A/N (EDIT): LordTicky has a point. Off-limits characters. Adding that to the notice. Thank you muchly, LordTicky!
A/N: I do apologize for such a delayed update, ladies, gents, gits and others. I had the basic idea for the chapter in my head, I just kept forgetting to put things in... and it irritated me. A lot.
I've neglected my 'duty' to answer queries, so I'll respond to any reviews I feel the need to at the end.
Are you, fair reader, a fan of You Killed My Family: Prepare For Hell?
If so, do us all a favour; help the poor author out!
Our dear author is stuck a little. The poor female can't think up of many prank ideas.
Are you, fair reader, a possessor of even one small, inky-dinky prank idea?
If so, feel free to donate it to The Greater Good! Let Return Of The Nightmare in on your invaluable genius!
Your prank ideas may turn up in the story unedited, mixed together with other fabulous ideas, edited for max hilarity, or not used at all.
Should your devastating prank idea be used in the story, be reassured that your name will be mentioned at the beginning of the chapter. Even if you donate as a guest, your name shall be placed there (guest).
Prank ideas for You Killed My Family: Prepare For Hell can be donated via PM or review. Don't even try to email me. I have over 540 unread emails from Twitter and Facebook, I don't need any more.
Thank you, fair reader, for your time and ideas! Thanks to your help, You Killed My Family: Prepare For Hell may be updated sooner than was previously estimated (no time soon)!
Return Of The Nightmare
PS (thanks again, LordTicky): In this story, Snape is specifically the main target. All or most pranks will be played with him as a victim. However, Harry will target anyone he pleases. I will, however, mention that those Harry likes (such as Hermione and Neville) will be the victims of the lesser pranks, while people he doesn't like will fall victim to the worse ones. Thus, it is probably important for me to mention who is on which side of the spectrum.
Nastier pranks: Snape, Malfoy, Wormtail, Voldeshorts (yes, he may mail pranks to him), Trelawny, Ginny, maybe Colin and Dennis, Crabbe and Goyle, Pansy Parkinson, Nott (basically any Death Eater kids), Cormac McLaggen (you'll know why later), and anyone else I can think of in the meantime.
Lesser-slightly nasty pranks: Luna, Hermione, Neville, Dumbles- okay, anyone he's friendly with.
Anyone else - such as Daphne Greengrass, random first years, and Professor McGonagall - is free game for anything, since Harry doesn't really know them that well. I may bring in guest characters every now and then, such as Remus, Fudge, Umbitch, a random drunk dementor, or Aberforth. If you mention them in the prank ideas, the chances of them appearing rises.
I do have a basic plot-line to follow here, so don't worry about the story not going anywhere! Voldieshorts will be defeated by the end of sixth year, mark my words. There are also a couple of other... set events. But anyway, enough of this!
As Harry and co walked up to the castle from the Thestral carriages, Luna suddenly 'ooh'ed and pointed towards the doorway. "Harry look; it's whiskers!"
Harry blinked and turned his head away from the rather plain quill he had been studying. At the doors, he spotted none other than Professor Dumbledore, Supreme Mugwump and Chief Warlock, lemon drop enthusiast. He made an acknowledging grunt, allowing the ever-nosy Hermione to voice his question.
"What is Professor Dumbledore doing at the doorway?"
As though he'd heard Hermione, the silver-haired wizard suddenly looked at them, smiled, and began to make his way towards them. "Hello there. Might I borrow Harry for a moment?"
Luna smiled sweetly and smacked Harry on the arse, causing him to stumble towards Dumbles. "Go along, Harry. I'll make sure Ronald leaves you some pudding."
"Hey!" exclaimed Ronald indignantly.
"Ronald, it's well-known that you eat everything within your eyesight," Hermione snapped with a glare that left the redhead trembling… and with a damp and smelly groin. Too bad he'd have to go through the whole feast like that because no one who knows the right charms would feel like helping him…
"Seeya, cupcakes!" Harry waved his hand as he walked off to the side of the castle with his headmaster.
Out of sight, Dumbledore turned to him. "Harry, I just wanted to let you know that I will be hunting for the horcruxes this year. I may call upon you for help-"
"Hufflepuff's cup is in the Lestrange vault at Gringotts," said Harry calmly.
Dumbledore blinked at him in shock. "Are you certain, Harry?"
"Ah," Dumbledore said blankly, trying to get over his shock, "well, I suppose you know that you are the only one who can-"
"Rowena's diadem is in the Room of Requirement."
"Slytherin's locket is in Grimmauld Place. Ask Kreacher about Regulus."
"The Gaunt Ring is in the Gaunt Shack in Little Hangleton. Don't put it on, it'll kill you."
