AN: New direction and style with this one, not sure where it's from but it's been rattling around for a while. So tentatively I post, hoping it's okay...
SUMMARY: Blatant FEMSLASH so you know what that mean, no complaining! First time Sam/Janet but Sam has an issue that is threatening to ruin everything before it even gets started. Join Janet as she deals with Sam's shocking and somewhat unbelievable reveal. Mild sexual references and one curse word.
Never Like This
They were kissing gently on the couch. It was brand new and very experimental and both Sam Carter and Janet Frasier were all too aware of the fact. Sam seemed to falter, her lips suddenly and without warning stopping dead mid-exploration. Breaking from the cautious embrace Janet sighed deeply. "This is just a little too weird for you isn't it?"
Sam joined her in the sigh and kind of nodded, kind of shook her head. "Not weird, not exactly, but it is more awkward than I had expected." She knit her brows together in a bemused fashion and looked down at where they still had linked hands. Self-consciously she extracted herself from her best friend's grip.
"Ah, okay." Janet breathed, slightly beyond confused at the Major's decisive action. It had been Sam's advances that had brought them to this point and now it seems she was being rejected.
Sam brought her eyes up instantly at the slight hurt she could hear in her friend's voice. "No Janet, it's not that. It's just..." she sighed again. "Well, I don't really know what it is."
More than a little aware of the turbulence running through her friend, Janet waited. She knew it could sometimes take Sam a while to find her voice but after what seemed like a longer than appropriate length of time she looked away, it seemed Sam was stuck somewhere in her own head and that she was not going to offer up an answer or an explanation. The lack of trust that that seemed to indicate hurt Janet more than the thought of rejection ever could. Forcing past the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat Janet found her voice. "Um...maybe I should just-"
"No!" Sam blurted, once again reaching out to grab Janet's hand, staying her on the couch. "Would you wait...please?"
Sam incredible blue eyes were round and troubled and Janet found herself once again instantly disabled by their penetrating stare. She nodded fractionally. It seemed she wanted this enough to wait it out, even if the resulting conversation was likely to be painful.
Sam felt her eyes drift shut in relief. "Thank you." she whispered. "I'm so sorry Janet. I don't mean to mess you about and I really did mean it when I invited you in for coffee it just that...well...it's just that now that we are here I'm..." She shook her head, she did not know what she was.
"This is not what you want." Janet second-guessed, her tone slightly forlorn.
Sam was shaking her head again. "Not true, it is. Trust me on that. I want this...I want you Janet, more than you can possibly imagine. It's just..."
Janet felt a little flare of hope override all of her other emotions, she suddenly thought that she understood. "You've never done this before, been with a woman that is."
"No I have. But you see, that's part of the problem." Sam forced herself back into the plush cushions and with eyes screwed shut turned her face upwards towards the ceiling. "God, this is hard to explain." She licked her lips. "And embarrassing."
Janet chewed singularly on her upper lip and cocked her head. She really had no idea what was going on and knew that she was helpless to figure any of it out until Sam became slightly more coherent. Maybe she should not have discouraged the woman from having had that second glass of wine after all? It certainly would have made her more relaxed. Briefly she wondered if Sam had a six pack in her fridge.
Sam glanced round to gauge Janet's reaction and did not necessarily like what she saw. It appeared as if the smaller woman was looking about the room and towards the kitchen to see if she could find an escape route or an excuse to leave. She leaned forwards again and with her hands wrung together in her lap she spoke quietly to the floor. "You don't have to stay Janet. If I've upset you..." She swallowed, sadness eating up all of her words. She should have known she would just screw this up but she had wanted it so much she was sure she was going to be able to handle it. Janet Frasier was all she ever dreamed about and here she was willing and eager and Sam herself was the one who was destroying everything they had worked so hard to build up. Getting to this point had been difficult and risky to say the least.
"I'm not upset Sam. Honest Sweetie, I'm not." She reached out and squeezed her thigh. "I just don't understand. I was so sure about all of this right up until just now...until you, I dunno, ran cold. Do you think you could explain it to me? I know something is wrong and...if nothing else I am still your friend, right?"
