My King Can't Be This Green

Chapter 3

Hit me, I Diarmud you

Kiritsugu kept his eyes locked on the television the corner of his mouth twitching slightly as he heard his wife babying the spoiled dark Saber. He sighed feeling slightly annoyed but couldn't help but let Irisviel have her fun with her dark princess. It had been several hours since the lighter half of the King of Knights had left the house and though he normally didn't really care what she was doing a part of him couldn't help but wonder where Saber had gone.

Shaking his head he decided to not dwell on it. Across from him Irisviel stroked Saber Alter's head as she rested on her lap to which she smiled warmly. It was then she looked over to the clock and her smile evaporated into a concerned frown.

"Kiritsugu, Saber-chan has been gone for a while," she said. "Where do you think she is?"

"I don't know," her husband replied his expression portraying no sign of interest in the matter, "maybe she is with one the girls Shirou usually is with."

Iri scowled, "That isn't nice dear, and Saber is a part of the family you should show more concern for her."

"He's a cold bastard Irisviel," Saber Alter flatly remarked her faded yellow eyes gazing impassively at Kiritsugu. "To him my "sister" is nothing but a tool to him; no doubt he thinks that of me as well."

A vein began to bulge out of Kiritsugu's forehead but he didn't give in and instead turned to them.

"First of all I do care," he replied, "but Iri, you and I both know Saber isn't some helpless child she is more than capable of dealing with any threat."

Irisviel gave a slight nod, "I know but Kiritsugu usually she isn't out this late, do you think she got involved with a fight with one of the other servants?"

Kiritsugu chuckled lightly giving a small smile, "I doubt that, but then again given how we were brought back to life maybe one of the servants from the previous war came back as well."

"I hope not," his wife frowned resting her hand on Saber Alter's head, "that Caster from back then was a monster."

"He was a broken fool," Saber Alter interrupted as she sat up, "The only threat he posed was being overly obsessed with that Joan woman he kept spouting about."

Irisviel sweat dropped, "That is true…"

Kiritsugu sighed, "His master was nothing short of scum, the fact I put a bullet in his head was a blessing."

"I will agree with that," Saber Alter frowned, "but since we are talking about past foes, there is one my other would gladly see come back."

Kiritsugu arched an eyebrow but immediately he knew who it was that came to mind to which he snorted feeling it was fitting.

"You mean Lancer?" he smiled slightly, "Yes, I remember Saber wanted to fight him honorably but didn't get the chance to."

"Well you did force his master to order Lancer to kill himself," Iri scowled, "and you even killed his master despite giving your word."

Kiritsugu gave a shameful frown for he remembered how he did promise to not kill Kayneth and it was true he didn't kill him, not specifically. Looking back on it the magus killer felt a slight pain of guilt and wondered if the person he was then was really him. But that is war for you, he mused at least he tried to atone for his acts. Returning to the matter at hand he gazed up at the clock and now wondered with real feeling where was Saber?

Meanwhile, little did Kiritsugu and Irisviel know that Altria was sitting on the wall of the compound with a mischievous look on her face? So, they were wondering where she was huh? A snort came from her as she gave her former master some credit in his guess. Of all the warriors she had faced none were as skilled or as handsome as Diarmud. It was sad that things were left unsettled thanks to her Former Master's underhanded methods which only served to anger Altria a bit.

"A fight that should have been awesome but was interrupted by you." She growled her eyes literally turning into daggers while she gazed at her former master.

Flexing her wrists she let a jet of steam spew from her ears until it seemed like she was about to explode. She was looking forward to showing Irisviel the new look and giving that spoiled glutton she called her other half a little lesson in humility. But now the green faced knight gave an evil smile. Perhaps it was time Lancer and his Master Kayneth of 4th Holy Grail War did make a comeback. With a wicked smile she hopped down from the wall and reached into her pocket and pulled out small package.

