Disclaimer: I Don't own TVD.
A/N: I know that I labeled this one shot as done but I was writing my other fics and I got to a part about duty and sacrifice and Bonnie's motivation. So I thought about how Bonnie's choices would be viewed through Damon's lens of selfishness. So read review and let me know if you agree with Damon on his observation about Bonnie and her creed.
"Why," he said out loud after gazing at her intently.
"Why what Damon," she said sounding confused but she was relieved he had said something after staring at her so hard that she felt like a goldfish in a bowl.
"Why did you save all of us?"
"Which time," she said with a smirk; her green eyes dancing with amusement. Last week or yesterday, time was distorted here she had finally smiled at one of his jokes.
"Hmmm….that's a good question maybe we should go down the line and exam your reasoning for saving our hides," he said seriously tapping his finger on his chin.
"Damon, you're fucking crazier than I am so you can't be my therapist," she laughed.
"I know why I'm crazy so naturally I should be the one to show you why you're crazy rationally speaking," he explained coolie.
"I don't know why you're crazy."
"True but this isn't about me."
"But if you're going to help me on my self-discovery than you should start with your own journey into the ninth circle of insanity, Dr. Lector."
"If only we had some Chianti, Clarisse." They laughed.
"But seriously, I really really disliked knowing about your existence so I would tune out anything I got told by Elena."
"Only disliked, Judgy?"
"Hated really because she would try to humanize you and well I wasn't in the mood for that. Stefan I only slightly disliked knowing about," she finished while smirking again.
"Ouch, low blow, Judgy."
"Well you know about my couple of years as a lab rat with the Augustine Society. How I left Enzo my only friend to die in the fire?"
"Which I don't understand."
"I turned off my switch so I couldn't feel the pain that crossed his face when I betrayed him. But mostly it had to do with my selfishness. I wanted to survive to get Katherine out of that tomb; that had been my one goal my entire immortal life."
"Hey here's a question did it ever occur to you that you may have been sired to Katherine?"
"Actually it never did but now that you mention it that could've been why I wasted so much damn time on that bitch."
"It crossed my mind when I found out about sire bonds but like I said I didn't have warm and fuzzy feelings for you so I wasn't going to dig further into my observation."
"Now who's the therapist," he smirked.
"Not really I make observations about everyone around me. Take Caroline for example, she always felt inferior to Elena; so she organizes everything, borderline OCD, so that she can feel she accomplished something with her own hands and get praised for it since she earned it and wasn't automatically given it like how she feels Elena does."
"Vampire Barbie is wound too tightly and inferiority complexes are for the weak minded."
"Please like your relationship with Stefan is not a classic case of inferiority complex."
"No I had a valid reason to hate Stefan thank you and it wasn't because he was the golden boy when we were alive."
"Calling him the golden boy kinda proves my theory," she said smirking at him again.
"Well Stefan did force me to become a vampire if you must know albeit I don't really regret becoming a vampire because it was an awesome trip. I hated that he took my choice away from me. Guiseppe used to take my choices away from me and so in that moment he reminded me so much of our father that I wanted to rip his heart out."
"I can understand that. Choices are what make us who we are and the life we lead. And that is kinda ironic for someone that forces people to their will with a simple suggestion to hate getting their choices taken away."
"No when I compel someone especially women it's usually because they want to make that choice already. I just pushed them in the right direction."
"Okay what about forcing me to do your bidding," she said without anger.
"Come on Judgy that's easy. I always gave you a choice. I told you I was trying to protect you from Emily when you wouldn't give me the necklace; you refused and I let you go and we all know how that story ended. Let's see the times I asked for your help it was to save Elena's life and I still gave you a choice, Judgy. I asked if you wanted to come back to life and you accepted. When I needed help finding Westfield, I still gave you the choice of watching Little Gilbert die again."
