Star Warz

Episode L33T:

Republic Salvation


Even more s*** hits the fan!

Despite a conflicting title, this is nonetheless the end of another whacked-up trilogy! To update you, the galaxy is under attack by Cosplayers. Led by the ruthless yet highly effeminate Zowio, the Consortium proves to be quite the challenge.

Though the Jedi managed to stop the Shroob-wannabes, they couldn't stop the invasion. While searching for the leader, the Jedi are captured at their headquarters on Endor. The Jawa, Squishy, escapes the planet but is shot down before reaching hyperspace.

With the other Jedi still captured and Squishy presumed dead, does the Republic stand a chance? And could there possibly be a higher power overlooking all this? Who knows... who knows...

(Show a black screen. There are howling noises as the time goes by)

?: Ugh... wh, where am I? Who am I?

(Show the screen getting a little brighter)

?: What happened? Has anything happened?

(Brightens more)

?: Is this all real? Do I exist? What does it all mean?

(Screen brightens into a green/black screen. Show a lump floating through the abyss)

?: Maybe I should let it all go... rest...

(Zoom in on figure floating in robes and looking unconscious)

?: Squishy...? (Figure squirms) Squishy...! (Figure rolls up to be revealed as a Jawa)

Squishy: Huh? Who said that? Who are you?

?: Open your eyes Squishy... (Squishy opens eyes and looks around him)

Squishy: So this is what death's like?

?: Not quite, Squishy.

Squishy: What?

(Show several figures spiraling toward him)

?: Look upon us, young Squishy. Upon your ancestors.

Squishy: My... ancestors?

(Reveal the figures as several Jawas in assorted robes of antiquity and age)

Ancestor1: Yes, Squishy. We are all those who had come before you, all of us born upon the same burning sands beneath the same twin suns as yourself.

Squishy: Huh. Doesn't change the whole "Me being Dead" scenario.

Ancestor2: You're merely locked away in your subconscious, little Squishy. The explosion that beset your craft did not end your life.

Squishy: It didn't?

Ancestor3: Yes. By some miracle, the cockpit formed a protective casing around you that kept you safe as you reentered the atmosphere until it disintegrated. Right now, you're hanging from a tree in what could best be considered a... mild coma.

Squishy: Coma, huh? Guess that makes sense how I'm talking to dead people without being dead. But what does this all mean?

Ancestor1: It means you have another chance to save your friends.

Ancestor3: And with them, rid the galaxy of those who threaten all you hold dear.

Ancestor2: As well as our precious homeworld. Can't forget that.

Squishy: I don't know. They got real close to killing me, and I was ready for the end. What if I'm not good enough to face them?

Ancestor4: I dare say you are good enough! Look at what you have accomplished on your own, and the struggles you won when you had friends to back you up.

Ancestor1: Outlandishly impressive for a humble Jawa.

Ancestor2: The pride of Tatooine, and worthy to stand alongside other heroes of yore.

Squishy: Uhh... thanks, I guess.

Ancestor1: You cannot falter, not when the enemy is on the verge of gaining total control.

Ancestor4: You and your friends must rally the galaxy to fight back! To keep what is theirs without oppression, as so many other times before!

Ancestor2: Our homeworld and your own kind depend on it!

Ancestor3: Will you lay off on the homeworld already?

Ancestor2: What? You came from it, and so did everyone else here! I'll be darned for some weirdos in costume to have their way with it.

Ancestor5: It's only a massive sandball, you realize?

Ancestor2: It's our sandball!

Ancestor1: Enough, please! Can we just focus on Squishy here real quick? (Silence) Thank you. Listen here, young Jawa: the key is to believe in yourself. All it takes is a little heart to achieve many things and turn "impossible" into "I'm possible". You've already done so much for the sake of others, faced many seemingly insurmountable odds. Why stop now?

Ancestor3: We believe in you.

Ancestor5: All of us.

Ancestor1: And as do your friends. For them at least, do not give up.

(Show a wide range of ancient Jawas cheering him on to fight. Turn to Squishy, who's bowed his head and sheds a tear)

Squishy: Gee... this always gets to me. Very well. I'LL DO IT! (A great long cheer from the huge gathering. After quieting down a bit) Now how do I get out of here?

Ancestor2: Oh, we can't let you leave yet, deary.

Squishy: Huh? Why not?

Ancestor4: Well... You're not really ready to take on Zowio.

Squishy: WHAT!? And you had me all choked for nothing!?

Ancestor3: It'd make convincing you to get back into the fight a lot easier. If we'd told you how unprepared you were to do it, it would've been a harder sell.

Squishy: But you're my ancestors! Don't you think I would've agreed despite the odds? You didn't have to hide this kind of stuff from me; it kinda makes the emotions seem meaningless.

Ancestor3: Well, that's family for you.

Ancestor1: The bottom line is, Squishy, you need your friends fight Zowio, and right now they're on Mytus VII being held prisoner by Combine posers.

Ancestor5: And Combine don't fool around. Not in Half-Life 2, and definitely not now.

Ancestor4: Being silly and jumping around isn't gonna do you any good. That's why we're here: to train you into something harder, better, faster, stronger.

Squishy: Okay, so which of you is going to train me?

(A pause)

Ancestor1: Okay... we weren't truthful about that either.

Ancestor3: We've been dead for centuries. We don't keep current with all the crazy, new-fangled fighting techniques you new generations keep coming up with!

Ancestor2: Needless to say, none of us here are properly qualified to train you for this century. However, we did call in some help.