"Instant Melloi," was labeled on the front and upon unwrapping it, she took out human shaped balloon popped open the nozzle. Sucking in a deep breath she blew into it causing her eyes to almost pop out of her head. With a loud pop a copy of Kayneth stood before her sitting idly as its blue eyes stared impassively into space.

Two devilish horns and a tail sprouted out of Altria as she giggled and looked to the audience.

"And now for the final touch ladies and gentlemen," she smiled revealing needle sharp teeth. "Observe!"

Grabbing her face she smooshed it and moved it around until her features became sharper and she did up her hair which changed to a deep black and became curly. When she was finished in place of Altria's face was a spitting image of Lancer Zero's face. Taking out a mirror she flashed a smile at the reflection causing it to swoon.

"And now…oops," Altria closed her mouth and cleared her throat which instantly became deeper, "I mean, and now to put on the finishing touches."

Grabbing her armor she pulled on it which came off like a blanket and underneath was the matching body of Zero Lancer, complete with the greenish grey body suit and twin lances. With that done, she then ran a hand over the altered face changing the bright green to a normal skin color.

"Now shall we pay those dishonorable dogs a lesson, Master?" Altria, now with the voice of Zero Lancer, glanced to the idle Kayneth who nodded in response.

With a dark smile the two then approached the house ready to give the unsuspecting trio a visit they wouldn't soon forget. Inside, Kiritsugu was about to flip through the channels to find something to watch when he froze and he glanced toward the yard. A low chime from the bell attached to the barrier soon followed afterword and immediately he was on his feet and went down the hallway and grabbed his gun.

"Kiritsugu, someone has?" Iri asked as he walked by her only to shoot her an uneasy glance.

"Yeah, but the question is who." he replied, "Anyhow I'm not about to let an intruder waltz about my property."

"They are bold indeed," Saber Alter added her slim form now encompassed by her dark armor. "But surely we should give our uninvited guests a proper welcome."

Agreeing with her Kiritsugu alongside his wife and Saber Alter headed out to the back patio and peered out into the yard. He scanned the empty lot, whit his eyes straining for any indication they were being attacked. Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spied something coming at them. In that instant, Saber Alter intercepted and swung her blade which made a loud clang as the blackened holy sword made contact with something silvery and wet. She growled and swatted away the object which resembled a ball of liquid metal which ungelated and slithered around like a snake.

"A mystic code?" he muttered when his eyes widened in recognizing the ball of liquid metal. "No, that's…."

"It's been a long time, Magus Killer," A deep oily voice rich with narcissism came from behind the object.

Kiritsugu's eyes widened when a man stepped out of the shadows with short blonde hair and icy blue eyes. He was dressed in a blue silk overcoat and wore white gloves all of which were made from the finest materials. Irisviel's stared in horror at the ghost from their past for the man before them was Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald, one of his old enemies of 4th Holy Grail War and one of more dangerous.

"You!" cried Kiritsugu,

"Oh, has the master of Saber forgotten my name after all these years?" Kayneth flashed a cruel smile, "I would have thought that you would recognize the face of the man you murdered, Emiya Kiritsugu!"

Irisviel blinked, "How is this possible were you resurrected by Taiga-chan's grail as well?"

Kayneth turned to her with a cool smile, "Ah, the lady of Einzbern. So you are here as well and Saber…"

His face darkened upon seeing Saber Alter his eyes betraying the contempt in his eyes, "I see she has changed since last I saw her."

"And you remain as arrogant as ever," Saber Alter growled, "I thought the bullet my master and blade of my sword had put in your skull would have made you learn."

Kayneth scoffed at her and returned his gaze to Kiritsugu who held up his gun and was about to shoot him.

"Why are you here?" Kiritsugu asked him.

"Oh, nothing much just revenge." Kayneth sneered, "You killed me and my fiancé Sola-Ui. Do you honestly think I would forgive that?!"

"What was done back then is done," Kiritsugu replied, "but if you desire to die again then I'll be happy to send you back."

"You think so do you?" Smiled the former head of the El-Melloi's, "Haven't you forgotten something?"