Sam smiled at the tiny brunette's kindness. "Of course you are Janet and I don't blame you for not understanding. I didn't mean to run cold on you just now, if anything I meant to run hot." she mused, nibbling on the corner of her lip. "It's just that..." Oh god, here goes. Sam's gut whirled and she gathered herself up to blurt out the problem, something she had never done before, not at this stage. She couldn't look her in the eye as she spoke. "I...Janet...I don't orgasm. I never have and I don't want to upset you if we take things further."
Janet blinked a few times. "I'm sorry? You don't...you don't what?"
Sam felt her face flush with awkward colour. "I've never had an orgasm. My body just doesn't do that. And it's not for the want of trying believe me!" Sam rambled, her past levels of frustration spilling over into the present. "I've given it a few damned good tries that's for sure but it just doesn't happen."
"Not even on your own?" Janet asked. She was so stunned by the revelation that it did not even occur to her that that might be a highly personal and inappropriate question.
Sam just shook her head and answered in a hoarse whisper. "Not on my own, not with men, not with women...no-one. I just...I can't."
Janet was silent whilst she absorbed the news. It was no wonder Sam had so suddenly changed gears. That could never be an easy thing to admit to another person. "Well..." she started. "It doesn't necessarily have to be...necessary." she finished, grimacing slightly at her own ineptness to say the right thing.
Sam smirked and shook her head. "You say that now, but..." She knew where this ended. Eventually Janet would become just as frustrated as she was and that would lead to arguments and finally to their parting of ways. She could see it so clearly already. It always ended that way. "When it doesn't happen you will resent it."
"You think that's all I care about?" Janet shot out, her pitch gaining an octave as her upset showed through.
"No of course not, but it is important Janet. You can't deny that." Sam stared at her friend, wilfully challenging her to tell her otherwise and actually mean it.
"Well...I...I mean no! It's not that important Sam. Not for me. I can understand why it might be an issue for you but..." Janet stopped short, that had come out wrong. Her head reeled as the panic rose within her. Samantha Carter was positively glaring at her. If she did not say the right thing now then there was a high chance she was going to lose Sam altogether and that was definitely not what she wanted, apparent issue or no apparent issue.
Sam let her jaw drop slightly in confused disbelief. Her words came out harsh and bitter. "Are you honestly trying to tell me that it doesn't matter to you? That my pleasure is not as important as yours? Are you telling me that you don't want to make me happy, to satisfy me? To give back to me what I am willing to give to you? Because if that's the way you feel Janet I do not understand why you are here in the first place. If you just want a fuck you could get it anywhere. You certainly don't have to put your own career and mine at risk to get it."
Janet was beyond shocked by Sam's words. They were like a slap in the face and she fought hard against her initial instinct to give as good as she got. "No, Sam. That is most certainly not what I am saying." She spoke slowly and clearly, trying hard to keep control. She recognised that Sam was just feeling defensive, as one well might. She hung onto the fact that she knew that and counted her breathing. She knew her friend well enough to know that the last part of her sentence had been an unintended quip. The quickly forming wince on Sam's face confirmed what she knew and so she continued. "What I am trying to say is actually the total opposite of that. Or it's supposed to be...I think. I care about you way too much to just use you like that. I respect you...and myself for that matter, way too much to be that cheap. Do you really think that is all this is for me? Because if you do I have to say I am shocked and appalled."
Sam felt slightly chagrined under Janet's calmer that warranted and very direct admonishment. "No, of course not." she admitted, feeling like a teenager in the principal's office.
"Good." Janet replied after a beat. "Because there is a lot more at stake here than just you and me. We do this and we get found out I could lose Cassie too." Janet paused as she watched Sam's head pop up and her eyes go wide with shock. "Bet you didn't realise that, huh? Cassandra has to stay in Air Force care until she's eighteen and if I...we, get dishonourably discharged then who knows where she could end up."
Sam straightened her back. "Then we should stop now. I won't do that. I won't let you risk Cassie."
Janet forged a furious silence ahead of her next words. She waited until she had Sam's full attention. "Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare use that little girl as an excuse to mask your own insecurities. You want this just as much as I do. I know you do. I would stake my career upon it, already have in fact or we would not even be here. You are not a risk taker Sam and you needn't bother trying to insult me by telling me this is anything other than your own fear forcing this situation. You're just afraid Samantha and that's okay because to tell you the truth I am too. Scared as hell in fact."
