A/N: So after watching the Hobbit, and the Lord of the Rings with my friend, we have noticed that everything in Mordor, is really pointy. This observation sparked this really random one shot. This fic kind of borderlines on a crackfic, but hey, why can't Orc's have opinions! This is meant for fun and humor. So please, don't take it seriously!
(I am not the best at grammar, so sorry for any mistakes.)
Disclaimer: I only own this odd Orc's opinions.
Please read and review.
So I am just your everyday Orc living in Mordor. I have been kicking around for about twenty years now, and I have made a very stunning observation - there are spikes on almost everything around here!
Seriously haven't you noticed? I certainly have!
Okay, now I know that some things should be spiked, like gates and weapons, and so forth. We are at war after all! But really, there are A LOT, of unnecessarily pointy objects objects around here.
Examples of such objects are walls, doors, door knobs, table legs, bowls, cups, and even napkin dispensers.
Yes, contrary to popular belief, we Orcs sometimes display some level of edict and use napkins. However, this is usually only at great feasts when a squad gets lucky, and brings back a few live prisoners. A few hours in the torture chambers, twenty minutes in the kitchen and voila! You now have roasted man flesh, that is ready to be served. Nothing beats a good, meaty, man leg with a side a mint jelly. I'm salivating even talking about it!
Anyways, back to the spikes: In one of the far off watch towers, the toilet seats have spikes protruding out from the sides. I can't remember which tower it was because, I was so traumatized by my experience. No seriously, I'm not lying! When you use them, you have to sit at a very awkward, titled angle. If not, things that are better not stabbed, get stabbed… I saw it happen more than once; it wasn't pretty.
When I was a young Orc, I had a very approachable squad leader, who also happened to be very wise. So, I asked him once why there are spikes on practically everything. His answer was quite interesting – it was the Master's personal décor preference.
I am not kidding.
Apparently the Master likes the way spikes make everything look so menacing. I guess it reminds him how evil he is, and boosts his ego? I don't know... What baffles me the most about this whole scenario is that, a giant flaming eyeball even cares about aesthetics. Like shouldn't he be more concerned about world domination? But I guess being a great evil lord and all, it is important to keep up appearances.
If you want my opinion on the matter, the Master's logic is a bit off. Firstly, there is the abundance of good quality iron that is wasted on producing these stupid spikes. Think about all the extra swords, axes, and pikes that could be made if we cut back on the aesthetics around here! Hasn't the Master ever heard of wartime rationing?
Secondly, it's so time consuming. Production would be far more efficient, if we didn't spend so much time adding spikes and points onto fricking table legs! Furthermore, everyday life in Mordor, would probably run a lot smoother if we didn't have to be so cautious about trying to not get impaled twenty-four seven.
Lastly, and most of all, making everything pointy is just bloody dangerous! You have no idea how many guys I have seen randomly die because of these unnecessary abominations. For example, about five years ago, one of my good friends Steve, went out that way. (Exotic name for an Orc, I know)
One day, Steve and I were walking down a busy set of spiral stairs in Barad-dûr, when some big lummox who was in a hurry, pushed through us. Poor Steve got pushed off the side of the staircase, and ended up getting skewered right through the belly. He fell down only a foot and a half, but, because of the useless, upward, curled spikes that lined the staircase, Steve died. How embarrassing is that? He didn't even go out with glory, in the heat of battle. People laughed about Steve's death for months afterwards. To this very day when I am in Barad-dûr, I still hear the odd guy say, "Careful, don't pull a Steve!"
A visitor to Mordor, would be surprised by how often accidents like Steve's occur! I heard a statistic keeper once say, that on average, one hundred Orcs a day, die due to accidental impalement. And yes, we do have statistic keepers here. The Master is far more organized than one might think.
The Master's questionable taste in décor also webs out into the fashion world. You are not a styling in battle unless you are wearing spiked armor. Of course, I follow this trend just like everybody else does, but some guys really take it to the extreme! This one hard core Captain named Gurtiz, comes to mind.
He is kind of a scrawny Orc, and has this really shrill, grating voice when yells out orders. The worst is when he orders catapults; it's like nails on a chalkboard... Gurtiz is obviously not my favorite Captains, but don't get me wrong; he is a very fierce fighter. He is practically a legend around here with all he action he has seen.
Being devoted to all things involving the Master, Gurtiz obviously follows the style wearing of spiked armor. His most prominent piece of armor was his helmet, which has a single spike protruding upwards from it. After a fierce battle one day, Gurtiz took the decapitated head of a man, and pierced it through the spike on his helmet. Over time the flesh decayed, and now this guy just walks around with a skull on his head. Like talk about intense! Gurtiz really raises the standard of high fashion around here.
Oh! I need to stop rambling; we are now being herded towards the Black Gate. It seems that there is some kind of ruckus out there. It's probably something to do with those foolish men who think they can actually beat the Master! But, with the luck he has been having lately, with the heir of Isildur coming forth, and getting our butts whooped at Minas Tirith, this is probably the end for us as we know it…
Anyways, the bottom line is that all the spiked stuff you see around here is highly over dramatic, and is just plain dangerous. I am probably to be hacked to bits shortly, so I hope this little spiel with live on as my legacy. After all, education is the key to a progressive, (hopefully spike free), future.