It was at that instant Saber Alter went to slice him in two when someone appeared from behind Kayneth and parried her attack. It was then the corrupted King of Knight's normally emotionless face turned to shock as she stared into the amber eyes of Zero Lancer.

"Lancer!" she cried.

"It's been a while Saber," Lancer said to her, "I been looking forward to facing you once more."

"How is this possible?" Irisviel cried, "Both Kayneth and Lancer?"

Kayneth smiled, "Your eyes don't deceive you Miss Einzbern, we both have returned from the afterlife to visit our vengeance upon you all."

"Irisviel has nothing to do with what happened to the both of you," Saber replied, "but I'm rather surprised at you Lancer, I did not think a knight like you would give into vengeance."

"Betrayal changes you," he growled, "and I see you have changed as well Saber. I see you have thrown away your pride as a knight in favor of being a spoiled princess."

"My views on being a hero have changed," she replied, "but do not think you can insult me and not meet the consequences Lancer."

The air became laced with tension as all five people looked about ready to go at it. Lancer glanced to Kayneth who nodded.

"Hold it," Irisviel cried, "why do we have to fight? Kayneth, surely you and Lancer know that the servants of the 5th Heaven's Feel are now living in peace alongside the masters."

"Peace?" Kayneth curled his lip, "I am not interested in the false drivel those fools allow themselves to be content with. I came here for vengeance and I will have it! But enough talk, Lancer kill it! I want her head!"

"Yes, Master," Lancer nodded,

"At last the moment I have waited for will finally come to pass," he hissed, "the revenge shall be mine!"

Kiritsugu grunted and looked to Saber Alter who immediately took a ready stance and launched herself off the patio alongside Lancer. They collided in midair the clanging of steel vibrating through the air as they landed and began coming at each other. While on the patio Kiritsugu, was about to fire his contender and Irisviel swept back her hair as long glow blue strands of hair turned into an eagle that sat on her arm as her alchemy activated.

"You shouldn't have picked a fight Kayneth," Kiritsugu gruffed, "if you desire vengeance so badly you can savor it in hell."

To the Magus killer's surprise his old foe smirked, "On the contrary I plan on savoring it now, Volumen Hydragyrum, Scalp!"

At his command the ball of liquid metal shot out long ribbons of whip-like metal which sailed toward the pair. Kiritsugu was about to fire his gun when he suddenly felt a burning pain race throughout his body. Grunting he tried again to fire but was unable to fire as the pain intensified.

"Kiritsugu!" Irisiviel cried, and leaped in front of the oncoming attack and created a large shield and watch as the whip-like tentacles of metal struck it scrapping the ethereal surface. Kayneth snorted and motioned again to which another onslaught followed. But this time, Kiritsugu was moving and he grabbed Irisviel and concentrated.

"Time Alter: Double Accel!"

Upon his command the world slowed down and in that instant both Kiritsugu and his wife were off the patio as the liquid metal struck where they had stood. A searing pain raced up his legs as Kiritsugu felt like his leg had been snapped in two. Seeing they had escaped, Kayneth scowled his face becoming covered with bulging veins as he glared at them.

"Such clever little rats." he snarled, "You dodged my attack, but let us see you try and escape now!"

Kiritsugu coughed, "Damn, I forgot how much that hurts,"

"Kiritsugu, are you alright?" Iri asked.

"Yeah, I'm alright," he rasped, "but it looks like I can't hurt him."

"But why?"

"Ah, you haven't told her about that arrangement we made that night did you Kiritsugu?" Kayneth cackled, "The contract you and I made where you swore you would never harm me in exchange I would force my servant to kill himself in Holy Grail War."

"A contract?" Irisviel gasped, "Geis…"

"That's right. Your husband using the promised he would not harm me and should he try to he would suffer," The master of lancer replied. "Which is still binding even after all these years, and I must say it is refreshing to see such agony."

