If I Had Known

There was no warning. No sixth sense of turn back. No friend tapping my shoulder. No parent or teacher telling me no. There was only the feeling I could go on if I wished.

When I woke up, I wasn't home in my bed. There were no white walls of the local hospital or the familiar city streets. There was only the sight of a destroyed street and a toddler.

The toddler held out his hand and I took it not knowing what I would see.

Years have passed and I am still not sure if the world I am in is real. The people are different, the language is strange, and the danger unbelievable. I came here thinking it was a dream created by a coma now I think it is a nightmare.

I awoke in this place with my rough knowledge of what was supposed to happen. I knew who was going to live, when someone was going to die. I knew which fights they would win and which they would lose. I had all this knowledge to use. If I chose I could knock the plot onto a different path. The problem? The plot was already trying to jump ship.

With barely any time to think and new powers at my fingertips, I had to make a choice. Would I keep the plot going the way I knew and have a virtually guaranteed happy ending? Or would I float and pray it would follow all the fan fictions I had ever read and end up at the same place with basically no dialogue changes? The choice seemed obvious at the start and I jumped into the role as the driver of destiny, mistakenly thinking it was my destiny for as long as the coma would last. Now I'm not even sure this is a coma or that I was right to force the plot along its course.

All along the plot would try to run from its destined—no, my determined course. Keiko almost didn't make it to Yusuke's bedside so I stepped in and told her his house was burning down. The order for the fights at Genkai's tournament was different so I 'helped' the odds. Yukina almost didn't stop Hiei from killing Tarukane so I did.

It was almost as if the anime and manga had it all wrong. At every major turn something would push the plot down towards an unknown future with unknown causalities. At every conflict, I did my best to turn it back to its course. The only way to do this was to join the gang and keep silent about my manipulations.

Now as this latest train wreck appears on the horizon, I lack my earlier conviction and my doubts assault me.

Was I right to sacrifice Genkai so she and Toguro could (hopefully) work out their problems during their brief interaction in Spirit World? Was I right to risk Kuwabara's life during Yusuke's fight with Toguro? Was I right to kill Akarenjya from the Gorenja Team after Elder Toguro spared him just to make sure he wouldn't be Team Toguro's alternate? Was I right to give Elder Toguro some of my energy when his younger brother kicked him out of the tournament so that he would not die?

Was I right to drag Yusuke away from Botan every time I noticed them trading looks? Was I right to drag Keiko to the tournament in the first place? Was I right to tell Botan that Keiko and Yusuke had an arrangement? Was I right to tell Botan that Yusuke had cheated on Keiko before? Was I right to tell Koenma that Botan was interested in him? Was I right to push Kurama away from Keiko?

Was I right to embark on the Chapter Black saga when I only remembered pieces of it? Was I right to lead Gourmet right to Murota? Was I right to risk Keiko and Shizuru in the hospital by leaving them on their own to make sure that Yusuke would temporarily kill the doctor? Was I right to force Kido to find the doctor and then abandon him while the doctor slit his wrist? Was I right to stand on the sidelines during the first battle with Sniper and Sensui even though I could have stalled one of them long enough for the boys to catch them? Was I right to watch as Kuwabara was kidnapped even though I had a clear shot at the tires? Was I right to tell Botan to go to Spirit World and leave the fighting to the us even though she was a healer and could have saved Yusuke? Was I right to let Yusuke die a second time? Was I right to take over his body when Raizen didn't?

Was I right to trick Yusuke into seeking his ancestor and then killing Razien when it looked like things were going to last more than three years? Was I right to suggest the idea of a tournament to Yusuke when he was planning on going to war and dying so he could escape his proposal to Keiko? Was I right to force him to propose to Keiko? Was I right to throw away his letter to Botan that I promised to deliver? Was I right to throw away her letter to Yusuke and replace it with my own? Was I right to trick Keiko into waiting for Yusuke one last time? Was I right to tell Keiko about Kurama's past that was probably more fan fiction than fact?

Was I right to play with their hearts, minds, and souls? Was I right to pretend to be their friend? Was I right to pretend I didn't care about their feelings? And what do I do now that the plot has jumped the rails completely?

"Winner of the Demon World Tournament: Yusuke Urameshi!"

Had I known what I know now, I would have spat on the toddlers' hand rather than taken it.

A/N: Visiting a new place isn't all sparkles and rainbows. I got tired of the normal "I got sucked into YYH" stories and figured it was time for a darker a bit more realistic (at least in my case) look at how someone may react upon finding themselves in Yu Yu Hakusho with their knowledge of the anime or manga. Please keep in mind this story is COMPLETE! There is no more. If you want more, write it and let me know so I can read it.

Disclaimer: Heaven forbid I own Yu Yu Hakusho.