Now I know that you all are likely very pissy at me right now but I assure you that it was not my intention to go this long without an update to my undeniably fantastic story. However, the end of my school year has fast approached and much to my frustration, you have to actually do well in school to become an evil overlord in the end! You can't be a country bumpkin and an evil overlord at the same time. No one would take your accent seriously!
So due to my problems with school, I have decided to make today's chapter about studying. Regretfully. At any rate it shouldn't give Scarlett any room to talk about killing people and stuff. She loves this kind of thing. I swear she shows more affection to her AP Calculus textbook than to her parents!
If you had to deal with my parents you'd understand why.
I've never met your parents, and never plan to.
So how do you know I show more affection to my textbook than to my parents?
Because I know you.
Anyway, this is mainly geared towards people going into finals. If you're done with finals already, very well, I don't care. Just go enjoy your freedom for once. Your bonds are broken! Be free! Oh, and as for Australians? I'm sorry to break it to you but nobody cares about you. Deal with it. That means you, Jasmine.
Chapter 8: Tests!
Now, if you are someone with a proven IQ of 3,000, such as myself, testing should be a cinch! I mean, I AM incredibly intelligent. My strategy is FOOLPROOF. Yet, alas, the school system doesn't see it that way. I swear, they don't know how to encourage creativity. All they want to do is turn people into drones! Which...would be DELIGHTFUL if I weren't being molded into one of those drones! I have AMBITION!
My strategy had been to feign illness on the day of testing, then sneak in and snap photos of the test when no one was looking! I brought Freckles as my guard dog, who would alert me if someone was coming. In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best idea. He ended up falling asleep at the intercom somehow. Don't ask me why or how, I have no idea. All I know is that his grunts and snores were transmitted throughout the entire school during testing hours. My scheme was foiled and I was suspended! The only reason I wasn't expelled was because the principal Mrs. Iggy lived across the street from me since I was five and really liked me.
I didn't understand! I thought that school encouraged initiative and ingenuity! Isn't stealing and lying about it basically the politican's manifesto? What if I want to become a politician, Mrs. Brewer? You're telling me that learning how to lie and steal isn't in their handbook?
Well, after that I was kept a closer eye on. I had to actually...study. I do not recommend it. Not least because I don't "do" standardized tests and retaining information. I have a very selective memory. I keep only the things that I deem important to my pursued career! Who CARES about the Battle of Waterloo or what 2X+16 equals? It won't matter! All that matters is military tactics, how to give effective speeches, and how to crush your enemies without hesitation!
But...in terms of actually studying. I try to associate certain words and phrases with EVIL counterparts. The French Revolution can be remembered by Alice in Wonderland. "Off with their heads" and all. The "X" you need to find is a hidden MacGuffin which will allow you to CONQUER THE WORLD!
Upon recollection, some of these don't make a great deal of sense. But they work for me, so you might as well see if they can work for you.
Let's turn this over to Scarlett now. Hopefully it won't be too terrible this time. I swear, the only reason I haven't called the cops on you is because you'd kill them all anyway.
I must clarify on my parents. I would assume that you all deem me somewhat tragic, no? Not particularly. My parents were more oblivious to most things than malicious. Only an utter moron would dismiss my brother's repeated claims of his toys attacking him at night for six years with a constant "you're imagining things." Hell, they never even bothered to set up a camera, just in case.
Anyway, back on topic. I'm not sure if you noticed, but I rarely have any need to study. Mainly because I retain information very easily. I worked through my first stoichiometry problem in the fourth grade. I was constantly reading, constantly learning. So now? I know everything there is to know about a wide variety of topics, from Paleolithic Era to Calculus to medieval torture methods.
I have considered the possibility that my indisputably psychotic tendencies arose out of sheer boredom.
But as for you non-genii out there, I recommend several methods.
Firstly, do not cheat. If you cheat, you garner a reputation and could end up with expulsion. How Max managed to avoid being punted out the door of his school is a mystery for the ages. If you cheat in school, you will NEVER get the chance to cheat in the real world (which is where cheating actually makes a difference anyway).
Do not distract yourself from studying. Keep only one tab open at all times if at all possible. Write things out. Don't just glance over things on your computer screen. You won't retain it. Take notes, write everything out, create flashcards, etc. Go all out. You still won't be able to reach my level of intellect but it couldn't hurt to try...*snort*
If you attempt all of this and still do not feel confident in yourself, I have a more sadistic path you could take. While breaking into school and cheating IS an option, it would be much easier to threaten a smarter person into giving you their answers. Preferably ambush them in their house with some fake blood on your hands, to scare the shit out of them. Or you could use real blood on your hands. I'm not particularly picky on that front.
Scarlett, couldn't they have just gone to the other person for help?
They are going to the other person for help! Just with a knife in their hands.
But...wouldn't it be easier just to ask for help?
Who WANTS to ask for help? The idea of receiving "help" is ridiculous. No one ever works that way in the real world. If you ask for anything, the answer you'll receive is something that fits THEIR interests, not yours. The idea of "compassion"? It's all bullshit. Everyone's only in it for themselves. You have to come out on top by any means necessary, or you're DEAD.
...I'm beginning to think that this is the reason why you don't have many friends.
LET ME FINISH, SHITSTAIN!
Ahem. As I was saying.
What I'm basically saying is that you can't count on anyone to help you succeed in life. If they are foolish enough to help you out, string them along until you no longer have a use for them. Suckers have no place in this world.
Work hard. Study. Don't get distracted. And ruthlessly claw your way to the top.
Yes, yes, very nice. Actually, we both somewhat agreed. Scarlett? I may consider myself evil and all, but...I think you have an incredibly cynical view on how the human mind works.
Oh, is this...COMPASSION I see? Not very EVIL of you...
Uh, I mean...uh...well shit. Well. I can't agree with you because I DON'T agree with you. But if I disagree with you that means I'm...not evil? I'm confused.
Oh well. I don't have time to think about this too hard. I'll see all of you some other time! Hopefully sooner rather than later!