"You're right except for the last two. Jeremy lied to you about me wanting to come back to life. So he took my choice away and you see how that turned out. I'm only came back to suffer intense pain. Let's say that was my Whitmore House. The second one you still forced me to choose to watch the boy I loved to die."
"You still had a choice."
"Tomato, tomato. Judgy, you could've let Jeremy die but you didn't because you chose to save his life. You could have chosen to be a cold heartless bitch and let him die to tell me to fuck off and save yourself all the pain but you didn't because you're not. So you chose. And I didn't know about that little shit lying to me."
"God I know I am in hell when I am agreeing with you."
"Rationale makes everything better."
"So since we are on the subject of choices, why did you break up with Elena after fighting to win her over?"
"The thing about choices Judgy is that when you make them you have to be responsible for them."
"Bullshit you never felt an ounce of responsibility for any of the choices that you made."
"I felt responsible for my choices I just didn't give a shit about how they affected other people."
"Therefore the responsibility was only to you."
"See Judgy, there is a method to my madness."
"Still doesn't tell me why you broke up with Elena."
"Well if you would let me finish before inserting you judgmental two cents in I can tell you."
"Fuck you, Damon."
"Oh sweetie, what a good suggestion to pass the time when we're bored," he smirked at her and leered.
"Damon I will find something and castrate you."
"Promises, promises. Anyway, I broke up with Elena because she wouldn't let me be responsible for my choices to myself. She wanted to blame everything else except for me and one thing Judgy I hate is when I am told that I had no choice. That is a fucking cop out and Elena wanted to coddle me and fix me. The one thing I liked about her when she was human was that she would challenge me about the choices to myself. And one thing I'm not Judgy is a sell out over where my choices come from."
"So you broke up with her because she wanted to help you see that some of the choices you made were coming from a bad place."
"No because she was making excuses. Like I said earlier, Judgy, I know I'm crazy and I know what motivates me and I still make the choices I make."
"You're crazier than I thought, Damon."
"Yeah but so is everyone else in the world. I just have the guts to show it. If it's any consolation, I think it's crazy to sacrifice everything for duty. Love is one thing but duty…"
"Is a coldhearted bitch," she said finished for him.
"Well, I have reflected on it and the only thing I had was duty. I considered Elena, Carolina and Matt my family since the examples I had at home were not the best, I didn't want them to leave me so I made it my duty to save them. Now that I think about it, love really didn't factor in."
"So in a sense you never loved any of them now that is even crazier than I thought."
"Love in the way you use it wasn't what I defined as love. Duty for me was love, Damon."
"But didn't you love Baby Gilbert when he died the first time and you brought him back?"
"Well that was more like I had a sense of duty to bring him back because he loved me at least I thought he did and like I said duty is love for me."
"So you sacrificed yourself because duty is love and if you showed people how much you loved them through doing your duty towards them they wouldn't leave you."
"I amend my statement you're not crazy. You're fucking Looney Toons bat shit insane" he blurted out while his eyes widened in amazement.
"Thanks," she said letting the s last longer than the word and letting a bit of anger into it.
"Jesus Judgy at least I'm motivated by selfishness. You…You…"
"I'm motivated by the lack of love I received as a child from my parents."
"Recipe for a homicidal sociopath, if Stefan had turned you into a vampire that night you probably would have been worse than him when he is the ripper."
"It's true. Your psyche is a bag full of cats my dear."
"No, the thing about turning me into a vampire."
"Oh that, Stefan and I were given a choice by Elijah about how to stop Esther's ritual; it was either your mother or you against Elena's life. We tossed a coin to see which one we would have turned and it turned out to be you and Stefan was supposed to be the one to turn you. I turned your mother instead."
"Wait what? You tossed a coin and Stefan was supposed to turn me. Who the fuck tosses a fucking a coin for someone's life, Damon," she screamed.