"Ye-es!" Janet bounced slightly on the edge of the couch. "What if this doesn't work? I don't want to lose you as a friend and there's a high chance that is exactly what will happen if this all gets nuked out of existence, especially over something that seems a little trivial to one of us. Then there's the possibility that you go off out there being the hero and I get left behind with nothing but your memory to grieve over when you die saving some little boy's life or something. And then of course there is getting found out and losing it all, of Jack finding out and freaking because he is jealous, or of you coming back and it's not actually you and my finding out that I've been sleeping with a robot for three months. And then of course there's the chance that you could meet-"
Sam grabbed Janet's flailing hands and stilled them in her own lap. "Okay, okay, okay I get it. I'm not the only one who is freaking out." Sam used her thumbs to caress the backs of Janet's beautiful hands, trying to calm her down. The woman's outburst had made her realise something and relaxing she took her time before she looked up and gave her would be lover the most unguarded look she could summon from within her. It turned out to be the most unguarded look she had ever given in her life. "Janet, Sweetheart. It's clear that we both want this. We want this a lot but maybe we should slow down a bit?" She paused as Janet looked disappointed. "I have to admit I don't particularly want to but...it seems appropriate don't you think?"
"Appropriate." Janet echoed, her features displaying the despair that she felt flooding through her. "I don't want appropriate Sam. I want you. You and I are never going to be...appropriate." She virtually spat the rational word out as if it had a very bitter taste.
Sam shook her head and reached up to tuck a small strand of hair away from the side of Janet's face. "Well appropriate or not we just had our first kiss and our first fight in more or less the same breathe and it's got me a little rattled right now."
Janet cocked an eyebrow. "You call that a fight? Sam, Sweetie, that wasn't even the beginning of a minor tiff! When we have our first fight you will know all about it, believe me. I probably won't even speak to you for weeks when that happens. I can be a right huffy cow at times. But no matter to that, we did share our first kiss and what you told me...what you shared, that was a whole lot more. What you told me let me know exactly how much faith you have in me. I'm flattered and honoured that you would trust me that much. And because of that and a million other things I want us to give this a go. And if things do get intimate and you still feel you are unable to fully get there then...well. It will be sad but it's far from the end of the world. I accept you for who you are. I, I l-love you for who you are and you can still feel pleasure right?"
Sam nodded, hope and anticipation running through her as Janet gripped her hands tighter. Had she actually just said that? Did she actually love her? Sam swallowed and chose to focus on a different part of the conversation. "I can still feel pleasure." she whispered.
"Well orgasm is only the final play at the end of the game." She twitched slightly, a football reference...seriously? Regardless she continued. "It's the playing part that is pleasurable and fun...and..." Mischievously Janet let her eyes roam the room. "If you never get to the final...stage, then there does not necessarily need to be an end to the game. We could just keep playing al-ll ni-ight long!" She leaned forward, nudging Sam's shoulder as she spoke. "How does that sound, huh?"
Sam leaned in towards the woman of her desires. "I have to admit it does sound rather appealing."
"Exactly. So? You going to stop fretting and kiss me again now or am I going to have to do all the work here?"
Sam did not hesitate for a second. She leaned in and captured Janet's lips with a whole-hearted and natural kiss. It was a few moments before they broke away.
"Oh that is so much better Sam. So much more you."
Janet moved in on Sam this time and lips parted for tongues to explore. Hands moved across new territory and bodies connected themselves together. Buttons were opened blouses tugged off and bras revealed to over-awed eyes and disbelieving finger. Then, just before Sam allowed herself to drop down into the deeper levels of physicality she found herself realising something new, something she herself had not realised up until that moment. She had never been in love before, not like this and as she declared the words Janet urged her on. "I love you Janet."
"I know that Sweetie, now let go. Feel how much I love you and let go. Just let it happen Sam...trust me."
An unexpected tongue swept along her in counter-play to the fingers deep inside and Sam unhesitatingly did as she was asked. "Aggghhhhh!" she cried as deep and shockingly new wave of pleasure overtook her.
AN: Well, that's that then. Thoughts would be appreciated...