Now, for those of you who don't know who I am, I just want to say one thing.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM? HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK OR SOMETHING? BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN THINK OF THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF ME, THE GREAT MAX, WHO SCORED FIFTH PLACE ON TOTAL DRAMA PAHKITEW ISLAND! GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW TO SEE HOW UTTERLY DIABOLICALLY EVIL I AM, AND THEN COME BACK AND SEE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY YOU USELESS MORONS!

But for those of you who do know who I am, welcome! You must have undoubtedly heard of my magnificent power and stunning good looks, and seeing the title of "What Would Max Do?" must have let you know that this was indeed a book of undeniable importance. "But what is this?" you might ask. "Why should I care? What's in it for me?"

Well, allow me to explain. I live a happy and evil life, but it seems as others seem to be preoccupied with some of the less important things in life, including makeup, sports, reading, video games, zombies, zombie video games, high school, careers, depression, AIDS, ALS, whatever-the-hell-the-Koreans-are-doing, suicide, nuclear warfare, the economic collapse, and acne.

The reason I'M here is to show you the key to defeating all the social and physical problems you may be having in your life in a full-proof manual that you can print out and carry around with you. This advice is indisputably RIGHT. And if you find that this advice does NOT help you, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. NONE OF IT IS MY FAULT. IT IS ALL ON YOUR END, STINKY.

And if by SOME inconceivable prospect you should manage to defeat my arguments, my sidekick, I mean, partner Scarlett will be providing what SHE would do in the same situation (hint, my opinion is better). SO IF BOTH OF OUR VIEWPOINTS YOU SAY ARE "WRONG," THEN WE GET TO "WRONG" YOUR FACE OFF.

Max, that didn't make any sense.

Shut up, you! Okay, now that we've been introduced to my devilishly handsome self, let us begin with our first topic of choice so that you can RULE YOUR SOCIAL WORLD! BWA HA HA!

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...

...you know what, it's not as much fun to type it as opposed to saying it out loud.

Perhaps that would have to do with the fact that your fingers are too stubby and large for the keys? Just a thought.

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...let's just start, shall we?


Chapter 1: Parties!

Now, for a social master such as myself, parties are a cinch to attend. Everyone there loves me! But for all of you socially awkward freaks who can never look anyone else in the eye, here's what I have to offer you.

You're a freak of nature that should never ever ever be seen near me ever again. Get a life, hippy!

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Anyway, there is a simple and foolproof way to get into a party that you're not invited to (I'm assuming you asocial beasts are never invited to these parties. I am invited. I'm so popular I ran for Class President and got second place! AND IT WASN'T JUST BECAUSE THERE WERE ONLY TWO CANDIDATES!).

Step 1: Knock on their door and demand that they give you access to this party or else you'll disintegrate them with the evil contraption that you brought along.

Step 2: They will be rendered speechless by your overtures, and they will fall on the ground laughing in pain, and will grant you access. Obviously your presence was so terrifying that they were sent into hysterics! Mwa ha ha!

Step 3: Announce yourself the ruler of the party, and attempt to unseat the host from his lofty throne. Remember, YOU'RE in control, no matter what they say.

Now, Step 3 has never worked for me in anything but theory, but I'm sure it's possible. Now, moving on to what you actually do when you're INSIDE the party. Now, evil overlord as you are, you are charming and intelligent, and capable of making people laugh. I'm so intelligent and charming, people at parties laugh at everything I say! I even performed standup comedy once!

Making people laugh just by being yourself is incredibly easy if you're a villain of my caliber, so if it isn't working then YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

Now, once you have the whole room in your comedic clutches, be sure to indulge a little in food and drink, but not enough to dull your senses. You need to be alert at all times in case someone tries to ambush you, and the hangover in the morning SUCKS!

Be sure to talk to people about shared interests, and don't be discouraged if they don't share the same world-conquering ambition you possess. I was friends with Scarlett before I knew she had the same goal! But if possible try to open their minds to the possibility of having them as a minion or a business partner. It pays to have connections in the long run.

Be sure not to wear out your welcome, as too much EVIL in one dosage can overwhelm some people. That being said, learn the contact information of the friends you've made so that you can call upon them sometime in the future.

Always be back by your bedtime if you still live with your parents. A good night's rest is important for the amount of evil you can produce the next day.

Well, that's all the advice I have to offer, now let's turn it over to the lesser opinion-giver, Scarlett.


For those of you who do not know me, my name is Scarlett from Total Drama: Pahkitew Island. I placed sixth and was only eliminated for the reason of attempting to kill all of the remaining contestants. There was no vote involved. Sadly, I am stuck with this imbecile as the only person who will talk to me, so I might as well provide an alternative way of putting yourself out there.

Parties I generally find to be a waste of time if there is no alcohol involved. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's begin with how you enter.

Obtain actual permission to enter the party. Don't do what Max said. If they choose not to let you in, bring a six-pack of beer and their minuscule minds should be changed in a nanosecond. Be amicable and polite to all those in attendance.

If you are of the female persuasion and find yourself being hit on by an unwarranted follower, do not call for help. People experience what is known as "bystander syndrome." Often, crimes are committed in the presence of witnesses, but said witnesses view it as "not their problem." Do not rely on anyone else's help.

Instead, pretend you're interested in the creep and lure him outside to the nearest alleyway for a supposed makeout session. Instead, stab him to death with your knife that you keep concealed on your persona, and feel free to do whatever you choose with the body. Be sure to act convincingly for the others, playing the victim will divert attention from the fact that you were the killer.

That being said, you can easily pay off the cops if you ARE caught.

If there is no incident involving an undesirable attempting to hit on you, then simply walk around and soak in your surroundings.

Now, you might find that parties get a little boring after a while. There are a few ways to keep things interesting for yourself.

Talk to some people, get to know them, and challenge them to a drinking competition. With luck, they're probably already drunk enough that they won't notice that you're not drinking yours at all. Keep going and press them to keep drinking, and then once they've reached their limit offer to escort them to their car and put them in the driver's seat.

If the next day shows a report of a drunk driver veering off a cliff and drowning, mission accomplished.

Sadly, that is all the advice I can give on this particular topic. If you choose to kill someone in one of the ways listed, try not to get caught. Take the necessary precautions beforehand. I don't particularly want you to appear on my TV screen in court and having you say "Scarlett from Total Drama told me how to do it."

Then I would have to make a personal visit.

And I assure you, you don't want that.


And so goes the first entry in the manual! Pst, remember, mine is the better one! We will be updating this to show you exactly how to rule your own life, and then, eventually, THE WORLD!

Until next time, doofuses.