A/N- Hi everyone! Summer holidays mean free time, and free time means new FanFiction ideas, hence why this little fic has popped out of my somewhat disturbed brain. Ask me my favourite movie, and I will nearly always say This Is The End. It brings together nearly all my favourite actors, and I'm automatically drawn to anything created by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. But what would happen if a girl was part of the group? That's the thought I've been having anyway, so I decided to do a canon fic feature a female OC. Now, pre-warning you, I am English, not American. So, if I use phrases that are English, or mess up an American phrase, please don't hesitate to correct me!
Chapter One- Hollywood Whore
God, I wished I was home right now. I hated thinking of my poor old house sitting up in the Hollywood Hills, alone, empty, sad. It wasn't even like I had an excuse to be away; I wasn't the one who was filming on location, unlike my boyfriend, Dave Franco, who had pissed off to film yet another disturbing solo episode for Funny Or Die. I'd been in a few of his little videos and honestly, I always wanted to bleach my tongue afterwards.
I'm not some kind of fucking prude, though! Okay, when you've been in as many Seth Rogen/Judd Apatow/Evan Goldberg movies as I have, you really do have to keep an open mind about, well…everything. When you've had some of the lines I've been forced to say over the last seven or eight years, all forms of modesty go straight out the fucking window. Let me spin you a timeline of my acting career:
2005: I, Mackenzie Bolton, moved to Los Angeles, California as a fresh-faced, innocent twenty-year-old to pursue my very clichéd dream of becoming an actress. Not too long after arriving, I received a small, two-episode part in the first season of Supernatural as a demon who pretended to help the Winchester brothers and ended up getting stabbed in the throat for betraying them.
2006: After no roles, or even any call-backs, since Supernatural I was getting ready to give up hope and move back home to Amityville, New York when I finally won the role of Will Ferrell's teenage daughter Cosmopolitan in Talladega Nights.
2007: After the (somewhat surprising) success of Talladega, I was contacted by director/producer Judd Apatow who was interested in me auditioning for a movie he was directing, Knocked Up, where I would play Marnie, the live-in younger sister of Katherine Heigl's and Leslie Mann's characters Alison and Debbie. I accepted and got the part, quite flawlessly I might add. This is how I met my now very closest friend, Seth Rogen.
Not long after this, Judd called me again and asked if I would consider a main role in his and Seth's latest…masterpiece, shall we call it. This was the role of Clarissa; awkward, clumsy, anti-social geek and best friend of Jonah Hill, Michael Cera and Christopher Mintz-Plasse in a little-known project called Superbad. I now fondly look upon that movie as my big break in Hollywood, making me a household name in comedy. That was when I decided any serious projects I had planned to do could go and fuck themselves straight up the ass.
2008: I like to think this is where my movie career took off. Being good friends with Seth, he offered me a role in his weed-based, action comedy Pineapple Express as one of drug lord Ted's psycho henchpeople, Mandy, gun-toting assassin extraordinaire. This is how I met three of my other best friends, James Franco, whose character I shot in the leg, Danny McBride, whose character had a thing for my character, and Craig Robinson, who'd had to physically throw me at Seth's character like a human bowling ball.
At the after party for the movie, James introduced me to his brother Dave, who I knew from his thirty-second role in Superbad, when my character had told his character that he could take the two points his soccer team was losing by and deep-throat them. But apparently that hadn't put him off me in anyway, and five months later, Us Weekly got hold of a pap picture of the two of us kissing on Venice Beach and published it, revealing to the world that we were dating. We've been together ever since.
Then came the role of porn star Lolabelle in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. That is not a role I will ever, ever be proud of. Very few twenty-three-year-olds are willing to go full-frontal, butt-ass naked on camera…and I am one of them. Still, I had to show my ass, and my boobs were more than slightly visible; to this day I have never let my father anywhere near that movie, and my mother is probably turning in her grave whenever it's mentioned.
I also had relatively decent parts in non-Rogen-devised movies. I played self-conscious sorority girl Jayden in The House Bunny opposite my Superbad co-star Emma Stone, I did a voiceover as the talking butterfly Nimah in Kung Fu Panda (though Seth had also starred with me)and I was in Step Brothers as John C. Reilly's character's younger sister Callie. 2008 was a crazy year for me.
