Writing well is haaaarrrrrd. So bridgestocross and I decided to stop doing it (*cough* assuming we ever did *cough*). We wrote this instead. We are sorry in advance.
Also, sorry for the double-post: We wanted to be sure that every person who had either of us on author alerts knew about this. Future (hypothetical) chapters would be published in one or the other of our accounts.
It's not the fic the Covert Affairs fandom deserves...but it's the one we need.
BTC & CC2
So Annie and Auggie were hanging out one day, just chillaxing. And then Auggie was like, "Marry me!" And Annie was like, "Okay, cool!" And then they got married.
And then later they were like eating chips or something ("or something" 'cause Auggie's blind if you didn't know, so he couldn't tell exactly what he was eating but he trusted that Annie wouldn't let him eat poison, so it was all good in the hood), and a knock came at the door. "'Sup?" called Annie.
"It is I."
Those two lovebirds smiled at each other. No mistaking who that was! "BARBER!" they both cried out, then collapsed in a fit of giggles.
And then twenty minutes later they let him in.
So Eric Barber was all, "Walkerson, I have a new mission for you, should you choose to accept it." He adjusted his customary monocle and blew his nose on his handkerchief and stuffed it back in his jacket pocket. Which was gross. Auggie wrinkled his nose because he had heard the whole thing and knew exactly what had happened.
"LULZ. Gross, Barber," he said. "So what's this mission, yo?"
"Well, ever since Auggie was exposed to those toxic chemicals that rendered him blind and super-handsome, we've been searching for the perfect mission."
"Go on..." Auggie gestured with his laser cane.
"Anyway, there's about to be a benefit for the mega-rich people of Europe and we have intel that a robbery will occur that same night at the very chateau where the benefit is being held!"
"What can Auggie do?" Annie asked, while sharpening her stilettos.
"Well, valuable intel is being kept in a really old-fashioned safe. Now that Auggie's blind, he naturally has superior hearing and can easily crack the safe. Annie, we'll need you to go as his super hot date and also as a lookout."
"Can I wear my motorcycle jacket?"
"Duh. No. A sexy dress, please. And don't bring that stubby gun. You only need your hotness. That, coupled with Auggie's extreme attractiveness, should sufficiently distract everyone enough so that you can waltz right into the room where the safe is being kept."
"When do we leave?"
"Where will you be, Barber?"
"In an unmarked van outside the event. No one is ever suspicious of a gray van. Also, I have a heart-2-heart scheduled, so I'll need the van for that, obviously."
Then Annie and Auggie were at the buffet table at the European thing.
"At your twelve o'clock is caviar. At your twelve-thirty is canapés. At your one o'clock is tea sandwiches. At your one-thirty is Brie & water crackers. At your two o'clock is olive tapenade. At your two-thirty is artichoke dip. At your three o'clock is crême brulée. At your three-thirty is molten cake. At your four o'clock is a berry tart. At your four-thirty is tiramisu. At your five o'clock is white chocolate mousse. At your five-thirty is ladyfingers. At your six o'clock is baklava."
"And then there's drinks."
"At your six-thirty is Chardonnay. At your seven o'clock is merlot. At your eight o'clock is Möet et Chandon. At your eight-thirty is still water. At your nine o'clock is Perrier. At your nine-thirty is limonata. At your ten o'clock is aranciata. At your ten-thirty is sangria. At your eleven o'clock is coffee. And at your eleven-thirty is tea."
"Hold up," said Auggie. "What's at my seven-thirty?"
"Oh," said Annie. "A shit-ton of Orange Fanta."
"I think the top hat might be a bit too much," Annie said while guiding him as they tangoed.
"I'm not taking off my top hat. Everyone will know that I just got the world's worst haircut."
"No one else is wearing a top hat. You look a little funny."
"Now who's being funny? Annie, maybe you're not totally aware of my effect on the ladies." To demonstrate his point, he turned his head in the direction of the nearest female and shot her his 'I think we should have sex' lopsided grin. As expected, the woman came over to him immediately.
"I really like your hat. Is there somewhere private we can go?"
"Excuse me," Annie said, forcefully breaking the spell between Auggie and the woman. "He's with me."
"Sorry. I'm with her. She's my handler...I mean, my spy...I mean, my lookout. Damn it. My WIFE."
The woman shrugged and walked away.
"That was close, Auggie. I think your skills in the field are a little rusty."
"As if..." He spun her around and dropped her into a dramatic dip as the violins swelled to a crescendo.