(Beckons in a tall, imposing figure, whose appearance causes Squishy's eyes to widen)

Squishy: R. Lee Ermy!? What're you doing here!?

Ermy: I may play historian on TV, but in your world I am the most hard-a** trainer you ever met! I'm going to turn you from Squishy to Solid: solid enough to bounce a torpedo back at the submarine that fired it! Plus I'll teach you 4 simple steps in becoming the ultimate bad-a** in any situation!

Squishy: Cool! When do I start?

Ermy: Immediately, soldier! Now MOVE OUT!

(Turn to Mytus VII outside of the rebuilt Star's End prison. Inside, many cosplayers dressed as Combine soldiers patrol the halls and levels of the building. Turn to holding cell near top of prison where the rest of the Jedi glumly wait out their stay)

Jo: This sucks.

Will: I still can't believe we've all lost.

Sara: I still can't believe Squishy's dead.

Anna: I still can't believe I got a Dell. (They all look at her) What!? It's bull crap compared to the older computers in this galaxy! Sheesh!

Cope: Well, at least there aren't any fan made movies like in the last prison we were in.

Guard: Oh, don't worry. For entertainment, we have Broadway Flood Reborn.

(Cope slams against door)

Cope: Kill me now! PLEASE!

(Turn to lobby of complex where there are still guards. Suddenly time stops and everything goes black and white. Then Ermy's voice is heard)

Ermy: Alright, grunt! Here are the four steps to becoming the ultimate bad-a**. Listen up, cuz I'm only saying this once!

(Everything returns to normal. Then a huge explosion happens at the entrance where time slows to show the extent of the blast. Show the guards looking at the inferno, where cloaked figure walks through)

Ermy: Step 1: make an entrance.

(The figure keeps walking through the flames)

Ermy: Step 2: always be accompanied by appropriate music.

(Music from Terminator 2 plays as the guards prep for battle)

Ermy: Step 3: appear untouchable.

(With a wave of their hands, the figure pushes aside the flames and rubble and holds a commanding stance. The guards surround him and the music stops)

Ermy: And finally Step 4: kick a ton of a**! (Matrix music blares as the figure reveals itself to be R. Lee Ermy, who leaps forward and deals the hurt to everyone. He does a bunch of Neo-like moves while employing some other slick tactics. At some point, Squishy, who is strapped in a baby carrier on Ermy's back, pops up)

Squishy: Hey, isn't this supposed to be my bad-a** moment?

Ermy: Quiet, runt! I ain't letting some pipsqueak flop about and ruin something this intense! Now shut up while I paint the town red.

(Ermy kicks a guy into a hall where more guards gather. They fire tear gas and wait. Soon he leaps through the mist and continues the bashing. At one point he dodges gunfire by running along some columns in the hall and cartwheeling into the air landing on two guard's fares. Then he whips out a crowbar and starts whacking everybody in a marvelous fashion)

Ermy: Whack whack whack whack whack, you sons of b****es!

(When even more guards come he force grabs two enemy guns and goes to town!)

Ermy: Get some!

(As he's firing all the long while he continues moving down the hall. At one point a guy dressed as a Xenomorph leaps at him)

Ermy: Eat this!

(He pulls out a shotgun and shoves it into the alien's mouth before blowing out the back of its head, laughing all the while as he keeps moving. When things are quiet he drops the guns and moves on. Soon he reaches a circular room with elevators and stories of open air and jail cell walkways above him; the center of Star's End. That's when even more and more guards surround him and blocking every exit, trapping him in the middle. He puts on his most ornery face, eyes flaring with rage)

Ermy: You piles of s*** are the sorriest bunch of soldiers I ever did see! Not one of you is even fit to carry a pea shooter! Now drop and give me fifty before looking me in the eye!

(Intimidated, the Combine drop their guns and get onto the ground, whimpering and doing push-ups. Ermy looks upward)

Ermy: Your friends are way up there. (Reaches back and pulls Squishy to his front with both hands) I'll keep these maggots busy while you rescue them. Sound like a plan?

Squishy: Yeah, but when do I start coming up with the plan?

Ermy: Starting now.

(He drops the Jawa and punts him yelling straight up. The Jedi, meanwhile, look around for the sudden shouting, but then a brown blur shoots up past their cell, only to fall back down and land hard before the bars, groaning)

Jo: Great googily moogily! I must have already gone insane from the boredom!

Sara: Squishy! You're alive!

Cope: How did I know this was going to happen?

(Squishy struggles to get up, rubbing his head and getting to the bars to open the door)

Squishy: We got to get out of here, guys. That psycho rigged this place with explosives on the outside, so we need to get back to the Sparrow.

Will: What psycho?

Squishy: I'll explain later. (Opens door) Let's go!

(So they escape the exploding prison in the Sparrow, while Ermy is outside drilling the surviving guards mercilessly around the burning complex. Some time later, we find our heroes on the bridge of Home One with the rest of the fleet. After some explanations and grateful hugging)

Sara: Oooooooh, Squishy! How wonderful it is that you're actually alive!

Squishy: Yes, yes, I know. I thought you were done with the hugging, already.

Will: A coma, huh? Don't know how that could summon a guy like R. Lee Ermy, though.

Squishy: I dunno, either. The universe is just whack like that. (Winks at screen)

Jo: Well at least it's nice to know I'm not imagining things.

Chris: Squishy! (Walks in) Welcome back, my friend. Quite the sticky wicket you got yourself into back there, eh? Takes me back to my days of being kicked around... no wait, I was the one doing the kicking.

Ackbar: If you're all done reacquainting with each other, we must go to the meeting room to find out our next plan of attack. Joseph, I would like you to do the honors in getting everyone up to date on the situation.