Kiritsugu gritted his teeth and cursed himself for making the pact wishing he had just killed Kayneth out right instead of bargaining with him. He thought for sure it was over when Irisviel stood in front of him keeping her back turned and glared at him.

"Kiritsugu may not be able to fight you," she stated, "but I can!"

Kayneth stared at her for a moment before he gave a cold smile, "Then show what you can do, master of Einzbern."

Upon saying that Irisviel held up her hand as several birds made of blue light looking like wire frames appeared around her. Her ruby red eyes narrowed and before Kayneth could order his mystic code to attack one of Irisviel's mystic codes shot toward him. He gasped and held up his hand as the Hydrargyrum formed a protective wall around him. A loud bang followed as the birds struck the slick surface with a loud bang but couldn't breach it.

Irisviel scowled and in that instant the other birds quickly turned into a group of blades. She then sent them flying toward the wall of liquid steel. A loud rumble followed as the mystic code repelled each blow. While inside Kayneth waited biding him time to counter attack and when the noise stopped he lowered the metallic shield.

Only to stare at Irisviel who was holding Kiritsugu's contender all the while glaring at him. He cried out as the gun went off and the bullet struck him. Kiritsugu having told her of the tactic he had in mind for her. An almost exact copy of how I fought him the first time he thought savoring the shocked look on his old enemy's face. His smile soon faded when he heard a loud pop and Kayneth suddenly blew into pieces like a balloon.

Irisviel and Kiritsugu glanced at each other to which his wife sheepishly asked, "Uh, Kiritsugu is your gun supposed to do that?"

He could only blink did he really just see Kayneth just explode like a balloon full of hot air? While he stood confused Saber Alter and Lancer Zero were going at it the two heroic spirits struck with hammering blows tearing bits of ground and rock as the black knight's sword met the lances of Lancer Zero.

They ducked, weaved and slashed in wide arcs almost striking each other, but despite his skill Saber Alter easily swatted him aside neither flinching nor moving from place as she repelled his attacks.

"Impressive Saber," Lancer smiled, "you're a lot more powerful than the last time we fought. And here I thought the times you sucked up to Irisviel made you soft."

"And I see you've gained a sharp tongue Lancer," Saber Alter replied a black aura appearing over her. "I will have to rip it out."

"So much anger," Lancer frowned, "Truly you have lost all sense of pride Saber for you to let yourself be consumed by rage."

"Like you could understand what it means to be a hero," she replied, "The anger and hatred of others to have it weigh down on your shoulders and become the focus of such hate that is a hero's true destiny."

Lancer curled his lip in anger, "It is not!"

"My, my, now who is flying into a rage," Saber Alter gave a dark smile, "Come then Diarmuid, let me wake you from your dream."

At that, Zero Lancer lunged in and swiped at her the magic spears generating sparks as Saber Alter parried the attack and let loose a burst of blackened prana which slammed toward him. He hissed and swatted the attack away to which Gae Buidhe began to crack. Noticing this, Saber's eyes narrowed and she lunged at him and swung her blade down snapping the weapon in two.

"My spear," Lancer growled.

Saber Alter then lowered her weapon and glared at him, "I think you can stop acting now."

Lancer blinked, "What do you mean?"

"I remember fighting the Lancer in the previous war, and no matter how many times our weapons clashed, never once did my blade break his spear."

"That is…"

Saber Alter frowned, "Then show me what you can really do, Lancer."

Zero Lancer smile, "Alright, how about this then?"

Twirling the remaining lance, the mystic weapon soon began to change until it resembled the Gae Bolg.

Saber Alter frowned, "Gae Bolg…how did you acquire that spear?"

Zero Lancer smiled, "I borrowed it,"

Shaking her head it was time for her to end this farce of a fight so with a tight grip she brought the blackened Holy Sword up which erupted into a massive black flame. Zero Lancer smiled and in that same moment brought the spear up which glowed a bright red. Giving him a puzzled look, Saber Alter wondered what Lancer was doing.

