content notes: miscarriage, angst, hurt/comfort, breakdown
Dean lays in the hospital bed, curled in on himself, arms around his belly. His flat, empty belly. He stares at wall blankly, eyes burning, but there are no tears.
He rubs his palms over his stomach, heart aching. He doesn't know what he's supposed to say to Roman and Seth. He's ruined everything in his life and now he's ruined something so precious in theirs; he knows that they'll never forgive him for this.
He hears the door open slowly and knows it's them. He closes his eyes, not wanting to face them just yet. Someone's hand strokes his cheek.
"Dean?" Seth's lips brush his temple.
Dean blinks up at him. "I'm sorry."
"Baby, are you okay?" Roman asks, running his fingers through Dean's hair.
"What's going on? Is it the baby?" Seth asks, reaching out to rub Dean's belly.
Dean whimpers and curls in on himself even tighter, pulling away from Seth.
"Dean, you're scaring us. What happened?" Roman pleads, squeezing the back of Dean's neck gently.
Dean's breathing increases until he's panting, sucking in air desperately. Roman starts rubbing Dean's back, trying to get him to calm down. Seth's hand lands on Dean's stomach. His flat stomach.
"Dean, oh god." Seth whispers, falling to his knees beside Dean's bed.
"I-I lost the baby." Dean chokes out.
"What?" Roman asks behind him.
"Please don't make me say it again." Dean closes his eyes, unable to look at Seth's devastated expression any more.
"Are you okay? What happened? Dean, please talk to us." Roman says frantically.
"I don't know. I fucked up. I lost our baby. I'm so sorry." Dean gasps out, hands clutching at the blankets.
"Hey, shhhh. Dean, baby. Shhh." Roman says, swallowing against the onslaught of tears that threatens to spill.
Seth's hand is still resting on Dean's stomach. His other hand reaches up and cups Dean's face, thumb stroking along Dean's cheekbone.
"I ruin everything and now I've ruined someone so precious. I'm sorry." Dean murmurs.
"Hey, it's not your fault." Roman says, kissing the top of Dean's head, trying to hold it together for Dean's sake.
Seth's staring at Dean, silent and heartbroken. He doesn't know what to say. His child is gone before they ever really had a chance. He pulls his hand away from Dean's stomach.
"I need some air." Seth pushes himself to his feet, turning away from Dean.
Dean's hand shoots out and seizes Seth's wrist. "Please. I'm sorry."
Seth doesn't look at Dean as he twists his arm free.
"Seth, where are you going?" Roman asks, looking up as Seth heads towards the door.
"I need to clear my head." Seth mumbles, opening the door and walking out.
"It's my fault." Dean whispers, staring at the wall again.
"No, it's not. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything to cause this." Roman says firmly, wiping away the tears in his eyes.
"I don't blame you if you hate me." Dean says softly, hunching in on himself.
Roman turns Dean over to face him, cupping his cheeks in his hands. "I could never hate you. What happened was an accident. Not your fault, okay?"
"I ruin everything! I killed our baby! It's my fault!" Dean screams, jerking back away from Roman. He nearly sends himself over the edge of the bed, but manages to catch himself in time. His heart rate monitor picks up, beeping faster now.
"Dean, baby, please calm down." Roman says, laying a steadying hand on Dean's hip, careful to avoid his stomach.
"Seth blames me." Dean says after a moment of quiet.
"What? No, he doesn't." Roman says, frowning in confusion.
"He blames me. I can see it in his eyes." Dean says flatly.
"No one blames you, Dean." Roman tries to assure Dean.
"It's my fault." Dean mumbles, hands resting on his belly again.
"No, Dean." Roman sighs.
Dean falls silent and so does Roman, sitting in the armchair beside Dean's bed. Dean closes his eyes and slows his breathing down deliberately, hoping that they'll think he's sleeping now. He hears the door open carefully, Seth's boots loud on the floor.
"Is he asleep?" Seth whispers to Roman.