2009: A calmer year, thank fuck. Nothing really came up for me aside from a small part in Funny People as up-and-coming comedienne Isabella, and I was also in a seven episodes of How I Met Your Mother as Ted's girlfriend Tamara.
2010: Trying to find a new genre to break into in the movie industry is not very easy, so playing spring breaking college girl Josie in Piranha 3D as my attempt at horror was definitely not my best idea. The fake leg they gave me for when I was ripped apart by the piranhas made me look fat. So then, because I had loved the originals so much, I tried out the A Nightmare On Elm Street reboot, playing Harley, Nancy's best friend. I died in that too, FYI.
On the plus side, I also had a voiceover role in How To Train Your Dragon as dragon hunter Åshild , alongside my good friends Jonah Hill and Chris Mintz-Plasse, and it is also the movie in which I became very close friends with Jay Baruchel. Though I knew him from Knocked Up, it was HTTYD that sealed our friendship.
2011: This was a pretty fun year. James, Danny and I teamed up again in Your Highness, where I got to try out my skills with anEnglish accent as Princess Theodina, James and Danny's warrior sister. I was also in Bridesmaids as, well, bridesmaid Aimee.
2012: This was the first proper time Dave and I got to work together, as I had a role in 21 Jump Street as Jonah and Channing Tatum's Jump Street co-officer, Kira. This was also the first time in five years that I was turned down for a role.
James had put me forward to Harmony Korine to audition for Faith in Spring Breakers. I was called back for a screen test with James and everything. We enacted the scene where Alien attempts to comfort Faith in the pool room in full costume, so I nearly shit myself laughing, seeing him in that Hawaiian shirt and those cornrows. Though to be fair, the first thing he said when he first saw me in my orange-and-turquoise bikini was that I looked like a prostitute. Either way, I was too 'confident and assured' for Faith, apparently, so the role was given to Selena Gomez, of all people. I've never really gotten over the irritation of that.
2013: Well, that's where we are now. So far, there's not really been anything worth noting, aside from a stream of commercials for Victoria's Secret in which I look super hot, and I was in a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory as a potential girlfriend of Stuart the Comic Store Owner called Scarlett, but it transpired she was only with him so she could own the comic book store and intended to sell it. Heavy stuff for that show, actually.
I'll never regret being in so much comedy, because if I hadn't, I'd probably be stewing around back in Amityville on my sofa with a bottle of vodka in my hand, wondering what my life would be. Or I'd be a prostitute. One or the other. I just try to think positive.
And without those movies, I wouldn't have the close-knit gang of morons known as Seth Rogen, James Franco, Jay Baruchel, Craig Robinson and Danny McBride to call my best friends. And I wouldn't now be lying on my bed in Seth's guest room, orange iPhone 5C pressed to my ear, grumbling at Dave in total annoyance.
"What the fuck do you mean, filming's delayed for five more days?!" I said desperately.
"The camera guy broke his leg," Dave explained. "So we haven't shot anything for two days."
"You've been gone two weeks!" I practically exploded. "The video's ten minutes long! How does it take more than two weeks to film something ten minutes long?!"
"On second thoughts, I don't wanna know," I said with an unintentional laugh. "I just remembered why I refused to be in any more of those videos. But seriously, Dave. It's James' housewarming tonight! You were supposed to be back before we went!"
"I know, it's not like I haven't realised that. It's really shitty that I can't go."
"This is going to break the poor man's heart. You're aware of that, right?"
Now it was Dave's turn to laugh. "He's a big boy, he'll be fine."
"Okay, but when your brother starts crying on my shoulder because he misses you so much, I'm FaceTiming you and bombarding you with the guilt."
"That seems fair." I could practically feel Dave's grin through the phone. There was a sudden pounding on the bedroom door, like someone was trying to get in with a goddamn battering ram.
"Mack!" Seth's voice came through the door. "Get off the fucking phone!"
"Hold up, Rogen!" I shouted back. "We're having a crisis in here!"
The door opened, revealing Seth leaning on the doorframe. "Can't you guys have phone sex some other time? You'll see each other in like three hours!"
"Ha-di-fucking-ha," I said sourly. "You're hilarious, Seth. And no, we won't. Their cameraman had the fucking indecency to go and break his leg. The filming's been delayed."
"Wait, he's not coming?"
"Oh man. James is gonna be offended."