Jo: Wait, huh? Why me?

Anna: Face of the group, remember?

Will: Reinstatement, dude.

Jo: Oh... Well heck yeah. Let's do this!

(Inside a meeting room where Jo has finished his briefing)

Jo: So in short, we're definitely fighting cosplayers, and they're deadlier and craftier than the previous Fan Boys.

Pilot 1: So what do we do about it?

Will: We now know their head of command has moved to Coruscant, which of course is under their control.

Pilot 2: So let's go in and blast 'em!

Cope: It's not as simple as that. These guys are much more cunning than we thought, and are bound to have a good defense array around that planet.

Ackbar: And we happen to have data on such an array. Lights please. (Lights dim) Some days ago, we sent scout ships to the planet to see if the populace had in fact been replaced with cosplayers. In order to do that, the planetary shields had to go down, and fortunately we had the codes to override them. Yet what they found above the surface was much more troubling. (Show a picture of a dark warrior wearing all black, including a black batwing helmet, real large batwings, and a black guitar thing in one hand and pure red eyes) This is a picture of an unknown warrior that single-handedly destroyed our three scout ships. (Switches pictures) In this shot, we see him firing lightning at one ship that is being shot from his odd instrument. (Switches off display) Those ships could withstand any amount of small arms fire. If one person could decimate three ships, then who knows what else they have on that standby. Which is why we have delayed a counterattack as of now.

Squishy: (Slams fist) Those bas****s!

Anna: What's up, Squish?

Squishy: They're already using his powers for evil, I can't believe it! They must be stopped, and the only way is to fight fire with fire! (To everyone) Listen up, peeps! We're taking back that planet right now and ending this rabble immediately!

Jo: Sheesh, Squishy, what's got the fire under your pants?

Squishy: ...Something very dear to my heart being misused for malcontent, is all.

Will: You saw those pictures, Squish. How do you plan on fighting that, exactly?

Squishy: Exactly as I said before. But first, we must stop by Telti. There's a "package" there that I've been meaning to pick up for some time now.

Cope: Why do I have the feeling I'm going to regret this in some way?

(Turn to Coruscant surface. The cityscape goes on without rest and trouble as if nothing ever happened. But some shadows appear and move across the surface. Some of the populace stops to see what's up to see a most troubling sight. Spiraling down and stopping in the air, there hovers a saucer-like machine with four pincer arms and piloted by Squishy in a glass cockpit. Accompanying him are the other Jedi in smaller saucers and the music from stage 2 of Gitaroo Man. After some fancy arm gestures Squishy sends the other saucers unto the populace where they start shooting red lasers. Then the sign Charge quickly appears and the vocals are played. As the music goes on Squishy pulls out a guitar and plays through the song. About halfway through the Charge Phase, Republic ships descend and start firing missiles. Also while Squishy is charging, a black figure zooms through the airways toward our attackers. After pulling off a long riff the warrior appears before the ships and Squishy leaves his vessel to face the dark man on the walkways. But then the music abruptly stops)

Squishy: Okay Mr. Badguy, I know your game. We play your way, we lose by default. So we're gonna mix it up with a little "Osu" action. Hit it, guys!

(The other Jedi switch on some radios, with large speakers jutting out of their saucers)

Radio: H-H-He-LLOOOO! This is Porno Graffiti Music Hour, Rock Out Station. Stay Tuuuuned!

(Suddenly the bumpin' beats of the song "Music Hour" fill the air, confusing the demon guy and causing Squishy to bop to the rhythm)

Squishy: Alright, let's play!

(The battle commences, except as the music plays, circles appear on screen and get tapped in sequence to the music, generating points as Squishy grooves along to the Japanese tunes. The guitar-wielding demon is befuddled by this shift in gameplay style, and flouders about before the musical assault. All the while the Republic ships continue blasting cosplayer reinforcements and the Jedi set about rescuing prisoners. Towards the song's finale, the demon stops and sees that everything is pretty much under Republic control again. It shakes a fist then flies away. However, Squishy spots a missile coming in from a Republic cruiser and hops atop it, riding it after the fleeing foe. He sings off the rest of the song as the demon gets bombarded by the recurring score counter, and when the vocals finish, Squishy kicks off from the missile, sending it right into the demon and obliterating him to dust)

Radio: This program was brought to you by Porno Graffiti. See you next time.

(Squishy lands onto a walkway and pulls out a comm link)

Squishy: Alright, Ackbar. Defenses are nil. Bring the rest of the ships closer in for attack. (To Jedi) Okay guys! Time to take the Imperial Palace! Zowio should be in there!

(He gets sucked back up into his saucer, and the team fly off. The ships move in on the Palace as "Dollet Landing" music plays)

Will: We're almost there.

(As they approach, the entrance guards rush out)

Squishy: Alright. Eject and... Jazz Hands!

(They leap from their crafts and jazz hand their way through the ranks and into the lobby. It is completely deserted)

Anna: Odd. I was expecting more resistance.

Jo: I guess those guys we passed were the only resistance.

(They rush to the elevators. Before they reach the buttons)

?: So, thought you were done with me yet, eh, Jedi?

Cope: Oh for the love of GOD NOO! Not you again!

?: Oh please! That Kirk-wannabe never amounted to anything!

(From the shadows comes a guy dressed in a humongous Death Star costume)

Sara: Oh, good. It's just another dumb cosplayer.

?: I am no cosplayer! I am just using this fool's body for the moment. In truth, I am the very spirit of the Death Star!

Anna: Psah! Yeah right.