"Excalibur!" roared the fallen King of Knights and with a mighty swing she unleashed the corrupted holy sword which headed toward him. Lancer though, held his ground and thrust the spear which didn't belong to him.

"Gae-Calibur!"

Upon saying the name of the made up Noble Phantasm, the spear let loose a red beam which swerved and zig zagged around the beam of black light and struck Saber Alter in the chest. A loud gasp came from her as she fell back and the beam shot past Lancer and took off part of the roof of someone's house.

Grunting she rose to her feet and glared at Zero Lancer wondering what kind of attack he had used. There was no way he possessed some ludicrous ability that mimicked both Excalibur and the other Lancer's Noble Phantasm. Confused she glared at him when she noticed something off about his face. A small green patch pocked through and it almost looked like the flawless face of the warrior was rubbery.

"Did you like that little attack?" Lancer smiled, "I like to call it the Gae-Calibur, the flying spear sword of…"

Before he could finish, Saber Alter was in front of him and swung upward slicing his face. Silence followed as Lancer's face fell to the ground and when Saber Alter glanced up at her opponent she was greeted by the green face of Altria.

Saber Alter narrowed her eyes and murmured, "S-Saber?"

Altria nervously smiled and walk with his normal voice now, "Whoops looks like my costume is ruined."

Tearing off the rest of Lancer Zero's outfit revealing Altria's white lily armor to which her dark half gave a baffled look.

"Oh well, I was getting tired of pretending to be him." she muttered, "What's wrong other me, surprised by what you see?"

At the same moment both Kiritsugu and Irisviel who had been watching the fight till now stared in complete shock upon seeing Altria reveal herself. The masked knight gave them a wink to which Saber Alter removed her armor returning to her gothic Lolita dress.

"Saber…what happened to your face?" she asked. "How were you able to impersonate Lancer?"

"Ah, good questions too bad I won't answer them," Altria replied, "because frankly I don't like you."

"Saber-chan…" Irisviel said in awe, "What happened to you?"

"I got a makeover, but can't talk right now," she replied, "I've got to show my spoiled other half the consequences of acting like a little brat."

Saber Alter narrowed her eyes, "Spoiled?"

"Oh you can listen, good for you," Altria replied cracking her knuckles, "You know, lately I've been wanting to put you in your place and guess what now is as good a time as any."

"Saber, what are you?" Kiritsugu was about to ask when the green knight's arm stretched over and smacked a stamp over his mouth.

"That's better."

Saber Alter quirked an eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest, "So, you desire pay back is it?"

"Bingo and it goes a lot like this!"

Before she could say anything Altria vanished in a flash only to appear behind Saber Alter and grabbed her skirt and pulled it over her head and tied the top. Saber Alter cried out and squirmed but couldn't break free. But it was just the beginning for in the same movement, Altria pulled open her underwear and dumped a bucket filled with fire ants into her panties. It was almost immediate; Saber Alter began yelping and ran around the yard letting out muffled screams.

Kiritsugu who was trying to remove the stamp could only stare at his former servant while Irisviel looked like she was about to faint. Altria laughed as she watched Saber Alter run around the yard wishing to savor the moment which she did by getting on camera. Once that was done, Altria decided it was time to move on and was about to leave when Irisviel approached her.

"Saber-chan, what's going on, and why did you do those things to Alter-chan and Kiritsugu?"

Altria smirked, "Because they had it coming, but don't worries the stamp will come off… in a couple of hours that is. But right now I've got to fly."

"Where are you going?"

"Oh I'm just making a few rounds and I do believe I have an invitation to a certain castle."

With that she zoomed off leaving a trail of dust with a stunned Irisviel staring in complete confusion. But then she came back and planted a big wet kiss on Irisviel's lips which ended with a loud pop resulting in Iri's face turning a bright red as steam came out of her ears and she fell to her knees. Giving a wink, Altria then went on her way zooming down the street ready to give a certain little girl a little visit and it would be one a conqueror would revel in.

Chapter 3 - End