Bilbo's name made his almost cry. Another thing I didn't think was possible, but hey! You learn something new everyday). It took us a week for us to compose ourselves enough to prepare for the dwarves recapture. That's probably why they were gone by the time our mafia actually made it there. Sauron was not amused.
Please let me know where you guys want them to go next/if you have any ideas you want to see :)