Jo: Sure, guy.

?: You ingrates neglect me in all your episodes, when I alone made the entire Star Wars franchise so popular. Without me there would be no Star Wars or fan fiction for Star Wars. Just a bunch a nerds sitting around watching crap like Star Trek all day.

Cope: You take that back, punky!

Anna: Alex! Chill, relax. He's just baiting you like a common internet troll, which he most likely is.

?: And the biggest disgrace you have done to me was the misuse of my license. Some time ago you "originally" created something called the Galactic Doom. But the truth was that you stole my concept and multiplied it by 13! That's serious copyright infringement! So, rather than settle this in court, I'm going to settle this by melting you all off the face of this galaxy!

Will: Whoa whoa whoa, bud. First off, Pickles made the Doom, not us. And second, why should we care?

Jo: Yeah, you're just some loser fan boy pretending to be the Death Star. You can tell by just looking at you. What with those crappy curves and the fake durasteel coating and that lightbulb in the cannon that's getting brighter and brighter and... hey, that is pretty bright. Where'd you get that? I might need it on the Falcon someda-

Squishy: Jo! Look out!

(Knocks Jo down as a blast barely misses him and disintegrates a pillar. That's Cope's cue to rush the guy and slash with a saber, only to be knocked back by some powerful shield)

?: Ha, mortals! Have you forgotten!? I'm the flippin' Death Star! I have the most powerful shields known in the whole freakin' galaxy! I'm untouchable you nubs! Wahahaha! (Will puts his hand to his mouth and contemplates) Hey... what're you thinking about? What are you planning to do-

(Gets hit with a green burst that shorts out his shields, then drops like a sack of potatoes from a quick shot in the head. Turn back to Jedi where Jo is holding a cooling Plasma Pistol and Will is holding an Assault Rifle)

Will: Noob Combo, b***h! (Lowers rifle) Maybe if you were 200 times your size you'd be invincible. Yet at your current height, a simple Plasma Pistol will make you about as untouchable as anyone else on this planet. (Throws down rifle) Come on, guys. Let's roll.

(They go into the elevator. Meanwhile the city, airways are crowded with fighting ships and land turrets. The Republic ships move closer and closer to the Palace. In orbit on Home One)

Ackbar: That's it, men. We almost have it completely surrounded.

(Yet the building starts to shake, then it blasts off from its foundation and shoots up to the sky. Soldiers all around look in stunned disbelief as it escapes the atmosphere. On the elevator there is shaking)

Anna: You know, the last time that happened, something bad had gone down.

Jo: Whatever. We'll take it as it comes.

(The doors open. They walk in to find a cavernous room with the interior designs and decorations of a huge cathedral but with no pews)

Will: What the heck is this?

?: It's like I say: home is where the imagination is. (Zowio walks out onto the level in front of them) So you made it. And caused quite a mess at that.

Sara: Zowio you freak, this all ends now!

Zowio: So you want to take me on? As I recall, you were on the verge of giving up all hope, am I right?

Squishy: Leave her alone. The time for psych-outs is long over.

Zowio: Ah, Squishy. Still alive I see? I thought it would turn out this way. Nothing unforetold, beat for beat.

Jo: What do you mean?

Zowio: Silence! You came for a fight, correct? Well as you said, the time for talk has ended. (Pulls off and drops cape) You will now see the true power of Gregorio the III, fully harnessed by this very cathedral. Hope you're good with that guitar, Jawa. A fairly convincing imitation, don't you think?

Squishy: (Pulls out guitar) Look who's talking!

Zowio: Touché. But a sharp tongue will not save you in this battle. En garde!

(They commence in a recreation of Stage 8 of Gitaroo Man, with Zowio conducting an invisible orchestra and Squishy strumming off heavy metal riffs. After the first Attack Phase)

Zowio: Curse my delayed Attack Phase! Come forth, creepy choir boys!

(Scary, lifeless choir boys appear, but Squishy destroys them during the Charge and Attack phases. Then Zowio starts his attack using lasers set to a Jazz organ. It continues as normal yet Squishy's attacks also destroy plenty of the scenery, revealing the original interior beneath it. At the end of Battle only the back wall remains of the church and Zowio is cornered. For the Final Phase, Zowio deflects all of Squishy's attacks to the wall. The wall crumbles and cracks and after Squishy's final riff it implodes into nothingness. Finally revealed is a bare wall containing a large window and a throne in front of it. Outside we see space, the planet and the remainder of the Republic's fleet)

Zowio: As you can see, we are now in Coruscant orbit. Things were looking a bit hot on the surface, so I had us lifted somewhere a little more quiet.

Will: It won't make much difference. Your empire is done, and all that's left is you.

Zowio: Oh, don't be so sure about that. You see, we still have one warrior left. One to exceed the powers of all you faced before. He's even close to meeting my skills.

Cope: Yeah right. If you want to be convincing, you'd say he far exceeds you.

Zowio: Hey! Is this your introductory speech or what? Now no interruptions! Ah-hem. (Signals to throne) Arise! Greatest Cosplay Warrior!

(A heavily robed figure rises slowly from the throne. It then slowly moves forward and stops before the Jedi as ominous music plays)

Squishy: (In thoughts) Huh... someone actually cosplayed the Emperor? This is going to be interesting.

(The figure then tosses off it's robes to reveal himself as... Michael Jackson!, to the shock of the Jedi and the glee of Zowio. He then goes about dancing to one of this songs)

Michael: OOOOh! Shamona, b****es!

Cope: Oh please for the sake of ******* God NOOOOOOOOO!

