Title; I am Weak and Twisted

Author; Magrat 70

Spoilers for Lauren set during Emily's enforced time in Europe. Femslash Jemily

Disclaimer; They don't belong to me or Emily and JJ would be shacked up with Henry probably with a little Jemily on the way

Author's note; I was listening to K's Choice's version of Weak and I couldn't get the song out of my head. I was listening to some more Skunk Anansie and the idea came for this. Both songs are Skunk Anansie, the first is Twisted (Everyday Hurts) the second is Weak.

Author's Note; I have stayed in this hotel as described in Bonn. I know Cologne and Bonn very well and have a close friend who lives in Bonn. Anyway on with the story.

She wasn't sure why she picked Bonn in her wondering through Europe, she had been there as a child when Berlin was still a divided city. Bonn for a small city was the de facto capital of old West Germany, being in familiar places calmed her.

She was getting stronger everyday, maybe even fitter than she was before Doyle. It was because of him she was staying in a strange hotel on the outskirts of Bonn. The hotel looked like a miniature Gothic castle. To gain entry first of all there was a phone booth you spoke German into and your key card was delivered automatically through a slot, no human to interact with. The hotel was by a hospital that specialised in Oncology, most of the people staying there were doctors or worried relatives. Like her the were gone in the day and most of the night. She had yet to see a single soul in her short stay there and for her own safety it was perfect. She had a pistol strapped to her ankle all the time apart from in the shower or in bed, where it sat on her night stand. She went out, came back, her room was clean and a bottle of mineral water on the side. She had never seen a member of staff and mused that little robots came out of the skirting boards then disappeared; man she was spending to much time alone.

Emily had explored most of the museums and art galleries in Bonn. She had spent time in Cologne, taking trips down the Rhine and climbing the steps of the Cathedral to see the spectacular sight of the city. She had walked most of the peaks around the Rhine land valley, glorying in her body's returning strength, but she was so alone. If it wasn't for her scrabble games with 'Cheeto breath' she knew she would be in the depth of madness; with the potential to be as bad as any unsub that she had captured.

Tonight was different she wouldn't be alone. She dressed carefully as SHE liked her; black leather trousers, a tight red tank top and collarless leather jacket and her army boots polished to shine that would make the strictest Marine sergeant cry with pride,.

She took the light rail to the centre of Cologne feeling the eyes of men and women openly admiring her body. It was easy to be gay in Cologne's relaxed atmosphere, male and female couples walked hand and hand. The leather scene was pretty open too and Emily had broached a couple of clubs wanting to get out of her head on pure hedonism, but never quite able to do it. Trust at the end of the day was an issue and it wasn't something she could give or take.

Tonight she was headed to one of Cologne's big gay clubs, to meet HER, she wasn't supposed to meet anyone but they could never stay away when she was at home. The fact that SHE was her handler made the situation even more impossible. She tried to spot her through the sea of heaving bodies, but hell spotting a blonde in Germany not the easiest of tasks. She gave up and went to the bar and ordered a Kolsch; to order any other beer in Cologne was probably illegal.

She settled down at a stool at the bar, she rebuffed a couple advances. Emily was starting to worry that SHE hadn't got away, that she was about to spend another night alone. Almost as she felt hope leaving, she felt familiar lips on the back of her neck. She was finding it weird to get used to the short bob but the feel of lips against the naked part of her neck was something she could get used too.

"My flight was delayed," whispered the voice in her ear. "God you look hot, I'm surprised you're still on your own."

"Well I had offers," Emily delighted in the flash of jealousy in big blue eyes. "They just weren't you."

The blonde was appeased by her answer. A thumping beat filled the room. "Dance with me?"

They joined the swirling masses jumping to the heavy beat, their bodies pushed together.

I cried on my blood day

There was nothing that I could hold on to

Just a line could've helped

Remind me of you, of you

I screamed till the blood came

I was living in a cloud of hope

Lover's kiss then they make a wish

To the end they pretend

Oh god thought Emily this is the wrong song the words taking her back to that day when the wood pierced her body. The want to just die, the blood from her wound oozing around the wood, the pain crushing and burning. Then the pretence of death with the only thing she had left was her lover's lips.

'Cause everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And I'll do anything

Yes, I'll do anything

To belong, to be strong

To say, there's nothin' wrong

And it hurt so damn much, what she wouldn't give to have her 'pretend' family back again. To be messing with Morgan while they gently teased Reid, having Hotch sigh and pretend he didn't find the antics of his 'kids' funny. Learning all she could from Rossi, the man who she looked up to and became the father she never had. The sunshine that was Garcia, she still had her phone with the message she left; she knew she shouldn't, every now and then she would put the battery in and listen. She told her handler she was fine trying to keep the burn of loneliness inside.