"Yeah. He's been out for the last fifteen minutes." Roman says quietly.
"I'm sorry. I just couldn't handle my shit there for a bit." Seth comes over and drops down onto the other chair beside Roman.
"I know, but it's not me you should be apologizing or explaining things to. Dean thinks you blame him and that you think it's his fault." Roman gestures to Dean's still form on the bed.
"I don't. I just…that was my kid, Roman." Seth whispers, voice strained.
"It was mine too, Seth. And Dean's. Can you even imagine what he's going through? He was the one that was pregnant." Roman says quietly, anger seeping into his voice.
"I'm sorry. I'll talk to him when he wakes up. Make sure he knows it's not his fault." Seth sighs, scrubbing his face with his hands.
"We gotta hold it together for him. They're letting him out tomorrow. Said we could take him home. He's got to take it easy for the next few days, no wrestling for a month." Roman says, tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair.
"He's not going to be happy about that. Do we know what caused it?" Seth asks, looking up at Roman.
"Not really, no. It just happened." Roman says with a sigh.
Seth sighs again, reaching out and stroking Dean's side through the blanket. He and Roman fall silent, nothing left to say as they watch Dean sleep. Roman reaches out and takes Seth's free hand, squeezing gently, trying to offer comfort as well as be comforted.
The next morning, Dean signs the discharge papers and is wheeled out to the parking lot where Roman has the car waiting. Seth walks with him and the nurse that pushes the wheelchair out to the car. Dean doesn't protest having to sit in the wheelchair and Seth's worried by that.
Both he and the nurse try to engage him in conversation, but he shuts down every attempt until they both give up. Seth helps Dean into the car and the nurse takes the wheelchair back in the hospital.
"You wanna talk?" Roman asks once they're all settled and on the way home.
"No." Dean says, leaning against the window.
"Well, when you do, you know we're here to listen." Roman says, patting Dean's knee.
Dean flinches away from him, arms curling around his torso as he hunches in on himself.
The car falls silent and tense, staying that way the rest of the way home.
Dean waves off their attempts to help him out of the car and gets out himself, tucking his hands into the pockets of his hoodie as he walks up the steps of their house, waiting on Roman to unlock the door.
"I'm going to lay down." Dean mumbles, heading up the stairs.
"Do you want us to come with you?" Seth asks, looking up at Dean.
"No." Dean shakes his head.
Roman and Seth exchange a look, but they let Dean go up by himself, not wanting to push him too far.
Dean walks down the hall towards their bedroom. He pauses in the open doorway of the nursery, staring at the crib and the dresser and the half finished paint job. His eyes burn, but the tears don't fall.
A scream of rage and several loud crashes sends Seth and Roman flying up the stairs, yelling Dean's name as they run to the nursery. They find Dean there on the floor, surrounded by broken wood from the crib and paint slung all over the room. He's on his knees, sobbing hysterically, his arms wrapped around his torso.
They fall to their knees on either side of him, arms around him as they try to sooth him. He struggles, trying to fight his way out of the tangle of limbs, but they just tighten their hold. Eventually Dean sags against them, still sobbing, but less hysterical now.
They rock slowly back and forth, their own tears falling down their face as the pain catches up with them.
"We'll get through this. Somehow. I don't know how, but somehow. Together." Seth says, wiping his tears away before kissing Dean's temple.
Dean's sobbing has subsided and he's leaning heavily against them. He doesn't say anything.
Roman gives Seth a tearful smile over Dean's head, squeezing his hand again. "Come on. Let's go to bed."
Roman lifts them to their feet, gently tugging Dean up. They carefully guide Dean out of the nursery and into their bedroom, stripping him out of his paint splattered clothing before getting out of theirs and getting into bed with him.
They wrap themselves around him, letting him cling to them as tightly as he needs to. They need to feel him too. They need him there with them. They carefully avoid his stomach, knowing that will just set him off again, but they hold onto him as he drifts off.
It won't be easy to make it through this, but they will. Together. Like they do everything.