Zowio: Yes! The King of Pop shall help me become the King of the Universe!

Squishy: Oh no you don't! Oh, no, you, don't! I've been meaning to do this for sooooo long! Okay, Michael! Let's just see who really is bad! Come on guys! LET'S HUSTLE!

(They then go into a dance-off to end all dance-offs between good and Michael Jackson while set to "Thriller". They go about making fresh moves and dances and slides and the electricity of the face off simply fills the air! After the song they stop with poses to catch their breaths)

Will: Well... had enough... punk?

Zowio: Oh, but the party's just starting. We still need more guests. (Pulls out walkie-talkie) Send them in. (Puts it away. On the Home One)

Tech: Sir!

Ackbar: What is it?

Tech: Our surrounding sensors are off the charts! Incoming ships in the dozens!

Ackbar: From where?

Tech: Everywhere!

(Suddenly dozens upon dozens of ships descend upon the fleet in one big circle after popping from hyperspace)

Ackbar: May the Force have mercy on all of us...

(Back to a shocked Jedi dance squad)

Anna: What The ****!?

Zowio: Now Michael! While they're distracted!

Jo: Huh!?

(Michael then dances super fast at a pace to which the Jedi barely keep up. In time one by one of them are flung aside by the dance until Squishy is left. He is now kneeling and panting. Michael then does a super spin and performs 3 pelvic thrusts that sends Squishy flying)

Micahel: Heeey, heeeey! No one can dethrone the King, baby!

Squishy: Ughh... (Get up on elbows) You are not the King... but you do have skills.

Zowio: Face it. Your precious fleet is as good as scrap, and you're no match for the true power of Cosplaying. Give up now and I can make you all my lowly but still-living servants.

Squishy: ...

Zowio: Come now, what do you say?

Squishy: ... (In mind) D****t! I can't believe this! Done in again by something I love! What am I to do? It's all hopeless!

Ancestor1: Don't give up so quickly, little one.

Squishy: Huh? What're you doing in my mind?

Ancestor1: I'm part of your subconscious, fool! Now listen: you can't lose hope so soon. You have something on backup, don't you?

Squishy: No! I have nothing!

Ancestor1: Okay, then think: what kept Luke going at the end of Episode 6?

(Squishy thinks a bit and then)

Squishy: No...

Ancestor1: That is what will see you through.

(Beeping is heard from Zowio)

Zowio: (Pulls out walkie) What is it? I'm busy!

Tech: It's important, sir! We've got incoming enemy ships. It's massive! It's almost in the hundreds!

Zowio: WHAT!?

(They all look out. From the depths of space comes a huge fleet of Republic, Ssi-Ruuk and a bunch of other odd ships. In the lead is Jawa Home, where standing on the bow proudly is Chris.)

Chris: (Shooting out arm) FIRE!

(Every ship fire a massive volley that takes out about half of the enemy fleet. The fleet converges on the enemy and starts blasting. Back to the shocked and hateful stares of Jackson and Zowio)

Michael: Ooooooh. Things ain't looking good for Michael's Possehhh!

(There is beeping from Squishy. He holds up his wrist to show a video watch with a lizard in shades on it)

Steezy: Hey, Squishy! Sorry we took so long; looks like you needed the help. Where you at, man?

Squishy: Steezy! There's no time! Quickly upload my songs onto my i-Star, stat!

Steezy: You got it dude. (Signs out)

Zowio: Hey. What do you think you're doing?

Squishy: Okay Jackson. (Puts on i-Pod lookalike) You may be good at pop, but what about other genres? (Other Jedi put on i-Pods) Time to end this now.

Zowio: This... doesn't look good.

(The Jedi hold stances in a row, then the backdrop becomes a green screen and the Jedi are silhouettes of themselves. They then go about doing i-Pod dances to various song tracks. Tracks included are "Bee Jam Blues", "Get Down Tonight", Metroid Disco Mix, Super Mario Land Dance Mix, the guitar solo at the end of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "Mr. Sandman". They each perform their own unique moves, such as Cope's outrageous headspin. Also with each track Michael gets disoriented and flustered trying to keep up while parts of his costume come off, including his nose. Back in space where the battle wages on, we find Chris on Jawa Home overlooking things)

Tech: Sir! More ships are coming in from hyperspace!

Chris: Very well, let them come. It'll just make things a little more interesting around here. Franz Ferdinand this!

(On the station the gang reaches the end of "Take Me Out", where they combine their moves for the ultimate dance. Michael continues flailing around losing more of his costume. At the end of the song the Jedi spin together to form a huge whirlwind that rattles Michael to the ground. When they're done everything returns to normal. The man on the floor is revealed as the sham he is)

Michael: Please. No more. I don't want to do this anymore. It's so stupid.

Squishy: It's over, Zowio. This is it.

(Zowio stands there growling. Then he looks up yelling)


(Throws a hat onto Michael's head, bringing back his mojo. Then Zowio leaps onto him and in a flash of transforms into a tall, shiny Robo-Jackson!)


(Teleports out of room and outside of window where he zips off to the battle)

Sara: Oh crap! We can't let him get to the fleet!

Jo: But there's no way of getting out of here.

Squishy: No. There's still one way. Bust our your rings guys.

Cope: Oh, do we have to? (No answer) Fiiine.