"Tell him to stop making me feel bad!" protested Dave. "I can't fucking help it!"
I laughed. "He said stop making him feel bad, because he can't fucking help it."
Seth also laughed, his trademark 'har-har-har' sound. "I'm just telling it like it is. Anyway, we have to go. Jay's flight lands in an hour, and we gotta get to LA International."
"Oh shit. I totally forgot about Jay!" I exclaimed, clapping my phone-free hand to my forehead.
"I'm sure he'll appreciate that," Seth said dryly.
I shot him the finger, then turned my attention back to my cell. "Sorry baby, but that's my cue to leave. I'll call you tomorrow, yeah? I doubt I'll be in a position to talk after your brother's infamous party."
"Just try not to end up like you were at the Jump Street wrap party."
"That was a year ago!" I whined. "Stop bringing it up! Why can't we just forget it?!"
"You turned your cop costume into a stripper outfit and started pole dancing in front of the entire party. I'm not gonna forget that for a long time. And then there was the situation at our housewarming."
"We are not supposed to talk about that! Ever!"
That was probably the worst experience of my life. Not only was I totally shitfaced that time, but I was high too, on a mixture of ecstasy, shrooms and weed. This led to me removing every last piece of my clothing, raiding our fridge and covering myself in Nutella and peanut butter and offered Dave a 'snack' by licking me clean, again in front of the entire party. This was the reason I now tried to avoid getting overly drunk, though I knew tonight would end up being a very large exception to this. Didn't nobody leave a James Franco party sober.
"And on that note," I said tightly. "I will talk to you tomorrow. Love you, babe."
"Love you too, Kenzie," he replied. "I'll be home soon."
"You'd better be," I retorted, but I made a 'mwah' noise down the phone and hung up. Seth, meanwhile, was bent double, pretending to vomit on the carpet.
"You guys are sickeningly in love," he informed me.
"You only have yourself to blame, since you and James are the only reason I got to know him," I shot back, sticking my tongue out at him.
"Like I knew you'd start sucking his dick after five minutes!"
"Why do you think I'm now borderline teetotal?"
"Dunno. You're getting more mature, more boring. Your old age," he mocked.
"I'm twenty-eight!" I shrieked, throwing a pillow at him. "I'm younger than everyone in our little group! Everyone!"
"Alright, chill out!" he ordered, holding up his hands in a surrendering gesture. "You'll give yourself a fucking aneurysm. And seriously, get dressed. We really need to go."
"Yeah, yeah," I replied, waving my hand dismissively. "Give me ten minutes. Go smoke a joint or get the house half-presentable or something."
"You're giving me permission to smoke? Seriously?"
"Not permission, as such. It's a mere suggestion. Now fuck off." I stood up and shut the bedroom door in his face, before turning and raiding the half-empty wardrobe for clothing to replace the old t-shirt of Dave's I was wearing. I ended up in white sweatpants, a black crop top (that showed off the bottom of the colourful flower-and-butterfly tattoo on my back) and white flip-flops, minimal make-up and had my long brown hair up in a messy ponytail. I really wasn't overly bothered about being photographed like this.
"'Kay, Rogen, I'm ready now!" I called, grabbing my orange satchel bag and shoving in my purse and cell phone.
He was waiting by the front door, a flat cap placed on his head. "Jesus Christ, I will never understand how long it takes women so fucking long to get ready."
"I was fifteen minutes!" I said irately, walking up to him and raising my eyebrows at his headgear. "Nice hat," I smirked, sauntering out the door and getting into his car.
"Can we go to Carl's Jr. when we've got Jay? I'm hungry as fuck."
Seth groaned, practically head-butting the steering wheel. "Come on, Mack, don't give me the option! You know I can't!"
I rolled my eyes heavily. "Please, spare me all this 'cleanse' bullshit again. You are not cleansing! I've been on God knows how many of the fucking things, so I think I know what I'm talking about! Stop trying to do them!"
"Yeah, well we can't all be size four Victoria's Secret models, can we?"
"Oh sweetie," I said comfortingly, patting his cap. "Your chub makes you adorable, and don't let any of those tabloids tell you otherwise."
"I know I'm adorable," he replied, flashing me the famous Rogen Lopsided Grin. "I'm fucking endearing. I'm like a teddy bear."
"A teddy bear that smokes a fuck-ton of weed." He didn't correct me, for obvious reasons.