"It was a choice Judgy. Stefan didn't want to turn you. I explained that it would prevent the witches from trying to use you again in killing us. Like when the witches manipulated you to release Esther in the first place and Esther using your entire bloodline to keep herself alive. Then when they possessed you to give Alaric your blood or Silas using you to lower the veil. But I didn't want Stefan to have your death on his conscience so I chose to turn Abby," he said yelling at her. She screamed her rage and then started to cry. It was hours before she stopped. Then she walked up and stopped in front of him.
"Look at me," she said low and gravel when he refused to meet her eyes.
"Look at me," she said again. He raised his head and for the first time he felt shame for his actions when he saw her face. For the first time he truly saw what his actions did to another person. He saw her tear streaked face, her hair in disarray and the claw marks on her cheeks that didn't bleed.
"I fucking hate you and I wish I never took your hand or helped save your brother. Leaving my life up to a coin toss was beyond disgusting. I wish we could go back so I could do a coin toss to see which brother I should kill," she hissed.
"It was a choice to save Elena, Judgy and I will always choose Elena first," he said eyeing her. She stood still for a few seconds. Then she sprang and screamed and slapped him as hard as she could. She went to attack him again and this time he grabbed her by the biceps and she began to beat on his chest; all the while screaming 'I hate you' over and over again. Finally, her rage broke and she cried into his chest.
"Do see what a life of duty and selflessness has gotten you; an eternity with someone you hate. Someone who would choose the life of another over yours and the consequences be damned. Do you see what being a servant to some long dead bitches got you? Nothing because while you were being selfless everyone around you was selfish."
"Stop," she whispered into his chest.
"Elena was selfish because she couldn't choose between Stefan or me."
"Vampire Barbie was so far stuck between Klaus and Tyler that she barely had time to think."
"No I am not going to stop you need to hear this. Look at Baby Gilbert, even after you brought him back from the dead still cheated on you with a ghost and then lied to bring you back to life and took your choice away. Mutt is lost to Rebekah. Stefan like me was stuck so far up Elena's ass that we had no idea anyone else existed. Your mother left because she wanted her freedom. Your dad left because he didn't know how to handle your mother leaving. Those dead witch bitches just wanted to use you for the sake of their philosophy. They used you for their own means while we all used you for your loyalty and what was your payment for your services; pain and death."
"Do you want me to hate you more? Usually when people ask for forgiveness they admit guilt," she whispered after a while of silence.
"Bonnie I am not looking for forgiveness. I am selfish and therefore I would never apologize for myself. Another thing, you should never forgive anyone for selfishness."
"Then what should I do?"
"First get mad, which you did. Then be selfish; want everything denied to you and apologize to no one."
"It's too late for that, Damon we're stuck here."
"Not if you help me get out then you can do whatever you want." She looked up at them then and gazed at him in the eye and narrowed her eyes.
"Was this your way of getting me to help break out of here," she growled and stepped out of his hands.
"No not in the beginning. At first I just wanted to know your motivations for saving us, now that isn't even my motivation. I wanted you to see that life wasn't about duty and sacrifice. Life is about enjoying living it and you didn't get to enjoy life so what better way than to enjoy life than to break out of here."
"I still hate you," she said narrowing her eyes at him.
"I know but I would hope you hate your situation a bit more than to worry about little ole me." She tilted her head at him and examined him.
"If we get out of here, Damon I am going to set my life straight; maybe find a way around vampire's not being able to use magic, I kind of like the idea of living forever; maybe find superb dick; maybe level Mystic Falls and then maybe I will forget about you and Stefan enough to not waste my time in killing you," she said turning away from him.
"Well Bonnie I will be waiting if you ever come to reap whatever little of my soul is left," he said smirking. He just heard her snort and watched as she walked away from him. He had gotten her to agree to help him find a way out of here but somewhere deep something ached that told him that if Bonnie left now the world would burn. He squashed that thought because for however angry Bonnie was she would never do that. No she would never because Bonnie was the good witch and the good witch always does good. Right?