(They connect rings on their fingers)

All: With our powers combine, we morph intoooooooooo... Liberty! (In great epileptic flashes they fuse into the ultimate figure of freedom: The Statue of Liberty, holding a torch lightsaber! She teleports out into space and chases Robo-Jackson. Once caught up they engage in a battle like Stage 10 of Gitaroo Man, where each combatant gives off screeching guitar riffs set to an intense score. They fight in space and then through the battle area, dodging laser fire, zipping through fighters and even flying through the insides of an exploding capital ship. Finally they fly above the battle for the Final Phase and engage in much heated melee action. After Liberty's final riff comes a final saber slash that expels Zowio and sends him shooting to the station. Meanwhile Robo-Jackson falls to the remainder of the Cosplay fleet where it detonates and takes em all out, to which Liberty holds up her torch as lightning strikes. It then flies back to the station. Inside the Jedi return to normal to find a tattered, dying Zowio before them)

Anna: Are you done yet?

Zowio: (Coughs some blood) Br... bravo, Jedi... (Coughs) You have bested me for good. I'm done for...

Sara: Great! Now peace can finally reign again!

Zowio: Don't be so sure, little lady.

Will: Huh? What was that?

Zowio: Yes. Peace won't last long. Something else will come up soon.

Squishy: What the freak are you talking about? Are there more of you guys!?

Zowio: Not that I know of. But... he'll cook something up. As long as he oversees things, there will never be true peace. Just one interstellar threat after another.

Cope: Who? Who are you talking about?

Zowio: Heh heh heh... enjoy your break while it lasts. He'll send something worse your way reeeeal soon. Guhhh... (Dies and disappears)

Jo: What the freak was that about? What guy?

Sara: Could he have been delusional?

Will: I don't know. But he sounded pretty confident about new threats. What do you think, Squish? Squish?

(Squishy is just standing there with his head down. Then he raises it with an evil look)

Squishy: Oh... Just... Freakin' Lovely! He just had to go and blab it all out!

Sara: Squishy!?

Squishy: It was going to be a regular ending if he hadn't talked. I should've hit him with lightning if I knew he was going to do all this. Ah well. Time to fix this mess.

(Squishy groans and kneels as his body convulses, then he gets flung up and slams into the ceiling, only to fly back down into the ground. He bounces around the room as though possessed, until finally smashing aside the throne and stopping before the large window. He stands up and holds up his arms, straining as something gurgles within. Then suddenly)

Squishy: Come on, Everybody! WOOO!

(Steam blasts out from every hole in his robes, obscuring the air with mist as swing music starts to play. Suddenly a swarm of Jawas rush in, passing by the stunned Jedi. They hurry about the room rigging up props and lights, and eventually they have two large spotlights set up and turned on. They focus the beams onto the center of the steam cloud, which has cleared away to reveal a tall man in a white suit with a white tophat and spiffy cane. He raises his head and reveals himself as... The Contractor!)

Cont: OK, Mr. Sunshine!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy!

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari on the Swing!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari on the Swing

Ima, hajimaru yo ki-mi to

Boku noooooooooo! Mitai-ken ado-venture!

(He begins to groove around the "stage" as he sings some more)

Cont: Sky, tershi-te yo. Ohisama wa bokura no Spotolighto sa.

Oh smile, kikoeru yo. Tokai no shareru Swingu Beato

Odoru yo Dance! Dance! Dance!

Kurukuru mawaru. Kumo wo tsukinukete.

Kimi to... Korogarita-iiiiiiiii!

Ai no kake-ra wo atsume, sora ni ukabeyouuuuuuuu, Oh Yeah.

OK, Mr. Sunshine!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy!

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Bokura no Symphony!

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy!

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Hajikeru fantasy!

Ima, hajimaru yo ki-mi to

Boku noooooooooo! Mitai-ken ado-venture!

All: (Jazz hands) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

(Contractor discards his tophat and cane before leaping down to the floor. Upon landing he begins tap-dancing, and when he pauses a Jawa at the drums plays a bit, followed by more show-off tap-dancing. The tapping and drum beats intensify)

Cont: Come on!

(He taps rapidly around the room to the relentless drumbeat, weaving past the mesmerized Jedi and making his way to the other end of the room. He abruptly stops, holds still, then spins around at the drop of the bongos. The floorspace had magically become a garden party, with tables, refreshment stations and Jawa waiters carrying around cocktail wienies and drinks. As piano and horns play, Contractor casually struts about among the Jedi, speaking to their stunned looks as he passes by)

Cont: Ah welcome, all of you. Jo, so good to see you; bounty-hunting doing well? Did you lose weight, Anna? Still tall as ever, Copeland. And Will and Sara, always the cute couple. (Grabs a drink from a passing waiter, then checks an imaginary watch with a start) Ohp, gotta run. Great seeing ya!

(He dashes back up to the stage, where a spiral slide and ladder has been erected. He climbs the ladder to the top, and once there he tosses to wave at the Jedi with a smile, then downs his drink and tosses the glass before going down the slide. He spirals downward, breaking out of a paper net emblazoned with a giant blue "C" and wearing a white tuxedo. He rushes up to the front of the stage and brings up a microphone to resume singing before a bright spotlight, in front of a massive theater of Jawa that had materialized from nowhere)

Cont: Tonight, terahi-te yo. Hoshi zora wa bokura no Bulacku Righto sa.

Tuxedo (horns), oshareshi-te (horns). Odorou bokura no rhythm de Hayariiiiii

No Step, Step Step!

Kaze kitte mawaru. Shisen wa kugizuke saaaaa.

Kimi no... Katamari-taiiiii

Futari wa un-mei-no naka ni-ma-ki komaretaaaaandaaa, Oh Yeah.


Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Tokimeki Destiny.

Jawa: Nanaa! Nanana nanananana Katamari Damacy

Cont: Nanaaaa! Nanana nanananana Yappari I Love You!

