Author Note: More will be added on once I get back into it with Delta Rising. Was inspired by many such lists on the site and the Web Famous Skippy's List.
List of things not to do in Vice-Admirals' S'mrow Flotilla.
To all departments. We have a new shipment of ensigns and crewmen from Starfleet academy. Hide all sharp and/or hot objects and round all sharp corners. Please write down any new rules, or things you had to tell them and submit to the HR department.
1. Do not complain about how warm is in the ship when the Admiral, who is wearing a scarf, winter boots, a coat, gloves and is still shivering, can over hear you.
1a: Okay seriously it's not a dare. Crew member Ironi is lucky that the XO was able to get him only assigned to Jeffrey tube duty for a month. The Admiral nearly spaced him for that one.
2. Officers Shi and Ni. While we are glad that the two of you are regaining your humanity after being assimilated, please stop pranking the new Crewmen and Ensigns. While it is funny to march up to them while doing the Borg Speech, the last one fainted and cracked her head on a console. Medical was not amused.
3. Yes the R.X.S. Risan Wake is a modified Risan race ship. That does not mean you can challenge Klingon Ships to drag races.
3a: The fact that you lost somehow just shows how incompetent you are as a helmsman Crewmen.
4. Yes you are on a medical ship named after the famous Doctor McCoy. However the next person to say "I'm a doctor not a" will be on bedpan duty for the rest of their tour. We will find bedpans for you to clean. Ones used by Bolians before hand.
4A: This rule does not apply to officers saying it for demonstrative purposes, to show what not to say.
4B: You can't claim that every time you say it is for demonstrative purposes.
4C: Okay anytime anyone says it they're now on bedpan duty. Yes that includes the Vice-Admiral. We're that sick of it.
5. Yes the U.S.S. Reflection is a captured Mirror Universe vessel. However that does not mean you can submit your duty reports backwards.
6. Yes the U.S.S. Teddy Rossevelt is misspelled. Either shut up about it or put on an EVA suit and repaint the hull yourself.
6A: This rule has been rescinded as it turns out our crew members are very juvenile in what they renamed the ship.
7: Cats are not allowed on the Flag ship.
7a: The reason why is that they see the Admiral, who is a Caitian, as a giant cat and will attempt to fight, submit, mate, groom her, and or any combination of said actions. It gets annoying after the first time.
8. Who ever took the two tribbles out of the tribble pen, congratulations, you're now on tribble hunting duty. Report to Maintenance for your net, and prepare to crawl through the tubes.
8a: How long? Until they're all caught. Yes we could just scan for life signs and teleport them back into tribble pen. However you won't learn otherwise.
8b: Okay we'll admit that trick with the Klingon blood sample was clever. You're off hunting duty now. However you're now assigned to the Bio-medical labs. Your assignment is to now do a full dissertation on using Klingon Blood to trap tribbles.
9: We treat all mentions of Undine Infiltration seriously. Muttering that your CO is an Undine as a empty complaint will be taken seriously. At best you accidently stumbled across one. At worst you wasted everyone's time and seriously pissed off your CO, who is still tender from the medical tests.
10: Yes the Admiral was on Earth Spacedock when the Undine Attacked it. No she wasn't responsible for most of the damage.
10A: Also she did not personally remove the Undine ship that was lodged in the starbase with only her left pinkie.
11: Please be mindful of other species extra appendages. Andorians antenna are very sensitive and require an extra 6 inches of headroom.
11A: Also be careful when walking. The Admiral is shorter than most people, and her tail does touch the ground. Crewmen Smith learned this the hard way when he accidently stepped on it. We would also like to remind everyone that Caitians first instinct is to attack anyone who harms their tails. Crewmen Smith has been released from Medical and the Admiral is very apologetic about throwing you into that bulkhead.
12: Don't claim that a temporal distortion is why you are late to your shift. The investigation by the Department of Temporal Investigations is much worst than the punishment from your department head.
12A: Turns out there was a temporal distortion caused by one of the labs trying to merge Voth and Borg technology. Somehow their attempts at making a more efficient replicator caused a low grade temporal stasis field, which effectively slowed down time for those near it while everything else remain the same. However Rule 12 still stands.
13: Medical, short of something that directly threaten lives, will not talk about any medical issues that a patient may have. So next time get that STD treated before you stumble in with a temperature five degrees higher than it should, your skin is taupe when it should be blue, and you believe that you are the Queen of France due to the fever.
13A: From now on, all crew members arriving from shore leave on Risa and/or any Ferrengi owned station will immediately report to Medical. We don't know how your testicles and/or ovaries were reversed and we don't want to know.
14: Don't get into drinking contests with NCOs. They could outdrink a Gorn and still be able to report to their station the next day.
14A: Don't get into drinking contests with Medical. They cheat as they know to hook up a saline drip before going out drinking.
14B: Don't get into drinking contests with the Liberated Borg officers. They kept the poison control implants and rigged them so they can stay buzzed and not pass out.
15: Yes the fraternization rules have been relaxed. However check with medical to see if it's a good idea to sleep with your potential partner before hand. Besides the well known issues with Bolians, the liberated Borg officers are not only stronger than they should be, but have decades of lost time to make up for. Several Departments are at half strength as so many crew members are getting pelvises and spines repaired, and treatment for exhaustion and dehydration.
15A: Also do not go into details about said fraternization outside of quarters or Ten Forward. Your superiors don't care to hear the details, or worse, might decide to see if you live up to your claims. So if you're bragging everyone will know. If you're not…. well you're not getting any sleep anytime soon.
15B: Medical can you look into a libido suppressant and run it through life support? It's starting to get ridiculous.
16: Note. Any attempts at an homemade still will not work. Not only do they have a habit of exploding, your Engineering department already has a much better one set up.
16A: Do not attempt to technobabble to deflect blame from when it does explode. Claiming that "A fermentation chamber over pressurized and then proceeded to take out a power conduit" will not fool the Captain wondering why an entire deck just lost power. They attended the same engineering classes as you.
17: To the person who programmed all the replicators to only produce decaf, you have two options. Either you spend the rest of your tour scrubbing the warp coils on all the ships, or we tell everyone who you are. Choose wisely.
18: To the person(s) who stole the pills from medical… Those were Gen 11 antidepressants. The Serotonin toxicity you are suffering is it's own punishment so you'll avoid a NJP. However you get to spend the next six months in drug treatment.
18A: As a side note if any of those pills are still floating around. Bolians will drop dead if they take them, and Ferengi have been known to live lives of poverty while on them.
19: If Section 31 did exist we doubt that any agents would throw around their membership to it to get out of their duty shifts.
19A: (In a different font) Yeah give us some credit. By the way Drake says hi.
19B: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF- (This continues on for several pages)
20: Yes the current Flagship is a modified Risan cruise liner. This does not mean that the Vice-Admiral is using it as an excuse to lounge around.
20A: Yes she does use the on-board islands and ocean to relax but she still takes her job seriously.
20B: Okay listen. When you have to battle the Borg, Undine, Voss, Thorians, Tal Shiar, Klingon Extremists, and Iconians, then you can criticize me for spending as much time relaxing as possible!