Everyday

(Hurts a little more)

'Cause everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And I'll do anything

Yes I'll do anything

To belong, to be strong

To say there's nothing wrong

Everyday hurts everyday hurts

Everyday hurts, oh

Then there was JJ, fuck it hurt when she with her and it hurt when they were apart, to think of her with him, but nothing much changed in that matter.

I cried in the sunlight

Would I fake all the times I loved you

Just a play in a game I twisted with you

With you, ooh

The blonde must have felt the melancholy mood she was disappearing into, she pulled her close, her thigh slipping between the blonde's strong legs. They moved together in perfect synchronisation, their lips met in a fiery passion and it was just them and the music.

I need to believe you

Sacrificed all the lies we were made up

How we kissed then we made our wish

To the end, to the end

Please one day she prayed make this purgatory end; both in this nomadic life and her lover making the decision who she was going to be with. Emily was under no illusion she would keep going back to those baby blues. Mouths moved onto pulse points, teeth marking virgin skin.

'Cause everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And I'll do anything

Yes, I'll do anything

To belong, to be strong

To say, there's nothin' wrong

Everyday

(Hurts a little more)

'Cause everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And I'll do anything

Yes I'll do anything

To belong, to be strong

To say, there's nothin' wrong

Everyday hurts, everyday hurts

Everyday hurts yea, yea, yaa

Hey, yea, yaa

Time made me confide in you

So contrived were the words you sold me

Now nothin' can swallow the feeling so shallow inside

It was how her lover lived her life, her quick mind painting pictures for the mass media that she dealt with day in day out. That clever mouth that could bring her crawling back with words and actions.

'Cause everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And I'll do anything

Yes I`ll do anything

To belong, to be strong

To say, there's nothin' wrong

Everyday

(Hurts a little more)

'Cause everyday

(Hurts a little more)

And I'll do anything

Yes I'll do anything

To belong, to be strong

To say, there's nothin' wrong

She couldn't pretend she wasn't the only one that was hurt. The desperate way the blonde was clinging onto her, as if HER life depended on it. Grinding against her with a need that was always there. Their lips moved back together, nothing gentle in their joint pain.

Everyday hurts

(Hurts a little more, hurts a little more)

Everyday hurts, everyday hurts

(Hurts a little more, hurts a little more)

Everyday hurts a little more, hurts a little more

Oh yea yea

(Hurts a little more, hurts a little more)

Everyday hurts oh ho

Everyday hurts oh ho

(Hurts a little more, hurts a little more)

Aaa aaa oh no

The music changed to a slower beat by the same passionate artist, her harsh pain riddled vocals suiting both of them. Emily turned the blonde around so she could hold her firmly against her body, but not see into her eyes. SHE made her weak.

Lost in time I can`t count the words

(I) said when I thought they went unheard

All of those harsh thoughts so unkind

`Cause I wanted you

And she wanted HER like nothing on this planet, she pulled the mane of blonde hair to one side, leaving soft kisses down her neck, knowing exactly what this did to her lover's body. The way she could feel Emily's breasts' pushed against her back and the thrust of her crotch against her sensitive ass. Added to how much SHE loved her neck being kissed and licked, they'd probably be lucky not to make back to the blonde's hotel room.

(And) now I sit here I`m all alone

So here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home

A circle of angels, deep in war

`Cause I wanted you

There lay the problem a couple of days of bliss, then back to the crushing, overwhelming loneliness. She had almost stopped these visits, she was never sure if it made things better or worse. She remembered the words she said years ago to a damaged victim that saw a vicious psychopath as her saviour; you couldn't choose who you fall in love with,

Weak as I am, no tears for you

Weak as I am, no tears for you

Deep as I am, I`m no ones fool

Weak as I am

Emily wouldn't give HER, her tears not now, the blonde could have her body and soul, but never her tears, she couldn't use them to influence HER decisions.

So what am I now I'm loves last home

I`m all of the soft words I once owned

If I opened my heart, there`d be no space for air

`Cause I wanted you

She let her teeth graze the her lover's pulse point, her hands roamed up and down the blonde's body, not caring who saw, on the brink of losing all control and giving into her love and passion.

In this tainted soul

In this weak young heart

Am I too much for you

The blonde turned in her arms, before she found herself fucked in the middle of a German nightclub. "I've left him. Me, Henry and Sergio have moved into one of Morgan's fixer uppers. We'll be waiting for you when you come home."

And just like that in a second Emily no longer felt weak and twisted. Her life was going to be given back to her, hope and love flooded through her and only SHE could do that for SHE was Jennifer, JJ, Agent Jareau, the love of her life.

Finis