Kyou mo, dokoka de de-ai-ii


Hi ni ya-ke-ta hada.

(Drums play out and Contractor and Jawa jazz hands once more. With a final blast of a horn, the room returns to its previous state, leaving just the Contractor standing before the overturned throne in his original white suit, breathing heavily with arms raised and a massive smile on his face. The Jedi only look on in utter speechlessness, until)

Anna: ...Was that all really necessary?

Cont: Obviously! I'm your God, for Pete's sake! I have to make impressions you know.

Sara: Why are you here, and what have you done to Squishy? Give back Squishy!

Cont: Oh, fine. Ignore the elaborate show I put on for you benefit like it was nothing. Because you obviously do such things waaaay better. But, I suppose it's only fair for everyone to be present, so here you go. (Vomits up Squishy who tumbles back to the Jedi) Ugh... I've got to stop doing that.

Sara: Squishy! Are you okay?

Squishy: Uhhhhh... was I just in a music number?

Will: You sure were.

Anna: A d**n impressive one.

Cont: Thank you! Someone who appreciates the finer arts, despite appearances.

Jo: So why are you here anyway?

Cont: What? Can't your creator stop by to observe your handiwork every once in a while? I'm mildly offended.

Squishy: No... That stuff you made me say. What was that about Zowio blabbing?

Cont: Oh fine, you've caught me. I admit it: I did those things.

Will: What things?

Cont: Why, everything, dear William. The Fanboys; Kangaroo; the summoning of Lavos; Chris blowing up those planets under Henry's control; these cretins. Yeah, I did it. I was behind it all.

Sara: But why? All those people dead! Planets destroyed! For what reason did you do it!?

Cont: Hey, it's all for the ratings, baby. Which brings me to another point. Hey, I know you all must be shocked by this, but listen for me for a bit.

Cope: I think I'm gonna be sick...

Cont: (Snaps fingers) Now you're not. Now pay attention! You see, Star Warz has always been a parody series spoofing pop culture I like. But lately, things have gotten a little more serious and emotional, beginning with the second trilogy. Well, the reason for that is that I'm getting tired of the comedy biz. Lately I've been thinking of doing more serious, dramatic pieces. Then it hit me: I shall make this universe more mature. So this is why I made trilogy numero tres.

Anna: And what's the point of this trilogy, exactly? I'm not really following.

Cont: To set into motion my grand scheme, of course. The first step was to bring Ssi-Ruuk into the picture. I believed they were key for my plan. As for the Cosplayers, they were just a plot filler to hide my intentions. If that Zowio hadn't talked then this trilogy would've ended just as normal, going on into Phase 2.

Jo: So what is this grand plan of yours?

Will: Why are the Ssi-Ruuk so important?

Cont: For 8 simple syllables: Intergalactic Cross-Breeding.

Squishy: (Counts off fingers) Six, seven... my god! He's right!

Cope: What did you just say!?

Cont: You heard me! You see, I've always had a thing for stories about an outcast to its own race who strives and comes out on top, and I've also had a thing for lizards. So I planned on having a Ssi-Ruuk and an alien in this galaxy fall in love in the next trilogy. In time, they mate and the female shall be pregnant. Now rather than have the child be a hideous freak of nature, I will use my powers to shape it into a smooth crossbreed like the dog I own in my world. Then the tale begins: an extraterrestrial crossbreed despised by all who, is really a gentle soul at heart. It will go on to travel the galaxy, grow up and find love and equality for all races in the galaxy. It shall be emotionally riveting and a tear-jerker at many points! No longer shall I be called a hack as I wrought unto the world the greatest nuance drama ever! I'll prove to everyone just how serious and emotional I can be, even if I must wreck the universe that I built from scratch! Face it: I'm going to create something new and beautiful and it's going to involve lizard sex. Now, submit to the changes and things shall go smoothly for all of you.

(After some stunned silence)

Anna: ... Do you realize how much of a sick mother-jumper you are!?

Jo: Screw you, Contractor! We ain't letting you mess with us for your sicko experiment!

Cont: Haaaa... you just don't realize that you have no voice in this. And another thing: I'm done with all that Contractor crap. From now on, I shall be know as: (Rips off suit to reveal casual clothing) Connor! (Strikes pose) Ace Director!

Squishy: Okay, but to let you know, you're not going to do anything around here without us putting up a fight!

Cont: Why, Squishy, you're actually defying me? And to think, you were my very perfect translation into Jawa form. Where'd I go wrong?

Squishy: By being such an ominous and meany overlord, that's where!

Cont: Heheheheheh... very well. If it's a fight you want, a fight you'll get. This shall be the ultimate turning point in my dream: the destruction of my former, poorer creations!

Anna: (Looking to comrades) Are you all sure about this?

Jo: Of course. If they can do it in God of War, so can we.

Will: I've never heard of that game.

(They all whip out sabers)

Sara: Time to end this!

Cope: About friggin' time!

Squishy: Okay, Connor! Here we come!

Cont: Then prepare for the greatest fight of your existence. Oliolioooooooo!

(To the boss theme from Bomberman Jetters, the Jedi rush at him and start fighting. Contractor teleports around giving off blows and floating around spouting taunts, at one point landing atop Anna's outstretched saber and delivering a kick to her face. The Jedi manage to gang up and stab him, but he throws them back and warps them to a blue stratosphere, where everyone freefalls amidst powerful winds)

Cont: Too breezy for ya, Jedi? (Wind whips at his thin hair) Aiie! My bald spot!