The LA International parking lot was, no surprised, full to the brim. We were lucky enough to get a space pretty close to the airport entrance. Still, this was mainly because if I'd not spotted the space and starting screaming, "Park! Park! Park! Parkparkparkparkpark!" whilst flapping my arms in the direction of the gap, we'd still be aimlessly driving around.
As we made our way to Jay's terminal, pushing through the typical huge crowds, I couldn't help but wonder why nobody had invented teleporters yet. It would make everything so much easier. No more flying, no more cars or bikes or boats. Hell, no more walking. Less pollution too. Oh my God, if I put that forward to some Greenpeace shit I could totally become a philanthropist.
"We're kinda early," Seth muttered, looking at his watch.
"How early?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.
"Only ten minutes," he answered. "No need to shit yourself, this won't be eating into your pre-party beauty regime."
"I do not have a beauty regime!" I said hotly. "There is nothing wrong with weekly waxing and daily self-facials! Which, FYI, I've already done today!"
"How could you give yourself a facial? Dave's not here," he said suggestively, quirking his eyebrow at me, causing me to gasp and slap his arm.
"That's disgusting! God, and to think, I used to be so innocent before I met you."
"Yeah, Amityville's really Virtue City, y'know, with all those demon possessions."
"Those were never proved! Demon possessions aren't real things! Anyone with half a brain could tell you that!"
Silence followed that. We were too busy trying to look to see if Jay's flight had landed. However, the things that weren't silent, however, were the fans. Every so often we'd get someone yelling one or both of our names, to which we would awkwardly smile or raise a hand at.
"Mom! Mom, I think that's Seth Rogen and Mackenzie Bolton over there!"
"Hey, Seth Rogen! What up, man!"
"Oh my God, Mackenzie Bolton! Hi!"
"Holy shit, Jessica, it's Seth Rogen! And…no way, Mackenzie Bolton too! Quick, let's take a selfie with them in the background!"
"Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport," the Tannoy system suddenly announced. "Attention, all passengers. Do not leave your baggage unattended."
"That must mean a flight's landed," I said musingly, more to myself than as a conversation starter. Sure enough, people came flooding out of the doors at the end of the terminal and the crowd dispersed, but Jay wasn't one of them. For another few moments Seth and I looked around, when the doors opened again, and Jay emerged, holding his arms out.
Almost simultaneously, the three of us began laughing and jumping around, excitement hanging in the air.
"Yay!" I squeaked, clapping my hands.
"We're so happy!" Jay pretty much squealed. "Look at this!"
"What's happening, man?" Seth asked him as they enveloped each other in a huge man-hug.
"Good to see you, buddy!" Jay returned as Seth literally lifted him off his feet.
"Where's mine?" I demanded, and Seth released Jay so he and I could embrace.
"Hey Mackenzie, it's been a while."
"Yeah, only a bit!" We let go of each other and Jay took a step back so he could see both me and Seth.
"How you doing?" he asked us.
"I'm good, man," Seth replied.
I shrugged. "Same old, same old. I've been living with this douchebag for the last two weeks, so I can't complain." I gently elbowed Seth in the ribs.
"I thought you were living with your boyfriend now?"
"Oh yeah, I am. But, he's away filming, so what can ya do."
"So how long has it been, man?" Seth asked him.
"Sometime in the last…" Jay thought for a moment. "Inside of a year or something."
"Oh my God, I can't believe it's been that long!" I remarked.
"Well, I have the best weekend ever planned, man," Seth announced. I cleared my throat significantly. "Fine. We have the best weekend ever planned."
"Just wait till you see what we've done," I added. "You are gonna love it!"
"Lay it on me!" Jay exclaimed with another throwing-arms-out gesture as we turned and headed in the direction of the exit.
"We don't wanna ruin it," said Seth.
Suddenly, a reporter with a cameraman behind him popped up out of literally nowhere. "Seth Rogen!"
"Oh shit, here we go," Seth muttered. "Hey," he said to the reporter.
"How's it going, man?" There was the buttering up…
"So, you like, always play, like, the same guy in every movie." And there was the signature paparazzi sting. "When are you gonna do, like, some real acting, man?"
"Okay, thank you." Seth's tone was abrupt and vaguely offended. Jay and I, meanwhile, were attempting to keep out of the camera's range.