"Where did you learn-"
"The final horcrux can be found in the snake known as Nagini, but her location is unknown."
"HARRY!" Dumbledore yelled in frustration.
"ALBUS!" Harry screamed in response.
"HARRY!" Dumbledore yelled.
"ALBUS!" Harry screamed.
"HARRY!" Dumbledore yelled.
"ALBUS!" Harry screamed.
"GET A ROOM!" screeched Malfoy from the Great Hall. God knows how they heard the each other.
Turning green at the comment, Harry turned to the headmaster. "Er, I got the knowledge from the horcrux. And the snake thing is just what Voldie had planned at the time, it's nothing definite."
Dumbledore smiled wryly and patted Harry on the shoulder. "I dare say Nagini is one, Harry. I suspected her already." He cleared his throat. "Now, as I was saying, you are the only one who can access Hufflepuff's Cup legally. As the new Head of the Black family, you can arrange for any dark artefacts in the Lestrange vault to be examined by the goblins, since the actual Lestranges are on the run and have offended the goblins... rather a lot."
Harry nodded in understanding. "And when they find the horcrux…"
"We can ask them to destroy it themselves, or request it brought to us so we can use Gryffindor's Sword on it," continued Dumbledore with eyes gleaming with mischief.
The black haired teen squinted his eyes in confusion. "Why Gryffindor's Sword?"
"It is goblin-made, Harry," explained Dumbledore, "it absorbs only that will make it stronger… meaning it is infused with basilisk venom, one of the few known substances that can kill a horcrux."
"Ah," Harry replied. "Well, I better get going, then."
"Indeed. Have a nice feast, Harry. Oh, and… Harry," Dumbledore said almost hesitantly as Harry turned to walk away, "feel free to come up to my office at any time. I have a feeling I will want to see some of the things you do in my pensieve."
In the Great Hall, Harry sat himself between Hermione and Neville at the Gryffindor table, sending a sad pout to Luna, who was sat at her own table. She made a point of pretending to wipe tears from her eyes in response, causing Harry to mock bawl.
"Harry, why are you wailing silently?" Hermione asked with a twitching mouth.
Harry blinked at his friend, then sent Luna a wink before turning back to her. "I was playing."
"Oh my god, mental images…" Ron groaned.
"You know you like it," winked Harry.
Across the table Seamus grinned at Harry in a perverted fashion. "I certainly like it, Harry!"
Eyeing the Irishman worriedly, Harry wondered whether all the men were going to be perving on him this year. Just as he thought that, he heard a strange, demonic groan from behind him, and cringed. Turning around slowly like a clockwork robot, he came eye to eye with Colin Creevey and his younger brother Dennis, both of whom – much to Harry's resentment – were foaming at the mouth and were cross eyed.
"HELLO HARRY!" Colin boomed, drawing attention away from the sorting. After all, who up and wanders during the fucking sorting? "CAN I SUCK YOUR COCK?!"
Choked laughter filled the hall as the residents wondered whether the waist-height boys had ever done that for Harry. Meanwhile, Harry was staring at them with a twitching eye. "No."
"BUT HARRYYYYYY," whined the brothers, and all of a sudden Professor Trelawney decided that the boys had developed seer abilities. Why? Fuck knows.
"NO!" Harry yelled, clutching his own hair. "YOU MAY NOT SUCK MY COCK! NEITHER MAY YOU DO ANY OTHER PERVERTED THINGS YOU CAN COME UP WITH, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
The hall stared at him with something akin to respect. Hermione eyed him critically. "That's got to be the sanest thing you've said since-"
"Carry on with the sorting, guys, nothing to see here!" Harry yelled innocently, causing Hermione to stare at him suspiciously. Gulping nervously, Harry grinned at the bookworm. "Talk to you later, Herms?"
Hermione didn't seem able to decide whether she wanted to correct him or talk to him more.
Finally, the last eleven year-old was sorted, and Dumbledore raised himself to his feet to give his 'Hey, I'm cooler than your Primary School teachers, so I'm just going to say a few nonsense words and let you stuff yourselves' speech. Just as he'd smiled and raised his arms in welcome, a loud bang went off and music began playing. Where from, no one knew… except Harry, and he wasn't telling.
In unison, the entirety of Slytherin House and Ginny jumped to their feet and began to sing opera style.
"I rub my boobies on my daddy when he's sleeping!" sang Pansy Parkinson in a French accent and a horrified look on her face. In the background, all of the other Slytherins were singing a bouncy, energetic choir.
"I like to masturbate to Hawwy when he's sleeping!" sang Ginny, causing Harry to turn slightly green, although he hid most of it behind a vacant expression.