Annie was flustered as Auggie pulled her back up against his chest. "Oh my."
"Now, let's go commit a robbery," he said as he nuzzled her cheek and very obviously pulled a security key-card out of his pocket and handed it to her.
Then they were like walking up some stairs or whatever. And Auggie was all like, "Here comes a dude." And Annie looked up and sure enough - there was a dude.
"Where are you guys going?" asked this dude.
"We're gonna go rob the safe," Auggie explained.
"AUGGIE!" Annie shouted. "Don't tell him - "
Auggie clapped a hand over her mouth, smearing her lipstick so she looked like Heath Ledger's Joker from Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Batman trilogy. He could tell just by feeling it.
He turned to the dude. "One sec," he said to him.
"Certainly," the dude said back. Then he waited patiently one foot from them, totally not listening while they talked. Annie knew he couldn't hear them because she had tailed Henry Wilcox at this distance and he'd never suspected her. And he was a master spy! This guy was just a dude!
So Auggie was all, "Annie. Oldest trick in the book. Since we told him that we're going to rob the safe, that'll be the LAST THING he actually expects us to do."
Auggie turned back to the man and snapped his fingers to get his attention. When he could tell by the air currents that the man was looking at him again, he said, "All right, we're just gonna go rob that safe now."
"HA! HA! HA!" The man just laaaauuuughed and laaaauuuughed.
"Told ya," Auggie said as Annie led them past the mirthy gentleman. "I like your red dress, by the way."
She gasped. "Auggie! How did you know I was wearing a red dress?"
"Red gives off a very particular scent."
Annie just stood there letting the flies in, mouth hanging open like an idiot. Then she was like, "You can smell the color red?"
"What? No! I can't smell colors, dumdum. What are you, insane? I didn't mean RED gives off a smell. I meant THAT RED DRESS gives off a certain smell. When's the last time you had it dry-cleaned?"
"Oh," Annie answered, feeling like a total tool. "Um...I guess not since my coma-dream?"
"Okay, the safe is in the center of the - "
"Annie, puh-lease. As if I can't find the - d'oh!" he said as he ran into the large metal object in the center of the room. "I meant to do that!"
"Yeah. Anyway, here's your stethoscope for cracking the safe."
"Where were you hiding that?" he asked as he positioned the stethoscope over his headphones over his ears.
"In my free 'Fresh Off the Farm' backpack. Duh. Where was I supposed to keep my spy stuff?"
"Good point. Now, I'll need total silence for this." Auggie put the end of the stethoscope up to the safe and listened with very squinty eyes to denote the most serious of thinking was taking place.
"The combination is 06-24-14," he whispered as he quickly moved the tumblers to their correct position.
"That number sounds really familiar..." Annie scratched her head while circling the room. "I think that was the day I popped up on the metro in DC."
"Annie - focus! Let's get the super-secret intel and get out of here! Barber is waiting!"
"Hey guys..." Barber's voice interrupted them as it crackled through the tiny speaker attached to Auggie's headset.
"What is it Barber?"
"When the gray van's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin.'"
"Eww, gross," Annie said as she made a face.
"Well, Walker. It seems we've got time on our hands. Barber's gonna need at least eight more minutes..."
Annie snuzzled up to Auggie. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" she purred. "Oh, yeah," he said back.
They were asleep within seconds.
When Auggie's phone alarm thingy went off exactly 7 minutes and 57 seconds later, they awoke from their catnaps thoroughly refreshed. "Just what I needed," yawned Annie. "Totes," yawned Auggie.
Then they got up and started to do some spy stuff for a little bit. Then the lights went out. Then Annie realized that Auggie didn't realize the lights had gone out. Then Annie said, "Auggie, the lights went out." Then Auggie was like, "Say what now?" Annie pressed her face against Auggie's chest, all scared. Auggie shushed her and ran his hands through her hair. "Annie," he reminded her. "I'm not afraid of the dark." It was SUCH a squee moment. Annie found his lips with her own and raised up on her tippy-toes and then -
Her phone "bonged!" a text. Annie looked down and Auggie could tell she was all freaked out. "What?" he asked.
"Auggie..." she trembled, "It's Henry Wilcox. He wants to meet me by the Washington Monument in an hour." Auggie peed his pants just, like, a teaspoon amount. It would've been more, but just then they heard laughter from over to their left...ish. Annie whispered to Auggie, "Did you hear that? Sounds like someone just laughed."
