1,195Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine.
Note: No offense to anyone named James Matheson.
Lesson # 1: Never Sleep with Men Named James Matheson.
"James, open the door!" I screamed, "Son of a bitch!"
I smacked my fists against the door, and yelled bloody murder. Clad in nothing but booty shorts and a tank top, I was quite a sight to behold. A few neighbors peeked out at me behind the safety of their windows, not even attempting to offer me assistance.
How chivalrous.
Tip: If you ever see a woman dressed like a semi-stripper, you should probably help her. You never know what she's been through.
The window creaked open to reveal two pasty white hands, and a black suitcase. James unceremoniously dumped the luggage into the yard before flinging my belongings haphazardly. I cursed every person in his lineage as my shirts, skirts, and trinkets hit the ground.
Leaving every shred of dignity I owned at the door, I began to collect my things. It was like a fucking Easter egg hunt at two in the morning. He didn't even throw my things in one area; he spread them out around the yard –one heel in the east and another in the west.
"James," I landed a kick in the center of the door, hard enough to rattle the window of the shitty little house. In actuality, all I wanted to do was kick the shitty little house's shitty little owner.
Tip: Kicking solves everything.
"Bella, you have all your stuff, now leave," James said, leaning out of the upstairs window.
"Are you kidding me?" I yelled, "I live here."
"Not anymore!" He laughed.
"If you don't let me in, I will staple your testicles to your forehead, do you understand me?" I kicked the door once again in a futile attempt to enter the house. I swore I heard one of the hinges surrender, and so I considered delivering another roundhouse kick. But James's next words made me lower my leg.
"If you don't get off of my lawn, I'm going to call the police," he threatened, "Do you understand me?"
"Ugh," I screeched wilder than an Irish banshee, and thrashed against the wooden slab. "I hope the government selectively infects you will smallpox, James Matheson!"
"You are so immature, Bella, I have no idea what I saw in you," James opened the window to shout. He slammed it shut for what I thought was his finale, but then he reopened it to yell, "And for the last time, I told you the government doesn't do that!" Then he shut it for good.
"James? James!"
Note: Not every 'James' in the world is evil. It is only ones of the 'Matheson' variety. They are known to be highly obnoxious and hazardous to your health. Therefore, it is not advised that you avoid all 'James's; however, handle with caution.
Like it? Love it? Kind of want to selectively infect it with smallpox? You can't, but you can tell me what you think!
~CH