(The Jedi reorient and bash him groundward, which abruptly sprouts bamboo forests. Suddenly Contractor appears in a kappa costume, whirling around a sword and lunging at the Jedi. He slashes wildly at them, but Will kicks him through some trees, which collapse and give rise to several skyscrapers. Contractor then becomes Agent Smith, and fires off some slo-mo bullets while firing himself off like a cannon. Sara and Anna slice through him, and everyone gets teleported to the stae of a saloon, where a can-can line comes by with Contractor riding atop it. After surviving the chorus girls, the Jedi then find themselves in a limbo conga line, with Contractor playing the beat on metal drums. He leaps down and kicks the limbo pole at Jo, but he kicks it back and knocks the deranged god into another warp. The battle fields change, as do Contractor's attacks, which include Ultima, saxophone, baseballs, bats, Pokéballs, Dragon Balls, Pong paddles, the Moon, Tingle, and even Binary Code Disruptions. Yet the Jedi keep up with each change. Soon everything becomes a blur of changing battlefields until things go black. Then the screen turns white and the Jedi appear on an empty plain. Contractor appears behind them, and Squishy rushes him only to slash emptiness. Contractor reappears in front, and the Jedi slash nothing again. This happens three more times. When he doesn't appear again, the Jedi look around in confusion until)

Jo: Come out you coward! Come out and die like a man!

Mwahahahaha! Fools! I can't believe you haven't figured it out yet!

Squishy: Huh? Narrator!? What are you doing here?

You idiots! I WAS the Contractor this entire time! It'd only make sense to have the creator narrate his own story. And no matter how many times you try to kill me in your world, my true form will always be typing this story! I'm untouchable, mortals!

Anna: I guess he was responsible for that Death Star dude.

Will: Come on, guys. We must think; there must be some way to beat him.

Go ahead and waste your time. You'll never figure it out!

Sara: Hey wait! I just noticed something. Around his last exclamation mark.

What!? What's you talkin' about? Stop lying you liar!

Sara: There! I saw a finger tip make those exclamation marks!

What!? NO! You saw nothing! Go back to wallowing away in this wasteland!

Squishy: Now I get it! This is the end of the universe: where all the magic is made.

Wait! That's wrong! Succumb to despair and die already! Just shut up!

Squishy: Alright, master. This is going to be personal. Heheheheh...

Hey! What are you doing? Get away from there! NOO! Don't reach for it! HEY! Get off my keyboard you midget! Struggle Struggle Struggle Struggle Struggle Now you're on my hand! Get back to your world already!

Squishy: So this is the hand of God, eh? Seems pretty fleshy. I wonder what a lightsaber can do to it?

Don't you even dare you Snuggle reieddadfgapofh9pbu89 uzabbsdb

Ow! You son of a *****! You better not do ;.hhgkhgohainshbiushfbvuvbaaffhssv Ah ****!

Stop it already! No! Don't! **)HJHOtwghfhihaafkl chvofvag b


4579trw98ghweiuhsjgbsfhge****8f9uirqhgipgfjbm kswngoajkfnbfs

[Transcriber's note: ungodly mess of gibberish]

RAAAAAAAAHHH! FHIGUHNAaoinbljoighpjsgibin spg eu hsrbss eu mh a isb; J

No stop! Please! I surrender! Just stop stabbing me already! Oh God the agony! It's all real!

Squishy: Good! Now send me back. (Squishy leaps back into world of fiction)

Fine. Congratulations. You just broke the 4th wall and made a ******* bloody mess of my hand! So I'll grant you one wish.

Squishy: I feel jipped. Do I have to get back up there?

NOOOOOO! For the love of God DON'T! Fine! You can have whatever you want. What's your first command?

Squishy: Peace. No more of these Republic-threatening enemies until we're feeling up for some action.

Fine! Sheesh! What else do you need?

Squishy: Stay the freak away from the Ssi-Ruuk! If there's gonna be romance, it's not going to be because of you! Also, no more of this drama crap!

Will: Yeah!

What!? But...! Ohhhhhhhh! Fine! Back to comedy I go. Now what?

Squishy: A fitting ending to all this.

Finally: Something we can agree on! I have just the thing in mind. Hang on to your butts, cause this is going to get awesome.

(Switch to Coruscant where it's night and things are quiet. All around the place are posters announcing "The Jedi Live Heal The Galaxy" Concert. Turn to a sky arena where everyone is gathered and various ships oversee it from above including Home One and Jawa Home. On stage are the Jedi with electric guitars and Steezy at drums. When the lights shine on them they begin playing "When You Were Young" by The Killers, with Jo providing vocals as the credits roll. As the music plays, speakers across the galaxy remove all traces of the Cosplay attack. Plus, the music bring back the 13 planets destroyed in Episode ∞. After the final riff there is a huge ovation from the planet's citizens and the band gives a bow when the credits end. Meanwhile, on an asteroid on the edge of the galaxy, a tall man sees the events through a huge telescope, accompanied by a short lady)

Henry: Dang it! I can't believe they didn't invite me!

Kayla: But aren't you dead in this galaxy?

Henry: Yeah. Stupid Steven and his story-writing. I'll show them. I'll show them all!

Kayla: That's right. Self-confidence is key to anything.

Henry: (Makes commanding pose) Once my Halo 2/5 is complete, we'll see who the real creative genius really is! Mwahahahaha! (Lightning strikes)

Kayla: Right... I'm going to watch Inuyasha now.

Henry: (Grumbling) I'll kill that dog for taking my woman's attention from me.

Kayla: What was that!?

Henry: Nothing, dear! (Runs off)

The End..?