"WHERE IS MY HEAD?" sang Crabbe and Goyle in unison, clutching their heads.
"I grind my vaggie on my house elves while they're working!" sang Tracey Davies.
"I bite my daddy's neck while he is working!" sang Daphne Greengrass with a terrified expression on her usually blank face.
"WHERE IS MY HEAD?"
"I helped to murder my own daddy!" sang Blaise Zabini, turning pale and glancing towards the staff table fearfully.
"I aborted a baby I had with my sister Adi!" sang a random third year.
"WHERE IS MY HEAD?"
And so it continued on until nearly every Slytherin and Ginny was done… except…
"WE LIKE TO GANG RAPE EACH OTHER'S ARSES!" sang Crabbe and Goyle in unison.
"I used to be a lady but then my daddy wouldn't get horny!" sang Malfoy.
"I'm so perverted I masturbate at the kitchen table," sang Ginny for a second round, actually kneading herself in the suggested area, "I know it's wrong and dirty, but I don't really care.
"I will marry my Hawwy-Wawwy; I know we're meant to be.
"He says no to every shagging, and yet still I tryyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYY-"
"I SHAGGED MY GODSON!" finished Snape loudly, jumping onto the staff table and reaching into the air in a tragic gesture.
The Great Hall fell into suppressed laughs, and Harry, doing his best to keep up his crazy façade, turned to Malfoy. "Is there something you're not telling us, Draco?"
"Alright Harry, out with it," snapped Hermione as she dragged him into a broom closet, "you've been acting very strangely lately, and that prank? That was obviously you."
"But I don't prank, Hermione!" protested Harry.
"TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU COULDN'T TELL ME IN YOUR LETTERS!" spat Hermione like a fire-breathing dragon (in other words, just a dragon).
And so, after checking her occlumency, Harry explained everything; from the blocks, to Snape, to his crazy façade. When he finished, Hermione stared at him. "Are you dating Luna or Lupin?"
"Good, that would have been awkward," sighed Hermione in relief. "So, where did you hear all this about Snape being the one to relay this prophesy to Voldemort?"
"Dumbles accidentally let it slip." To Harry's surprise, Hermione didn't object. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that the old coot had been behaving nearly as madly as himself lately, or perhaps it was Malfoy's bedroom comment earlier…
Hermione looked at him nervously. "So, um… you're a metamorphmagus?"
"Can you turn into Ron for me?"
"You still fancy him?" spluttered Harry.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" whined Hermione in an unusual fashion for her. "He's so gorgeous and… I don't know, red!"
Harry quickly morphed into Ron and made kissy faces, causing Hermione to blush and stammer. Shifting back to himself, only with long hair, he struck a pose. "Which is hotter, me or Ron?"
"Um, well… you?"
"Exactly," said Harry madly, shifting his hair back. "Now, what about Ron do you actually like?"
"Erm… well… he's red."
"Like a tomato?"
"You'd shag a tomato?" asked Harry with a barely hidden laugh.
"No!" protested Hermione indignantly. "It's just… I don't know!"
Harry carried on laughing quietly for a moment. "Ah, Hermie. If you want, you can join me and Luna for a threesome later. It might make you reconsider-"
"Aw, come on-"
"I said no."
Harry pouted and crossed his arms like a little child. "Fine," he said childishly, "I'll just head out for wild monkey sex on my own!"
And so, Harry left the abandoned classroom, leaving Hermione with glossed over eyes. One by one, images flashed before her eyes; Harry and Luna, naked doing various 'forbidden' acts. She blushed as she found herself joining them in the images, and found herself very, very wet.
Wondering whether Harry would still allow her in, she followed what she believed to be his footsteps with clouded thoughts. Little did she know that Harry and Luna had no intention of having sex anytime soon.
A/N: Okay, responses to reviews... oh, there aren't any queries. I must have imagined them. Well, I might as well take the time to do something I have never yet done (I think).
Thank you, reviewers, for your positive responses! On the off chance that I find one of your reviews in my inbox while I'm feeling down, it brings my mood up at least a notch. So again, thank you. It's quite... something. I don't know what, but it is.
So, yeah. Feel free to let me know if you have any prank ideas. After all, combined imagination is often more hilarious than the imagination of one eighteen year-old female! And, as stated at the beginning of each chapter now (and on my profile) should any of your prank ideas be used, whether they be straight from a review/PM, edited or mashed together to create something mad, I will mention your name at the beginning of the chapter, unless you state that you'd rather be left anonymous. In which case, I will respect your feelings. I'm still coming out of my shy shell. XD