"Yeah," Auggie responded. "It did. And it sounded...Mossad-ish? Is that weird?"
Just then the lights came back on and Eyal was standing there. Annie gasped! "Eyal!" Auggie announced.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?" Eyal and Annie both shouted in Auggie's face in unison.
"I could hear his earlobes brushing his suit coat collar," Auggie admitted.
"They are massive," Annie allowed.
"I like you, Auggie Anderson!" Eyal chortled. Then they were, like, talking a bit. And just catching up. You know, on spy stuff. Eyal told them it wasn't really Henry who had texted Annie. Nope, that sucker was dead as a doornail. It was Eyal. You know, just j/k'ing a li'l bit. And then Eyal mentioned that Annie's Israel blood tests had come back.
"So you have myocarditis."
"I know that."
"But I bet you didn't know that you're my sister."
Now it was ANNIE'S turn to say, "Say what now?" So she did.
"Yeah, we're totally brother and sister. Your dad knocked my mom up when he was stationed in Jerusalem during the war."
"What war?" Annie was confused.
"Anyway, so we can never, ever be a couple," Eyal said.
"Like...ever?" Annie asked.
"NO WAY," Eyal said. "LIKE NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER IN A MILLION YEARS. IT WOULD BE SOOOO GROSS. IT'S NOT OKAY. YOU AND I ARE NEVER GOING TO 'HAPPEN.' I WISH PEOPLE WOULD GET THAT INTO THEIR HEADS."
Annie was all surprised that he was making such a big deal, but she just shrugged. "That's cool, I guess. Auggie and I are banging now. Plus, our 'shipper name would be 'An-al,' so..."
"Actually, Annie and I are married now, Eyal. We mentioned that at the beginning of this fic - er, mission. Anyway, speaking of banging, what say we head back to that gray van?"
"Oh, just one more thing before you go..." Eyal stopped them by holding Auggie firmly by the shoulders.
"I'm sorry, and this isn't personal, but…I have to unfollow a bunch of people on Twitter. It's just too clogged."
"Wait, you're talking about me? You're gonna unfollow the great Auggie Anderson?"
"You clog up my feed with memes of your cat. Sorry."
"I knew you were bad news, Eyal." Auggie turned and followed Annie out the door.
"Barber!" Auggie yelled as he banged on the van door. "C'mon, man, I gave you seven minutes in heaven...let's go!" The van door opened and a disheveled Barber appeared with his lady friend. "Sorry, guys. Um, this is my, um, friend, Hayley Prices-Right."
"Hello. I'm the HBIC. I work for the NCTC."
"What's that?" Annie asked as she climbed over Auggie's lap to enter the van. Auggie leaned over and whispered to Annie, "It's where they put agents who don't meet the height requirements for the big kid rides."
"I heard that!" Hayley called from below. "I'm better than Annie Walker any day of the week. We should probably have sex right here so I can prove my point."
"Fine." Auggie began taking off his tuxedo jacket. He turned to Annie, "It IS the only fair way to settle this."
"Wait, Auggie - where's your tattoo?"
"It came off when I went swimming earlier. I forgot to pack extras."
"Well, I can't have sex with someone who doesn't have a tattoo!" Hayley exclaimed as she began redressing.
"I have a tattoo!" Barber yelled from the back of the van where he was popping open another bag of chips.
"Flash Gordon doesn't count!" Hayley yelled as she slammed the van door and clomped away.
"Um, guys? I think we've got company," Barber said as he and Annie watched shadowy figures approaching the van.
"We should probably sit here longer then."
"Yes, that's definitely the right strategy," said Annie. "Meanwhile, I'll sneak out and tail one of them. I'm such a good tailer...I'm the bestest. Good thing I'm wearing this bright red dress and ridiculously high heels." Annie loudly exited the vehicle and clacked her way across the cobblestone directly behind one of the shadowy figures. He didn't even know she was there because she was that good.
"Wow, man. You're girlfriend, er, wife is soooo good at her job."
"I know, right?"
"I mean, does she even really need a handler? Besides, I never really got why you were assigned to her."
"What do you mean - because I'm BLIND?"
"No, because you have the worst impulse control I've ever seen. I mean, is it possible for you NOT to sleep with your operatives?"
"I didn't sleep with Garrett!"
"Auggie, who's kidding who?"
If you liked it and want more, review and/or PM us with ideas. If you didn't like it, um, scream into the night sky and curse the moon? It's what we do.