The Disgruntled Musings of a 107 Year Old Vampire Virgin



Disclaimer: None of Stephenie Meyer's characters have been harmed in the writing of this fic. I'm just goofing around with them until they stop talking to me. If I owned them, I would have Edward chained up in my basement, waiting for me to do dirty, dirty things to him.

Chapter One


Yay. It's time for school. Why am I doing this again? Oh, right. Carlisle wants us to blend in. Please, like my fine ass could ever blend in.

I can totally hear what you're thinking. No, that's not just a figure of speech. I can read minds and you were just thinking, "conceited much?" See? I can totally hear what you're thinking.

I suppose I should explain a few things to you. It's rather inconvenient, but since you're actually listening to me right now, I guess I owe you an explanation.

The thing is, I'm a vampire. Hey! I can totally hear what you're thinking! The short answer to that question is no, I do not belong in the nut-hut, as you so charmingly put it. I am a vampire. I am fast, like, I can outrun most cars, fast. I am strong enough to uproot a hundred year old tree or pick up a building. I am beautiful to my prey (which would normally be you, by the way but that's for another story), but saying that makes me sound conceited. Unless I am killed by another of my kind, I will never die.

Those are the cool things about being a vampire, I guess. As many cool things there are about being a vampire, there are as many, or more, bad things about it. I drink blood. I can read minds and it never stops unless I am completely alone. By completely alone, I mean there can't be another sentient mind within a five mile radius of me. That is extremely inconvenient. I am rarely that fortunate. Unless I am killed by another of my kind, I will never die. The worst thing about being a vampire, in my opinion, is the fact that I sparkle like a disco-ball whenever I am in sunlight.

I can totally hear what you are thinking. Stop laughing. Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not? Please, don't pee your pants. I can't stand that smell.

As I was trying to say, my skin changed when I made the transition from human to vampire. It's extremely hard, and because of that, it's reflective of direct sunlight. Because our skin is so hard, it's pretty much impossible for anything (other than another vampire) to hurt us.

Anyway, it's time for me to go to school. Before you ask, Carlisle (my "father"), Esme (my "mother"), and the rest of the "family" enjoy living among humans. I don't know why they do, but I go along with it because I love them. Since we don't age, if we start as sophomores in high school when we move to a new place, we get to stay that much longer.

I have four "siblings" who make up two couples. Yes, I am the lucky seventh wheel in our household. I'm not exactly happy in my life with the three couples I live with, but I'm not unhappy enough to leave them either.

School. Everyone has been obsessed with the new girl who is supposed to be starting at Forks High School today. Well, everyone but us. It's not like she would have any impact on our lives.

If only I knew then what I know now.