If a cold wind starts to rise,
I am ready now, I am ready now
With the last sail lifted high,
I am ready now, I am ready now
Anything can be rationalized if given enough time to explain. Wanting to find someone to settle down with does not mean that when given the opportunity to do that, the thought of what exactly that entails will not cause you to panic beyond belief. It can be so easy to develop feelings for someone and run away when a true intimacy forms. Pushing away is better than dealing with the inevitable – the loved one is lost forever and so are you. The bitterness will seep in and the hurt will envelop all of you. Healing is a torturous and long journey that you will never really reach the final destination. You will always be broken, even just a little bit, no matter whom or what in your life helps to fix you.
Emma Swan found that writing is good for the soul. No one ever needs to see what you have written; the words are purely for you. It is an exercise in learning – what is written can be read at any point. At your darkest times, what you have written at your best will bring light and lift your spirits.
Through all the wreckage and the loss that she experienced over her life, Emma never stopped writing. It was someone to talk to when there was no one else. Feelings could be expressed without ever having to speak them.
Some things are unspeakable. The words cannot be voiced.
It was more of a slow burn than anything else. What started out as pointless flirting developed into what was more of a crush. What seemed to be just a crush developed into genuine respect. And, ultimately, respect turned into love.
For her, as well.
She definitely loved him.
And that was more terrifying than whatever monster they had to face.
Another day, another fight. If it was not one thing, then it was another. Storybrooke would never be a peaceful place and no one actually expected it to be. But they hoped that it would.
When the Ice Queen arrived, there was a sort of chill to the air. With the cold wind came the realization that not everything can be put off for a better time. Anything can be rationalized if given enough time to explain, so he did not let Emma explain.
Petrification can be reversed, even in the ice.
"Now really can't be the best time to show me your new ship," Emma whined in protest though she allowed herself to be led toward the water. "We have a battle plan to go over!"
"All in due time, Swan," Killian urged. He was Killian now; he stopped being Hook long ago. "There is no reason why we cannot continue our strategic efforts on the deck of the second most beautiful ship in all of the realms."
At this, Emma cringed. The sting of realization was still too new. The feelings that accompanied the understanding that this man had traded not only his ship, but his home to save her – her, the woman who had never had anyone go out of their way for her in her entire life – debilitated her. She could not seem to comprehend whether the gratitude she felt was love or just pure joy, but whatever it was, it absolutely terrified her.
Killian registered the horrified look on her face and reached out to put his arm around her. "You are not consolation," he said simply.
It was the cold wind that stung her eyes, not the emotion she felt. At least, that was what she tried to tell herself.
That was when saw it. The white sails were furled and the deck was completely empty, but Emma understood then what he saw in it. It was not perfect by a long shot, but it was his and what it offered was escape. Even just escape for a little while. Her mind drifted back to all the times that she had needed to hideaway and she lost herself in the words that she would write.
Be patient, she had told him. In an act of true courage, she slipped her fingers through his and beckoned him to lead the way. That was all he needed.
"She needs some work," he explained as the two boarded hand in hand, "but she is wonderful just the same." Solemnly and sincerely, his blue eyes pierced through her defenses. "I wanted you to be the first one to see her."
Promptly dropping his hand, Emma missed the warmth that he provided, but she needed a moment of distance. She slowly walked away to inspect the vessel. It was not large, certainly not as large as the Jolly Roger, but it was just what he needed. In fact, she did not even know where he got the money that he needed to purchase it. Thinking back to the trade that he had made for her, she decided to definitely not press the issue to find out what he could have possibly bartered to acquire this gem.
"Can we go somewhere?" she asked almost too quietly. But he heard. Somehow he always heard her.
"Anywhere you want, Swan," he said gently, taking his place beside her once again. His hand twitched slightly, wanting the contact with her.
Emma shook her head. "I wouldn't know where to go," she answered simply.
"In that case," he whispered, "let's just wander. We will find our way."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, understanding the true meaning of his words. I am ready now, she coaxed herself. Anything can be rationalized if given enough time to explain, she thought. So she gave herself no time to explain – she dove right in.
"I need you," she stated.
His hand ran through his hair in a manner that drove her crazy. She stood in front of him, on his new ship, and realized all at once that the home she had been searching for was right here.
"I need you," she said again, speaking louder and faster. "You gave everything for me and I still haven't given you what you deserve. You deserve the world – you deserve everything. I'm not good at this– really, not good at all, so I'm going to say this as best as I can. It's cold and I'm shaking and I'm so scared, but I need you. You saved me and I can't ignore what I feel anymore–" she paused to catch her breath.
He reached out to touch her, but she stopped him. "Wait–wait, just– wait," was her persistent reply. "I just, I need you to know, that this is going to be hard for me but not because of anything that you've done. It's because I'm just so bad at this and I want you to know that you deserve better, you deserve someone who can commit right here and now, but I'm not that kind of person. I run from every good thing that's in my life, but I know that right now, I need to do this. I need you."
That was when he kissed her. Hard and fast, he was tired of the distance. She was tired of running; he was tired of chasing. Finally they had caught up with one another.
Gently moving both of their bodies toward the mast, not wanting to break the precious contact, Killian lifted the sails.
I am ready, she told herself.
Endnotes: It's always important to note that though this particular document may be entirely mine, that does not mean that all of this belongs to me. OUAT is not at all mine. Title is borrowed from an Anberlin song, lyrics at the beginning are from the Yellowcard song "Lift a Sail." If you notice, they inspire lines within the text. Those are not mine, but the inspiration of genius.
If this is out of character or poorly written, my apologies. It's been a while since I've done this. In fact, I'll immediately take it down if it is not up to your satisfaction.