"Give me something!" the pap implored. "Give me, like, the laugh, man! Give me the Seth Rogen laugh." I was surprised that Seth actually did what they asked; I sure as hell wouldn't have. "Seth Rogen, everybody!"
"Always nice to be treated like the wall," I mumbled to Jay, who nodded grimly.
"Alright," Jay said once we were back in the car and on our way back to Seth's. I'd let him call shotgun. "I've landed, I'm here, we've said our hellos; can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?!"
"Ha!" I shouted gleefully from the backseat. "Thank you, Jay! See, I told you, I told you-" I jabbed Seth on the shoulder. "We should go to Carl's Jr.!"
Seth turned to raise an eyebrow at me, then turned his eyes back on the road. "Er…" he began apologetically. "I would love to. I'm on a…"
"If you say 'cleanse' one more time, I'm gonna junk-punch you," I warned him.
"I can't really eat that stuff right now," he back-pedalled.
"What." Jay sounded scandalized.
"I'm on this cleanse," Seth said quickly, and I kicked the back of his chair.
"You're on a what?" Now Jay just sounded confused, like the word 'cleanse' was Pig Latin or something.
"I'm on a cleanse," Seth repeated.
"You just sealed your junk-punch fate, my friend," I told him. Meanwhile, Jay was trying and failing to contain his disbelieving laughter.
"What?" he said again.
"It's good for you!" Seth insisted. "I didn't know- you're supposed to take six shits a day!"
"Well that's total bullshit," I said.
"You're supposed to shit twice a day!" said Jay.
"And even that's pushing it," I tacked on.
"No, that's not true," Seth attempted to explain. "That's what they used to think. Now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day."
"Who is this 'they'?" I asked. "And how exactly are they testing how many times a day it's healthy to shit?"
"So you're not drinking." Jay was trying to understand what Seth's 'cleanse' entailed, apparently. "You're not smoking weed. You're not-"
"No, no, I'm drinking and smoking weed," Seth corrected him.
"But-" Jay frowned.
"You see why I said he's not cleansing?" I said to him.
"What? I'm on a cleanse, I'm not psychotic," Seth joked. "Look guys, if you stopped eating gluten, you'd feel way fucking better all day! Whenever you feel shitty, that's 'cause of gluten."
"That's not true!" said Jay.
"It is true!"
"Where the fuck does gluten even come into this?!" I demanded.
"Who the fuck told you not to eat gluten?!" asked Jay.
"It's just true!" Seth persevered.
"You don't even know what gluten is!" shouted Jay.
"I know what fucking gluten is!" Seth argued.
"You have no idea what gluten is!"
"I do know what gluten is!"
"Do tell us, then," I challenged, folding my arms.
"Gluten's a vague term!" he defended himself, already totally wrong. "It's something that's used to categorise things that are bad, you know? Calories, that's a gluten. Fat, that's a gluten."
I actually could not believe my ears. "Are you being fucking serious?!"
"Somebody just told you that you probably shouldn't eat gluten, and you're like," Jay arranged his facial features into a dumb expression and made his voice deeper. "'Oh, I guess I shouldn't eat gluten'."
"Gluten means bad shit, man, and I'm not eating it," Seth said with an air of finality.
And yet, it was fifteen minutes later that we found ourselves parked outside the nearest Carl's Jr., stuffing our faces with the various fried goods on the menu. The boys would not shut up making appreciative 'mmm' noises, something I was able to control myself.
"God!" Seth basically moaned in delight. "Each bite is better than the previous bite!"
"It is," agreed Jay.
"Amen to that," I said, swallowing my mouthful of Sante Fe Chicken.
"Gluten!" Seth cheered, and Jay and I raised our burgers up and cheered too. This really was what life was all about; good friends, good food and good times. I wouldn't want to change my life right now for absolutely anything.
A/N- Well, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I'm not exactly expecting a ton of feedback for this, as the This Is The End category is so small, so if you are reading, words can't describe how happy I would be if you'd review! They mean so much, and I always take advice/ideas to heart! So please review! Xx Gee xX
PS- If you go to my profile, there is a link to the model I have chosen to portray Mackenzie. Usually I use actors, but since this purpose of this movie was actors playing themselves, that wouldn't really work. I'm also creating a Polyvore collection too, so have a look at that too! It's linked as 'Mackenzie's Style.'